I weighed in at 149.8 today! I cant believe it! I have not been this weight since I was 16! 

I am still wearing 12/14’s though so I am now going to start aiming for 140 and see if that helps the tummy area.

I just want to run away right now. Run away from my life.

I understand now why my mom did.

Here is a pic of me from a couple weeks ago.  I bought this new outfit and was feeling pretty good.  First is a pic from before (about 10 months ago).

I cant believe we are already at the 17th of August.  Time has really flown by this summer.  I am more then ready for the kids to go back to school though.  They are getting bored, and I am going crazy with the whining and fighting between them all. 

Not much to report in terms of weight loss.   I am kind of at a stand still.  Im ok with it though, at least for now.  My goal at the beginning of the summer was to not gain, and while I did gain a bit camping, I lost it within a week of being home.  I am at 155.2 this morning.  My plan is to try to start losing again in the fall.  I have been hovering around 155 for a little over a month now and really I dont see that as a bad thing.  Summer is filled with lots of extra treats (bbq’s, icecream) that kind of thing and a girl has to live! lol  Besides, with the kids home I just have not been able to get to the Y.  Also now I am working from 1-6 mon-fri so I dont have as much time as I did before.  I hope I can get into a good routine come september.

I am planning to go to a cycling class in a few minutes, so better run.

I’ve noticed how easy it has become to be obsessed about every morsel of food that I ingest.  I dont like that feeling, it makes me feel like food is in control and I dont like that.  There will always be parties that include foods I may not eat on a regular basis, but I don tlike that panicky feeling that I get when I think about the calories or fat that is in it.  I should be free to eat it no matter what it is because it is something I would not normally eat, and I dont need to have a lot of it.  It’s simple right?  So why do I get so stressed out about food??  I love food.  I love everything about it from the taste, to the texture, to the feeling of being full.  I am addicted to it really.  The thing about a food addiction is that you can’t cut it out of your life like you can drugs or alcohol.  You still need to eat to live.  Some days I find that it is getting easier, other days I think I can NOT keep doing this.  Planning meals, making lunches, it works…but it is mentally exhausting sometimes.  I have been so tempted the last few weeks to pull up to a drivethru and just go for it.  But I know that will put me right back where I was 7 months ago…and I do NOT want to go there…yet I still want to eat that food.  This is SO hard.  Harder then anything I have done, and even though I am thrilled with the results sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough to keep me wanting that food.

It seems SO simple.  Eat less, choose better foods, exercise.  And it works….but why does it have to be SO hard all the time??  Right now I want nothing more then to go to timmy’s and order one of their sausage, egg, cheese english muffin things and have a big iced cap with it.  It’s probably the equivilant to about a 3/4 day worth of cal’s…but I miss it!  The thing about doing that is it could easily send me into a downward spiral and bad choices.  You know what I mean?  You get a taste of it and instead of satisfying you it just makes things worse because you just want more of it. 

AHHHHHHH Im hungry!!

I weighed in this morning at 161 pounds.  I was so excited to see that number, I think that is the lowest I have been in 10 years.  Its a good feeling!  I can wait to step on the scale and have it tell me I am 15something.  That will be awesome, and I hope to see it by the end of July.  I dont think I have been in the 150’s since I was a teenager.

 I’ve been worried about how I was going to get to the gym during the summer, but a friend of mine and I were talking and decided that once a week I will watch her kids in the morning, and then she will watch mine in the afternoon.  That takes care of one day a week.  My mil also said she will watching them once morning a week, so that gives me 2 days a week.  My dh is home on the weekends so I could go on saturday and/or on sunday which gives me 3-4 days a week which is great! That is what I have been doing, so even with the kids home for the summer I can continue to go to the gym and I have no excuse.

 I totally have the munchies right now.  I want nothing more then to make some popcorn, but the kind that we have in the house is the buttery flavor and its pretty high in cals/fat.  I have been meaning to pick up some of the lighter kind, just I keep forgetting.

