Happy, Healthy Me :)

I have had 7 binge free days (counting today).

Those days were hard in some respects, and wonderful in others…and so were the days that I binged, until I allowed my eating to get out of control. The next day, I struggled with mood swings, negative feelings, a complete lack of self confidence, and real despair.

I will get through this. Recovery is precious to me. A binge is not.

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life.

I have been doing a lot of reading on the Something Fishy website (http://www.somethingfishy.org). I have come to realize that my focus on counting calories, food and weight has only fed my binge habit and caused it to get worse.

I want to recover. My birthday is in two days (even though my surprise is tomorrow ), and this time next year, I want to have 365 days between me and the last time that I binged.

There are a few things that are going to change. I am going to stop measuring my food and counting calories - instead, I will focus on being mindful of the food that I eat (the preparation, presentation, smell, and taste), and of my body. I will listen for my body’s cues telling me when I’ve had enough, and I’ll pay attention to which foods affect my body in a negative way. I’m still going to get as much fresh produce and lean protein as possible, and balance carbohydrates with protein and a vegetable at every meal.

No food is going to be ‘forbidden.’ However, I’ll still stick to one serving, and be aware of my portion sizes. I’ll continue to substitute healthier alternatives when possible. The only absolute in my life from now on is that there will be NO more binges. Zip. Zilch. Nada. And if that made it sound like I am trying to convince myself, that’s because it was to some extent - which is ok by me, because it’s all just part of the process.

I know that it’s going to be tough. I’m going to have to deal with my emotions, with being alone in the house, with stress, with the urge. I will fight through it. If it means going to bed as soon as I get home from work on nights that J works, then that’s what I’ll do. This time, I’m going to take back my power. Food doesn’t control me or my life. I do. I am changing IF to HOW, and BUT to AND.

I’m going to really focus on my life, my interests, and the people who matter. I probably won’t be on here as much, but I will update every once in awhile. Best wishes to everyone, and thank you for reading!

I don’t really know what to do anymore. Monday night/yesterday, I just felt fat and frumpy and like no matter how hard I tried to eat normally, I would remain fat. Then last night, the binge. So what now? I don’t know! All my best laid plans go splat, and I HATE that niggling, “Why try when you’re just going to binge again?” voice that won’t SHUT up.

So now I trudge off to work with no food in tow because I can’t stand to think about it, determined to make today day #1 once again.

Two and a half days of camping with normal eating - go, me! I say half because it was after I got home that I tripped up. Today was normal again. I’m going to tentatively try just recording what I eat, no pressure and calorie counting MOST of the time, but not religously.

L: 2 Tofurkey dogs and two spring rolls with barbecue and plum sauce.

D: salad with romaine lettuce, cucumber, radish, and guacamole (I think it would be better in sandwiches)

S: several tsp strawberry yogurt and half a baked sweet potato with a bit of butter and 1/2 tsp Splenda brown sugar mix.

I forgot - black coffee, and two carrots with two tbsp hummus

1 kiwi and 1 cucumber

2 Crystal Lights

P.S. I’m only going to record food ONCE each day, at the end of the day, unless I forget something…like I did today

Actually got to see some of the fireworks last night, standing outside after work! They were awesome

I want a gorgeous dancer’s body! Last time I lost this weight, I hardly exercised AT ALL, and you could tell that I was ’skinny fat,’ as they call it (two words that I HATE - skinny and fat. YUCK). I’m just not yet sure exactly how I’m going to acheive the exercise this time around.

B: two eggs (140), two slices w.w. bread (150), black coffee (5?)

banana, strawberries

L: ? Sandwich with two slices w.w. bread (150), 1 slice cheese (100), thin spread of mayo (less than 100), and cucumbers.

apple

Snack: ? Protein bar (150), then carrots, cucumber, yogurt and probably hummus when I get home.

Today is a very unplanned day. I don’t want to end up really high calorie like sometimes happens when J and I spend a day off together. So I will definately be sticking to healthier choices and lower calorie ‘treats’ if we end up going for a walk. For instance, I want to get out and about for a bit when we get home after running errands later this afternoon, and I’m going to make sure that we end up at a grocery store. I LOVE Fuji and Golden Delicous apples! They have helped me avoid a binge or satisfy my sweet tooth in a healthy way SO many times.

Yesterday, I was pondering the idea of having an off plan day (i.e., cheat day), and eating whatever I wanted in whatever quantity that I wanted for just that one day a week. I know that other people have done it and still lost the weight that they wanted to. However, I came to the conclusion that since I want to lose these 20-ish pounds in a relatively short amount of time, I am willing to make the sacrifice of NOT having what really amounts to a binge day. I don’t really feel like it’s a sacrifice, when I remember how awful I felt after a binge. Do I want to wake up feeling hung over and fat ever again? Nope!

Alternatively, I will enjoy treats in moderation throughout this whole journey. I’ll just count them into my daily calories, and no worries!

We walked to a pancake breakfast today. Here’s my food/plan for Tuesday, July 1 -

B: 2 small pancakes with a drizzle of syrup (300?), watermelon and black coffee (5?)

apple, strawberries

L: Salad with iceberg lettuce, cucumber, tomato, 1/2 cup chickpeas (105), 1/4 cup salsa (20) and 1 tbsp ranch dressing (80)

Snacks: 2 yogurts (200) and carrots with 1 tbsp ranch dressing (80)

Snack: small DQ dipped cone (340) - oops! Obviously not making an icecream treat so high in calories a frequent occurance.

