No, not the state of Illinois. My in-laws. Again. A state of ill-annoy.
Sigh. Stayed up WAY too late last night, continuing the 1120th argument about them in the past 8 years.
Our dealings with his family follow a pattern:
1) Individually or en masse, they do or say something (choose all that apply): Inconsiderate, thoughtless, controlling, vulgar, coercive, guilt-inducing, overly-dramatic, false, irresponsible, arrogant, chaotic, ill-mannered, disappointing or otherwise insulting.
2) …And H lets them get away with their behavior almost EVERY TIME, letting them think it’s perfectly acceptable, normal, expected.
He does this by (choose all that apply): a) Passively acting as if nothing has happened or anything is wrong; b) Weakly protesting to them and quickly backing down; c) Actively denying and/or d) Defending their actions and behavior to me/us; e) Accusing me of being unjust and/or f) Avoiding or absenting himself from the situation emotionally, physically, and relationally.
3) And then when we’re away from them, he eventually apologizes for their behavior, and promises to “be a better husband” by promising to call them on their behavior “in the future,” which….
4) Never happens, because he’s spent a lifetime denying any feelings, thoughts or actions that might upset their feelings, plans, beliefs, expectations, etc.
5) Repeat cycle.
No. 4 above has been especially problematic in our marriage, because the lack of emotion, the lack of empathy he’s cultivated in order to survive his chaotic family, is the same lack of emotion and empathy that’s destroying my trust in him, and my feeling of safety. It’s ruining our communication and undermining our intimacy.
“But I can’t make my family DO anything,” he maintains. “I mean, YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE IT DRINK….”
To which I counter, “YOU’RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO LEAD YOUR FAMILY HORSE TO WATER! You have the responsibility to show your family horse WHERE THE WATER IS, and YOU COULD AT LEAST ASK YOUR FAMILY HORSE TO DRINK IT by god! As it is, they don’t even know they’re thirsting to death!”
He said, “Well, then why don’t YOU talk to my family when they piss you off?”
“Because they’re YOUR family, not mine! They’re not gonna listen to ME as well as they’ll listen to you! And is this what you want, for you to be the hero and your bride the bitch? Just grow up, be an adult instead of a ‘good little boy’ and try to at least question them on their behavior and actions! And if they DON’T LISTEN to you, be prepared my friend, because we’re going to have to come up with consequences to help them GET the message and save our marriage.”
No, I do not enjoy being this big of a bitch.
But I also do not like it when his sisters make plans with us down at our house, which we anticipate with hope and delight, and then they cancel them after considerable time has passed. “Oops, I just looked at the calendar, and we have something that day. Let’s try again…” Or maybe you could kiss my ass instead?
I do not like being served food that hasn’t been washed, that they’ve eaten out of the serving bowl with their fingers, that they’ve coughed or sneezed in (these are the adults), or that has been prepared right next to where a dead cockroach is lying, along with its feces.
I did not like being surprised by a cockroach infestation when we arrive at MIL’s house while she was out of town, killing several just by walking across the kitchen floor, and in the morning I find I unwittingly carried a cockroach INTO Denny’s for breakfast, when I search for a crossroad puzzle pen in my purse. I took everything out of the purse in the Denny’s bathroom and found two more. Jesus.
I don’t like it when his entire family, including the smart-mouthed niece, shoves their far-right, homophobic, class-conscious, Republican ideology down my throat, or that they assume H and I are also fundamentalist or evangelical, or whatever they are.
I don’t like it when SIL says to me, “Well, I don’t mean to lay down the law or anything, but all the kids want to do Xmas Eve and Xmas Day every year at mom’s, so I guess your side of the family will just have to schedule around that…. We have to honor what the kids want, because Xmas is all about the kids, after all.”
I don’t like it when they plan things at the very last minute and expect us to show up.
I don’t like the “forced frivolity” where SILs come up with cheesy little skits, cheers (with pom poms. I’m not kidding), or games where they not only get to be the centers of attention, but they get to control everyone’s actions and show off their sentimentality in the best light.
I don’t like it when MIL tries to induce jealousy in me, with “I bet you’re worried about my son being around all those pretty young waitresses during the day, aren’t you?” and, “Well, you never know, men all cheat sooner or later.”
I don’t like it when their children and dogs are turned loose, to behave as rudely as is possible to all and sundry, and we’re expected to applaud them for it.
I didn’t like it when they kept pushing kids on us. “When are you going to give us grandchildren? You better get started! You’ll be changing diapers in no time!” Uh, for one thing, I can’t have children, for another, your son doesn’t want to adopt, AND he wants me to continue working. (This was a rare instance in which H actually DID effectively squelch his family, by telling them, “Look, we’re not having kids! You seem to think it’s our civic duty to supply you with more grandchildren! It’s not going to happen so cut it out!” He later felt guilty for making his mom cry. That was the only drawback, but at least she stopped being a pest about it.)
