The quest for happy imperfection…

Welps, today was another (stressful) day. Let me just tell you, if JCAHO shows up, I’m calling in dead. That’s all there is to it. Luckily, my choices were pretty good. Breakfast was scrambled eggs and broccoli, lunch was some low sodium minestrone soup, a mini wheat bagel with cream cheese, salad, and grapes. Dinner was some teriyaki salmon, rice, and more broccoli. Unfortunately, some shortbread cookies fought their way into my mouth. No idea how it happened, because clearly it could not have been my hand putting them there.

Well, of course our lovely Delita has inspired me, and I made myself log in all the calories from this last weekend. Wow. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty, and Sunday was 2010 calories over what I should have eaten. Lovely. But, it’s good. No, not the ridiculous amounts of food that I ate. But that I logged it. Normally, I have a day or two where I siginificantly deviate from plan and I quit logging my foods, partially because I don’t want to face reality, and partially because it takes so darned long to log it all! Regardless of why I don’t follow through with it,  it ends up causing a long drawn out empty space of me not logging anything. And if I’ve learned anything through this awkward journey, it’s that I HAVE to log my foods. Literally,for the rest of my life, I will be hanging out with thedailyplate. And so, logging my horrendous deviation was a true turning point. Hopefully.

I also realize that I need to clarify my goals. Currently, my goal is to lose a little over 70 pounds to end up in the 130-140 pound range. Naturally, DH thinks this is a horrible idea. He’s afraid that I’m somehow going to end up emaciated. Ha. But, poor cute dear. In his mind, I haven’t gained any weight since we started dating 5 years ago, when I was at my goal weight. I don’t know if I should think that’s adorable, or fear that he’s totally delusional. Either way, that’s my general target. I also know that my goal weight isn’t set in stone, it may end up higher than that, wherever I end up feeling comfortable and fit. (I can promise you and poor hubs that it will not end up any lower than 130, and most likely more like 135) How did I come up with such a number? Well I was down to 148 when I got married and still had some fat to go. And, I weighed 135-140 in the peak of my soccer career. So I figure it’s still doable on my figure, even with a good amount of muscle. Will I be working out as much as I was then? Probably not, though I would love to. But, my diet is certainly much better than it used to be!

I would love to clarify more… but right now I’m exhausted and preparing tomorrow’s meal has taken the last of what I’ve got. So, goodnight!

Apples, alcohol, and more apples. That was pretty much the gist of my day yesterday. Except that there was probably more alcohol than apples. Went to three wineries and a brewery, had a delicious trip tip sandwich, a spot of cobbler and icecream, and one (only one!) apple doughnut. Had a fabulous time, even though I didn’t walk nearly enough to cancel out my consumption (especially considering that breakfast was a Denver omelette, hashbrowns, and pancakes) but this isn’t a regular occurrence.

Unfortunately, all is not well. I kept waking up with intense stomach pains. Eventually, my hip began to hurt as well. So, I looked down, and, sure enough, monster spider bite on my hip. Black and purple, and HUGE! Probably a raised area of 3 by 5 inches. So, popped some Benedryl and Tylenol and stayed home from work today. It’s no longer purple or black, just small and red. But it HURTS! It feels as if someone stuck a hot poker into the side of my hip and just left it there. Ugh.  If the pain doesn’t start to go down by tomorrow, I’ll go in. For now I know that the reaction is decreasing (I’m exceptionally allergic to spider bites) so I’m good.

Needless to say, today was not good in terms of exercise (nill) or food. I made up a frozen skillet meal early in the day, and unfortunately found myself in the drive thru for dinner. I slept through most of the day- due to not feeling and the Benedryl, so walking Lucy really wasn’t much of an option. I did make it out to the grocery store, and have some good meals planned for the week. Later tonight I’m going to have to cook up my eggs for the week.

So, on a side note, in between bouts of Benedryl induced comas, I’ve been watching reruns of the Alaska Experiment, where groups of people are dropped off into the Alaskan wilderness for 3 months and have to fend for themselves. I’m thinking this should be my new weight loss plan- an Alaskan winter. Live out in a shack where I have to cut all my own firewood, hike in my own water, and hunt or fish my own food.  I can guarantee I would lose weight! It’s funny to watch though- some of these people are just so ridiculous. Of course, I would be so much better at this than all of them Then again, pooping in a hole for three months? No hot bath at the end of a long day? I think I’ll take my chances with a reasonable diet and exercise.