D: Sandwich with two slices w.w. bread (150), 1 tbsp mayo (100), two eggs (140), 1 tbsp mustard (40), lettuce and tomato

Snack: 1 slice jalapeno havarti cheese (100?)

Drink: 1 screwdriver (65 for the vodka)

apple

Total for the day: 1,725

Exercise: 6 hours of standing, 1/2 hr of walking/wandering around

Calories burned (approximate): 500

Net calories: 1,225

I ended up closer to the calories that I want to stick to, but my day was a little high in junk. I would rather the calories come from healthy protein!

J wants to get the barbecue working this Friday! Yay! We just got a new variety of peaches in at work - I want to try a couple on the grill. Fruit is definately one of the things that I am looking forward to grilling the most

Food Plan:

Breakfast - 1 protein bar (150) and strawberries

Definately running out of food

Snacks: nothing until lunch, since I’ll probably wake up later then usual. I need to go get a wax and some slacks tailored, and then I have to work. My post lunch snack will be yogurt (100) and carrots.

I really woke up late! I didn’t have time to get anything done, so I just moved my lunch into a brunch of sorts - breakfast and lunch combined.

Lunch Brunch: Salad with iceberg lettuce, tomato, cucumber, 1 tbsp ranch dressing (80), 1/4 cup shredded cheese (90), and 1/4 cup veggie ‘meat’ crumbles (90).

Snacks (before and after lunch): Yogurt (2 = 200) and carrots

Dinner: Egg sandwich with two slices whole wheat bread (150), slice of tomato, a couple lettuce leaves, 1 pkg mayo (100), 1 pkg mustard (40?) and two eggs (140).

Exercise: 1/2 hour walk to work and 7 hours checking groceries.

I’m very tired! It’s really hot here, and I had a rough day at work.

Total calories = 890. Geez. I know I’m not counting my fruits or veggies, but that’s still seriously low. Is that why I’m so tired all the time?

I’m still feeling bloated and ill from Friday, and it sucks Oh, well!

Breakfast: granola bar and strawberries (150)

Snacks: yogurt (2 = 200) and carrots

Lunch: Salad with iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, two eggs (140) and dill.

Dinner: Risotto (1 cup = 280) with 1/4 cup shredded cheese (90)

Dessert: 1 dessert tofu (90) and strawberries

Drinks: Two diet coke and vodkas (128)

Exercise: 7 hours of checking groceries

One Lifesavers candy (100?)

1 licorice (50)

Hmm, that only puts me at 1,014 for the day…that’s lower then I’d like to go. Especially taking into account that after the calories burned, I’m only at at about 514! Not sure what I’ll do about that.

Revised total for the day = 1,228

The second drink made my stomach feel yucky. I think I need to stick to one drink unless I’m going to be up and moving about - this sitting around and drinking does NOT do it for me!

 One month to my birthday!!

My final timeline, at a 2 pound loss (give or take) per week, presuming that I am currently 140 lbs:

Out of town beginning July 9 - I will be on my way to my first 4 gone.

My birthday on July 28 - I will give myself the birthday present of the first 10 pounds almost, if not completely, gone!

My goal for the 20 lbs gone (+ some?) will be the end of September.

I will:

- Jog for45 minutes to an hour at least 2 days a week.

- Walk at least another 2 days a week. At the end of these walks or jogs, the treat will be a small CL slushy, diet pop, sugar free juice, or fruit.

- Avoid bingeing NO MATTER WHAT. This is so important.

- Utilize naps, hot baths and girly treatments to avoid the above.

- Eat as much fresh produce and protein as possible.

- Drink atleast 6 bottles of water a day.

- Take GOOD care of myself.

- Stop snacking after dinner.

- Get lots of sleep.

- Buy myself fresh flowers for every weekend and week spent binge free.

Food…

Breakfast:

Apricot, grapes, carrots with 1 tbsp ranch dressing, and black coffee

Snack:

1 yogurt and watermelon

Lunch:

1 protein bar and watermelon

Snack: 1 yogurt and watermelon

I will also bring a protein bar just in case I get hungry. At work, I’m going to pick up strawberries and green leaf lettuce.

I ate so much watermelon today! They had a barbecue today, and there was a lot left over. Yummy!!

P.S. All the changes I make to any planning or recording over the day will obviously be in italics

 Second day binge free. I can see the line on my tummy again

I’m really looking forward to going camping. I know that I’ll have to deal with drinking a lot and avoiding the munchies, as well as wearing a bathing suit, but WHATEVER!

Lunch -
1/3 cup veggie meat crumbles - 90
1 cup couscous - 640 … I had NO idea couscous was so high in calories until I read the box! I’ll be sticking with 1/2 cup in the future.
1 black coffee - 10?
1 banana
Cucumber and carrot

Snack -
1 Kashi peanut butter bar - 150
1 yogurt - 100?

Lunch -
Sandwich of two slices bread (140), two eggs (140), 1 pkg mayo (100?) and 1 pkg mustard (18?)
Brocolli with 1 tbsp ranch dressing (70)

Snack -
1 yogurt - 100?
1 banana

Snack -
1/3 cup veggie meat crumbles - 90
1/4 cup shredded cheese - 110
Corn
1 peach

Drinks -
One vodka and diet coke - 65

Exercise -
Standing at work - 7 hours = 529 calories
Walking home from work - 15 minutes = 44 calories
Total burned: 573

Net calories: 1250