I could go on, but I won’t.
A church marquee had a good saying: “Replaying the past, poisons the present.”
But the problems with his family are always with us, and unchecked they’ll always BE with us.
I’m about to start reading Glasser’s “Choice Theory,” but I already checked the index and it doesn’t address in-laws.
Posted on July 15th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: in-laws | No Comments »
There are only so many things I can work on at any given time.
My job, my marriage, my diet & exercise program, my garden, my garden club, my library board, politics, local, state, national and global issues, my family, his family, etc.
Until I have confidence that this thing between H and I can get under-control, well… Our marriage is the most important issue at the moment. My family and his family are also important, especially if that’s influencing the problem we’re experiencing (and I’m 98% sure they have a hand in both of our problems). We both need our jobs to survive, so that requires stamina as well.
And, gladly, we’re not throwing diet and exercise completely out the window, but it’s shifted in priority at this time.
So, unfortunately, the topics of gardening, library-ing, and the rest of the world will have to chill for a bit. Three months? Half a year? Two years? Who knows.
Eh. I already know who I’m voting for anyway.
Posted on June 10th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | No Comments »
But, well… really….What did I expect?
Oh, I think I know how I gained a magic SEVEN POUNDS over Memorial Day. How do my fat cells love me? Let me count the ways…..
Thursday, May 22, Rehearsal Dinner: OK, so I got the cream sauce for my salmon “on the side.” I still dipped my tines in it when I ate the super-sized filet. I also had to eat 1/2 an onion ring, b/c I’d ordered that cosmo thinking I needed a drink after wanting to kill the bossy organist at my bff’s wedding rehearsal, and the alcohol made me woozy while I waited for our meal. And I ate about 4 times the jasmine rice I should have. (ALTHOUGH: Kudos to me for ordering balsamic vinegar on my salad, and extra lemons for the meal.)
Friday, May 23, The wedding: Didn’t get to sleep ’til midnight, and I couldn’t sleep from 4 a.m. on, so I went to work at 5 a.m., worked an hour, and GOT McDONALD’S pancake and sausage breakfast and a burrito (ALTHOUGH: Gave the burrito to H, and only used 1 syrup package). I told myself I needed the carbs so I could sleep. It worked like a charm, I have to say, and I promised myself I wouldn’t eat lunch– I promise I kept. I only had an apple and 1/3 (only? am I for real?) of a box of triscuits in the afternoon, and I drank champagne with my friend before the wedding (b/c she wanted me to participate in a toast to us), and had COPIOUS amounts of wine and a bit of fat-food at the reception, but not a lot. My biggest cheat was the wine, and I allowed that b/c it’s been awhile since I’ve been good and sauced.
Saturday, May 24, Niece’s graduation: And I remembered the next day, WHY I haven’t gotten sauced in a long time. Everything went to hell in a handbasket. Forgot how ravenous for carbs I am after a drunk. Don’t remember what I had for breakfast (oh, wait– meatloaf and more-than-enough rice), but I can tell you, I was completely hungover and begged off the 2.5 hour drive to SIL’s house, but felt guilty when H sweetly gave me a reprieve, and got dressed and went anyway. Stopped to get gas and while I got 2 bananas, I also got 2 bags of potato chips (Sun Chips and 1/2 a gaggy bag of buffalo-bleu cheese potato chips), my way of “treating” myself b/c my in-laws are such pains in my ass (an ass to which they’ve contributed much in the way of size, with all their coercive eating habits).
Anyway, it’s a damn good thing I did get food on the way, because SIL had NO INTENTION OF FEEDING US for more than 4 hours after we arrived! And was it the crab legs she said she would feed us, the crab legs my H went to all the trouble to get her, the crab legs she never paid us for ? NO! We didnt’ have the crab boil with potatoes and corn! We didn’t even have the not-as-healthy, but-could-be-worse chicken enchiladas she said Friday that she was going to do! Know what we had?
Fettucine alfredo with chicken with dick-limp peppers! She poured a quart of heavy cream over it, and served it with a ton of buttered french bread! And a LITTLE TINY BIT of salad, heavy on the oil and parmesan, which was gone in the blink of an eye by 14 people who’d been waiting around starving.
Like I’ve said…The gloves are off. I’m so fucking sick of H’s family serving the nutritional equivalent of lard on a plate, so I’m fully prepared to come off looking like a grade-A bitch by bringing my own effing food, if that’s the way it is. But here, I had no choice. She switched it up at the last minute.
