Finding the Real Me

Thanks to a zpak, I’m finally over the cold or whatever I had.  I still have a remaining cough, but I feel tons better.  Of course, for the past little while my diet and exercise have been nonexistant.  And I’m totally back in my emotional funk…which was made extremely worse by stupid texts sent by me to a stupid boy last night while I was overly intoxicated.  Still not sure the total amount of damage done, but oh well.  The only good news is that the texts weren’t sent to cute boy, thank goodness.  Of course he didn’t help my funk last night because I thought he stood me up, but it turns out his mom was in the hospital.  So I spent part of the night pissed at him and hurt, part of the night cynical that his mom really was in the hospital, and the rest of the night mad at myself for doubting him.

But today is a new day and so far so good.  I’m going to check out a new gym tonight and hopefully join.  It’s supposedly an amazing price and I won’t have to sign a contract, so I won’t be locked in to paying for a membership if I end up not going.  Not that I’m planning on not going.  I just like not having to sign a contract.  Plus a friend is thinking of joining with me so that should be the motivation I need to get my butt to the gym. 

After a so-so weekend and excessive amounts of alcohol Monday night, I’m back on track.  I am determined to stay on track this time. 

Thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement.  I think I’m finally climbing out of my funk.  I think the longer I continue to go through the motions of being happy, I’m actually getting there…the whole ”acting as if” theory.  And I met a cute boy Monday night, so that greatly improved my mood :)  Who knows if it will go anywhere, but at least it’s a start. 

I’m having another blah day and they are getting old fast.  I absolutely hate the moods I’ve been in lately, yet have no idea how to snap out of them.  And I feel like all I seem to do is complain, and I don’t like that either.

So, to focus on the positive…last night I was supposed to go walking with a friend after work.  She ended up getting caught up with something at work and couldn’t leave.  Normally, I would have thought ‘oh, well’ and gone home and probably sat on the couch for the rest of the night.  Instead, I called another friend and suggested tennis.  Even though I completely suck at it, it is fun and doesn’t feel like exercise.  And, because I’m bad at it, I just go out and have fun with it.  I get the chance to laugh at myself instead of getting all competitive and caught up with who’s winning or losing.  And, luckily this time wasn’t as frustrating as the last.   

Tonight is a new episode of Work Out.  I can’t wait…it usually motivates me a little bit.  I’m just afraid that this season is going to have way too much drama.  And I’m anxious to see how they handle the new group of Sky Lab people.  Last season it seemed to be with alot of compassion and no real judgment…I hope that continues this season.  Cos there’s nothing worse than having people who it seems have never had a weight problem trying to tell overweight people all the stuff they’re doing wrong.  At least Jesse sort of knows where they’re coming from.     

I was able to stick to the NS plan completely yesterday…here’s on to day 2 on the plan.  So far the food has been pretty good, and I’m adding in a good bit of fresh fruit and veggies and lowfat dairy.  This week I’m focusing on getting in all my water because I’d become a little bit lazy with it. 

I am hungry right now (it’s around 10:00 am) and was hungry yesterday.  The good news is that the meals fill you up, but you get that empty stomach feeling right around time for the next meal or snack.  But, I’m taking it as a good sign…I’m experiencing actual, real hunger and it’s actually a good thing…ha.

 Another plus to the plan is that starting something new has re-energized me and taken away some of the blah I’d been in.  I just hope I can keep up the motivation and excitement and don’t get back into the permanent funk I’d found myself in.     

This post is going to be completely random because I’m feeling rather random right now….

• I still feel kinda blah.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions lately and not really present in the moment, if that makes any sense.  I had a migraine a few days ago…I’m still blaming it for the brain fog I find myself in.
• I’m going to the beach in a month (at least that’s the plan right now).  I’ve NEVER been the kind to shy away from wearing a bathing suit, no matter what my size.  But, I’m afraid this year is going to be different.  I’m feeling much more self conscious lately.  Not sure why I feel worse about my body now than I did even when I was heavier.
• I’m so glad that Ali won Biggest Loser last night.
• I’m also glad the new season of Work Out started last night…it is totally an addiction for me.
• Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve lost and gained the same 4 lbs more times than I care to count…UGH!!!!  I wish they would just leave and stay gone.
• The guy and I are actually working on being friends.  So far it’s going pretty good.  I just hope it keeps going that way and I don’t end up confused and more hurt in the end.
• I didn’t type this in all lower case, but when it published it, it came out that way.  Weird! 

