Currently, I’m 199.
Incredible.
I never thought that would happen.
But it did happen. I made it happen. With a variety of transgressions, most of which involve that necessary activity, eating.
Overeating. Mindless eating. Comfort eating. Boredom eating. Family eating. Celebration eating. Event-oriented eating. Driving eating. Experimental-recipe eating. Travel eating. Work eating. Vacation eating. TV eating. Highly-suggestible (oh, that looks good) eating. Friend eating. Marriage eating.
It’s easy to see why gluttony is one of the seven “deadlies.”
So….Last January, I thought I’d be down to 150 by this time, at least. Cakewalk, with the 6 Week Body Makeover. But one of those Weight Watchers commercials hit it on the head– The world presents us with bad food choices 80 percent of the time. And, a large part of today’s culture– guess what– Goes out to eat! And there are only so many boneless, skinless chicken breasts one can eat, or so many waitresses one can tick off with “…And no fats, sugars, salt or dairy, please….”
Anyway. I should blame no one but myself, for having a lack of willpower in the face of so much temptation.
So I’m boarding the diet and exercise bus again. But I’m afraid my attitude is pure crap right now, even though there are 3 major events staring me in the face:
1) Having to stand up, in less than a month, with my skinny friend at her wedding. I’m the only person standing up there with her, by the way. “Fat friend.” Lovely.
2) Having to wear a swimsuit in front of my husband’s coworkers, since he won a trip to Florida recently. I was about 19 lbs. lighter when he won the cruise in October.
3) Going on a 225-mile, week-long bike ride, which I did last year when I got down to 172. I was so full of optimism at that time, thought afterward, “Next year, I’ll be really thin and make even better time! Maybe I can even be thin enough to wear a bike jersey!” Now, I don’t even want to go.
I want to eat until I feel better. Feel better about my family life and the favoritism my parents shower on my sister. Feel better about my passionless marriage. Feel better about not having enough savings. Feel better about my thankless job. Feel better about my in-laws. Feel better about not feeling better.
Food numbs me. I feel better when I’m eating food, because food means, life is either “on hold” until after I’ve finished, or it means “we’re celebrating happy times.” I get to indulge one of my senses, the sense of taste. If something tastes good, that means at least SOMETHING is controllable in my life, and at least SOMETHING is going right, and at least I can enjoy SOMETHING.
Otherwise, all I usually:
Hear: is the TV jabbering, my husband droning on and on about his work, or the whirr of my computer at work.
See: is a bunch of fat, tatooed, pierced, abusive, cursing people in public, or litter in the ditches, or the mess on my desk as I try to do the job of 3 people, or the never-ending mess around the house.
Feel: is the fur of my dogs who are ALWAYS wanting more effing attention (although I do love them very much), my effing computer keys, my husband’s skin and hair although he rarely returns the favor and it’s breaking my heart and making me eat more, the steering wheel under my hands as I worry about the price of gasoline and how I’m heading off to do another meaningless, useless errand.
Smell: The sweet vapor of fast food, or the musty smell of my office building, or the odd jobs my husband has decided to do, or the trash he still hasn’t taken out of the damn kitchen yet. I get to smell the dogs that need to be washed…by me….again…..
I think I’m seriously depressed, and I’m using food as a drug.
Posted on April 28th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General
I can empathize with you completely. I look back at my journals where I got down to 160 and thought… I have won the race. To only give up and skyrocket up to my highest “non-prego” weight of 195. I guess the moral of the story, especially if you are using your food to anesthetize your life, is you can never let down your guard and give up. Because eventually you will have to start the journey all over again.
LOl.. if only it were so simple. Good Luck! Now that you are aware, maybe you can stop it.
Exactly. Thanks for your understanding, tkt117. I’ve been in a funk lately, and I’m hoping that by getting the “bad air” out on a few posts here in this blog, I can get a sense of just how much negativity I think up every day. I realize that changing my attitude is part of losing weight. It might even be the BIGGEST part of losing weight.
I was searching for \’Cookie Diet\’ at google and got this your post (\’Here I am at 199. Egad.\’) in search results. Not very relevant result, but still interesting to read
I’m flattered, but I bet it’s not NEARLY as interesting a read as the “cookie diet!” Hope you found the cookie diet OK, but glad you stopped by. Good luck in your endeavors.