 Im signing off now…nothing exciting to say. lol

I have been feeling lazy all week and I just have not been able to push myself to the gym.  I was suppose to go yesterday…and I didnt so I said I would go today…well I didnt.  I spent the morning cleaning, mopping, doing laundry trying to catch up on the house things and while thoughs things NEEDED to be done I still feel like I used them as an excuse not to work out.  I do NOT want to go back to the way I was so why am I so not wanting to work out right now?  Even food has been harder then it has been before to control.  I want all the things that I have not really had…like the full fat pizza, and the burgers.  It’s taking a lot of energy just to say no to the food and I am not always successful at that either. 

 I think I am going to stop trying to lose weight for the summer and focus on just maintaining where I am now.  I know that having my kids home everyday is going to stop me from working out the way I have been anyway, and I think this might be a good break for my body, and a test for me. 

 I wish I could be one of those people who could eat whatever they wanted and not gain an ounce.  My sisters are like that and if you combine their weights together they STILL do not weigh what my starting weight was. Scary eh?  I think I must have gotten my dads genes (thanks roll eyes). 

 Anyway, Im having a blah day and just not motivated to do anything really.  So, while my cleaning is done…I just dont have that extra energy to work otu.

I was expecting disaster.  I had a BAD food binge this past weekend and I was feeling crappy because of TOM all week so I didn’t get many workouts in.  I was SHOCKED when I weighed in at 166.6.  Holy crap, that was two and a half pounds down from last week and during TOM to boot!  Anyway, Im thrilled about it and my total so far is 63.6 pounds down.  WOOHOO!

Mom’s final days

When the lilacs start coming out, when winter becomes spring, I am reminded of the hardest time of my life. It was around this time of year 8 years ago that we were spending my moms last few weeks with her.

She had cancer and I remember her calling around the last week of April (the dates are becoming a little fuzzy) to tell me she had a few MONTHS to live. The news broke my heart and I just cried and cried. After talking on the phone with her I called my sister who at the time lived in Australia and when we talked she said she and her family were coming up because she didnt want to miss out on moms last few WEEKS. Weeks??No, she told me months!!. After talking to her I called my other sister and then my brother and they both confirmed to me that yes, it was in fact weeks that she had left and not months. I quickly dialed my mom again and point blank asked her mom, why did you tell me months when you told the others weeks? There was a long pause on the other end and when she did respond she was all choked up and replied because I knew it would be hardest on you and I didnt know if you would be able to handle knowing the full truth right away. I was planning to give you the news bit by bit. I am sorry I didnt give you the truth right away, I just know how hard this is for you and I was worried about you and the baby (I was almost 7 months pregnant with Emma). I couldnt speak, I couldnt move, I could only cry. I tried so hard not to because I didnt want my mom to feel any worse then she already did, but I couldnt help it. We got off the phone and I fell into my husbands arms and just sobbed and sobbed until I was physically sick. My mom and I were absolutely best friends. We talked every day on the phone and never had a lull in conversation.

It was coming up to Mothers day and my mom wanted it to be a happy time. She invited us, and all my siblings up to her house for a party. While driving up I explained to my then 5-year-old daughter Sarah that Grandma was not going to look like she normally did. She was sick, and would probably look very tired. Sarah in all her innocence asked me Momma, is Grandma gonna die? I said Yes baby, Grandma is going to die soon. She is going to be with Jesus in Heaven but one day we will see her again. I had to be truthful…what would be the point in lying. Sarah looked out the window of the car for a few minutes and the next time she looked at me her eyes were blood shot red “but Mommy” she said “she is my favourite Grandma. She is the one who likes to play with me. She loves Barbies and coloring. She is my fun grandma, I dont want her to die”. I was at a loss for words and in the end just held her hand and said, “I dont either baby”.

