No, not the state of Illinois. My in-laws. Again. A state of ill-annoy.
Sigh. Stayed up WAY too late last night, continuing the 1120th argument about them in the past 8 years.
Our dealings with his family follow a pattern:
1) Individually or en masse, they do or say something (choose all that apply): Inconsiderate, thoughtless, controlling, vulgar, coercive, guilt-inducing, overly-dramatic, false, irresponsible, arrogant, chaotic, ill-mannered, disappointing or otherwise insulting.
2) …And H lets them get away with their behavior almost EVERY TIME, letting them think it’s perfectly acceptable, normal, expected.
He does this by (choose all that apply): a) Passively acting as if nothing has happened or anything is wrong; b) Weakly protesting to them and quickly backing down; c) Actively denying and/or d) Defending their actions and behavior to me/us; e) Accusing me of being unjust and/or f) Avoiding or absenting himself from the situation emotionally, physically, and relationally.
3) And then when we’re away from them, he eventually apologizes for their behavior, and promises to “be a better husband” by promising to call them on their behavior “in the future,” which….
4) Never happens, because he’s spent a lifetime denying any feelings, thoughts or actions that might upset their feelings, plans, beliefs, expectations, etc.
5) Repeat cycle.
No. 4 above has been especially problematic in our marriage, because the lack of emotion, the lack of empathy he’s cultivated in order to survive his chaotic family, is the same lack of emotion and empathy that’s destroying my trust in him, and my feeling of safety. It’s ruining our communication and undermining our intimacy.
“But I can’t make my family DO anything,” he maintains. “I mean, YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE IT DRINK….”
To which I counter, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO LEAD YOUR FAMILY HORSE TO WATER! You have the responsibility to show your family horse WHERE THE WATER IS, and YOU COULD AT LEAST ASK YOUR FAMILY HORSE TO DRINK IT by god! As it is, they don’t even know they’re thirsting to death!”
He said, “Well, then why don’t YOU talk to my family when they piss you off?”
“Because they’re YOUR family, not mine! They’re not gonna listen to ME as well as they’ll listen to you! And is this what you want, for you to be the hero and your bride the bitch? Just grow up, be an adult instead of a ‘good little boy’ and try to at least question them on their behavior and actions! And if they DON’T LISTEN to you, be prepared my friend, because we’re going to have to come up with consequences to help them GET the message and save our marriage.”
No, I do not enjoy being this big of a bitch.
But I also do not like it when his sisters make plans with us down at our house, which we anticipate with hope and delight, and then they cancel them after considerable time has passed. “Oops, I just looked at the calendar, and we have something that day. Let’s try again…” Or maybe you could kiss my ass instead?
I do not like being served food that hasn’t been washed, that they’ve eaten out of the serving bowl with their fingers, that they’ve coughed or sneezed in (these are the adults), or that has been prepared right next to where a dead cockroach is lying, along with its feces.
I did not like being surprised by a cockroach infestation when we arrive at MIL’s house while she was out of town, killing several just by walking across the kitchen floor, and in the morning I find I unwittingly carried a cockroach INTO Denny’s for breakfast, when I search for a crossroad puzzle pen in my purse. I took everything out of the purse in the Denny’s bathroom and found two more. Jesus.
I don’t like it when his entire family, including the smart-mouthed niece, shoves their far-right, homophobic, class-conscious, Republican ideology down my throat, or that they assume H and I are also fundamentalist or evangelical, or whatever they are.
I don’t like it when SIL says to me, “Well, I don’t mean to lay down the law or anything, but all the kids want to do Xmas Eve and Xmas Day every year at mom’s, so I guess your side of the family will just have to schedule around that…. We have to honor what the kids want, because Xmas is all about the kids, after all.”
I don’t like it when they plan things at the very last minute and expect us to show up.
I don’t like the “forced frivolity” where SILs come up with cheesy little skits, cheers (with pom poms. I’m not kidding), or games where they not only get to be the centers of attention, but they get to control everyone’s actions and show off their sentimentality in the best light.
I don’t like it when MIL tries to induce jealousy in me, with “I bet you’re worried about my son being around all those pretty young waitresses during the day, aren’t you?” and, “Well, you never know, men all cheat sooner or later.”
I don’t like it when their children and dogs are turned loose, to behave as rudely as is possible to all and sundry, and we’re expected to applaud them for it.
I didn’t like it when they kept pushing kids on us. “When are you going to give us grandchildren? You better get started! You’ll be changing diapers in no time!” Uh, for one thing, I can’t have children, for another, your son doesn’t want to adopt, AND he wants me to continue working. (This was a rare instance in which H actually DID effectively squelch his family, by telling them, “Look, we’re not having kids! You seem to think it’s our civic duty to supply you with more grandchildren! It’s not going to happen so cut it out!” He later felt guilty for making his mom cry. That was the only drawback, but at least she stopped being a pest about it.)
I could go on, but I won’t.
A church marquee had a good saying: “Replaying the past, poisons the present.”
But the problems with his family are always with us, and unchecked they’ll always BE with us.
I’m about to start reading Glasser’s “Choice Theory,” but I already checked the index and it doesn’t address in-laws.
Posted on July 15th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: in-laws
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