The quest for happy imperfection…

So, it goes without saying that my time away from the blogs didn’t lead to anything healthy or productive. I could go into the gory details, but I’ll just leave you with the end result- this morning I weighed back in at 208. Ouch. No bueno.

But I’m back. I’m not going to kick myself or anything like that, just pick myself up and go again. It’d be a lie to say that I fell off the wagon- more like jumped off.  It wasn’t so much that I wanted any of the horrible things I ate, but that I didn’t plan anything and so it all just spiraled out of control. Atleast I learned a few things wallowing around in grease.

I really didn’t like the things I ate, and they didn’t make me feel good. I felt like I gained the weight back almost immediately, and I was ten times more tired than usual. I felt like I was eating in auto-pilot, and just shoveling it in like some kind of freak conveyer belt. With a few notable exceptions, (a DELICIOUS brownie sundae and Fire and Ice, part of an early bday celebration with the fam) I didn’t enjoy or derive any pleasure from the foods I ate. Which is just pathetic.

But, I’m starting over with a new mentality. A challenge, if you will. I totally stole the idea from the boards but, here goes:

I am going to challenge myself to do something consistently for 21 days. If I skip a day, I start over at day one until I can get all the way through 21 days of consistency. I will give myself 2 “pause” days per challenge, where I can essentially “take a day off” and start back where I was, but only twice during the 21 day period. So, I’ve settled on 4 challenges for now. I know that may seem a little ambitious, but one of them will be very easy for me, and one relatively so.  Without further ado:

1. 8 glasses of water a day

2. 2000 or fewer net calories per day (my technical goal is 1680, but I tend to cycle, so this gives me some room)

3. 30 minutes of cardio exercise every day

4. NO FAST FOOD

So, that’s it. Just 21 days. One step at a time

In other news- great strides with the Crockpot. Because I only have 20 minutes or so to eat, change, and get out of the house on Wednesday nights, the Crockpot has become my new friend. But, I’m tired of potroast, so I decided to try something new. I’m roasting a chicken… in the crockpot. And, I’m going out on a limb, and cooking some vegetables I’ve never tried- sweet potato, turnip, and parsnip. I love my veggies, but my window is very small. So, here’s to broadening horizons! And, hopefully, 21 days of success!

Score! I made it all day without raiding the pink box. Once again, someone brought a box of doughnuts into work for the office. They sounded sooo good, they even had a crumb donut, my personal fav. And, nothing. I even had to sit next to the damn box for my entire lunch, and managed to walk away without eating one. That, for me, is huge. Technically, I could have easily had one in my calories, but it was about passing up on a food that I didn’t really want. I mean, I wanted it, sweet crumby doughy goodness. But, had it not been there, it wouldn’t have even crossed my mind. In the afternoon I fixated on them like a four year old, but I was committed to going home victorious. I ended up having 2 almond kisses, and that was just right.

I know that I could have fit one into my calories easily. Very easily. And I know that it wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I had one. But I am so desperate to change my way of thinking that I couldn’t give in. Somehow, I just felt that if I could just get through this day without a doughnut, I would be achieving something truly significant. I guess in some ways I did. I’m an impulsive person, and not just with food. I see things, and I want them. I can;t stop thinking about them, and in the end, I cave, and feel dissapointed with my lack of willpower and with the object of my previous desire. I’m trying to get rid of that see it-want it-have it- devour it and end up feeling empty cycle. I like doughnuts, I like baked goods, I like all of these foods. But that doesn’t mean I can’t turn them down. Or at least it shouldn’t. I will have these treats and indulgences, but only because I’ve considered them carefully, decided on what I want and why I want it, and because I will enjoy them in moderation. Doughnuts for no reason are not justifiable cause, but I’m already giving thought to what tasty morsel I’ll enjoy on my birthday, or the slice of pie I’ll have at Apple Hill next week, split with my husband and enjoyed in the company of my mom and sister.  When all is said and done, I would have liked the doughnut, but right now, I like ME, and that’s more important.

The rest of my choices were pretty good, though I overrate at dinner. Unfortunately, having only 30 minutes to eat, change, etc and get out the door is not condusive to a good meal. Even with that, I was under calories by 100ish today. Score.

