Miz M\’s World

Let’s just jump right in and tell it like it is…I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I’m actually choosing the best options to live a healthier lifestyle leading to weight loss. What an absolute bummer to find out that I’ve been failing miserably.

Yesterday I made an appointment with a physician’s assistant to have her look at a rash I’ve had for more than 3 weeks. She agreed it was a plant derived rash and gave me a prescription for a potent cream. After my visit, I asked the nurse if I could weigh since I was there anyway. I was looking forward to see the progress I’ve made.

When the nurse directed my to the scale, I stepped onto it, but then she said “you know what, I think I’ll have you use this other better scale.” So off we went down the hall and around the corner. There it was hiding around the 2^nd corner, the jumbo platform scale with handles. No wonder it was hidden in the back corner. Just seeing it’s jumbo-ness gave me a chill. I was thinking I’d see a 5 or 10 pound loss. I mean it’s been 7 months since my last “doctors office weigh in”. I got on the scale and like magic the numbers popped up. What did my eyes see but reality…I now weigh 20 pounds more than I did when I had my last doctor’s appointment in January? The nurse said, “Is that good for you?” I smiled and said, “Yes, thank you”; all the while my mind was spinning. I’ve been working on eating healthier, trying to get some exercise and trying to do things to make the quality of my life better. How could this be? Was it the extra large helpings of potato chips? The nightly double size bowl of ice cream? Could it have been the 2-liter bottle of Pepsi consumed over 4 days? Was it the exercise sessions I hadn’t done? The water that didn’t get drunk? The nights of too much television and not enough sleep? Was it the head games that I’ve allowed rule everything in my life?

Should it really be a shock that I now weigh 20 pounds more than I did 7 months ago?

I drove back to work in a haze. What was I feeling?

Crestfallen, disappointed, deflated, dejected, frustrated… All of that, and more.

I want to eat.

No. No. No.

I went home and managed to hold off the hunger monster for a bit.

I need to make supper soon so I could hold out.

I eyed the potato chips.

No, they are for Richards’ lunch.

 What was I going to make for supper?

Nothing healthy.

 I didn’t have a vegetable in the house.

How about hash browns, brown & serve sausages and baked beans?

That’s good, stick to your ribs, depressing weight gain news food.

I had two hash browns (made from leftover mashed potatoes flattened into patties and browned in a skillet with butter), six sausage links and two heaping spoons of baked beans.

While scrounging in the frig and digging out the necessary ingredients what did I spy but leftover pizza! I thought, “What the Hell, it’s not going to make that much difference, right?” I had a slice cold right out of the frig. Richard came into the kitchen so I covered the half eaten pizza slice with a potholder. Now I’m back to hiding food? Hmph. I ate the pizza while cooking supper, then I ate supper and left the dishes on the table. Now I’m letting chores pile up? Totally disgusted with myself and too tired to talk myself into doing the dishes, I laid down on the couch and watched TV till I fell asleep. I woke up two hours later and headed for the kitchen. Ice cream sounds good. Two bowls later I fell asleep on the coach again. I woke up at 5 am. Ice cream sounds good. I’ll have a bowl with a side of potato chips.

 My breakfast date with two former coworkers was set for 8 am. I was bushed, loaded down with carbs and sugar, but I was a reformed woman and I was going to start off on the right foot. My night of insanity was over and I’m back on track. 

Throughout the day I made good choices, not perfect, but good. I drank my water. Ran errands. Cleaned the kitchen. Washed the dishes. I had lunch with a friend and ordered the small fruit plate, which came with raisin toast and cottage cheese. (I took ½ the fruit to work to snack on.) As it’s Thursday, I work the afternoon/evening shift and an afternoon meeting keeps me away from snacking. For supper I had a grilled chicken sandwich with a smidge of mayo and ½ cup of cottage cheese. Not bad. I’ll stop at the grocery store on the way home from work and buy those MIA veggies so I’ll just need to stay focused from 9:30 pm when I get home from work until 11 or so when I go to bed.

I’m still upset about the scale incident, but I’m not going to let it get the better of me. I’m going to focus on whole foods and sound nutritional foods. In two weeks (if I don’t have to get my rash checked out sooner) I’ll stop by the doctor’s office and see what the scale has to say.

