I won’t post my weight from this morning… oohhh, it was bad. Up 3 pounds from Saturday (when I weighed fully clothed in the afternoon with a full belly). But, I had Chinese food last night, so my body is assuredly hanging on to sodium and MSG galore in a last ditch effort to trap me in fat pants.  Onwards and upwards!

So, tomorrow is climbing back on. Three new 21 day challenges- 45 minutes cardio, 15 minutes strength, and 8 glasses of water daily. Two 50 day challenges- no fast food and daily tracking of calories.  Plus, I’m starting C25K Tuesday, and will be running my first race on March 22nd. Booyah.

But, because I have nothing positive to comment on fromt he last few days… I’ll close with that. Viva la REM cycle!

Yesterday and today have been good. I made all my breakfasts and three days worth of lunches on Sunday. So, eating has been nice and easy so far this week. This weekend, we went to Costco and I got a whole bunch of salad, a whole bunch of broccoli, 2 pounds of strawberries, and the best honeydew I’ve ever had. Snacks have been awesome, and I’m finding that a fully prepared day makes me feel much more in control. I don’t have to think about it, and I’m really enjoying the fresh flavors.

I’ve also made it to the gym the last two nights, and I am SORE! I think I’ve figured out that while the bike pushes my cardio, and I can feel it really shaping my body, I don’t think it’s really helping me to drop weight, per say. Maybe it’s because I’m building more muscle, or it just works my body differently. Either way, I’m making sure to mix up my cardio this week.

I also started somethign new this week. Last night I lifted weights for the first time in months. It was a huge victory for me. I love lifting weights. I love feeling strong, I love seeing progress so quickly. But, right now, I hate it. The gym is covered in the massive, floor to ceiling windows. And every time I’m over there, I feel massive. I notice every bulge, my complete and total lack of a waist, and the extra chins I’ve started carrying around in case I need a spare. And, I just can’t take it. I can’t stand to see myself, standing there in the middle of a bunch of equipment looking about as out of place as a redneck at the Opera.  But last night, I did it. I stared fat me in the mirror and told her that if she waited to do it until she felt like she belonged, she never would belong. I’ll be honest- I felt huge, and massively unattractive, and my “wow this is heavy” contorted face didn’t make anything better. But, I did it. I sucked it up and suffered through my reps. Part of me felt like people were looking at me, like the guys I was surrounded by were looking at me and wondering what the big girl was doing in their turf. But you know what, who cares? I’m an awesome person that can’t be defined by my weight. And, my husband thinks I’m friggin’ sexy (and if he were here he’d offer to prove it). Or Barbie over there sweating with her three pound dumbells and leg warmers is looking at me with that sidewise glance and thinking “thank God that isn’t me.” Well, fine. Thank God I am me because I can lift 3 pounds with my pinkie, and, my boobs are real. This isn’t about what anyone thinks of me, they don’t even know me! But it is about what I think of me.  I need to quit seeing myself as Shamu. Because I’m not. First of all, I’m nowhere near that good of a swimmer. And, I don’t like eating krill. But, seriously, I need to quit letting my perception of me as a fat girl get in the way. Because if I continue to dwell on being a big girl, I’ll always be one.

Soapbox/introspection moment aside… I’m starting to feel changes. I can feel strong muscles in my thighs, and my hamstrings are tightening up. My abs feel a little leaner, and I’m starting to feel some tricep definition in my arms. Yeah, there’s still a layer of fat over it all but that’s getiing smaller. And that’s all that matters.

On Thursday- I had an english muffin with a little bit of butter and jam for breakfast, and went out to an Italian place for lunch. Wanted fettucine alfredo- had the spaghetti and meatball. It was gross. The meatball was the texture of sponge cake… eew. So, I barely touched it. Did have the salad bar though, and had some pasta salad. Dinner was some sweet and sour shrimp from trader joes and a few chicken potstickers. Did put away a bag of popcorn before dinner… and had a couple mini nilla wafers.

Yesterday- Took the day off work and went into Carson- ate ate Chilis. Ate only half my sandwich and 1/3 my fries, but had the queso dip and dove face first into the chips. D’oh! Dinner was a hodge podge: baguette slices and artichoke dip, ravioli with alfredo, and some cheap-o blackberry wine (I admit it- I either like really expensive wine or the cheapo hillbilly stuff) Total came out 400 over my limit, but we shopped for a couple hours, including an hour at Costco with an 80 pound cart.