And- I GOT A BADGE! WOOT! Thedailyplate gave me a badge for logging my foods for 14 days in a row.  I’m stoked. Once again, I’m finding that logging my food is instrumental to any sort of success, and, like a five year old, I am so excited for more badges!

Welps, today was another (stressful) day. Let me just tell you, if JCAHO shows up, I’m calling in dead. That’s all there is to it. Luckily, my choices were pretty good. Breakfast was scrambled eggs and broccoli, lunch was some low sodium minestrone soup, a mini wheat bagel with cream cheese, salad, and grapes. Dinner was some teriyaki salmon, rice, and more broccoli. Unfortunately, some shortbread cookies fought their way into my mouth. No idea how it happened, because clearly it could not have been my hand putting them there.

Well, of course our lovely Delita has inspired me, and I made myself log in all the calories from this last weekend. Wow. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty, and Sunday was 2010 calories over what I should have eaten. Lovely. But, it’s good. No, not the ridiculous amounts of food that I ate. But that I logged it. Normally, I have a day or two where I siginificantly deviate from plan and I quit logging my foods, partially because I don’t want to face reality, and partially because it takes so darned long to log it all! Regardless of why I don’t follow through with it,  it ends up causing a long drawn out empty space of me not logging anything. And if I’ve learned anything through this awkward journey, it’s that I HAVE to log my foods. Literally,for the rest of my life, I will be hanging out with thedailyplate. And so, logging my horrendous deviation was a true turning point. Hopefully.

I also realize that I need to clarify my goals. Currently, my goal is to lose a little over 70 pounds to end up in the 130-140 pound range. Naturally, DH thinks this is a horrible idea. He’s afraid that I’m somehow going to end up emaciated. Ha. But, poor cute dear. In his mind, I haven’t gained any weight since we started dating 5 years ago, when I was at my goal weight. I don’t know if I should think that’s adorable, or fear that he’s totally delusional. Either way, that’s my general target. I also know that my goal weight isn’t set in stone, it may end up higher than that, wherever I end up feeling comfortable and fit. (I can promise you and poor hubs that it will not end up any lower than 130, and most likely more like 135) How did I come up with such a number? Well I was down to 148 when I got married and still had some fat to go. And, I weighed 135-140 in the peak of my soccer career. So I figure it’s still doable on my figure, even with a good amount of muscle. Will I be working out as much as I was then? Probably not, though I would love to. But, my diet is certainly much better than it used to be!

I would love to clarify more… but right now I’m exhausted and preparing tomorrow’s meal has taken the last of what I’ve got. So, goodnight!

Apples, alcohol, and more apples. That was pretty much the gist of my day yesterday. Except that there was probably more alcohol than apples. Went to three wineries and a brewery, had a delicious trip tip sandwich, a spot of cobbler and icecream, and one (only one!) apple doughnut. Had a fabulous time, even though I didn’t walk nearly enough to cancel out my consumption (especially considering that breakfast was a Denver omelette, hashbrowns, and pancakes) but this isn’t a regular occurrence.

Unfortunately, all is not well. I kept waking up with intense stomach pains. Eventually, my hip began to hurt as well. So, I looked down, and, sure enough, monster spider bite on my hip. Black and purple, and HUGE! Probably a raised area of 3 by 5 inches. So, popped some Benedryl and Tylenol and stayed home from work today. It’s no longer purple or black, just small and red. But it HURTS! It feels as if someone stuck a hot poker into the side of my hip and just left it there. Ugh.  If the pain doesn’t start to go down by tomorrow, I’ll go in. For now I know that the reaction is decreasing (I’m exceptionally allergic to spider bites) so I’m good.

Needless to say, today was not good in terms of exercise (nill) or food. I made up a frozen skillet meal early in the day, and unfortunately found myself in the drive thru for dinner. I slept through most of the day- due to not feeling and the Benedryl, so walking Lucy really wasn’t much of an option. I did make it out to the grocery store, and have some good meals planned for the week. Later tonight I’m going to have to cook up my eggs for the week.

