Finding the Real Me

Turns out that I’m more of an emotional eater than I realized.  My mom is currently in the hospital.  We’re now going on the 3rd week.  For the first week, she was in CCU and I went home to be there the entire week.  And I gained about 10 lbs in the process.  I ate to calm my nerves, to comfort me, to keep my mind off things that were happening, to make myself feel better, to make me feel numb.  I ate at home because it was there, and I ate at the hospital because I was bored and wanted to focus on food instead of the reality of what was going on.  Going to the cafeteria got me out of the room for a minute and provided a distraction.

I now have to get off what I’ve gained and work on losing the rest.  The time to get healthy is now and I’ve wasted too much time losing weight and gaining it back.  My mom had a stroke and I don’t want to be in her position when I’m her age if there’s something I can do to prevent it.  I have no control over genetics and what diseases I’m predisposed to getting.  But I do have control over what I put in my body and how much exercise I get. 

I went to lunch with a friend today.  What I ate was really good and actually pretty good for me…grilled fish, salad, veggies.  But, even with this healthy food, I had the same problem I always seem to have…I ate WAY too much of it.  I was miserable but kept eating, kept shoving it in.  Why do I do that?  Why make myself almost sick and keep eating?  I still feel so full that I feel bloated and sick and it’s hours later.

 This has always been my problem with food.  I simply eat too much.  I’m not an emotional eater.  Usually I can’t even eat anything if I’m really upset.  I don’t always make the best food choices, but I don’t eat a lot of junk food either.  Over all I eat pretty healthy food.  But even eating healthy food in excess is bad for me.  I just can’t seem to stop.  I simply love the taste of food.  I don’t stop when I’m full…I don’t even stop when I’m stuffed.  I want the next bite.  I can’t fathom leaving food behind, wasting it.  I truly belong to the clean plate club.  I always want just one more bite, one last taste.  I’m looking forward to the next bite so much that I’m not even really enjoying the current bite.

My goal for the next week is to leave something behind at every meal.  Force myself to leave at least one bite, not clean my plate.  Hopefully, as the week progresses, I’ll be leaving more and more behind on the plate.  But, for now, at least leaving one bite is a start. 

I’ve decided to put away the scale, at least for a little while.  I’ve realized that I rely on it way too much.  My mood and attitude is totally dependent on what it says.  Over the past week the scale has fluctuated up and down at least three pounds.  I know I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do eating and exercise wise, but I’m letting the scale tell me if I’m being “good” or “bad.”  No more.  The scale is going away for a while.  I’m going to focus on eating healthy and exercising everyday.  I’ll pull the scale out eventually, but for now I’m going to focus on how I feel and not on how the scale tells me I should feel.