Still managed to ride my bike both days for 30 minutes. Thursday was great, actually made it to resistance 3 (normally I’m on one). Last night, I’ll admit it, I kind of dogged it. But, I did it. I’m determined not to weigh myself today, because I just don’t want to know. I weighed in at 203 earlier this week, then at 204.5 for the two days after. Yesterday I weighed in at 203.5. I’m not certain if it was that I never really hit 203, that I hit it and gained it back, or if TOM is still messing with me. Looking at my food and exercise, I should have been continuing to lose weight… so I don’t know. I just know that I had dinner late last night, and had salt and alcohol. So this morning’s weight, wouldn’t be good. I’ll still probably step on out of habit though… bad me!

Anyways, the rest of the day is pretty laid back. Hoping to take Lucy for a hike, maybe hit the gym. Heading over to the ski swap- here’s hoping for a good deal! And, cleaning house.

I’m admittedly feeeling pretty down about my weight. But, I need to focus on my new habits. I AM doing this, and eventually my body will fall in line.

So a quick recap:

Sunday- good and not so good. Grabbed an english muffin for breakfast, we were on the road to visit friends, and it would have been so easy and excusable to gran an egg mcnasty, but didn’t. Went out for lunch- ate half my lunch and packed the rest up. Dinner… well, things kind of fell apart. Went through the drive thru at 11. So, I used my first fats food pause day. Damn. But at that point, we’d been gone all day, I hadn’t eaten, and was actually feeling faint. Got home too late to exercise, so I’m treading water without any pause days left. But, I did manage to eek out with only 150 calories over my limit.

Monday: Had way too much cleaning to do. Only managed half an hour on the bike. But, got my grocery shopping done (yay!) and planned some good meals for the week.

Tuesday: Totally on plan. Sweet! And, TWO HOURS on the bike. Which has, of course, left me feeling as if someone punched me in the butt repeatedly for two hours straight. A friend came out and we were going to go to the gym together, but it was closed. Bummer. So we did a little shopping and then I rode while watching Biggest Loser. And, as a side note, can I say that I am SO HAPPY that Brady went home? Now, if we can get his evil wife off next week the show might be good again!

So, overall, muy bueno. And, to top it off, I weighed in at 203 yesterday! So close to onederland I can taste it. Part of me hopes I can somehow hit it on my bday, but that’s a little far fetched. It should be soon though. Can’t wait!

Yesterday was really good. Went to Subway for lunch and had a roast beef sandwich instead of the pastrami I thought I wanted, even though I did have chips.  For dinner, we went out with some friends to one of my favorite restaurants- The Brewery. Normally, I chow on their burger (so good) or the best darned BBQ beef sandwich you’ve ever had. Both fo which come with fabulous beer battered fries. And speaking of beer- their brews are fantastic. But, I had chicken kabobs with grilled pineapple and wild rice pilaf with a side salad. Yeah, that’s how I’m defining success for today. Unfortunately, I had to use a pause day for exercise because I didn’t get back in time to make it to the gym but, you win some, you lose some.

Today was also really good. Got in a nice walk with DH and Lucy, and headed to a salad bar place for lunch. Managed to have a good salad, only half of my clam chowder, only one roll, and a bunch of fresh fruit. Yum! I did sneak in a little pizza, but we’re talking like 2 bites.

Then, we went into town for shopping- checked out Costco and decided we will get a membership. They had FABULOUS and cheap produce, and great pet food. Really, really good quality. (Odd fact- I have a huge passion for pet nutrition so if you ever need a source for borderline useless information, here I am!) I was actually quite pleased, they have food there that is cheaper than what I’mm feeding now, and just as good in quality, if not better. Headed over to Walmart and found my exercise bike (yay!) so now I don’t have any excuse for pause days. Also, wandered into Qdoba (burrito place like Chipotle) for dinner. Yes, I had some chips and queso. But, I stopped halfway through my burrito because I was full. Imagine that, stopping before I feel uncomfortably full. Hmm.

So, basically, I’m rocking this. And starting a habit!

Started off my morning with a bit of a different breakfast- half of a whole wheat english muffin with an egg and half a slice of cheese. Yum. Why in the world don’t I eat that more often? Super tasty. Snacked on my usual- crackers and tuna. Lunch was leftovers from last night- sadly, one of those frozen skillet meals. (I’m sad to say I’ve been living off of them for the last few days or so)

Then, something miraculous happened. I wanted something sweet after lunch. I went by Grocery Outlet to pick up some stuff for dinner (veggies and salad that I forgot in the fridge at work, sigh) and walked out with only veggies and salad. Now, this place is chock full of all sorts of tasty processed foods. (I know, tasty and processed don’t belong in the same sentence, but I’m not there yet) Then, went by Raley’s to deposit a check (my bank’s in there) and walked out with… AN APPLE! And, it was perfect. Just what I needed. WOW. The fact that I, queen of all things saturated, sweetened, and disgusting, chose and enjoyed an apple shows  loads of progress on my part.

