The quest for happy imperfection…

 Well, about me? Hmm.  I’m 22, I live in South Lake Tahoe, and I got married the summer of ‘06. I work for the local hospital while pushing my way to get though nursing school. I have a BA in English, which is great if you want to teach or bag groceries. So, back to school it is.

According to the BMI scale, I am starting this journey in the barely obese category. Barely or not, it’s not a designation that I’m proud of. I’ve struggled with my weight for a good portion of my life. In grade school, I wasn’t just a chubby kid, I was “the fat kid”. You know, the one that everyone singled out as fat? By the time I hit junior high, I had grown into my weight, and sprouted up 6 inches. Even then, I was never “skinny”. I was fit, I was in shape, but never quite skinny. This continued on through highschool, where, looking back, I should have rejoiced in my size and my fitness level, instead of constantly fretting over every pound or the fact that I would never be a size 4. Instead, I should have paid attention to the fact that I could outsprint every girl on my soccer team, or squat my own weight. Maybe I should have listened to my guy friends, who told me that they loved my belly, because it was soft and made me feminine. At the very least, I should have seen that as a compliment, not a reason to rush into countless crunches.

When I went away to college, I was finally “skinny”, though not intentionally. At the time (from 5th grade until my second year in college) I was a vegetarian, and my college was less than accomodating. I lost 21 pounds in my first month of college, until I learned how to up my protein and calorie intake outside the caf. My second year in college, I added white meat back in and began to put some additional pounds on. I was working out, but using that as an excuse to eat anything I wanted. (It probably didn’t help that I was working at a pizza/burger joint. )

That was the year I also suffered a rather devastating back injury. I took a slip and fall at work (I know, I wish it was a more interesting story too) and was put on bed rest for two weeks. It got better, but never completely. MRIs were done, CT scans were done, Xrays, you name it. Bad news. I had known that I had scoliosis since I was in jr. high and they made you do that embarassing bend over topless while they touched your spine test. I had even known that I had pretty bad scoliosis a couple degrees away from operation status. (To give you a bit of an idea, I’m currently 5′7.5″. If they straightened my spine, I would be 5′11″) Well, I had previoulsy been blissfully unaware of the complications of my scoliosis. I mean, I had experienced back pain, etc. , but never knew it meant anything. It did. I have a bulging, dessicating (shrinking from the inside) disc at the lumbar-sacral junction in my back, bone spurring (where the bones grows bony projections from rubbing against eachother) and moderate spinal stenosis (where the foramen the nerves pass through begins to close in around the nerve.) The way the MD explained it is that they would normally see this kind of degeneration in the spine of a 50 year old athlete who had suffered multiple spinal injuries. In the average person, they would see this kind of degeneration around age 80, if they every saw it at all. Gulp. So, when people say that I’m older than my years, they’re talking about my spine

The recovery process was long, and I still experience pain much faster than most people. They told me that surgery was 5-7 years off, and that was three years ago. Now, I don’t feel any closer to surgery today then I did then. I finally stopped following up with a doctor on my back. I know, I know. I should see and MD. But, here’s the thing, every time I went in we focused on how bad my back was and what surgery would be like and what I could do to delay surgery. I’m not supposed to run, or snowboard, or ice-skate, or do anything that has a risk of falling (I guess living in Tahoe in the land of ice is probably out too) No impact aerobics, be careful doing anything strenuous, no sky-diving (jumping out of a perfectly good plane was not my idea of a good time anyway) no bungee jumping (likewise, jumping off something tall connected to a rubberband) be careful lifting more than a few pounds, etc. My list of things I wasn’t supposed to do became longer than the list of things I was allowed to do. I was relegated to water aerobics at the senior center. But even worse, I was paralyzed with fear. My back began to take over my life. I focused on my restrictions and became totally afraid of doing anything new. In this timeframe, I went up to about 165 pounds.

I also got engaged that summer and decided I didn’t want to get married at 165 pounds. So, I started the South Beach diet and started going back to the gym religiously. I got down to 148 and got a lot stronger. But the, life rolls along. The summer of 2006, I graduated college, got married, and moved to Sacramento. 6 months later, we moved to Tahoe.  Since we got married, I have put on just shy of 50 pounds. During this time, I’ve tried to eat right, or tried to exercise, and not really succeeded.  I lost my previosu lifestyle and its healthy benefits.

Some people wonder why it is that I’m going to succeed now, when I’ve failed before. the answer is that my attitude about all of this has changed.  I’m no longer trying to lose weight, or fit into a certain size pants. I’m trying to change my life to enjoy the wonderful environment around me. I don’t want to be a slave to food anymore, to be held hostage by my desire for the things that will eventually smother me.  I’m not looking at this as eliminating anything from my life, but as adding wonderful experiences, flavors, and activities. I finally decided to stop living in fear of my back. I realized that I wasn’t being told “if you don’t do this, you won’t have surgery” but “if you don’t do this, surgery is farther off” Well, that’s not enough of a deterrent for me anymore. I’m going to try running. I’m going to be smart about it and choose my trails wisely, but, gosh darn it, I want to experience something new. I’m not going to dwell on all the things I can’t do. Instead, I’m opening my eyes and mind to all the possibilities that are before me. I’m going to rock-climb. I’m going to run a sprint distance triathalon. I’m going to hike the Tahoe Rim Trail. I’m going to try new foods. I’m going to love cooking like I’ve got my own Food Network show. Gosh darnit, this is only the beginning of a new life full of food, fun, laughter, and adventure.