This morning, it occured to me, I’ve been doing a lot of kvetching about my H.
His family is nuts, he’s too close to them, he has different (=bad!) ideas about money, our physical relationship is nothing like it was when we were dating, there’s little or no romance, he treats me like a roommate or a best buddy instead of a wife or a woman, he does chores but half-asses them and expects a medal, he doesn’t give our dogs enough attention (if we had kids, I know I’d be one of those married-yet-single parents), I’ve had to put on the pants in this family because he either can’t, won’t, or has the pants on backward….
Recently in one of our arguments, we both agreed, when times are hard, we’ve looked back on what it was about each other that attracted us to each other in the first place. And that’s helped. But a hard look back reveals how little we resemble the way we “interviewed” during the dating process!
This morning, as I put on my wedding ring (instead of replacing it with the silver one I wear in its place on the days I wear mostly silver jewelry…) I realized some not-so-shiny aspects about myself as a wife, and how I contribute to the problems, and the differences between now and when we were dating. Summary: He ain’t the only one wot’s changed.
1) “OMG, if I’d known when we were dating, that your parents were like THIS….” generally works both ways. B.M. (Before Marriage, not the abbrev. for poop), we didn’t spend much time with MY family either. As H’s parents are loud, obnoxious, thoughtless and socially embarrassing, my father can be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic, black-mooded misogynist, while mom can be a nervous Mary Tyler Moore figure, saying loopy things and pronouncing the H in “wheat,” and trying to give a general impression that “everything’s fine, everyone’s happy, things are just dandy!”
2) “You are totally half-assing the cleaning.” Now, I don’t buy into the whole female, “You should just be grateful he DOES any laundry or cleaning.” That’s bullshit. If a wife is working full-time, the H should be doing at least 50 percent of life’s various chores. But I AM impressed that H is willing to clean more frequently than I am, if not more meticulously. As a matter of fact, I get bogged down in perfectionism and put it off, while he tackles it with gusto, albeit with one eye closed.
3) “He doesn’t treat me like a wife.” Guess what I realized this morning (dumbass!)? He’s always complained when I don’t wear my wedding ring, but have I taken it to heart and fulfilled this one small request, to wear the three-month’s-salary bauble he gave me, that signifies my endless and eternal love for him? Nooooooooooooooo. So what if I worry about wearing a bit of gold with my otherwise silver-accessorized ensemble? What’s more important here?
I should probably treat him more like a husband, than, at times, like a girlfriend (uh, he doesn’t need to know about the various complexities of body hair removal), a nurse (does he really need to see me clip my toenails?), a lackey (”please pick up my dry cleaning, fix me breakfast, empty the dishwasher, clean out the garage, water the plants for me, go buy some stamps, do my laundry too, and by the way– I will roll my eyes if you ask me to do one blessed thing for YOU.”), a fix-it man (”honey, my necklace broke again!”), a masseuse (”Boy, my feet sure hurt….oh, wouldja mind? Thanks!”), and a psychiatrist (”The sister of Carolyn’s friend Darla said she thought my joke about the monkey and the zebra was really insensitive to wildlife. Why would she have said such a thing? D’you think I’m insensitive?”) AND, worst of all, fashion expert, a job for which he is ill-equipped and I now realize my questions are akin to entrapment (”Whaddayou think of the fit? …It does NOT look just fine! It doesn’t fit in the arm holes, but do you think I can get away with it?…What about this…Do you think it makes me look fat?” –Run, H, run!).
4) “Ummmm. Are we, like, EVER going to do it again in this lifetime?” OK. This is probably a 50-50 thing here, when I’ve been blaming him for, like, 80% of it. I would have to say…and be brutally honest with myself….gaining 60 lbs. in the last 8 years was probably not the sexiest thing I could do to inspire ardor within his lovely, fairly expansive heart. And it’s probably one of the best incentives I could have to lose weight. I’ve heard it said “guys are visual, that’s why they like porn,” and to some degree, I suppose it makes sense (although porn comes in handy for also avoiding inconvenient, messy things, too, like….actually HAVING and maintaining a relationship with a real, live woman). But frankly, I’m tired of feeling self-conscious in the sack, so I guess I’m visual too.
Somewhat in my defense: Also, 60 lbs. ago, he was saying extremely stupid things like, “You don’t eat enough,” and “You’re almost too skinny (and I certainly wasn’t),” and “I’m not like you, I have to eat,” and “But I made this for you! Won’t you eat the plate I made for you (with portions twice what I should have had)?” and then “You didn’t finish it. Didn’t you like it?”
5) “He rarely seeks solutions or initiates change or improvement in our life together, whether it’s bidding out the contracting, finding a diet and exercise program, coming up with a way to deal with his family, etc…..” I think many men are, through no fault of their own, relationship- and social morons, bred to slump silently on couches in front of televised sports during family gatherings, as women talk, bake, cook, clean, and interact with the kids. I have to be more patient about bringing him around into the real world. And, I need to be more understanding about how he uses TV, golf, and poker as a means of escape. As for not taking the lead….It’s not as if I patiently stand by and let him take the wheel…I tend to dive in there….And actually, I might always have to.
Hmmmm. I’m going to try, in the future, to update this as they occur to me.
Posted on May 22nd, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General
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