So, on a side note, in between bouts of Benedryl induced comas, I’ve been watching reruns of the Alaska Experiment, where groups of people are dropped off into the Alaskan wilderness for 3 months and have to fend for themselves. I’m thinking this should be my new weight loss plan- an Alaskan winter. Live out in a shack where I have to cut all my own firewood, hike in my own water, and hunt or fish my own food.  I can guarantee I would lose weight! It’s funny to watch though- some of these people are just so ridiculous. Of course, I would be so much better at this than all of them Then again, pooping in a hole for three months? No hot bath at the end of a long day? I think I’ll take my chances with a reasonable diet and exercise.

Well, I am officially down 5 pounds! Okay, that’s a lie- I know for a fact that half a pound of that is water (weighed myself first thing in the AM this morning, then again a few hours later when I still hadn’t eaten and lost an additional .5)

Yesterday and today have been good but nowhere even close to on plan! Last night was dinner at Chevy’s, and I didn’t even count the chips. Today was  lunch at the Brewery, where I had a super delicious burger, spinach and artichoke dip, and beer battered fries. But I don’t feel guilty- it’s just food and I’ll be back on plan tomorrow. Alright, that might be a lie. I’m off to Apple Hill tomorrow- a collection of a bunch or orchards, vineyards, etc. as well as all things apple (pie, doughnuts, etc.) I’ll try to behave myself, and I will be doing a lot of walking, but I only get out to Apple Hill once or twice each year, and the season is almost over. I will be buying a bunch of fresh, delicious apples though!

Despite my burger debauchery, today was actually pretty good. An old friend came up today to take photos, and so we drove her around to a bunch of different places (Fallen Leaf Lake, hope valley, the Tallac historic sites, Kiva beach, etc.) So I got in a lot of walking. And, it was great to get around and see Tahoe from a different eye. I think that sometimes I take it for granted. When you drive past the lake every day, it’s hard to really notice the unusually gorgeous blue. Or, hope valley is a little ways out, and so I never take the time to drive out to see the aspens turn colors. (The rest of Tahoe really doesn’t have much of a fall)

Speaking of no fall, it’s already started snowing!!! Craziness. So, needless to say, it has been COLD. I’m loving the little bit of snow (not enough to truly stick yet) but I’m hoping it isn’t the beginning of our winter.

I didn’t get in much traditional exercise, but I did scrub my house for 3 hours. I am sore!! I didn’t plan on exercising, but I did it anyway, and that’s what this thing is really about. I got off plan, but I won’t stay there. Baby steps are still steps!

Today was really not all that great. I weighed in at 205 again, which is good, that I really have lost the pounds, and not just water. But I am bummed that it hasn’t gone down so far this week. Then again, I’ve not been making great choices either, so, y’know, no one to blame but myself, or something like that.

Today was just stressful. You know it’s bad when your first thought in the morning is “only 16 more hours of work and then the weekend.” As a side note, counting 16 hours is not better than counting 2 days. But, I got through it. I’m making progress, and the end is in sight, somewhere.

I’m finally learning that my quality is just as important as my quantity. Technically, I’ve been in calorie range all week, but the quality of my food has been abysmal. Just because I “can” eat McDonalds does not mean that I SHOULD shove my mouth and body full of trans fats, creepy preservatives, and other things that really shouldn’t be considered edible. Today’s choices were piss-poor and scattered. Popcorn, mashed potatoes, and chili do not a dinner make.  There is such a huge difference between last week and this week that it’s crazy. I need to put more efforts into my weekly meal plan, and really stick with it. I find that it’s difficult to start my week off right because I start my week off alone. DH is at work overnight or until 10 Sunday through Tuesday nights. Motivating myself to cook and put effort into just me is tough. But, I need to do it. I love cooking, why am I fighting this so much? I’m also finding that I need eggs in the morning. The protein and veggie combo of scrambled egg whites and broccoli were a perfect start to the morning. Must make a big batch next week.

And the muffins? They’re good, really. But I’m scared of them. No, really. I know that I like them, but I need to get over my mental block of “ahh! Lots of veggies in a baked good!” I think next time I need to add a little more sugar and ease my way in.

But I did have a victory today. Lunchtime?  Bad mood. What I really wanted was to just go through the drive-thru, cheap and easy. Salty and comforty. Technically, I knew that I could fit it into my calories. But it wasn’t about that. It was about reprogramming my thinking. And, I managed. Not once, but twice, because I felt the urge again tonight at dinner.

