Finding the Real Me

I ended up not making it to the gym last night but it’s only because a friend has some coupons that will save us some money on the registration fees, so I want to get the coupon before I go.  But, I did do a 2 miles walk around the “lake,” so that was great.  It’s amazing how I’m becoming more and more outdoorsy…it’s a word right…lol. 

Now I just have to refocus on eating healthy again.  Today has been pretty good, not perfect but an improvement over the past few weeks. 

In other news, turns out the drunk texting didn’t do too much damage.  Still waiting on cute boy to ask me out.  He’s supposed to be figuring out what he has going on the rest of this week and next week and then he’ll get back to me.  So I have to wait patiently and try not to obsess…which is nearly impossible for me, but I’m trying.  I’m trying really hard Katie I swear

Thanks to a zpak, I’m finally over the cold or whatever I had.  I still have a remaining cough, but I feel tons better.  Of course, for the past little while my diet and exercise have been nonexistant.  And I’m totally back in my emotional funk…which was made extremely worse by stupid texts sent by me to a stupid boy last night while I was overly intoxicated.  Still not sure the total amount of damage done, but oh well.  The only good news is that the texts weren’t sent to cute boy, thank goodness.  Of course he didn’t help my funk last night because I thought he stood me up, but it turns out his mom was in the hospital.  So I spent part of the night pissed at him and hurt, part of the night cynical that his mom really was in the hospital, and the rest of the night mad at myself for doubting him.

But today is a new day and so far so good.  I’m going to check out a new gym tonight and hopefully join.  It’s supposedly an amazing price and I won’t have to sign a contract, so I won’t be locked in to paying for a membership if I end up not going.  Not that I’m planning on not going.  I just like not having to sign a contract.  Plus a friend is thinking of joining with me so that should be the motivation I need to get my butt to the gym. 

The trip to the beach was amazing.  It rained Thursday and Friday, but that just allowed plenty of time to shop :)  Then the weather Saturday and Sunday was awesome and more than made up for the bad weather the first 2 days.  Other than the migraine I had on the way home yesterday (and the residual I have now) it was a great trip. 

So far so good today.  I’m back on track and committed to finally losing the weight once and for all.  I’m going to take it one day, one meal at a time.   I did a lot of thinking and soul searching on this trip (probably the reason for the migraine…lol) and am really determined this time. 

Cute boy is supposed to call today so we can plan a time this week to get together.  It’s been 2 weeks since we met.  There’s been lots of texting but no phone calls yet, so we’ll see if he actually calls and what happens. 

Unfortunately, there’s not a lot to report right now because there’s not much going on.  I’m still trying to stick to NS as much as I can, and eating sensibly when I do go out.  But, I haven’t been exercising like I should.  I really need to get back on that.

Yesterday I had a small victory…I left food on my plate!!  That may not seem like much to some people, but as a lifetime member of the clean plate club, it was HUGE for me.  I actually stopped eating when I was full…imagine that…HA.  I guess either NS really does teach portion control or it at least makes you realize that you get full on much less food than you normally eat (which I guess is the definition of portion control).

As far as the cute boy goes, we’ve been texting everyday, but haven’t made plans to meet again yet.  We tried to make plans for last night, but things didn’t quite come together.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to do something this weekend because I’m going to be gone most of the week next week.  

After a so-so weekend and excessive amounts of alcohol Monday night, I’m back on track.  I am determined to stay on track this time. 

Thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement.  I think I’m finally climbing out of my funk.  I think the longer I continue to go through the motions of being happy, I’m actually getting there…the whole ”acting as if” theory.  And I met a cute boy Monday night, so that greatly improved my mood :)  Who knows if it will go anywhere, but at least it’s a start. 

This post is going to be completely random because I’m feeling rather random right now….

• I still feel kinda blah.  I feel like I’m just going through the motions lately and not really present in the moment, if that makes any sense.  I had a migraine a few days ago…I’m still blaming it for the brain fog I find myself in.
• I’m going to the beach in a month (at least that’s the plan right now).  I’ve NEVER been the kind to shy away from wearing a bathing suit, no matter what my size.  But, I’m afraid this year is going to be different.  I’m feeling much more self conscious lately.  Not sure why I feel worse about my body now than I did even when I was heavier.
• I’m so glad that Ali won Biggest Loser last night.
• I’m also glad the new season of Work Out started last night…it is totally an addiction for me.
• Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve lost and gained the same 4 lbs more times than I care to count…UGH!!!!  I wish they would just leave and stay gone.
• The guy and I are actually working on being friends.  So far it’s going pretty good.  I just hope it keeps going that way and I don’t end up confused and more hurt in the end.
• I didn’t type this in all lower case, but when it published it, it came out that way.  Weird! 

Well, not exactly…but now all I can picture is that scene in Anger Management.  At least it made me smile. 

 The truth is that I’ve never felt pretty.  I’ve never felt beautiful or attractive.  The guy and I recently had a long heart to heart on why things didn’t work.  According to him, it all comes down to him not being attracted to me.  My greatest fear and all my insecurities realized.  He said everything else was there…all the feelings he has for me, how much he cares and likes me, how much he likes my personality, how great we get along, how much I understand him, how he only feels like he can be himself with me, blah, blah, blah…he just isn’t attracted to me.  Wow, never thought I could hurt this much.  And the worst part is that I can’t even be mad at him because he was honest and sincere and even apologized for hurting me.

I’m going home for Easter and I’m worried because it will be the first holiday without my mom…and then comes Mother’s Day, which I’m not sure I can handle right now.  Add to that the fact that the guy now wants to confide in me about the girl he’s currently dating, and I think I may be close to having an emotional breakdown.  The guy has completely destroyed my self esteem and taken away any feelings of self worth I had, and now he wants to be friends.  It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic.  And the worst part is that his friendship is what I miss the most…what I need the most from him.  He was never cruel or intentionally mean or hurtful, but that doesn’t make the pain any less. 

Eating is surprisingly about the only going right for me right now.  The past few days on WW have been great.    I just hope the initial great feeling doesn’t wear off and lead me to a binge.  But for now, I’m making great choices…choosing veggies over other stuff, eating healthy snacks during the day to keep from getting too hungry, and not totally depriving myself of the stuff I really want.  WW is all about priorities and choices.  You get to have anything you want, but you soon learn that having a ton of veggies is much more satisfying and filling than having a blizzard.  But, because having a blizzard is always an option and never forbidden, it’s a little less tempting than normal.

I usually pride myself on being in control of my emotions.  I’m usually pretty laid back, don’t let things get to me, and just go with the flow.  But lately I’ve been through two major emotional storms (my mom past away and a guy I’m totally in love with broke my heart), so I’ve been completely out of control.  My emotions are still all over the place, but I’ve got to get refocused on my health, which has just been getting worse due to all that’s been going on.  Eating healthy and exercising have been the last of my priorities lately, but I have to start taking better care of myself.  Hopefully eating better and taking care of myself will help get me out of this depression I’ve found myself in.  My emotional health will take awhile to get better, but at least I can do something now to get my physical health on the right track.  So, here’s to starting over and getting back on track.