…and I’m going to bed soon so I don’t get tempted. Today it was easy not to overeat because my day was full of wonderful stuff. I was able to leave work early, go for a run, and then go to my improv class. Laughing for two hours is great for the soul. Told a friend that I loved him. He said it back. It’s good to have such a close friend.
Hoping the capper for the day will be a Phillies win over the Dodgers in Game 4 of the NLCS. As of 11:20 pm, it’s a tied game.
Filed under: binge eating | No Comments »
Posted on October 5th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
I haven’t been posting on my blog because what can I say…I continue to binge and I am gaining weight fast. I hate the weight gain, but in a deep way I don’t want to stop because I believe overeating is the only way to get comfort in my stressful life.
I’ve been honest in my blog that I am not a dieter- rather I have an eating disorder. Losing weight means I have to face the fact that I use food to medicate. Will power will not solve my emotional eating problems. Instead I need a program of recovery.
So it’s another morning after a binge. I see the remnants of my eating- candy wrappers, orange peels, dirty dishes, and I am glad its over for now. Right now the obsession to eat is calm- I feel perfectly content not eating and I feel like a normal person. What a relief, but unfortunately the feeling won’t last. Later in the day, I will get hungry and want something to eat. And of course I will eat. I have to. And whatever I eat will feel like not enough, so I will eat more. And more. Until I am full and my body will want me to stop, but I will have some sort of voice inside me that says I am still hungry.
However awful binge eating disorder is, it has something to teach me. That I need to make changes in my life so that I don’t rely on something outside myself to get me through. I need to take of myself better and to learn that eating doesn’t solve my problems, only make them worse.
My recovery plan is simple…Do things that make my life easier (like cleaning, spending time with friends) rather than harder (like eating more food than my body wants). I am planning to run for the first time in two weeks- my physical condition is deteriorating fast- maybe running will remind me that I am strong.
I don’t know when I will stop bingeing, but I hope it is soon.
Filed under: binge eating, emotional eating, running, slips, weight | 2 Comments »
Posted on September 19th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
It has been seven days since I resumed bingeing again and got on the scale for a wake up call. Gain of one pound, which isn’t terrible. So, it is Friday and I am recommitting myself to a binge free existence. One month with very few binges felt wonderful. I don’t want to go back comforting myself with food.
I started a new job this week, which could be my excuse to eat. But it could be my reason to see if I can deal with stress in a way other than eating. I need to take things one day at a time.
And I need to watch my triggers. Yesterday, I got overtired and by 10 pm I was at the convenience store. There are certain patterns that lead me to eating. It is time to pay attention to them.
So, here are my commitments/goals for this week. I put them out there so that I can have some accountability:
1) Exercise 4-5 times a week. This week even when I was overeating, I was still running. That helped me maintain my current level of fitness. My goal to run a half marathon should not be derailed because I at a ton of food.
2) Average sleep 8-9 hours a night or supplement with naps. This is going to be tough because I have a full schedule and some nights I don’t get to sleep until after midnight. Sleep is huge for me- I am one of those people who needs a lot. It seems like the next time I’ll get to sleep more than 6 hours is Sat night/Sunday. But it is time to consider going to bed at 10.
3) Commit my food in writing in advance. I have a “food sponsor” who I email daily with my food. Helps me get/stay on track.
4) Watch my triggers and stay out of danger. I can’t be walking around feeling lonely and tired and think I am going to resist food. If I take care of myself, I won’t turn to food for comfort or love.
There are more things I can do, but I will keep it simple for now. Another long day ahead, but it’s the weekend. Yay!
Filed under: Uncategorized, binge eating, committment, coping skills, food plan, slips, weigh in | 1 Comment »
Posted on September 16th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
On Friday, I bought food for a party I was having and started nibbling on it. One slip up has turned into four days straight of eating. My relapse into binge eating disorder was so rapid and it threatens to erase all the progress I have made. Here are my commitments to get back on track:
1) Plan my eating in advance– Committing my food has been helpful in resisting impulse eating.
2) Continue my recovery oriented activities– My relapse is not an excuse to let the healthy things go in my life like exercise.
3) Take this one day at a time. I have had four days of bad eating. One day of being back on track is all I need.
4) Talk and blog about my slipping. The whole point of my blog was to document my journey out of binge eating disorder. This is a great opportunity to learn from my relapse.
It is hard to admit to a setback when I have been doing well for over a month. But in my heart I knew there would be relapses. An eating disorder does not disappear overnight.
Filed under: binge eating, slips | 1 Comment »
Posted on September 12th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
I am coping with some major fear stuff today, not directly related to my eating. Fear wears me out and tells me I won’t be able to do it so I should not try. Fear creeps into my eating in that I have been successful for the past month in curbing my binge eating and in losing weight. In the last few weeks, I have only had a handful of binges and they have been pretty small. The weight loss is almost scary. In week 1 of trying to not binge I lost 7 lbs and the next week 3 lbs. The past two weeks, my weightloss has averaged 2 lbs a week. So I’ve lost 14 lbs in a month. That’s a lot of weight loss, but it shows how bad my binges were, which could be as high as 5,000 calories. Imagine eating so much in a 3 hour sitting that you gain a whole pound. So when I stopped bingeing 2-3 times a week, some of the weight loss was automatic.
But I’m working at getting in shape now. Eat healthy, exercise as much as possible. I pretty much stay away from sugar and white flour. I didn’t do it on purpose- it just so happened that sugary foods like donuts and flour products like pizza needed to be off the menu. I indulge in moderation (well, I try). I ate the smallest piece of bread last night. That was all I needed, a taste. Truth is a hunk of bread would not have been more satisfying. I think its okay to eat what I want, but I have to be careful, it doesn’t turn in seconds and thirds. At an Indian restaurant recently, I lost myself in flaky naan which kind of ruined the meal for me because I ate everything in sight.
So bingeing is better and I’m working out. And people have noticed the change. At a party last night, at least 8 people made comments. It was nice, but scary. I have lost weight before and put it right back on. I fear a fall coming, now that I have bought some smaller clothes. So I spent way over my budget for some medium size shirts that barely fit. And that means they will look really good if I lose more weight and they won’t fit if I gain. A gamble. I hope I’m up for it.
Haven’t binged in almost a week. It is really exciting to see my progress. Hope I remember that faith is the antidote to fear.
Filed under: binge eating, fear | 2 Comments »
Posted on September 8th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
On my way to New Jersey where I will spend three days sunning and moving my body as summer comes to a close. A time to think about the past five months when I began my journey to end my binge eating disorder which had left me suicidal. I quit my job, entered treatment, floundered, but then started to do better. And on top of that, starting a job in two weeks. Time to do a pre-emptive vacation. Look forward to reading blogs when I get back. Bye.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Posted on September 7th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
Changed the titled of my blog from, “No Easy Answers to Ending Binge Eating” to blah, blah blog-o-rama because I wanted the title to be lighter. I felt a sense of heaviness every time I blogged. “Oh great,” I’d think every time I’d key in an entry, “no fun solutions here.” Thought I might be depressing the readers. Also, I’m trying to be a little punchier with the style. I don’t know. I want my blog to be fun for me to write and maybe be fun for other people to read.
Oh yeah, hope the multiple entries aren’t overwhelming. I prefer to break my stuff up into small chunks rather than write longer entries. Anyway, I’m having fun even though I don’t know what a blog-o-rama is.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