The party ended up being more then just a party. Not only was all my family there but so was my moms live in common law DH. They had been together since I was about 8, so I always just thought of them as being husband and wife. I know that several times they had started out planning their wedding but between all the kids getting married and having babies it just never happened. My mom came up to me and said that she requested a special church service and wanted all the family to be there. We were all seated in the church waiting for this service to being when all of a sudden the organist started to play the traditional wedding march. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked to the back of the church and watched as my mom slowly walked to the front. She was a beautiful bride, with a radiant smile. I think it was one of the happiest days of her life.

Back at the house the party continued. I remember I was sitting in a chair beside my mom. She put her hand on my very swollen pregnant belly and for the first time felt Emma kick. It was like Emma knew Grandma was near and wanted to say, Grandma, I know I will never meet you but because you felt me move we will forever be connected. My husband had the video camera and he taped it all. I treasure that moment. My mom was such a happy person, so full of life even as she was living out her last few weeks. In the evening we had one of our traditional singsongs. She loved to sing and several times that night I was silent just watching her with her beautiful smile singing her heart out, clapping her hands. IT tore at my heart knowing this was the last family get together we would ever have with my mom.

The next 2 weeks passed way too quickly. I stayed at her house as much as possible and each day that past she would be weaker and weaker. She was going to the hospital every few days getting blood transfusions. In the beginning it would be a noticeable change, but as each day past you could see her physically losing the battle. She went in for another transfusion but by this time was too weak to come home and ended up staying there. Giving in to the cancer was not something my mom was going to do lightly. She fought and her spirits remained high. She would often say to me “You need to rest, please dont worry, make sure you are eating enough, try not to worry about me, I love you, take care of that baby in you the last thing we need is to have you admitted too”. Yep, that was my momalways thinking about others ahead of herself. Her husband arranged to have her hair stylist come into the hospital to do her hair and make her feel beautiful. She would always be beautiful to me no matter what.

We got the final call to come to the hospital about a week or so (again my dates are fuzzy) after she was first admitted. We had just been there that morning and the doctor told us he just didnt know. It could be days, it could be another couple of weeks. I cant remember who called me (I think it was my brother) I do remember that in the background I could hear this awful rattling sound. IT was so loud, I didnt know what it was.” Its mom”, he said. Carl and I hopped into the car and knowing that we had about an hour and a half drive to go just prayed over and over that God would allow us to get there in time.

When we walked onto her hospital floor she was way down the hallway at the other side. All we could hear was her breathing. I will never forget the loud breathing. Like every grasp was such an effort. We quickly go to her room and sat beside her and held her hand. My brother, two sisters and moms husband were already there. He walked up to the bedside and whispered into her ear “Its ok Judy, you can let go now. Everyone is here, Angie just go here. You can let go now”. There was not a sound in the air except that awful death rattle breathing. I was holding her hand and started singing out loud. It was one of my moms favorite things to do. With all 4 of her kids around her bed softly singing church hymns to her, she calmed down so much. Her breathing went back to normal, and you could honestly physically see her calm down. I knew she knew we were there, and I know that the singing was bringing her peace. For another 5-10 minutes we continued to sing. Her breathing was slowing down and then all of a sudden she failed to take another breath. My mom had finally let go. She had waited until we were all with her, and when she knew that it was ok to let go, she did. I am so thankful to God for the last few weeks that we had with her, and so thankful that he allowed me to be holding her hand when she did take her final breath. Nobody in this world could every compare to my beautiful mother and I miss her so much. Even to this day I find myself grabbing the phone to tell her what the latest things the kids have done. That is when it hits me most, when I have to put the phone back in the cradle and remember she is not here anymore. I feel her though, I know she is looking down from heaven, and I know that one day I will hold her hand again.

She died May 28, 2000. But the whole month of May is so hard for me. So many memories, Thank God for memories.

If you have read this far, thank you. You are reading a huge piece of my heart. Treasure your mom, love her, spend time with her, and be thankful for every moment you have with her. Death is so final.

I got my hair cut, my brows waxed and got myself a new shirt! I feel great.