At least that’s something.  I did horribly last week and over the weekend.  I’ve been in a funk and just no longer cared about what I ate.  Some days I went most of the day without eating and other days I couldn’t seem to stop eating.  I was supposed to weigh in today but couldn’t bring myself to step on the scale.  I’m just not used to feeling like this.  I’ve never had this long of a period of this intense sadness before.  I don’t know if is grief over my mom or heartbreak, or the combo of both hitting at once.  I just know I can’t keep feeling like this.

But, I’m here and determined to get myself out of this mood I’m in and back to eating better and taking care of myself.  I ordered TurboJam and it should arrive by the end of the week.  So, hopefully it will be just the kick in the butt I need to get back on an exercise schedule.    And, maybe it will have the added bonus of being a stress reliever and help with my mood.

My biggest weakness is ice cream…and chocolate…so any ice cream including chocolate is like crack!  Last night I was craving a blizzard from DQ, the one with chunks of brownie pieces.  It’s been a while since I had a craving that bad.  But, I didn’t give in and I didn’t get it…YAY me!!!

Then I got to thinking of why I’d have such an intense craving.  I think part of it is because I set a goal yesterday.  Seems like every time I resign myself to doing well, setting goals, and working towards achieving them, I self sabotage.  Why, why, why????  Why do I become my own worst enemy.  I honestly want to be healthy, I want to be thin (or at least thinner), and I want to finally like what I see in the mirror.  So why would I try to derail that?  Not to get too Dr. Phil, but what benefit do I gain from sabotaging myself and causing myself to fail?

Part of it may be that I’ve NEVER been thin, at least not since the 3rd grade.  So, I have no clue what it would be like to be healthier, thinner.  Will I feel different, will my personality change, will it change how I interact with people, will it change how people view me?  Maybe the fear of the unknown is so strong that my subconscious would rather stay the way it’s always been than risk becoming someone new.  But part of me knows that I’ll still be the same person if I lose the weight.  I don’t have the delusion that all of the sudden my life will be perfect if I reach a size __…or maybe secretly, deep down I do. 

So I’m still working on why I’m sabotaging myself, but at least I recognize that I’m doing it.  Hopefully, the more I recognize it, the better I’ll be able to stop it.  Maybe the answer to “why” will come in time.        

Well, not exactly…but now all I can picture is that scene in Anger Management.  At least it made me smile. 

 The truth is that I’ve never felt pretty.  I’ve never felt beautiful or attractive.  The guy and I recently had a long heart to heart on why things didn’t work.  According to him, it all comes down to him not being attracted to me.  My greatest fear and all my insecurities realized.  He said everything else was there…all the feelings he has for me, how much he cares and likes me, how much he likes my personality, how great we get along, how much I understand him, how he only feels like he can be himself with me, blah, blah, blah…he just isn’t attracted to me.  Wow, never thought I could hurt this much.  And the worst part is that I can’t even be mad at him because he was honest and sincere and even apologized for hurting me.

I’m going home for Easter and I’m worried because it will be the first holiday without my mom…and then comes Mother’s Day, which I’m not sure I can handle right now.  Add to that the fact that the guy now wants to confide in me about the girl he’s currently dating, and I think I may be close to having an emotional breakdown.  The guy has completely destroyed my self esteem and taken away any feelings of self worth I had, and now he wants to be friends.  It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic.  And the worst part is that his friendship is what I miss the most…what I need the most from him.  He was never cruel or intentionally mean or hurtful, but that doesn’t make the pain any less. 

Eating is surprisingly about the only going right for me right now.  The past few days on WW have been great.    I just hope the initial great feeling doesn’t wear off and lead me to a binge.  But for now, I’m making great choices…choosing veggies over other stuff, eating healthy snacks during the day to keep from getting too hungry, and not totally depriving myself of the stuff I really want.  WW is all about priorities and choices.  You get to have anything you want, but you soon learn that having a ton of veggies is much more satisfying and filling than having a blizzard.  But, because having a blizzard is always an option and never forbidden, it’s a little less tempting than normal.

I usually pride myself on being in control of my emotions.  I’m usually pretty laid back, don’t let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  But lately I’ve been through two major emotional storms (my mom past away and a guy I’m totally in love with broke my heart), so I’ve been completely out of control.  My emotions are still all over the place, but I’ve got to get refocused on my health, which has just been getting worse due to all that’s been going on.  Eating healthy and exercising have been the last of my priorities lately, but I have to start taking better care of myself.  Hopefully eating better and taking care of myself will help get me out of this depression I’ve found myself in.  My emotional health will take awhile to get better, but at least I can do something now to get my physical health on the right track.  So, here’s to starting over and getting back on track.