Well, I am officially down 5 pounds! Okay, that’s a lie- I know for a fact that half a pound of that is water (weighed myself first thing in the AM this morning, then again a few hours later when I still hadn’t eaten and lost an additional .5)

Yesterday and today have been good but nowhere even close to on plan! Last night was dinner at Chevy’s, and I didn’t even count the chips. Today was  lunch at the Brewery, where I had a super delicious burger, spinach and artichoke dip, and beer battered fries. But I don’t feel guilty- it’s just food and I’ll be back on plan tomorrow. Alright, that might be a lie. I’m off to Apple Hill tomorrow- a collection of a bunch or orchards, vineyards, etc. as well as all things apple (pie, doughnuts, etc.) I’ll try to behave myself, and I will be doing a lot of walking, but I only get out to Apple Hill once or twice each year, and the season is almost over. I will be buying a bunch of fresh, delicious apples though!

Despite my burger debauchery, today was actually pretty good. An old friend came up today to take photos, and so we drove her around to a bunch of different places (Fallen Leaf Lake, hope valley, the Tallac historic sites, Kiva beach, etc.) So I got in a lot of walking. And, it was great to get around and see Tahoe from a different eye. I think that sometimes I take it for granted. When you drive past the lake every day, it’s hard to really notice the unusually gorgeous blue. Or, hope valley is a little ways out, and so I never take the time to drive out to see the aspens turn colors. (The rest of Tahoe really doesn’t have much of a fall)

Speaking of no fall, it’s already started snowing!!! Craziness. So, needless to say, it has been COLD. I’m loving the little bit of snow (not enough to truly stick yet) but I’m hoping it isn’t the beginning of our winter.

I didn’t get in much traditional exercise, but I did scrub my house for 3 hours. I am sore!! I didn’t plan on exercising, but I did it anyway, and that’s what this thing is really about. I got off plan, but I won’t stay there. Baby steps are still steps!

Today was really not all that great. I weighed in at 205 again, which is good, that I really have lost the pounds, and not just water. But I am bummed that it hasn’t gone down so far this week. Then again, I’ve not been making great choices either, so, y’know, no one to blame but myself, or something like that.

Today was just stressful. You know it’s bad when your first thought in the morning is “only 16 more hours of work and then the weekend.” As a side note, counting 16 hours is not better than counting 2 days. But, I got through it. I’m making progress, and the end is in sight, somewhere.

I’m finally learning that my quality is just as important as my quantity. Technically, I’ve been in calorie range all week, but the quality of my food has been abysmal. Just because I “can” eat McDonalds does not mean that I SHOULD shove my mouth and body full of trans fats, creepy preservatives, and other things that really shouldn’t be considered edible. Today’s choices were piss-poor and scattered. Popcorn, mashed potatoes, and chili do not a dinner make.  There is such a huge difference between last week and this week that it’s crazy. I need to put more efforts into my weekly meal plan, and really stick with it. I find that it’s difficult to start my week off right because I start my week off alone. DH is at work overnight or until 10 Sunday through Tuesday nights. Motivating myself to cook and put effort into just me is tough. But, I need to do it. I love cooking, why am I fighting this so much? I’m also finding that I need eggs in the morning. The protein and veggie combo of scrambled egg whites and broccoli were a perfect start to the morning. Must make a big batch next week.

And the muffins? They’re good, really. But I’m scared of them. No, really. I know that I like them, but I need to get over my mental block of “ahh! Lots of veggies in a baked good!” I think next time I need to add a little more sugar and ease my way in.

But I did have a victory today. Lunchtime?  Bad mood. What I really wanted was to just go through the drive-thru, cheap and easy. Salty and comforty. Technically, I knew that I could fit it into my calories. But it wasn’t about that. It was about reprogramming my thinking. And, I managed. Not once, but twice, because I felt the urge again tonight at dinner.

At the end of the day, I haven’t accomplished much. But, I consider my aversion to fast food a victory, and for today that’s all I needed.

That was a doozy. So today was pretty out of hand at the end.  But let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I forgot to weigh in, didn’t get my water in, totally forgot my vitamins, but I got over my fear of applesauce. Applesauce? Yes, applesauce. I had braces and oral surgery as a kid, and so I’ve been relatively scarred by applesauce, jello, etc. But, this morning I tried something new- unsweetened applesauce, cinnamon, plain yogurt, and just a smidgen of granola. Yums!