NOTE TO SELF: Always, but ALWAYS, bring in your own meal to H’s family get-togethers. If there’s something healthful there (or not too damning), by all means, join in. But there’s a reason why they’re all so fat, even if they don’t see it– They’re CONSTANTLY eating crap, because they are CONSTANTLY together, and they’re CONSTANTLY celebrating– a kid’s church play, a preschool graduation, a nephew replacing the toilet paper on his own, for all I know.
And by the way, do NOT sit at the kid’s table ever again. They were up and down the whole time, and watching the 11-year-old eat fettucine alfredo was an absolutely appalling experience that was supremely difficult to ignore, give the fact she kept shrieking about her antics.
BIL’s mom’s girlfriend (ha! I love it. I know it’s mean, but BIL and SIL are such self-righteous, conservative Christian homophobes, when his mom and girlfriend are absolutely delightful people. I hurt for them, and I hope he’s able to keep his priggish self in check when he’s around them), anyway, BIL’s mom’s girlfriend said at one point, when the 11-year-old and 13-year-old nieces and nephew were crawling around under the table, “Oh, that’s Niece. I thought that was (Dog’s Name).”
I’ve so had it with nieces’ and nephew’s lack of table manners– No, with their absolutely ATROCIOUS manners at table– that I jokingly said, “No, (Dog’s Name) is better behaved than Niece.” And BIL’s Mom’s Girlfriend laughed.
If my SILs heard me, I’m sure they wanted to kill me, and you know, I’d have loved it if they tried. I’ve wanted to go spider-monkey on their butts before, the way they let their kids get away with murder at the dinner table, and we’re not only supposed to ignore it, we’re supposed to like it.
Still, even given the history of the kids’ awful table behavior, I think I could’ve overlooked the pre-teens crawling around under the table, but earlier, none of the kids were made to give up a seat for my MIL (SIL’s mom), which was noticed by my GMIL….”Shouldn’t one of the kids give up a seat for Judy?” she said. “Yes,” I said, “But it’s not going to happen.”
Sunday & Monday: Well, now that I’d blown it completely, it was an eating frenzy. M&M’s, pizza, 2 lbs. of that Pizza Hut meaty marinara pasta in one sitting, 2 cans in one sitting of clam chowder, with a pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream, salad with real creamy-italian dressing and cheese and bacon bits, onion soup and a BLT with mayo.
The question is not “How did I gain 7 lbs.” but rather, “How did I gain ONLY 7 lbs.?”
Here’s the deal– I eat carbs like I did, I only want to eat more carbs. It’s an addiction, and hopefully my ILs will be able to understand that, but if they don’t, well…..I have to be responsible for what I put in my mouth, not them. The boundary is, I respect them and don’t expect them to cater to my weird food situation that I HAVE to adhere to right now (for health reasons), but they have to respect me by allowing me to eat what I have to eat, with little or no complaint or comment.
God knows, I’ve eaten their food enough by now. Hasn’t it made me fat enough for them yet? The answer, unfortunately, is NO.
Posted on May 27th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General, in-laws | No Comments »
This morning, it occured to me, I’ve been doing a lot of kvetching about my H.
His family is nuts, he’s too close to them, he has different (=bad!) ideas about money, our physical relationship is nothing like it was when we were dating, there’s little or no romance, he treats me like a roommate or a best buddy instead of a wife or a woman, he does chores but half-asses them and expects a medal, he doesn’t give our dogs enough attention (if we had kids, I know I’d be one of those married-yet-single parents), I’ve had to put on the pants in this family because he either can’t, won’t, or has the pants on backward….
Recently in one of our arguments, we both agreed, when times are hard, we’ve looked back on what it was about each other that attracted us to each other in the first place. And that’s helped. But a hard look back reveals how little we resemble the way we “interviewed” during the dating process!
This morning, as I put on my wedding ring (instead of replacing it with the silver one I wear in its place on the days I wear mostly silver jewelry…) I realized some not-so-shiny aspects about myself as a wife, and how I contribute to the problems, and the differences between now and when we were dating. Summary: He ain’t the only one wot’s changed.
1) “OMG, if I’d known when we were dating, that your parents were like THIS….” generally works both ways. B.M. (Before Marriage, not the abbrev. for poop), we didn’t spend much time with MY family either. As H’s parents are loud, obnoxious, thoughtless and socially embarrassing, my father can be a foul-mouthed, alcoholic, black-mooded misogynist, while mom can be a nervous Mary Tyler Moore figure, saying loopy things and pronouncing the H in “wheat,” and trying to give a general impression that “everything’s fine, everyone’s happy, things are just dandy!”