After youth, I kicked some kids out of my slowly moving car on my way to the gym and eeked in 40 minutes. I tried out this new machine…. horrible. It’s like the bastard stepchild of an elliptical and a stariclimber. And it hurt! But, I worked up a good sweat I did only make it 25 minutes though, at that point my knees began to hurt and I switched over to the regular elliptical.

But, three cheers! It’s been three days that I have stuck to a routine solidly. Here’s to many more!

Then, for an added dose of lost sanity, I had an all nighter with the youth group Friday night. Up for 28 hours straight, that’s healthy! But, the kids had a good time, and I’ve been sleeping on and off ever since.

So, long story short, I didn’t stick with my goals this week. In all fairness, I knew it was probably going to fail, we had A LOT on our plates this week. But, I don’t want to be one of those people who has to wait for everything to be just perfect. So tomorrow is back to the grind. But I have reevaluated some of my goals. In hindsight, 1800 calories a day or under every day is a little unreasonable, considering that’s only 150 over my everyday goal, and things do even out. So I’ve reevaluated my goals, and brought in reinforcements. I suckered my sister into joining me.. something about misery loving company. And, we have upped the ante. We’re competing against eachother to see who can exercise the most in a given month, loser puts 20 into the pot. We don’t know what we’ll use the money for just yet, but I’m voting towards a trip. Regardless, a little healthy competition is always good.

So, my 21 day plan:

1. NO FAST FOOD. Really.

2. Track my calories every day.

3. 30 minutes cardio exercise

4. 8 glasses of water a day.

Next weekend, I’m getting an exercise bike. I’m pretty excited, and I think it’s just what I need. I keep trying to get myself to the gym everyday and it isn’t happening. Plus, Wednesdays leave me with little to no options- I’m not a morning person, there’s no tim eto go before youth group, and we get home too late to get to the gym. And, living some place with no street lights or sidewalks certainly doesn’t help. So, now I figure I can get one free tv hour a night and the rest is on the bike.  And hopefully I can start slowly waking up for 5 or ten minutes here and there until I can work up to a full wokrout each AM.

Tomorrow, I’ll weigh myself and measure. Here’s hoping these 21 days lead to some big losses. And not the twenty dollar loss from not exercising the most!

The rest of the day was, well, good and bad. Then of course, the horrible- weighed in this morning at 209.5. What the?!?!? Stupid water. Why can’t water be weightless? But, chugging along… had a smart ones microwaveable breakfast sandwich for breakfast. Super tasty? No, but passable and not terrible. Unfortunately, didn’t plan out lunch well and ended up with Subway, caved to the chips but stuck to my guns and got a roast beef sandwich instead of my super tasty Italian BMT.

As for the crockpot adventure… good and bad. Bad: I forgot to plug it in this morning, overcooked the veggies. Good: was actually pretty tasty, chicken was super moist, and I learned that I actually like sweet potatoes, turnips, and parsnips. (Just not when they’re mushy and squishy like my midsection) So, here’s what I did- sliced up a medly of winter vegetables. Mixed thyme, oregano, savory, poultry seasoning, rosemary, and marjoram. Rubbed the spice mixture and some minced garlic under the chicken’s skin. Placed chicken on top of veggies, added in about ½ inch of chicken stock. Now, I should have done the chicken for 6-8 hrs  on low.  Instead, I did it on high for about 3 to 3.5 hours. After it was done, I broiled it in the oven for a few minutes to crisp up the skin. The veggies were over done though, so next time I won’t put them in for as long. Maybe half the time.  But, the chicken was uber flavorful, and very moist. So, highly recommended in that regard.

Things did fall apart after youth group though. Burrito. Ugh. No bueno.

Haven’t updated my calories for the day yet and my connection is wonky tonight, so calorie count will have to wait. But for the other challenges:

8 glasses of water: day 2, 2 pauses left.

30 mins cardio: Day 1, 1 pause left

1800 calories or fewer: Day… pending results…

No fast food: Day 1, 1 pause left.

So far, well, um, there’s room for improvement!

Update:

Calories for yesterday came in at 1945. Ouch. So, 1800 or fewer calorie challenge: Day 1, 1 pause left.

Suck.