Natalia28

Keeping strong, with God’s help.

Posted natalia28 on May 7th, 2008 | Filed under General | 1 Comment »

Last night was TOUGH, almost unmanageable.  Foods thoughts and urges were overwhelming.  Guess God helped me through it cause at different times throughout the evening, i simply decided to allow myself to binge.  But i did not, i told myself :”okay, but only after you do that, right after you call this person, but you need to go buy the food at that store…” and i never got around to it.  Thank God.  I know how bad “the day after” is and i have such a long and full day ahead of me today, i would have had trouble getting things done with all the negative feelings i’d be dragging along with me all day long.  Today, one hour a time, i will not binge.  Hopefully today will be an easier day.

I’m back…

Posted natalia28 on May 6th, 2008 | Filed under General | 1 Comment »

Well lots has been going on the last few weeks. I am proud to report that i whave not binged in 26 days, getting started on day 27. As for my weight, i have no idea. I have put away my scale but i must be maitaining since i fit in all my regular clothes ( i have also put away my skinny clothes). I started therapy to try and understand the reason for my eating disorder, as bulimia is a symptom of a much deaper issue. I am also seeing a nutrionist who has prepared me a food plan, we will soon start incorporating my scary foods into my plan. I have to watch my overeating as well as my undereating, as restricting inevitably leads to bingeing. I think i’m on the right track, altough it is sometimes atrociously hard to resist the urges to binge. One day at a time though. I am also happy to admit that i am attending social events where food is involved with less anxiety. Hopefully in time the anxiety will disappear and my feelings of satiety will return to tell me when i have had enough and food will be not be used for comfort anymore, i will not be afraid of it anymore. OA also remains a support for me. I attend at least one meeting a week, it helps keep me focused and keeps me close to fellows who are faced with the same struggles as me.

I’ll try to update more frequently. I will not binge, just for today.

Monday morning weekly weigh-in

Posted natalia28 on April 14th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

The scale read 130,0 pounds this morning. I have not been restricting (3 meals and 3 snacks, to prevent hypoglycemia symptoms), exercising like before, binged once this week (last Wednesday). But i have also been under a lot of stress with focusing on overcoming my disorder. I have not calorie-counted in a week, i’ve been eating enough and trying to be more aware of my hunger and fullness, if i am really hungry, i will eat more. But i have to be careful not to overeat, ie, eat to feed my body not my disease or emotions. I also bought a very helpful book recommended by my doctor that i have been reading and working with (its a workbook). I am not going to freak out about the 2 additonal pounds i would need to loose to reach my goal. I will be happy simply maintaining this weight but i desperatly want to overcome this vicious cycle of bingeing and feeling guilty and bad about myself afterwards. I need to eat enough and regularly (keep an eating routine) so that my body and mind do not feel deprived. After 30 days of regulated eating, the needs to binge and the anxieties around food will hopefully diminish. I will not deprive myself, i will only try and stay away from my binge foods for now since i do not feel safe around them yet (they’re not healthy for me anyway), keep doing the exercises in my book, attend OA meetings for support not to binge, exercise and see my doctor again in 2 weeks.

There is hope, one day at a time.

There is hope…finally

Posted natalia28 on April 13th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

Went to see a doctor yersterday…ahhhhhhhhhhh,…finally, somebody competent! I am very glad i met him, although he is very expensive, it was money well spent. He is specialized in eating disorders and admitted i was a text book bulimic and have a phobia of gaining weight. He gave me pointers (meal plan, books to read and specialists to see). I will see him again in 2 weeks. I am really determined to get better. If i don’t change my attitude about food and weight, i will never be able to stop bingeing. I just want to get out of this vicious cycle and learn to appreciate myself and my body again. I will continue to attend OA while taking and leaving what i need and don’t need from the program. I will see it as a support group to help me not binge. For now, i will stay away from my binge foods because i am still very fragile and vulnerable around them, but i know in time, i will be able to re-integrate them in my meal plans in moderation. I also want to look at 2 things with the therapist next time: maybe take some meds to help with my mood and give me psychological strenght to fight the bulimic disease and find out the reasons why i look for comfort in food and how to control the need to comfort myself with it. Basically, i just want to reajust my relationship with food. The doctor says that in many cases, after 30 days of healthy and sufficient eating at regular times and limiting the restrictive attitude towards my food intake, the needs for bingeing will diminish and maybe even disappear. There might be some weight gain, but it will reajust in time.