2) “You are totally half-assing the cleaning.” Now, I don’t buy into the whole female, “You should just be grateful he DOES any laundry or cleaning.” That’s bullshit. If a wife is working full-time, the H should be doing at least 50 percent of life’s various chores. But I AM impressed that H is willing to clean more frequently than I am, if not more meticulously. As a matter of fact, I get bogged down in perfectionism and put it off, while he tackles it with gusto, albeit with one eye closed.
3) “He doesn’t treat me like a wife.” Guess what I realized this morning (dumbass!)? He’s always complained when I don’t wear my wedding ring, but have I taken it to heart and fulfilled this one small request, to wear the three-month’s-salary bauble he gave me, that signifies my endless and eternal love for him? Nooooooooooooooo. So what if I worry about wearing a bit of gold with my otherwise silver-accessorized ensemble? What’s more important here?
I should probably treat him more like a husband, than, at times, like a girlfriend (uh, he doesn’t need to know about the various complexities of body hair removal), a nurse (does he really need to see me clip my toenails?), a lackey (”please pick up my dry cleaning, fix me breakfast, empty the dishwasher, clean out the garage, water the plants for me, go buy some stamps, do my laundry too, and by the way– I will roll my eyes if you ask me to do one blessed thing for YOU.”), a fix-it man (”honey, my necklace broke again!”), a masseuse (”Boy, my feet sure hurt….oh, wouldja mind? Thanks!”), and a psychiatrist (”The sister of Carolyn’s friend Darla said she thought my joke about the monkey and the zebra was really insensitive to wildlife. Why would she have said such a thing? D’you think I’m insensitive?”) AND, worst of all, fashion expert, a job for which he is ill-equipped and I now realize my questions are akin to entrapment (”Whaddayou think of the fit? …It does NOT look just fine! It doesn’t fit in the arm holes, but do you think I can get away with it?…What about this…Do you think it makes me look fat?” –Run, H, run!).
4) “Ummmm. Are we, like, EVER going to do it again in this lifetime?” OK. This is probably a 50-50 thing here, when I’ve been blaming him for, like, 80% of it. I would have to say…and be brutally honest with myself….gaining 60 lbs. in the last 8 years was probably not the sexiest thing I could do to inspire ardor within his lovely, fairly expansive heart. And it’s probably one of the best incentives I could have to lose weight. I’ve heard it said “guys are visual, that’s why they like porn,” and to some degree, I suppose it makes sense (although porn comes in handy for also avoiding inconvenient, messy things, too, like….actually HAVING and maintaining a relationship with a real, live woman). But frankly, I’m tired of feeling self-conscious in the sack, so I guess I’m visual too.
Somewhat in my defense: Also, 60 lbs. ago, he was saying extremely stupid things like, “You don’t eat enough,” and “You’re almost too skinny (and I certainly wasn’t),” and “I’m not like you, I have to eat,” and “But I made this for you! Won’t you eat the plate I made for you (with portions twice what I should have had)?” and then “You didn’t finish it. Didn’t you like it?”
5) “He rarely seeks solutions or initiates change or improvement in our life together, whether it’s bidding out the contracting, finding a diet and exercise program, coming up with a way to deal with his family, etc…..” I think many men are, through no fault of their own, relationship- and social morons, bred to slump silently on couches in front of televised sports during family gatherings, as women talk, bake, cook, clean, and interact with the kids. I have to be more patient about bringing him around into the real world. And, I need to be more understanding about how he uses TV, golf, and poker as a means of escape. As for not taking the lead….It’s not as if I patiently stand by and let him take the wheel…I tend to dive in there….And actually, I might always have to.
Hmmmm. I’m going to try, in the future, to update this as they occur to me.
Posted on May 22nd, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | No Comments »
Well, I’ll tell you what’s going on. FAT part of my brain is overriding SKINNY part of my brain, but I think I have it under control, because I’ve given myself permission to cheat BUT VERY LITTLE and on this diet, it monkeys with delicate balance over my metabolism and water retention.
Exhibit A (Saturday): One beer on friend’s bachelorette night.
Exhibit B (Tuesday): This sounds dumb, but “as garden club president,” I had to get the refreshment portion of the meeting under way, because we were all busy admiring member hostess M’s FANTASTIC house (her husband made a pile as a geologist in Saudi Arabia decades ago, and they’re still living off of it. She’s decorated her house in an incredible, Middle Eastern way, and paints, collects minerals that are lying around the house, and she’s cultivated an incredible bird population). Anyway, I took one of the pre-caked plates (there were no empty ones), grabbed a fruit skewer and walked into the room where everyone was standing around talking– See? Time to eat, let’s move it, yes?– and while everyone was descending on the buffet, I messed up the cake so it looked like I picked at it, but I took one bite to reduce the size of the cake matter on my plate. Yeah, it was really good, but one bite was enough. I put the paper napkin on top, so no one would notice how much I wasted. Which is also dumb– why should I care what anyone thought? Not my fault someone gave me too big a slice.