Lunch, not so good. I went out with a coworker and had fish and chips at one of the best places ever.  It’s right on the Lake, and their fish and chips are divine. So, I didn’t feel bad about having them. Until after I finished them. I just didn’t feel as good as when I eat right. They were tasty, but not truly satisfied. Le sigh.

That’s where things got interesting. JCAHO is coming to do a survey of our hospital (accreditation). They were supposed to come next year, probably the beginning due to the number of sentinel events we’ve had. (read: not so good things, mishaps, etc.) Well now they’re thinking that they’re coming even sooner, perhaps any time. So now the pressure is on. We’ve been backed up in clerical with LOADS of paperwork. Now they want everything done immediately. Without extra help, without overtime, and without falling behind in any of my other duties. Specifically, I need to catch up the insurmountable amount of filing before I leave on Friday. And it needs to be caught up at the end of the day every single Friday. Despite the fact that I have to scan everything before it gets filed, and I don’t always get the documentation on time. So, stress galore!

On to youth group. Got home at 5:10, DH got home 5 mins later. Had to gulp down some chili and head out by 5:30 (really didn’t eat) Junior high was a mess. Sidebar conversations, ridiculous lack of attention, etc. Highschool- wow. No words. Almost. We talked about David and Bathsheba and temptation (lots of diet application! Not being where you’re supposed to be, allowing yourself to linger, justifying, trying to cover up and making it worse, etc.) Everyone was interactive, open, paying attention, and seeming to get a lot out of it all. Then at the end of the lesson- insanity. (For those unfamiliar with the story, David sleeps with a married woman, gets her pregnant, and has her husband killed to cover it all up) Out of this discussion of murder comes the discussion of abortion. Gulp. Alright, we roll with it. And I am shocked. We have a group of kids that come from very rough backgrounds, and we have the most respectful, articulate teenagers I have ever encountered. Our philosophy has always been to give them the background and teach them how to think, not what to think. I was thoroughly impressed with the responses that came out of them- more thought out and better spoken than most adults I know, with plenty of real world and Biblical support on either side. Score. Then, the conversation drifts. This time to homosexuality. What?! Come on now, how many issues do we have to tackle in one night?! But, I am so, so proud of them. I’m just overjoyed that our kids are thinking critically, Biblically, and expressing their thoughts so eloquently. We had people from every side, and all of them were so respectful and compassionate. It makes me feel like out of all the things that go wrong, something somewhere is going right.

But, I’m exhausted physically (getting Lucy Dearest into her bath last night was WWE Smackdown with 60+ pounds of dead weight, we’re going to call that a workout) and emotionally. I hate my job, but I LOVE my kids. I love that I’m loving applesauce and yogurt, I love that I wasn’t satisfied with fish and chips. I love that I feel like I’m finally behind the wheel again.

Today was pretty good. Weighed in at 205, got in an hour fifteen walk with Lucy, drank 8 glasses of water like it was nothing… so far so good. Still haven’t managed to wake up early. I wonder if I just need to put that one on the back burner until I get the exercise bike. I feel like I don’t have a specific commitment for that timeframe, and I know it doesn’t take me that long to get ready, and it’s cold in my house, and we just got a new bed and it’s so comfy and… more excuses? I’m sure I could come up with a few.  But, really, I think I may need to rethink my morning crusade- atleast for now.

I have a whole bunch of home improvement projects going on right now, and normally I use my evenings when DH is on shift to get them done. But the last two nights? Nope. Made muffins last night and dyed my hair. Tonight? Biggest Loser and relaxing on the couch. I’ll probably give Lucy a bath when it’s over though- she’s smelling a big “doggy”. Dying my hair went well- sort of. The color ended up good, really good actually. But it was one of those in the box kist that came with highlights. Welps, it turns out I need someone else to do the highlights for me, I couldn’t get them done fast enough and so some are a little lighter than others. One rogue in particular. Damn hair. But, it’s hair, it grows.

Today was pretty good, until the end. Unfortunately I ended up way low on calories (like 1000 left over when I got to dinner) and then worked out on top of it. I couldn’t figure out anything that sounded good, and so I fell victim to the Donald. But, I only went 68 calories over my normal daily total, not including the 406 I burned in exercise. So, it wasn’t the best choice, but it did fit.