Until next time…

Most of the time, I feel that I am committed to a healthy lifestyle, then for some unseen reason, I start stalking the frig. Usually this behavior is something I do in the nocturnal hours (3 pm to midnight) and usually when I’m alone. Last Saturday, I called a friend and we made a “book run” (as she calls it) to Half Price Books and then we made a couple of quick stops at Shopko and Kohls to pick up sale items. This helped a lot, but it’s not something that I can rely on regularly. I need to work this out for myself. Until then, fortunately, there is little of binging value in the house (period) so I just open the frig door, stare inside for 20 seconds and wander off. We do have some chips, 1 bag of cookies and a few cans of ginger ale but so far I’ve been able to pretty much stay away from them. Since the lack of access to junk food seems to be helpful, I’m determined to keep as little as possible in the house. At work we’ve had a dish of caramel Dove chocolates all week and we always have a candy box with a variety of horrible no-no snacks in our break room. Surprisingly, I’ve not even been tempted to snitch any of it. At work, I’m focused on “work”. It’s only when I’m at home that “issues” start clouding my judgment and I reach for something to numb my mind to my worries. This is a long learned coping behavior I need to get under control.

I weighed this morning and found the scale had moved down 1-½ pounds. That’s good. But (isn’t there always a butt) the bad part is I went overboard yesterday and it will probably show up and a few days. I realize, utimately, I am the one who makes these choices even if it’s allowing myself to be out of control. I choose how to deal with the situation. I was awake early enough to eat breakfast at home but i chose not to and I chose to grab a sausage and egg biscuit at McD’s and a large hazelnut iced coffee. My reason was poor. I needed to eat something and I wouldn’t be able to have lunch because I had to meetings back to back and needed to travel during my lunch break. Every nutrition guideline screams that you can’t skip meals and you need to snack. I know that, but I still allowed myself to make this poor choice. The good thing is I took the biscuit apart, ate the egg and sausage and then trashed the bread part after a bite. I did drink the iced coffee, because I’ve found that the coffee acts as an irritant and will assist in a BM (sorry for the TMI). When I finished with my meeting, I ran an errand and then went to the Super Wal-Mart on the way home. I walked about ¾ of the store. Up and down every aisle, particularly the house wares, as I’m looking for organizational tools for the kitchen. I did walk every aisle in the grocery depart (except the liqueur). We have a small Wal-Mart in our town so we can find a lot but it doesn’t have a full grocery dept. just a few aisles. I was sadly unimpressed by the quality of the produce. It really sucked and there wasn’t much of a variety. Our little local grocery store has better quality fruits and vegetables and just as much to choose from. Next time, I’m going to go the Woodman’s. All of my co-workers say they have a much better produce department.

I also stopped by the cemetery to see my parents’ marker. Every week I planned to go but it’s just been too hard. Yesterday I did it. My mom was a wildlife lover and fed all of the birds, squirrels and rabbits that happened by. My dad loved machinery. Any tractor, car or motorcycle that needed to be repaired, he could do it. He loved antique tractors and John Deere’s that most. On the marker, we picked a cardinal for mom and a John Deere tractor for dad. I had seen the marker in pictures given to me by the man who sold us the marker (a friend), but I just hadn’t been able to go to the cemetery. A good friend, who has family buried in the same cemetery, had volunteered to go with me, but I decided the first time I needed to go alone or with my brother. Maybe that’s weird, but it’s how I felt.

 When I got home and put away the groceries I started supper right away. Mashed potatoes, gravy, thin pork chops and green beans. Not the best diet food, but I didn’t really have the energy to make something different for myself. I ate in moderation and tracked it all on the dailyplate.com. Later in the evening we were watching TV and my DB asked if we had any ice cream. I had planned for a treat so I had just a single scoop, about ½ cup. Here’s the bad part…we were watching Hell’s Kitchen the last episode. They had just announced the winner, Christina, and DB turns the channel to check the ending of a show he had already seen, a repeat. He quickly turned back (this is something we both do regularly, channel surfing that is), but our digital TV reception is the pits and we get “NO SIGNAL” messages all the time. (Hate it, Hate it) Well of course it’s a blank screen. I was pissed but bit my tongue and went out into the kitchen and watched it there. Soon after he called to me that he got the reception back, but I called back I’d watch it in the kitchen. I guess that was enough to tick me off. So there I am sitting at the kitchen table with the peanut butter right in front of me. Without even thinking about it, I take a spoon and dip in. Next I grabbed the chocolate chips and got into them, after that a handful of potato chips, more peanut butter dotted with chocolate chips. Next I go to the frig and took a single serving of Buddig ham and ate that. Then I ate the last 170 calorie Slim-a-bear Eskimo ice cream treat.  I get so frustrated when I eat junk like this. I truly wasn’t angry, but there was some other emotion that I wasn’t dealing with. I really wasn’t aware of the emotion at the time, so I don’t know what to label it. Probably frustration. Was I hyper sensative from my visit to the cemetary? Is it a feeling of helplessness? I think that’s closer to the core issue. I have to face facts and deal with not always being able to control circumstances. With this need to have control, in another life, I might have been anorexic. After the fact, I am very aware that this type of emotional eating or non-thinking is what is so counter productive. It undermines all that I’ve been trying to do and then I feel lousy about myself afterwards. I added everything I ate to thedailyplate.com and saw that I had gone over by about 400 calories for the day. As I have my calorie limit adjusted so I can lose 3 pounds a week, this shouldn’t have too big of an impact.  Well today is another day and so far so good…