Exhibit C1 (Wednesday, yesterday): Since garden club happened on the night of our wedding anniversary, H and I went out last night to a Mexican restaurant which serves this fantastic shrimp soup (avocado bits, rice, tomato, lime juice, onion, garlic, fresh jalapeno). The salty broth and avocado were enough to sink me on this otherwise-healthier menu choice, but THEN…
Exhibit C2 (Wed.): I also had about 15 tortilla chips and salsa. Salt, corn, oil– 3 baddies in 1. Enjoyed it, though.
Exhibit C3 (Wed.): I ate carrots when we saw Iron Man (good flick). I’m not sure if this is evidence of cheating– I think on this diet, I can eat veggies, but I’m pretty sure I’m only supposed to have them during one of my six meal times, and it was too soon after dinner. Hrm.
HOWEVER, in my defense:
Mitigating factor 1: These are all holidays, events, celebrations. Even though the diet says that’s no excuse, well– I’m not an automaton. And while others’ feelings aren’t paramount to my own health and thinness, I think I can make some conciliatory gestures, like eating ONE bit of cake or having ONE beer to everyone else’s SIX. It’s called “participation.” But I will have to remain vigilant when I do participate. Kind of like drinking.
Mitigating factor 2: I’ve restrained myself VERY well, and I’ve realized I can enjoy myself without relying on food. Every “eating” celebration, I have to tell myself, is an opportunity to reinforce my learning that “food” does NOT equal “fun.” Especially when I wind up wearing the “fun” on my ass, hips, arms, gut, and chin. Praise the lord and pass the Nutrasweetened-grapefruit slices.
Mitigating factor 3: Weight fluctuates. Weight fluctuates. Weight fluctuates…
I did ride my bike yesterday. Made good time, under an hour for 12.5 miles, avg. speed 11.5 mph. I need to start adding the spurs, the offshoots of the trail. Was a great ride, saw a turkey, a deer, almost ran over a baby snake, and a bird tried racing with me which was cool. The bergamot is lovely, and the spiderworts are incredible. The wild grapes should be abundant this year.
Upcoming pitfalls (ahem, opportunities for using my new healthy habits): Oy vay, where to begin? A) Tonight’s rehearsal dinner, B) tomorrow’s the wedding, C) Saturday is graduation celebration with the Fat Family (ILs), and D) as a reward and a respite, H offered to leave his SIL’s early Sunday a.m. so we could eat breakfast out. I’m going to take him up on it.
Pitfalls avoided: A) I could’ve eaten SO much at garden club. Brie en croute, chocolate, and I don’t even know WHAT else, I honed in hard on the fruit skewers. B) A WHOLE MENU full of Mexican fat-food. Cheese, flour, oil, corn- the regular staples, and I avoided the worst that was offered. C) Oh, the smell of the movie popcorn was tempting. Thank god we ate beforehand, and I had carrots with me. I need to get in the habit of attending movies WITHOUT snacks, though.
Let’s walk before we run, shall we?
More later on today…
Posted on May 22nd, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | No Comments »
I broke 188! Let the clouds part and the angels sing, Hallelujah and Turkey Meatloaf forever (with homemade ketchup)!
What a relief.
Now, on to the feelings I’d like to eat.
H and I discussed his parents this morning. They still have an effect on me.
For instance, we spent May 10 with them, cleaning their gutters, planting landscape (I cannot fucking believe they simply dumped a load of topsoil on top of the river rock they used 15 years ago to mulch their front beds. To plant 8 plants, I’d have to dig through a couple inches of rock! Unbelievable), and generally sweating our tootsies off. I took up smoking again, on the way home.
This past weekend, his mom panicked when H didn’t talk to her Friday-Sunday, and she called Monday morning around 8:40 (when she thought I’d be gone), and stammered, “Where were you? Are you OK? I didn’t hear from you,” which tells me he has to talk to her (or his dad) ALL THE DAMN TIME. And behind my back. Still.
We’re supposed to spend the night at his SIL’s on Saturday night, and we’ll be pressured to stay with them for as long as possible on Sunday. THEN, we’ll be spending the night at his parents’ house on Wednesday, so they can drive us to the airport on Thursday.