At the end of the day, I haven’t accomplished much. But, I consider my aversion to fast food a victory, and for today that’s all I needed.

That was a doozy. So today was pretty out of hand at the end.  But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I forgot to weigh in, didn’t get my water in, totally forgot my vitamins, but I got over my fear of applesauce. Applesauce? Yes, applesauce. I had braces and oral surgery as a kid, and so I’ve been relatively scarred by applesauce, jello, etc. But, this morning I tried something new- unsweetened applesauce, cinnamon, plain yogurt, and just a smidgen of granola. Yums!

Lunch, not so good. I went out with a coworker and had fish and chips at one of the best places ever.  It’s right on the Lake, and their fish and chips are divine. So, I didn’t feel bad about having them. Until after I finished them. I just didn’t feel as good as when I eat right. They were tasty, but not truly satisfied. Le sigh.

That’s where things got interesting. JCAHO is coming to do a survey of our hospital (accreditation). They were supposed to come next year, probably the beginning due to the number of sentinel events we’ve had. (read: not so good things, mishaps, etc.) Well now they’re thinking that they’re coming even sooner, perhaps any time. So now the pressure is on. We’ve been backed up in clerical with LOADS of paperwork. Now they want everything done immediately. Without extra help, without overtime, and without falling behind in any of my other duties. Specifically, I need to catch up the insurmountable amount of filing before I leave on Friday. And it needs to be caught up at the end of the day every single Friday. Despite the fact that I have to scan everything before it gets filed, and I don’t always get the documentation on time. So, stress galore!

On to youth group. Got home at 5:10, DH got home 5 mins later. Had to gulp down some chili and head out by 5:30 (really didn’t eat) Junior high was a mess. Sidebar conversations, ridiculous lack of attention, etc. Highschool- wow. No words. Almost. We talked about David and Bathsheba and temptation (lots of diet application! Not being where you’re supposed to be, allowing yourself to linger, justifying, trying to cover up and making it worse, etc.) Everyone was interactive, open, paying attention, and seeming to get a lot out of it all. Then at the end of the lesson- insanity. (For those unfamiliar with the story, David sleeps with a married woman, gets her pregnant, and has her husband killed to cover it all up) Out of this discussion of murder comes the discussion of abortion. Gulp. Alright, we roll with it. And I am shocked. We have a group of kids that come from very rough backgrounds, and we have the most respectful, articulate teenagers I have ever encountered. Our philosophy has always been to give them the background and teach them how to think, not what to think. I was thoroughly impressed with the responses that came out of them- more thought out and better spoken than most adults I know, with plenty of real world and Biblical support on either side. Score. Then, the conversation drifts. This time to homosexuality. What?! Come on now, how many issues do we have to tackle in one night?! But, I am so, so proud of them. I’m just overjoyed that our kids are thinking critically, Biblically, and expressing their thoughts so eloquently. We had people from every side, and all of them were so respectful and compassionate. It makes me feel like out of all the things that go wrong, something somewhere is going right.

But, I’m exhausted physically (getting Lucy Dearest into her bath last night was WWE Smackdown with 60+ pounds of dead weight, we’re going to call that a workout) and emotionally. I hate my job, but I LOVE my kids. I love that I’m loving applesauce and yogurt, I love that I wasn’t satisfied with fish and chips. I love that I feel like I’m finally behind the wheel again.

Today was pretty good. Weighed in at 205, got in an hour fifteen walk with Lucy, drank 8 glasses of water like it was nothing… so far so good. Still haven’t managed to wake up early. I wonder if I just need to put that one on the back burner until I get the exercise bike. I feel like I don’t have a specific commitment for that timeframe, and I know it doesn’t take me that long to get ready, and it’s cold in my house, and we just got a new bed and it’s so comfy and… more excuses? I’m sure I could come up with a few.  But, really, I think I may need to rethink my morning crusade- atleast for now.