Some people go ga-ga over gems. For some it’s fancy footwear. Others spend their money on facials, foils and fingernails. A coworker buys Coach purses for $500.00 and the matching wallets for $300.00. (She still has every Coach purse she’s ever bought and proudly exclaims she has ten. I have one, little leather, Fossil purse that’s going on five years old. It cost $40.00. But that’s all a tale for another time).  For me, my splurge is flowers and plants. From an early age I was a true farmer’s daughter, love growing “things” and having pretties on the table.  We have a picture from when I was about 3 years old, wearing saddle shoes and a plaid dress. I was standing in the yard, next to the peonies and had just snitched a big bloom. My mom used to “get after me” about that and never let me forget it as I got older. That was one over the stories she told over and over. Eventfully, my influence must have worn off on her, because she was the one who brought in bridal wreath clippings, lilacs, and yes, peonies for the kitchen table.

Each year, when spring hits and the newspaper circulars start arriving, I begin to twitch with expectation. All that excitement and indecision. What I’m I going to buy? I’ll get one of those and two of that, half a dozen these will be just right….  I try to limit myself to a certain amount but that usually gets forgotten. After all, I don’t go to movies, I’ve stared making my own iced coffee (thanks Hungry-Girl.com for the recipe), I get magazines, DVDs, books (and more) from my local library, and I don’t spend much on vacations. Rather then enjoying something for a week and then it’s over, I prefer to use the money to make my everyday setting look as pretty as possible.

Every spring, usually early May ‘til July 1st, a local greenhouse sets up a temporary location in the corner of a small shopping plaza. Twice a day on my way to and from work, I pass by and have to literally lock my eyes on the road or I’ll stop and snap up a flower or two. On Monday they had put up a 50% off sign, which is hard to refuse, so I stopped and bought a couple of hanging plants, some daisies and a houseplant. Yesterday on my lunch break, I noticed they were dismantling the little greenhouse so I figured by 5 o’clock my daily temptation would be gone. When I passed by on the way home, they still had a tent and lots of plants, but I mastered my will and made it a whole block before I lost the battle and backtracked. I thought I’d just take a peek. At first I didn’t see any prices, and they were loading up the stock. When I spotted the owner I asked, “How much are the plants?” He said, “Those are free and those are free and those are free.” Well how am I to refuse free? Now my next dilemma kicks in. I drive a Firebird, which has a hatchback and basically no cargo/transport space. But as the mantra goes, if there’s a will, there’s a way. I started carrying and then stuffing. When the “trunk” was full, I made use of the passenger seat and floor. Luckily the pots were fairly dry and there was little mess, just a bit of dry dirt to be vacuumed. When I drove away, I checked my rearview mirror and all I could see were blooms. I got a funny visual in my head of the people driving behind me and wondering how much I had spent. Little did they know it was all free!!!!

When I got home, I unloaded everybody and gave them a little drink to tide them over until morning when I could give them a good, healthy soaking. As I was leaving the greenhouse, I thanked the owner. He said “come back again next year and if you know anyone who wants plants, I’m going to leave these carts over night with a sign saying Free Plants”. When I got home I started calling friends and coworkers to share in the bounty. I managed to catch two families home and both later told me they each took home a carload too.

When we were comparing notes about what we took I was able to identify some unfamiliar plants. One hanging basket has hundreds of tiny orange flowers, similar in shape to petunias. Someone said, “that sounds like Million Bells”. We looked it up on the Internet and sure enough, that’s what it is. I also got a climbing plant called “cardinal climber” which attracts hummingbirds. Right now everything is amassed, near our water pump (we live on a farm) waiting to be taken care of. I can’t wait to get them placed or planted. I’m all aquiver just thinking about it!