Which sounds like a nice thing, except they EXPECT us to use them for airport transportation. They keep us awake for talking the night before, the bed springs squeak mercilessly when we finally get to bed, then in the morning, they expect us to shower in their crappy, dirty, makeshift shower that has a garden hose faucet for a spigot and no pressure. In 8 years, I’ve only used it 2x’s– And by the way, FIL is about to spend $1,200 on a 42-inch plasma TV, which is so frustrating, given they want us to spend the night all the time. Forgive me, I’d like to take a shower in the morning, without offending them by wearing shower shoes. If they have $1,200 rolling around, why not spend it on a new freaking shower? Or lasting cockroach removal.
We’ll of course have to see them when our plane gets back from FL, because last time, when we took a cab from the airport to their house to pick up our car, FIL yelled at us, because he was supposed to detain us in picking us up so that MIL could get home from work and she could make dinner for us. We were so effing tired, I just insisted we leave. I hate the manipulation. “Don! Keep ‘em there! I’m only 5 minutes away!” she yelled at FIL over the phone. Forget it, we’re leaving, I said.
But that’s not the END of the fun. They’ve decided to sit through a 4-hour sales presentation on a golf-course time-share being sold in our smallish town, so they could spend more time with us and have a free “vacation.” They booked it for the weekend before H’s and my huge week-long bike trip, June 12-14. They did this without checking our schedules, and I know we’ll be pressured to take additional vacation time for them.
My concern is, they are so involved in my H’s life still, although he often lies and says he doesn’t talk to them “that often.”
Why would a grown man want to, or feel the need to, talk to his parents on a practically daily basis? I just wish my FIL would stop treating my H like his best-buddy, and I wish my MIL would stop treating my H like a husband.
And THAT is the million dollar phrase, that I think has effected our marriage the most. I think my H LIKES to be his dad’s best-buddy, and he has a weird sense of obligation to give his mom the attention she’s not getting from his dad.
Oh, yuck. We’re definitely going to marriage counseling.
Posted on May 21st, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | 2 Comments »
“Binge Eating,” to me, conjures up images of feasting on a bunch of fat food, and then either digesting it or throwing it up (which, alas, I did a few times when I was really skinny, but I could never get the hang of it, mentally or physically. Thank god).
And that’s it. I’ve only connected the words with the action, not with the impetus to binge or the results of bingeing.
I would broaden the definition of “binge eating” this way:
To eat food that one does not nutritionally need, when one is not hungry, simply because one feels compelled to eat the food presented.
To wit: There’s food on the table. It’s my favorite: California onion dip & fritos. I don’t need it. I just ate lunch. I’m reasonably full. But I’ll take a taste anyway.
Pandora’s box has just been opened.
My fat cells are SCREAMING “More! More! If you like this, you’ll love even MORE of it! Pleeeeease, you neeeeeeed this! You’ve been so good, reward yourself! Reward us! Eeeeat moooooore!”
And I either feel: Shame and remorse, because I will indeed eat a lot more of it; or, Shame and remorse, because even though I didn’t eat any more of it, I feel like crap because food’s got such a hold on me.
I’ve got to forgive myself the obsession with certain foods. If I take a taste, I’ve got to give myself permission to enjoy it, permission to eat no more of it, and permission to feel OK about finally getting some self-discipline together and limiting the “fat” foods I have enjoyed in the past.
‘Cause I gotta realize at some point, avoiding certain foods altogether doesn’t mean I’m altogether avoiding them, if I’m preoccupied with avoiding them. Amen.
Posted on May 20th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: Self Inspiration | 2 Comments »
It’s H’s and my 8th Anniversary. Could almost call it Anniversary Ate, because I’ve gained 60 lbs. since marrying him (and his fat-inducing family).
Ah, and speaking of the Fat Family, we get to pig out on crab legs with them this weekend. I’m thinking of saving my cheating (which I don’t really want to do anyway) for my friend’s rehearsal dinner on Thursday and her wedding reception on Friday. I think I could swing the crab legs without butter, just lemon juice, and salad and plain baked potato. I really DON’T want to eat all the crap my SIL is going to put out for us on Saturday afternoon and evening, because I’m SICK TO DEATH of eating caloric stuff with H’s family for the last 8 years.
BECAUSE: Yes, indeed, other people CAN make you fat, unless you’re very vigilant about their sabotage.
Literally, H’s family stuffs food in your face. I’ve experienced it and seen it happen. “Open your mouth, you have to taste this,” and they shove it in your face. It’s very claustrophobic. I don’t let it happen anymore. The last time I let it happen, his grandmother did a whole, “Open your mouth and close your eyes,” and she popped in not 1, not 2, but THREE olive roll-ups in my mouth. I was almost choking. That was the end of tolerating or cooperating with that.
