Calories for yesterday were: 1235.

Having a good, OP day, today.

That is all.

It was incredibly muggy, hot and nasty, today. It is finally raining but if the sun comes out, again it will just get worse. And it most likely will, as it seems to be clearing out over Prescott. *sigh*

Calorie zig zagging. Interesting approach. I haven’t been doing it deliberately, but it seems to be working for me. After my rotten binge day on the 26th, I topped out at 715 on the 27th and 1572, yesterday. I was way low on the 27th because there wasn’t much healthy food around the house and I had to ration my supplies. I hate it when we are at the end of the budget and there isn’t any decent food in the house. It worries and pisses me off. And that is the end of that rant.

I think I am actually looking forward to getting on the scale on the 6th of September. Shocking, I know. But with the difference and changes I am continuing to see in the bod, I am thinking I will be happy with what I see on the scale, as well. I sure hope so, anyway.

I think I have already reached my Labour Day goal. I will find out on Monday when I try on the pants I had as my Labour Day challenge. I am setting myself a personal challenge… The next size range down pants to fit and the two crinkle cotton blouses I haven’t been able to wear… ever. By my Birthday on November the 12th. I think I can make it. I am also really getting excited to begin The Biggest Loser challenge at 3FC. and to see the new season of the show, too.

I had the strangest dream, last night. I was getting ready to run The Amazing Race. And I was thin and fit and rearing to go. It was wonderful and I was sooo pissed when I woke up. I love The Amazing Race. I have seen every episode and it is the only reality show I would ever want to do.

I had a good, on track day, yesterday. I was a little light on calories… There is seriously little healthy food in the house right now and I didn’t have much to munch on. My calories topped out at: 910. Not good. Too few. I wasn’t hungry and didn’t have a binge urge so I was okay, that way but I really don’t like eating so few calories for the day. I don’t feel nourished. I also didn’t sleep well last night. I wonder if there is a correlation?

A good day, yesterday. Calories ended up at: 1559. It was movie night and I wanted popcorn. So, I ate popcorn. Yummy, evil cheese popcorn. My stomach felt as if it had a rock in it all night. Seriously, when did popcorn start to affect me that way? Guess I won’t have so much, next time. Or perhaps it is a reminder to choose a better snack.

Not a whole lot going on, around here. It is quiet. Pookey is working, today. Willy Dog is in the living room, watching the Cubs game. I could take my laptop in there and join him, I suppose. But, why knock myself out? He sure as hell doesn’t make an effort. Why should I?

I have had good, steady on track days. Things are going well and I don’t feel a feeding frenzy or binge building. So, maybe I am in the clear for a few more days, yet.

Calories for the 21st: 1595. (That big Subway sandwich, that day kind of put me over… But at least it was all good, healthy stuff. )

For the 22nd: 1198.

23rd: 1365.

Not too bad, altogether.

Whew! I wish it would rain. It is cloudy and very hot and quite humid. No sign of the wet stuff falling from the sky anytime soon, tho. I am sooo ready for Autumn. I have more than enough fun with Summer.

 I just went back over my food journal. In the last twenty-five days, I have had five that were bad eating days. That is a lot. It averages out to one feeding frenzy every five days.

I am thinking of planning one day a week where I can have a “cheat meal”. A period of time, one day a week, where I may have anything my little heart desires. Perhaps it will help me to stay on track and focused the rest of the time, if I know that at the end of the week, I may have a treat. Any treat. We’ll see.

I want to thank everyone who leaves comments for me. (I am still pretty surprised that anyone actually reads this drivel… ) I read all of them and save them. They really mean a lot to me. And I appreciate your caring and support and helpfulness more than I can adequately express. One of these days, I am going to learn how to respond directly to them. ‘Puter idgit I am, that may take a while. *blush*

Today is going well for me. I still haven’t had dinner. I wasn’t feeling quite the thing and went and lay down on my bed and read a book. I almost never go in and lie down. It felt kind of good. And I am feeling better for it. Maybe I should do that a little more often.

I had a better day, yesterday. Much better. I really need to find a better way to deal with whatever is eating me. Because I can’t eat it away. I just bury it under sick, full feelings of self disgust and shame for a bit. But that doesn’t solve anything. It just makes it all that much worse.

I get why I do what I do. And I want to change the behaviour. I just need to find exactly what will help me to accomplish that. Some days, I have a good handle on it. And others… Not so much. It doesn’t have as much to do with physical hunger as it does emotional. I need to find a way to sooth my emotional pain without resorting to food to numb and block it.

It is that simple. And that difficult.

If at first you don’t succeed…

So, calories for yesterday were: 1240. I felt sooo much better last night, than I did the night before. I hate going to bed feeling as if I have just swallowed a truckload of concrete and it is rapidly hardening and curing in my stomach. I got plenty to eat and felt great, all day. Now, if I could just remember that when I am tipping over the edge into another feeding frenzy…

The yellowjackets live on. All attempts to obliterate them, so far have been unsuccessful. I keep asking him to call the landlord and have him deal with them. After all, this isn’t our house and it is the landlord’s responsibility to deal with them, when you get right down to it. I know, you are thinking “Why doesn’t she just call the landlord herself?” I am so not going to get into that, here. I just have to wait for my husband to decide what it is he is going to do.

Another day. Another binge.

I do alright for a few days, then I blow it. Again. Yesterday was really bad. I must have consumed a bit over 3000 calories, if my rough estimates are anything to go by.

Shit.

I had a good weekend. I was really happy to get through it intact.

Calories for yesterday were: 1193.

And that is all the news that is fit to print.

So far, so good.  A nice, easy Op day. As a friend on 3FC said, it would be nice to be able to bottle days like this so that we would have them for the days we struggle.

Calories for yesterday were: 1332. Funny, I didn’t really feel any more full on more calories than I do on less. I just felt as if I did something “wrong”. And I know that I didn’t. I am just weirding out and letting my fears get the better of me.

I was getting ready to take a shower, earlier and saw a great thing. Loose skin on my thighs. :D Not a huge amount of loose skin. But there is loose skin. In sets of wrinkles, here and there. And, in the mirror, I see that my upper arms are getting a little smaller and the “batwings” are beginning to form, a little. No, I am not thrilled about the fact that I am going to have batwings. But… I am thrilled that I am getting batwings. Same for the loose skin on my thighs.

I know what is in store for me, as this weight comes off. And it isn’t going to be pretty. But, I am willing to either have it surgically removed or just learn to live with it, if it means being a normal, healthy weight. To be honest, I want it to be surgically removed. I want a normal looking body for the first time in my adult life. I am hoping that by the time I get to the point where I have to worry about it, I will have a solid plan in place and a crackerjack reconstructive surgeon who will be able to help me convince my insurance company that it will be in their best interests to pay for the surgery I am going to need.

I don’t know what it is with the weather around here. It is downright nice. Much cooler than it usually is, this time of year.

I got a lot of housework done, today. Hubbs washed out the dirt cup and all the filters for my vacuum and they are out on my deck, drying. It is amazing how just washing those things on a regular basis makes my vacuum work and smell better. This cheapie little vac is one of the best I have ever had. I have paid a lot of money for vacuums, only to have them die, fast and noisy at the mercy of pet hair and kitty litter. Not this one. It has already lived at least twice as long as I expected it to and it is still going strong. Got all my sheets washed and dried out on the line. It is so nice to slip between cool, crisp, soft cotton sheets that have been washed and dried outside in the sunshine and fresh air.

Well. I need to get a move on. Stuff to do.