I’ve always loved the beginning of spring. The trees are leafing out, grass is turning green and flowers are popping their heads up out of the ground. May has also been a happy month because my birthday is May 5th. This year it’s difficult without mom, but I’m really working hard at remembering the good times.

Every year, I’ve planned to bring in a May Day plant or flowers for my assistant, but I’m usually in a rush and run out of time. Today was different. The local grocery store has Gerbera Daisy plants on sale this week for 4.99 so I went into work early and stopped by the store on the way. My assistant was quite surprised when she saw them on her desk. It made me very happy to have put the small effort out to make someone’s day. I had thought about picking up a plant for my desk as well, but I still have the Gerbera Daisy my mom and I bought about a month before she passed away. It’s still kinda difficult to look at it. The flip side of the day is the old saying “what goes around, comes around” turned out to be very true today. I received a gift bag filled with tissue paper and a pretty little pot of pansies from a friend who had recently dealt with a major illness but never seems to forget the niceties of life. The same friend surprised me several weeks ago by sending a dozen roses to my work. She’s the kind of person I always see myself as being but don’t always make the mark. Then the 2^nd round of “what goes around, comes around” happened when a co-worker (who had received a small bouquet from a customer) insisted I take her flowers home.  When I’m feeling down or when I “plan” to do a good deed but don’t follow through I need to remember this day.

It’s just been a little more than 4 months since my mom passed and tomorrow would have been her birthday. I’ve been thinking a lot about her. I was beginning to remember or think of her during better times. Lately the memories from the days in the hospital and everything that happened during the last year have been more in my focus.  Last night I was at a meeting and someone mentioned Christmas and it just came back to me that she never got to celebrate Christmas in 2006 due to a hospitalization and then she died before Christmas 2007. I started to tear up and had to struggle to keep it together so everyone didn’t start asking questions or the water works would have taken over for sure. I didn’t know if I was going to be any good at work, but then again, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be home alone all day either. I decided to split the difference and work half the day and go home early. We never did a lot to celebrate birthdays but we usually bought a little gift for each other. Sometimes we didn’t even wrap it but it was the thought that counts. We both enjoyed flowers and plants, so I would often pick up a little something at the grocery store. I think tomorrow I’ll see if I can find a pot of daisies or a mini rose. That will be a nice tradition to care on.

I haven’t posted in a long time. My mother passed away unexpectedly in November. Although she had serious health issues, we thought we were on top of things. She had a serious heart attack and a few days later she was gone. Most of the time my mind is still in a muddle. I’m coping fairly well, but then I have no other choice. My mom was the kind of person that almost never gave into the situation. You take some time to mourn, then you do what needs to be done. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned from her. I’m doing my best to use the lessons I’ve learned from my parents. People always say you never know what you have until you no longer have it. (Don’t cry, don’t cry.) I’m writing this post as a way of getting my blogging feet wet again. I need to take a little time and get my thoughts in order and then I’ll be back to get to work on me.

I’ve been having a small set back. At least I hope it’s small. I’ve seemed to be losing some of my motivation. Perhaps I’m getting a little bored with my routine. I don’t know. I do know I need to get back on track. Each day I don’t move forward will set me back and before I know it will be spring and I’ll be in the same place.

I was doing really well for about 2 ½ or 3 months, and then I seemed to lose my ambition when it came to tracking my food. My feet have been hurting, so I’ve not really gotten started with exercising at all. My main focus has been to work on being mindful, mindful breathing and meditation. Now I just need to get back and work on being mindful when it comes to eating.

I had stopped eating breakfast, which is a big no-no. (Ya, ya, I know it’s what sets the tone for your metabolism, etc.)  Yesterday I watched Oprah with Dr. Christiane Northrup speaking about menopause, the symptoms and how women 35+ can have better health. There it was again, stay away from “white” foods and eat a breakfast with a good amount of protein. You don’t need to beat me over the head (well…not more than a couple of times) to get the message through to me. This morning I had some yogurt and mixed in some soy protein powder and flax seed oil (bleech, note to self “next time mix the protein powder into a shake or smoothie”, it was like wallpaper paste.) After eating that weird concoction I realized it wouldn’t hold me to late morning so I also had a slice of toast with just a dab of peanut butter, small glass of orange juice and a couple of spoons of cottage cheese. I think I covered the protein angle pretty well. I added the calories of everything and I was surprised to see that it was almost 400 calories. Today I won’t be able to have lunch until almost 1:30 so I should have a snack soon. I’ve got some fruit yogurt in the staff frig. I’ll pop down and have half a carton just to keep me going.