That was the same Thanksgiving trip when the shelf of the refrigerator broke, because she had too much food on it. Spaghetti, Ham, Turkey and about 5 sides and 6 desserts for only FIVE people.
At the table, my ILs make a big point of watching what I eat: “Oh, Sarah’s going to be so good! Give yourself a break! Try my _____.” or “You didn’t like my ____! You only had one helping!” or “Don’t you want any ____, Sarah?” or “Why aren’t you eating?”
Jesus, people! Is a 60-lb. weight gain not enough for you!? You all talk about how fat you are, and how you’re dieting, but I see your pantries full of cake mixes, potato chips, etc.! “Oh, it’s for the kids,” they say. Why, so your kids can be fat like you? Why would you do such a thing? “Oh, you don’t have kids, so you don’t know– they have to eat chicken nuggets and pasta, or they won’t eat anything!” Go weigh yourself, and you’ll see, it’s better that they DON’T eat anything. These are their younger years! Instill in them a sense of appreciation for whole, nutritious foods!
If I could make it through the bachelorette part on Saturday with only a beer at the end of the night as a cheat, I think I can make an overnight trip to SIL’s. Especially since I have to wear a bathing suit the following weekend.
Have been hovering around 188 for sometime now– actually, since last Thursday. But, in looking through my records on here, I was fluctuating between 188-191 last Thursday, so hopefully, this week I can get down to….I dunno. I’d like to shoot for 186. I don’t see why I SHOULDN’T be able to hit 186, but then I have no idea why I’m plateauing at 188.
I at least want to be 187.
But maybe I’m being too impatient.
(It’s the journey, not the destination. The journey, not the destination. The journey, not the destination. This is how I travel, this is how I roll, this is not about where I’m going, it’s how I get there, and how I leave there once I get there…..)
Upcoming pitfalls:
1) Library board meeting usually has snacks. I just need to eat my own mid-afternoon snack, right before I go.
2) Tonight: Garden Club meeting. Need to adjust dinner to 6 p.m., so I’m still full when I go. The food, I should be telling myself, is not going to be as good as a size 6 or 8.
3) Rehearsal dinner: I just hope there’s no White Death on the plate. I’m a goner for mashed potatoes and pasta, and I’ll just want to eat MORE if I have a taste.
4) Reception: Oy. Try to keep drinking water, and go for the crudite. Have a glass of wine and save the fatty foods for right before you think you’re going to leave.
5) Graduation meals: Stick to crab legs & lemon juice. Go for the baked potatoes or boiled potatoes. Stay away from the sausage or corn (White Death). Drink LOTS of water, because that crab and potato will have been cooked in boil seasoning.
Pitfalls Avoided:
1) Bachelorette day: Except for missing a few meals, having to eat the “healthy” (read: salty) versions in restaurants, and that one beer at the end of the day, I did a SUBERB job of staying away from all the fatty food I bought and laid out for everyone else. SUPER KUDOS TO ME!
2) H and I really had it out on Sunday, quite unexpectedly. I was so tempted to “eat my feelings,” and I didn’t. Rather, the opposite. It really sucked to fight, but it DID make me realize that stress, depression, rejection, frustration and anger are trigger points for binge eating. I didn’t numb my feelings by eating. I let myself feel the pain, anger, etc. I now realize I need to go through Anger Management classes, but hey, that’s progress, too, in a way.
Posted on May 20th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | 2 Comments »
The Big Winery Day is tomorrow, otherwise known as Bachelorette Party. Three friends and I are taking the bride to all the local wineries, from 12:30-6 p.m. Oy gifelte fish.
Shopping for the snacks was EXTREMELY difficult, trying to figure out what would taste good, without really thinking about its taste at all, and I decided in the store and after I got home, I’m going to try to pack my own stuff and stick to my diet.
I was really aware of myself at Aldi. Physically, I could feel my pupils dilate, my heartbeat quicken and my mouth water as I chose the dill Havarti, the cheese sample plate, hard salami, mixed nuts, dried apricots, devil’s food cookies, pirouettes, crackers, milk chocolate & dark chocolate bars and veggie dip. I picked out strawberries and carrots, too, the only damn things I can eat that I bought. *sigh*
Emotionally, I was aware that I felt cheated, shortchanged, ashamed (that I had no choice but to be conspicuous about eating NONE of it, if I’m to survive on my diet). I felt a little dejected that I’d let myself get so fat that I wouldn’t have a chance to enjoy the day to its fullest. I felt a little panicky as I looked around at the store full of 95% things I shouldn’t eat, and feared I’d capitulate, either buying some crap for myself, or cheating on myself once I got the fat food home. I was kind of mad, too, that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy the day like everyone else, because of my situation, because “society values only thin people,” etc.