I have a whole bunch of home improvement projects going on right now, and normally I use my evenings when DH is on shift to get them done. But the last two nights? Nope. Made muffins last night and dyed my hair. Tonight? Biggest Loser and relaxing on the couch. I’ll probably give Lucy a bath when it’s over though- she’s smelling a big “doggy”. Dying my hair went well- sort of. The color ended up good, really good actually. But it was one of those in the box kist that came with highlights. Welps, it turns out I need someone else to do the highlights for me, I couldn’t get them done fast enough and so some are a little lighter than others. One rogue in particular. Damn hair. But, it’s hair, it grows.

Today was pretty good, until the end. Unfortunately I ended up way low on calories (like 1000 left over when I got to dinner) and then worked out on top of it. I couldn’t figure out anything that sounded good, and so I fell victim to the Donald. But, I only went 68 calories over my normal daily total, not including the 406 I burned in exercise. So, it wasn’t the best choice, but it did fit.

Walked through the meadow on our walk today, I’ve been exploring more and more of our neighborhood lately and I’ve realized exactly how close we are to the meadow. It was GORGEOUS. Thick grass and low bushes, a curving slow stream, peeks of late season wildflowers. There were dozens of birds of every size and shape, all singing their songs. We could have stayed longer (I was with a good friend on top of it) but it was getting close to dusk and I have no desire to experience coyotes up close and personal. I did find an adorable little sandy cove along the stream though, I’m hoping to get back there with a lawnchair and a book at some point.

Anyways… off to scrub the pooch!

Or, why you shouldn’t eat Chinese food before a weigh-in…

This morning’s weight- 205. Three pounds down for the week. Woot!

Well, weekends are the worst but I made it out alive. Here’s the down-low:

Friday: First things first- I made it through the bakery! I walked over to the amazingly delicious artisan bakery next door with a coworker and managed to walk out empty handed. Considering pastries are my biggest weakness, I think we can call that a slam dunk. After that, we had a meeting and teambuilding that took half the day. I didn’t really plan well, but it came out alright. I didn’t eat many calories with breakfast or snacks and so I left a good amount of room for meeting food. (1/2 ciabatta sandwich, bag of chips, cookie. Should have had some of the fruit). For dinner, DH and I headed off the hill and had Chili’s. First victory- passed on the appetizers, even the extra yummy queso dip, and had a side salad instead. Next victory- ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with the honey mustard on the side and broccoli instead of fries. (DH was shocked… I’m a total hussy for fries with ranch dressing!) Also managed to avoid dessert. So, I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, that ended later on when I looked up the calories to find that the sandwich was 840 calories! EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY. D’oh! Guess it goes to show that things that sound healthy aren’t always- it pays to look ahead!

Saturday: Slept in, yay! DH and I took Miss Lucy on an hour long walk, then grabbed some lunch (unfortunately, McDonalds…ugh) and went over to the Homecoming game (some of our kids were playing). We didn’t get much else done, but went out again (AHHH! I’m driving myself crazy with this!) to a salad bar buffet. Unfortunately, I went wayyy over, further proof that buffets are directly from Satan.

Sunday- relatively uneventful, except that we ate out AGAIN- this time at Panda Express, where I unfortunately consumed close to 1000 calories. Bummer. Once again, need to plan these things out better.

Overall, my daily net calorie average for the week was right around 1575. (Under by 105/day)

So, this morning I weighed in at 207. But, I refuse to accept that weight. J I’ve been weighing in at 205.5 every other day, and I only went over by 150 calories yesterday, so I know it’s just water weight from the quasi Chinese food. So, I’ll use tomorrow’s weight instead.

Got back on track today.  I didn’t manage to get all my meals packed for today, but I still managed to stay on track. Didn’t get up early, but got in my water and a good walk for Lucy. I’ve slowly been expanding our walk time, and tonight came in at 30 minutes. (Would have been longer but said water began to torture my bladder). Managed to bake another batch of muffins, added pumpkin, more zucchini, and shredded carrots to last week’s recipe while cutting out some sugar. Final result? 66 calories, 2.6 grams fiber, and 3.84 grams protein. (Recipe to follow). So far. So good.

This week’s goals:

1. Get up 15 minutes early. It’s a repeat, but I really need to get this one to stick.
2. Take a daily multi. They may make your pee bright yellow, but they are good for you!
3. Have a serving of vegetables with each meal.
4. Stretch for 5 minutes each day.
5. Up Lucy’s walks to 30 minutes each day.