One hour at a time, today i will not binge.

Friday morning

Posted natalia28 on April 11th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

The appointment i had with the therapist on Tuesday night was not at all helpful, as a matter of fact i will not be seeing her again.  I have found a specialist in eating disorders that comes very well recommended and luckily i will be able to see him tomorrow morning.  So, i hope that will go well.

On Wednesday night, after the Board meeting during which i announced i will be leaving my job in mid-July 2008, i dug into the food after everybody left , and this after 5 days of being binge-free.  Today is day 2, i am really glad i was able to stay abstinent yesterday because usually i can overeat for a few days after i break my abstinence, so i am happy about that.  I know today will also be a struggle but i am staying confident that God will help me  and i am keeping in mind again that I WILL NOT DIE IF I DONT GIVE IN TO THE CRAVINGS, NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY ARE!  I am working from home today and plan to go over to a friend’s house tonight.  Tomorrow is my appointmnt with the therapist in the am and OA in the pm.  So, good support for tomorrow.  One day at a time though.  I will not binge, just for today.

I plan to get started on step 4 today.

Monday morning weigh in

Posted natalia28 on April 7th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

The scale read 131,8 pounds this morning. Glad i did not do too much damage. I am starting my third binge free day. Yesterday was tough, i went to the movies to keep busy and it helped keep my mind off the food and the cravings, plus the movie was really good (an independant lebanese movie called “Caramel”). I just kept saying to myself all day:”easy does it, just for today, just get through today.” I am working from 2pm to 9pm today, so i will pack my supper and enjoy a healthy snack when i get home tonight. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my therapist, hope it helps me, i really want to feel better. I have not been counting calories, my brain wants to, but i try to keep my mind busy in order not to count. I will simply eat healthy, enough but without overeating, and stay away from my trigger and binge foods. That is my new abstinence and if i eat a little too much than planned one day, i will forgive myself and not go into a full blown binge. I did 30 min of stationary bike exercise at home this morning and 40 min of elliptical yesterday at the gym. Havent made any OA calls (neither to my sponsor). I will try to make some this week. I am hoping to stay abstinent, just for today. I know it will be hard, but i will achieve it, with God’s help.

10 positive things i did yesterday:

- Went to the gym

- Went to the movies

- Had my mom over and spent the afternoon with her

- Worked things out with my BF

- Overcame the cravings by remembering it was just for today

- Tried to overcome my guilt and shame

- Am more aware of my addiction, which means i am less afraid of it, i will NOT die if i do not give in to the cravings

- I ate enough

- I refrained from counting calories

- Went to bed early

10 defects of character:

- Am too critical of others

- Hold a grudge

- Procrastination

-Am too hard on myself

- Do not always prevent to effects of the hypoglycemia

- Do not appreciate my body

- Perfectionist

- Pessimist

- Low self-esteem

- Self-centered

Another day 2

Posted natalia28 on April 6th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

I got through yesterday abstinently.  I ran my errands, went to acuponcture, to O.A and watched the hochey game at home while doing my overdue exercise (hadn’t exercised in 2 days and the more i drag it on, the harder it is to get back on track).  It felt really great to work out.  I then had my hot herbal tea and went to bed early.  Today is day 2.  I plan to head off to the gym in an hour or so to do 40 min of elliptical, go tanning and attend an OA meeting in the late afternoon, clean the house and go to bed early.  If the cravings come…and they will…i have to remember how i go through them yesterday: i prayed, took it one craving at a time and kept busy.  From now on, i will eat more if i feel hungry in order to avoid bingeing and stay away from my binge or trigger foods.  This is my new abstinence, i will also try to stop calorie counting.  The point is not to binge.  I have to stop being so hard on myself ( i have a tendency to go into full blown binge if i eat a little more than i am supposed to).  So if i am more hungry than usual, i will eat more, without bingeing and while staying away from my binge foods.  I am also looking forward to my first appoint. with my therapist on Tuesday.