Walked through the meadow on our walk today, I’ve been exploring more and more of our neighborhood lately and I’ve realized exactly how close we are to the meadow. It was GORGEOUS. Thick grass and low bushes, a curving slow stream, peeks of late season wildflowers. There were dozens of birds of every size and shape, all singing their songs. We could have stayed longer (I was with a good friend on top of it) but it was getting close to dusk and I have no desire to experience coyotes up close and personal. I did find an adorable little sandy cove along the stream though, I’m hoping to get back there with a lawnchair and a book at some point.

Anyways… off to scrub the pooch!

Or, why you shouldn’t eat Chinese food before a weigh-in…

This morning’s weight- 205. Three pounds down for the week. Woot!

Well, weekends are the worst but I made it out alive. Here’s the down-low:

Friday: First things first- I made it through the bakery! I walked over to the amazingly delicious artisan bakery next door with a coworker and managed to walk out empty handed. Considering pastries are my biggest weakness, I think we can call that a slam dunk. After that, we had a meeting and teambuilding that took half the day. I didn’t really plan well, but it came out alright. I didn’t eat many calories with breakfast or snacks and so I left a good amount of room for meeting food. (1/2 ciabatta sandwich, bag of chips, cookie. Should have had some of the fruit). For dinner, DH and I headed off the hill and had Chili’s. First victory- passed on the appetizers, even the extra yummy queso dip, and had a side salad instead. Next victory- ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with the honey mustard on the side and broccoli instead of fries. (DH was shocked… I’m a total hussy for fries with ranch dressing!) Also managed to avoid dessert. So, I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, that ended later on when I looked up the calories to find that the sandwich was 840 calories! EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY. D’oh! Guess it goes to show that things that sound healthy aren’t always- it pays to look ahead!

Saturday: Slept in, yay! DH and I took Miss Lucy on an hour long walk, then grabbed some lunch (unfortunately, McDonalds…ugh) and went over to the Homecoming game (some of our kids were playing). We didn’t get much else done, but went out again (AHHH! I’m driving myself crazy with this!) to a salad bar buffet. Unfortunately, I went wayyy over, further proof that buffets are directly from Satan.

Sunday- relatively uneventful, except that we ate out AGAIN- this time at Panda Express, where I unfortunately consumed close to 1000 calories. Bummer. Once again, need to plan these things out better.

Overall, my daily net calorie average for the week was right around 1575. (Under by 105/day)

So, this morning I weighed in at 207. But, I refuse to accept that weight. J I’ve been weighing in at 205.5 every other day, and I only went over by 150 calories yesterday, so I know it’s just water weight from the quasi Chinese food. So, I’ll use tomorrow’s weight instead.

Got back on track today.  I didn’t manage to get all my meals packed for today, but I still managed to stay on track. Didn’t get up early, but got in my water and a good walk for Lucy. I’ve slowly been expanding our walk time, and tonight came in at 30 minutes. (Would have been longer but said water began to torture my bladder). Managed to bake another batch of muffins, added pumpkin, more zucchini, and shredded carrots to last week’s recipe while cutting out some sugar. Final result? 66 calories, 2.6 grams fiber, and 3.84 grams protein. (Recipe to follow). So far. So good.

This week’s goals:

1. Get up 15 minutes early. It’s a repeat, but I really need to get this one to stick.
2. Take a daily multi. They may make your pee bright yellow, but they are good for you!
3. Have a serving of vegetables with each meal.
4. Stretch for 5 minutes each day.
5. Up Lucy’s walks to 30 minutes each day.

Alright, that was a little overly dramatic. But, I am, currently, at the point of the week that provides the most temptation of all- late night after youth group. Usually there’s some stress (tonight isn’t really any different) for whatever reason, I’m always hungry, and usually weak to the Siren Song of The Bell. But not tonight. I’ll admit it, the craving is strong, but there are things I want more. Like shedding my fat suit (I’ve got sweaters, I don’t need the insulation!) and developing a healthy relationship with food. (Hi food, I’m Jessica. Can we be friends?)