 I’m feeling a bit better about things now. I guess taking the time to journal out what’s happening is a good thing! Another goal I need to follow up on making better use of this blog.

A year ago I came across a website called Flylady.com. The site turned out to be an quite interesting as it talks about how to break up your household tasks in 15 minute segments to allow you to get the work down while not burning out with the thought of being chained to a dirty house. After some time I forgot about it, then about two months ago I came across it again. This time the site was featuring a new book called “Body clutter”. A very strange title if I may say so, but once you get into the book, it’s clear where the title comes from. I borrowed the book from my library and got busy reading. This book is wonderful! It was so eye opening and really made me realize that there are lots of people dealing with similar issues.

Every night before bed I read a chapter and then wrote in my journal for a bit. I found one of the most helpful parts of the book was doing what is called journaling “hard and fast”. It’s a process of answering a series of questions by writing them in a notebook. I read each question individually, and then quickly without thinking about the answer or phrasing it in my head, I just started writing. Write fast and without premeditation. I was amazed at some of the issues that were revealed. It was so eye opening and extremely insightful. I found myself journaling about things that I thought were long forgotten or didn’t realize at the time, they would still be a problem some 30 years later. Hmmm. I was hooked.

Every night I was eager go to bed so I could continue to read and see were the journaling would lead me. The process was so positive that I’ve recommended the book to 3 co-workers. Although the book is geared for people who are dealing with losing weight, there is a very strong element of learning to love one’s self. That is one of my issues. As kooky as it sounds, reading this book helped me to realize that I need to be taking care of myself. I need to appreciate and respect myself. Love myself and be ok with “me” where ever I’m at in the process.

The message is not new, but for whatever reason, this time it hit home with me. When I finished the book (and two notebooks worth of journaling) I realized that I do love myself! I’ve put into action my “good intentions” to eat better, nutrition rich foods starting with breakfast and including snacks to keep my metabolism going. I’m staying away from soda and although exercise is my biggest obstacle, I’m parking further from work and I’m finding ways of keeping myself from becoming a weekend couch potato.

Since finishing “Body Clutter” I continue to look forward to reading before bed. I’ve recently finished “You on a diet” by Dr. Oz (frequent Oprah guest). “You” is a different caliber of book as it speaks of specific medical facts and issues. There are tons of medical and scientific names for body parts, descriptions of how the body uses food and nutrients and although it is as motivating as “BC”, it’s a little slower reading. “You” is exactly what I need to understand the bad things I’ve been doing to myself and to learn how to treat myself better! The back of the book contains a 14-day diet, however I’m working on counting calories, fat, fiber and trying to drink lots of water.  The book I’m currently reading is “Shrink yourself: break free from emotional eating forever” by Roger Gould M.D. I’m just getting to the section that has the reader work on specific issues.

 I began working towards a better me on July 7^th. My scale weighs up to 400 lbs and at first it just said “Errr”  so I’m not sure about my real starting weight. It took a few weeks before I could use the scale and I’m now down to 381. So far I’ve noticed my clothes fit better, I feel more comfortable in my car (it’s a Firebird), my wrists are thinner and I’ve lost some of my double chin.

When I set up this blog I was determined to update it atleast weekly, then life happened… My mom has had a series of medical issues since December 23, 2006. She started out with pneumonia just before Christmas so we spent a week in the hospital while she steadily got worse. (One day I’ll write a post about it and share why it’s soooo important to get a second opinion.) She had two major UTIs, we discovered she had colon polyps and a bleeding ulcer all ontop of diabetes and poorly functioning kidneys.  Anyway, we’ve been dealing with these medical issues ever since. Yesterday, we had an appointment with the doctor and for the first time since the beginning of the whole ordeal, we finally can look forward to “tomorrow”. Her condition has stabilized and dare I say, it’s a little better. For the last 8 months I was afraid to make any plans or be too hopeful. While we lived through 3 hospitalizations, 3 weeks of rehabilitation (a week following each hosptial stay) and then twice weekly rehab sessions because she was so weak from lying flat in bed for so long, multiple doctor’s appointments, medicine changes and then dealing with the bills as they filed in.  She’s 76 years old and been through the wringer but she still cooks, shops, drives… My mom is an amazing women with a strong will and has always had the ability to move through any crisis without falling apart. Thank goodness someone held it together.

Over the last months, I realized how badly out of shape I was and that I need to  start working on getting myself fit. Since July 7th I’ve been watching what I eat, reading tons of health and nutrition info, journaling everyday and working on being a more positive person who lives each day to the fullest. After going through something like this you realize why you need to find the good in everyday and keep positive