The quest for happy imperfection…

So… how’d I do? Not too shabby for being flabby. That’s how.  Let’s recap.

First goal of the day- failure. I woke up 15 minutes early, swung my legs out of bed, then swung them right back in. I managed to acquire a very nasty sunburn this weekend, and I knew that working out just wasn’t going to happen. (I’m game for tomorrow though.) I must say though, I find it absolutely hilarious that I went the entire summer in Tahoe without a sunburn to speak of, and totally fried myself in San Francisco at the end of September. Just goes to show, even if you don’t think you’re going to be outdoors for long, lay it on thick!

Food was GREAT. I planned everything out, packed extra snacks just in case, and even made myself eat breakfast. I made some zucchini bran muffins last night and I’m proud to report that they were actually really good, and only 60 calories a piece at that! Initially, they terrified me. They looked very healthy and smelled branny. But, I sucked it up and yum! Way more moist than any bran muffin I’ve ever had. Though, next time I’ll sub canned pumpkin for applesauce and add some nuts to up the fiber and protein.  Maybe some shredded carrots too.

I’m one glass away from my water goal, I tracked everything on the daily plate, and Lucy and I had a lovely little spin after work. So far, so good.

In other news, my lamps came in today! Yes! A couple weekends ago, DH and I switched our bedroom from the front room to the back. We got a new mattress (went from a double to a Cal King), changed up our sheets, got a TV, etc. So on Saturday the bed frame finally came in (three cheers for no longer having our mattress and boxsprings on the floor… bad college flashbacks!) Got that assembled and wow, does it look good. It’s the perfect height to go with the velvet bed skirt I got for 2.99 (have I mentioned that I have a knack for bargains?) So, as soon as I get our nightstands this Thursday we’ll be this much closer to being done. (Still need a tv armoire, and someday, when I make up my mind, a headboard)

It’s amazing to me what a change it’s made. Not just in the room, but it seems like the whole thing has made a difference in me. We went through our closets, and I finally threw out all the clothes that don’t fit (save for a few sentimental pieces). It’s like I’ve let go of what used to be, and I’m moving forwards. I feel like this time I’m starting things fresh, without the baggage of failure or expectations. Yeah, I expect to lose weight and be smaller. But it’s no longer tied to the same idea of going back to what I used to look like. Do I hope to be that size or smaller? Yeah. But I’m not that person anymore, I need to enjoy the Jessica I am, instead of mourning the Jessica I used to be. There’s nothing about my current place in life to be depressed about, or to consider shameful or regrettable.  I’m starting a truly new life, and I’m creating the new environment to match.

So, today’s recap. Weighed in at 208.5 (surprisingly, wasn’t upset or affected by the number) Stuck with 4 out of my 5 goals. 1354 calories (dailyplate gives me 1682)

Excited about: my zucchini bran muffins (recipe to follow shortly), making my own sushi, my new lunchbox, sexy lamps. Nervous about: for once, nothing.

Alright, so maybe I’m not really starting small, or I wouldn’t be here at all. But, I am going to start tackling the beastly number on the scale one step at a time. In my head I have a list of a million things that I should do to lose weight. In reality, I’m never going to succeed if I try to take on the whole mountain at once. SO, for this week, easy goals.

1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Keep me hydrated and burning calories! Between that much water and the fountain next to my desk, I figure I’ll be making enough pee breaks to burn atleast 100 calories.

2. Make and stick to a meal plan.  And “I’ll figure it out when I get there” doesn’t count as a plan.

3. Wake up 15 minutes earlier and do a floor workout. ( My evil secret plan is to continue to slowly wake up earlier and earlier until I’m waking up early enough to get in a full workout. But, I’m trying to trick myself into it so shh, don’t tell me.)

4. Track my calories in the daily plate.

5. Walk Lucy for atleast 20 minutes each day.

So, that’s it. 5 goals this week.  Relatively easy, concrete, and totally measurable.

Anyways, there’s much more to say, but I have a bed frame to assemble. (I’ve gotten tired of the borderline homeless feeling of a mattress on the floor)

So, it’s been awhile. (How come all of my most recent posts start in this vein? Recent is all relative but still).

There have been some ups and downs, but mostly just a flatline. I realize that I am now three quarters through a year that I thought would be a new beginning, with really no change from when this journey started. Well, there is change, but definitely not in the direction I was hoping for.  I currently weigh in at 208. I started this journey at 192ish. So, a net gain of 16 pounds.  But, I have learned some good, if not painful, lessons from this.

I have to do it. I can plan and create star charts and blog and buy healthy cookbooks and fill my closet with useless at home exercise equipment but in the end none of it matters if I don’t do the work myself.  What it comes down to is that I’m someone who knows exactly what to do and how to do it, but doesn’t. When it matters, I’m sleeping in for “five more minutes” or indulging “just this once”. I need to quit planning, stop thinking, and just start doing. It sounds so simple, and yet it has struck me as a rather profound revelation in just the past week or so. So let me echo the classic Nike catchphrase- JUST DO IT.

I need to stop punishing myself. Hating myself and counting stretchmarks does not make me want to get on the treadmill. Poking at cellulite is really more like poking at my fragile self confidence and slowly demolishing it with a mere fingernail. I cannot continue to hide from pictures and friends and family because I’m too insecure about my weight. I can’t pretend that my life will only be worth living when I lose “the weight.” I need to stop focusing on rolls and muffintops, focusing on my flaws only keeps me out of the gym and away from the embarrassingly large mirrors. I need to stop looking at exercise as punishment- squats and bicep curls are not reparations to be made for an increased pant size. Hating myself has only lead to destructive behavior and crippled confidence.

I love exercise. I do, really. I love the feeling of being sore after a workout. Or sweating. Or the feeling of accomplishment that I get. I love trail running and scenery.  I love increasing what I can lift. I love the kick ass feeling I get from high incline intervals and a rocking playlist. But, somehow I sit on my couch and convince myself that I don’t enjoy any of these things and really, I’d be completely satisfied watching tv and giving in to my late night Taco Hell cravings.        The sad truth is that I love the gym, I would live there if I could. But currently, I’m so out of shape that I get winded walking Lucy. Working out isn’t fun anymore because I can’t do any of the things that I want to do or that I used to do.  I need to remember how much I enjoy being active and push through the pain and discomfort to get back there.  

“Bad” foods really are just that- bad. I don’t love Taco bell or greasy burgers. Most of the foods that aren’t good for me really aren’t that satisfying, or at least not in the large quantities I seem to eat them in.  I need to stop the “I’ve already sinned, let’s make it count!” mentality that has me eating  far more food than I’m even hungry for. 

Really, this whole experience is a journey, with highs and lows. Its calories in, calories out. Trying new foods and staying active.  Staying motivated and yet realizing that its about more than motivation.

But what it comes down to is that I’m at the end of the diving board. The pool is warm, everyone’s having fun, and I just need to get up the courage to jump.