On top of that, I fought off my nemesis today. Have I mentioned that I work next to an artisan french bakery? That makes delectable slices of heaven that make me weak in the knees? Or the almond croissant that acts as my diet kryptonite? Today, my coworker from the other office was up, and she asked if I wanted anything. (Normally we wal over together on Wednesdays and grab a lil sumpin’ sumpin’) I said no. I didn’t even want it. For once, I was SATISFIED with what I had. And I think that, in the end, thats what this whole journey boils down to. (in more ways than I can count)

When all is said and done, today was pretty good.  I didn’t wake up early (operator error with the alarm clock. will improve or else face floggings) but a strange thing did happen- I woke up hungry. Not actually when I got out of bed, but at 815 (I usually eat my first part of breakfast at 930 or so) What is that about? It’s a good thing, but still. Waking my metabolism could be like waking a sleeping giant. Or, it could just be waking my metabolism. Whatever.

I also didn’t manage to get Lucy on her walk. I know, I’m horrible. But, we split youth group for the first time so now I have to be at the church before 6, instead of before 7. (jr high is now from 6 to 7 and highschool is from 730 to 830) And, since I had to play chauffeur as well, I had to leave the house at 535. 35 minutes is just not enough time to get a walk in, eat dinner, change, and go.

I did though, fall prey to the dark side. Kind of.  Because it was the first night of the split, and the fact that we had some people protesting the split (primarily the middle school girls who forced the split by hitting on highschool boys) we had a really small middle school youth group. So we went over to McDonalds and had icecream cones.  I must admit, it was actually quite a dilemma. I didn’t really want the cone, was feeling good about my eating on plan, and had no idea how many calories were lurking in said cone. In the end, I gave in and had one. Why? Because I don’t feel comfortable “dieting” in front of middle school girls. Since they don’t see me enough on a day to day basis to see what I eat (and that I splurge!) I don’t want them to get the impression that you have to forgo icecream to lose weight or be healthy. And most importantly, I didn’t want want to make any of them feel self conscious about eating icecream either. So, I ate the cone. It wasn’t originally on the plan, but it was good. (PS- It turns out the cone and its contents are only 150 calories)

I’m still absolutely flabbergasted by how many calories it takes me to be full. Or should I say doesn’t take.  I’ve decided that I need to come up with a way of adding more calories to my days, because even with my icecream cone, and some popcorn (yum!), and the apple pie filling apples I had for dessert after lunch (double serving), my day has topped out at 1383 calories. Being under is fine as long as I go over some too, but not every day. So, off to make myself eat more. (HA!) I think I’ll add a piece of fruit, and make my eggs three eggs scrambled instead of 2 whites and one whole. Huge changes? Nope. But they’ll help even it out. Maybe a few more crackers to go with my tuna snack, make my next batch of muffins with nuts and some more fiber… we’ll see.

Overall, I’m feeling damn skippy. I didn’t come through with all of my goals (I haven’t finished my water for the day either and its almost 11) but I’m not upset. I want to prompt change, and I am. Who cares if I miss one here or there? Once again, this is just a quest for happy imperfection…

This just in- weighed in at 206 this morning. That would be, that’s right, 2.5 pounds down from yesterday. Is it water weight? Yup. But hey, if I can whine about it’s arrival I can certainly celebrate its departure.

So today was a five out of five day. I got up early, I followed a meal plan, I tracked my food, drank my water, and Lucy and I actually doubled our walk to 40 minutes. That’s right, I put my @$$ kicking shoes on this morning

Food was pretty good again, I found that when I eat things that I feel are healthy, I enjoy them more.  My breakfasts are two parters (part at 8, part at 10) with a zucchini bran muffin first and scrambled egg whites (with one yolk) and broccoli later.  It just seems like it gets me off on the right start.  Add a little snack of some tune and a few whole wheat crackers and I’m not starving by lunch like usual.  I have to say that I am shocked at how full and satisfied I feel on so few calories. I’ve actually eaten 1300ish calories a day and not even been hungry for more, which is just ridiculous to me. Technically, I’m supposed to be eating around 1680 calories a day, and so I am eating low. But, I know that it will average out and some days will be more. If not, I’ll start making a better effort to eat more. (HA! Never thought I’d say that!)

So I woke up early and… wandered around my house. I did a couple short floor exercises, but I honestly felt a little clueless as to what, exactly, I planned on doing. What a dunce. Oh well, these things come with time.

So, today’s recap- weighed in at 206, ate 1441  calories, walked Lucy twice as long, woke up early, drank my water, tracked my food, and planned ahead.

Excited about: 2.5 pounds, feeling good, planning a vacation, a cute idea for pumpkin carving

Meh: sinus pressure.