…..And you know what? THAT’S A CROCK OF SHIT! Because as I’m typing the above, the Skinny Part of my brain is saying, “Are you for real?! You’re going to predict your enjoyment of your best friend’s bachelorette day, based on whether or not you can eat FAT FOOD with everyone else? Get a GRIP, woman!
“Love yourself, already! Who cares if they can eat it and you can’t! What they put in their mouths is their business, and what you want to put in your mouth (and wear later) is YOUR business! The diet and exercise, is working, WORKING, I tell you! so concentrate on the good TIMES, the good LAUGHTER, the good BONDING, the good STORIES, and even the good FOOD you’re going to pack for yourself, and let THEM enjoy the stuff you provided! Enjoy the fact that THEY’RE going to enjoy it, how about that!?
“It’s not about eating for FUN, it’s about enjoying the PEOPLE you’re with (at this junction, the smartass Fat Part of my brain queries, I’ve never had people, how do they taste?).”
Keep talking, Skinny Part of my brain.
“And another thing, you’ve lost 11 pounds! 11 POUNDS! That’s no small potatoes! You’ve got a lot more to lose, but this is progress! Reward yourself and respect yourself by allowing yourself to keep up the good work! The next goal is 170, and YOU CAN DO IT! Just don’t slow down your metabolism now, and you’ll make it later.”
I love the Skinny Part of my brain. And it loves me, too. …… Awwww.
Here’s what I’m thinking for tomorrow:
Breakfast & mid-morning snack: Same as usual.
Lunch at the club: Got to call Eric and ask him to make me a boneless, skinless chicken breast with NO salt or seasoning whatsoever, no marinade, and just grilled or broiled, no oil. And a baked potato, with salsa on the side (the salsa’s a cheat, it’s loaded with sodium, I’m sure). And a salad with only greens. And a couple of lemons, so I can put it together with sweetener for dressing. Or maybe I’ll ask for balsamic vinegar.
Mid-Afternoon Snack: 1/2 C. sweet potato chips, and 2 oz. shrimp w/ cocktail sauce (my homemade ketchup– and the prepared horseradish is a cheat. I should grow my own. Hmm).
Dinner: Turkey meatloaf with sticky rice and ketchup (it is SO good), and cucumber salad, maybe? Mmmmm.
And, I’ll do another cheat and take Fresca to drink instead of wine.
AND THEN, I’LL SMOKE AN ENTIRE PACK OF CIGARETTES. Since I’m being so healthy and all!
*sigh* I think, once I get down to 170, I’ll probably quite again. As it is, I just took it up again after 35 easy days without, but my ILs just drove me nuts on Mother’s Day Saturday, and smoking really made sense at the time.
People say, “If I just smoked a pack a week, I’d never quit!” but it does affect my wind. I’m better without it.
UPCOMING PITFALLS: I think we’ve adequately covered that area. ‘Nuff said. Except for the praying.
Posted on May 16th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General | No Comments »
‘FAT’ is mostly in my head.
What’s in my head, I mean to say, often has a bearing on my weight (or weight loss).
How fat I am, often depends on what I’ve been thinking. “I’m stressed, let’s eat. I’m happy, let’s eat. I don’t want to hurt the cook’s feelings, I’ll have just a little. I think I’m worthless, now I’m sad, eating ____ will make me feel better. I look horrible, let’s eat. I can’t fit into any cute clothes, might as well pork out more. They want me to eat, I can’t disappoint them. I feel weird about eating different, I’ll try to rein it in but eat the same as everyone else.”
Happily, SKINNY is in my head, too. It’s just been drowned out lately by my screaming fat cells, who constantly whine for more carbs, fat, sugar and dairy.
It’s time to encourage the “SKINNY” in my head.
The SKINNY in my head:
1) Recognizes when others (loved ones, strangers, colleagues, family, friends) consciously or subconsciously attempt to sabotage my weight-loss efforts.
2) Forgives others the sabotage attempts, but graciously (yet firmly) declines to cooperate in the sabotage of self.
3) Reminds me of how much better I’m feeling about myself due to the exercise and good foods, and…
4) Predicts how positively EUPHORIC I’ll probably feel, once I reach my goal weight, but…
5) Cautions me that once I DO reach my goal weight (and I will), that’s only to be considered a side-result of a considerable lifestyle change that’s designed to increase my longevity and quality of life.
6) Reminds me to enjoy the journey, not take shortcuts or detours to the destination.
7) Forgives me when my FAT part of the brain sometimes comes to the forefront, but tells me I need to let the SKINNY part kick the FAT part’s fat ass.
Posted on May 15th, 2008 by nike
Filed under: General, Self Inspiration | 2 Comments »