This past weekend I went to the Cherry Blossom Festival in Macon, Ga. The festival was great, but what wasn’t so great was the festival food. You know what I mean, so let’s not go into details…lol. I honestly didn’t do as bad as I could have done, so at least that’s something. And, I’m back on track today, so that’s even better.
A few posts ago I admitted to relying on the scales too much. Someone just posted a comment on the post…thanks…and it reminded me that I need to put the scale away again. I did well for awhile, but since I’ve gained back weight, I’ve gone back to stepping on the scale every day. Since the focus of this whole new lifestyle should be health rather than weight loss, I’m putting the scale away again. I’m only going to weigh myself every other week…so no weigh in this Monday. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to lose weight and 160 is still my b-day goal. But, I want the focus to be on getting healthy, not on the number on the scale. As long as I’m eating the right things and feeling better, who cares what stupid number is on the scale!
I have the munchies and can’t seem to get rid of the cravings I’m having. Not sure what’s going on. It’s not that TOM, so I have no reason to be having the cravings I’m having. The only thing I can think of is because I’m on CORE instead of FLEX on WW. Core is a little more restrictive than Flex, so maybe I’m missing all the snacky type foods allowed more on Flex…idk. But, I know I don’t need all the processed crap from the snacky foods even if they are low in calories and fat. Getting away from them is part of the reason I switched to Core. So, why am I now craving them???
My biggest weakness is ice cream…and chocolate…so any ice cream including chocolate is like crack! Last night I was craving a blizzard from DQ, the one with chunks of brownie pieces. It’s been a while since I had a craving that bad. But, I didn’t give in and I didn’t get it…YAY me!!!
Then I got to thinking of why I’d have such an intense craving. I think part of it is because I set a goal yesterday. Seems like every time I resign myself to doing well, setting goals, and working towards achieving them, I self sabotage. Why, why, why???? Why do I become my own worst enemy. I honestly want to be healthy, I want to be thin (or at least thinner), and I want to finally like what I see in the mirror. So why would I try to derail that? Not to get too Dr. Phil, but what benefit do I gain from sabotaging myself and causing myself to fail?
Part of it may be that I’ve NEVER been thin, at least not since the 3rd grade. So, I have no clue what it would be like to be healthier, thinner. Will I feel different, will my personality change, will it change how I interact with people, will it change how people view me? Maybe the fear of the unknown is so strong that my subconscious would rather stay the way it’s always been than risk becoming someone new. But part of me knows that I’ll still be the same person if I lose the weight. I don’t have the delusion that all of the sudden my life will be perfect if I reach a size __…or maybe secretly, deep down I do.
So I’m still working on why I’m sabotaging myself, but at least I recognize that I’m doing it. Hopefully, the more I recognize it, the better I’ll be able to stop it. Maybe the answer to “why” will come in time.
I just realized that it’s basically 25 weeks until my birthday. I figure at 2 lbs a week, losing 50 lbs by my birthday is a realistic and completely reachable goal. So, here’s to being 160 lbs when I turn 31…can’t think of a better birthday present to myself. I honestly can’t remember the last time I weighed 160. It’s hard to even imagine what 160 even looks like, but I’m looking forward to finding out 
Well, not exactly…but now all I can picture is that scene in Anger Management. At least it made me smile.
The truth is that I’ve never felt pretty. I’ve never felt beautiful or attractive. The guy and I recently had a long heart to heart on why things didn’t work. According to him, it all comes down to him not being attracted to me. My greatest fear and all my insecurities realized. He said everything else was there…all the feelings he has for me, how much he cares and likes me, how much he likes my personality, how great we get along, how much I understand him, how he only feels like he can be himself with me, blah, blah, blah…he just isn’t attracted to me. Wow, never thought I could hurt this much. And the worst part is that I can’t even be mad at him because he was honest and sincere and even apologized for hurting me.
This week I’ve decided to try the Core program on WW, just to change things up a bit and see how it works. Basically, you’re allowed to eat from certain lists of food without having to track them or count the points. Then, you’re still given a reserve of points for other things that aren’t included on the lists. So, you still have the freedom to eat what you want, but you don’t have to track every single thing you eat. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m sure we’ve all seen the commercials going around about Weight Watchers not being a diet. It really isn’t, at least it’s not what we typically think of when we hear the word “diet.” We normally think of deprivation…of an entire list of yummy foods that we can never ever ever have again. With WW, nothing is forbidden. You just have to make good choices and plan for the higher calorie/fat things you want to eat. For example, so far this week I’ve had rice crispy treats, green beer on St. Patrick’s Day, a yummy O’Charley’s roll, steak, and sports bar food. And, I’ve been out to eat with friends at least 3 times this week. All of that would have been impossible on another diet. It would have all been forbidden and having any of it would have made me feel like I was cheating and would have led to a full blown binge. But, with WW I counted the points for everything I ate and worked in everything I wanted to eat. I planned ahead and made conscious decisions on what I should and shouldn’t eat. I don’t feel like I’ve cheated or like I’ve been bad. And I definitely don’t feel like I’ve been deprived of anything because I’m “dieting.”
I’m going home for Easter and I’m worried because it will be the first holiday without my mom…and then comes Mother’s Day, which I’m not sure I can handle right now. Add to that the fact that the guy now wants to confide in me about the girl he’s currently dating, and I think I may be close to having an emotional breakdown. The guy has completely destroyed my self esteem and taken away any feelings of self worth I had, and now he wants to be friends. It would be funny if it weren’t so tragic. And the worst part is that his friendship is what I miss the most…what I need the most from him. He was never cruel or intentionally mean or hurtful, but that doesn’t make the pain any less.
Eating is surprisingly about the only going right for me right now. The past few days on WW have been great. I just hope the initial great feeling doesn’t wear off and lead me to a binge. But for now, I’m making great choices…choosing veggies over other stuff, eating healthy snacks during the day to keep from getting too hungry, and not totally depriving myself of the stuff I really want. WW is all about priorities and choices. You get to have anything you want, but you soon learn that having a ton of veggies is much more satisfying and filling than having a blizzard. But, because having a blizzard is always an option and never forbidden, it’s a little less tempting than normal.
So, I signed up for WW again. But, this time I’m only doing it online. I signed up for 3 months and am determined to be dedicated for those 3 months. Hopefully, by the time the 3 months are up, all of this will be habit and I’ll have lost enough to stay motivated and stick with it. I rejoined because I need the accountability (even if it’s just to the computer) of writing everything down and keeping track of it all. I need to be more aware of what I eat and hopefully this will help with that.