List of positive 10 positive things for yesterday:

- Got through the food cravings without giving in

- Fed myself enough even if it was the day after a binge ( i had a tendency to restrict the day after)

- Went to an OA meeting

- Confided in my mom

- Called my friend to share on what i was feeling

- Wrote an e-mail to a doctor i used to see and that i really appreciated

- Did my grocery shopping and stuck to my list even though i wanted shove binge foods in my cart

- Took it easy last night, enjoyed the hockey game at home

- Did not spend money on things i did not need in order to fill the void and feel better

- Did not give up on myself and am ready to face and conquer my addiction

11 defects of character:

- Procrastination

- Hold a grudge

- Give food too much importance and control

- Judgemental

- Self-centered

- Am too hard on myself

- Have a distorted image of myself

- Perfectionist

- Lazy

- Expect too much from my BF, my mom and my close friends

- Pessimist

Back on plan

Posted natalia28 on April 4th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

I dreamt i was bingeing and had all the horrible feelings related to it. Then i would wake up (woke up a few times throughout the night, feeling anxious) and would be happy it was just a dream until i realized i had actually binged last night.

I need to get back on track today. I have to do the work related to my recovery or else, i will forever be stuck in this vicious cycle. Usually the binge can last a few days so i have to do everything to prevent that. I have to get involved in activities that do not include food. Here’s the plan for today. Head off to work (as usual). Make a few OA calls during lunch. Only eat the lunch and snacks i have packed. Head home around 6:30pm and have dinner. Head off to the gym ( did not get on the bike this morning, and it would be nice to get some elliptical in once or twice a week). Run some errands afterwards, have my night snack, write up my OA lists and get to bed early.

I will be abstinent, just for today.

I weighed myself on Wednesday after 2 weeks and the scale read 131,2 pounds. Official weigh in will be Monday morning.

Tomorrow is another day

Posted natalia28 on April 3rd, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

I was at day 9 of abstinence.  Took some work home, it stressed me out so i ate and i ate and ate.

Tomorrow is a new day, that’s all i have to say.

I have not called my sponsor in 2 days.  Saw her at a good OA meeting on Tuesday night but havent done any OA related work in 2 days and this is what happens.  One positive thing is that i made an appointment with a therapist that i will meet for the first time next Tuesday.  But i know i have to do the work, nobody will do it for me.  Plus, i will stop seeing the previous counsellor i was seeing since she is doing more harm than good by not taking my addiction/obession seriously because i am not overweight.

Here is my list of 10 positive things for today:

- Got up early and went to work early

- Finished up the code of ethics

- Finished up the subsidy demand

- Called dad to apologize after i lost my temper

- Paid off my credit card debt

- Had a healthy breakfast and lunch

- Spoke to the president of my board about my intentions to leave my job

- Enjoyed the amazing hockey game on tv tonight

- Did my laundry

-  Had a nice conversation with a friend

10 defects of character:

- Procrastination

-Feelings of guilt and shame

- Lazyness

- Not asking for help when i need it the most

- Repeating the same mistakes over and over

- Giving food way too much importance and control in my life

-  Not respecting my limits

- Proud

- Self-centered

- Short tempered

Monday morning

Posted natalia28 on March 31st, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

Went through a stressful day yesterday without overeating. I made my calls, read some litterature and prayed for God’s support and comfort. I did not attend a meeting since i had to go to my great aunt’s funeral. My BF and i went to a sushi buffet for supper afterwards. I could have eaten all that i wanted but i had enough to feel comfortably full. There is still a lot of stress when i eat, because i know i have to limit myself and i feel anxious. I think that may be why i get stomache pains and bloating. It is not necessarily what i am eating but the stress i am feeling as i am eating. I can eat the same foods on different days and one day i get the pains and bloating and on another i don’t. I have to learn to relax and enjoy the food as i am eating it, eat slowly and focus on the conversation and the people around me and not so much on what others are eating, what i cannot eat, and what i wish i could eat. I will remember that next time. I had uncomfortable bloating all night because of the stress.

Today is Monday and i will not weigh in, i am finishing my TOM so i will wait a couple of days ( my TOM came late this month). I havent weighed in in over 2 weeks. I don’t know if i gained weight and frankly, i don’t care. The important thing is that i don’t binge.

Plan for today: Make an appointment with a professional, make my OA calls tonight, ask for God’s help all day long, make healthy choices food wise, make my list of 10 positive things i have done today and a list of my 10 character defects, make an appointment for acuponcture to help me with my stomache and fatigue.

Things i am proud that i have done: wrote the president of my board an e-mail letting him know i am thinking about leaving my job this summer ( it took me a very long time to make that decision and to let someone know about my decision), did my exercises and read my litterature this morning.