“Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.” from Love in the Time of Cholera, by Gabriel García Márquez, p.165
Holy crap. I don’t even know what to say, really. It’s been 10 days since my last post.. and it feels like it’s been weeks, if not months. I feel I’m a whole new person compared to a week and a half ago. Let me start at the beginning…
The week of the 24th of August was an okay week. After my weigh-in on Friday, the 29th, I was still at 248. Which was okay, I told myself, because I didn’t really try that hard last week. So although I didn’t lose any pounds, I didn’t gain any, either, so that’s a good thing.
Remember how excited I was to hit 245? Well, I weighed myself in this morning, at.. wait for it…. 244.5 Awesome! I’m throwing that .5 in there because look at that! 244! Exercising is getting easier, although I think the biggest improvement I’ve made so far is that it’s a lot harder to talk myself out of sticking to this. Considering I’m the hugest procrastinator.. that’s a big deal!
Food isn’t really an issue anymore, kinda. If I find myself craving something bad, it’s getting pretty easy to coach myself out of that craving. I’m also finding it easier if I don’t plan three meals, but graze all day. That’s best anyway, isn’t it? Some fruit here, a hard boiled egg there, some almonds, broccoli, spinach, some peanut butter. I’m using the information provided at SparkPeople.com to educate myself about nutrients, vitamins, and other values in food. My one weakness, I’m seeing, is that I tend to not really eat enough calories a day. I’ve seen on the Biggest Loser that eating too little can also be detrimental to weight loss, but I’m always up quite late at night, so my schedule is a little off. Not to mention I haven’t been able to stomach most foods this week…..
Can I start at the beginning? I think if I write this all out, it will help me make some sense of it all. The worst part of all this is that I feel like I’m a statistic. Boy cheats on fat girl, spurs girl into losing 100lbs. But hey.. I guess… if you’re going to be any statistic, may as well be that one! Here’s hoping I fulfill that.
So anyway, this life change is all thanks to Facebook. Without that website, and a random girl I don’t even know, none of this would have happened. For her I am eternally grateful. I was online one day when I got a notification that some girl had made a comment on a photo of me (I was tagged in a photo in one of my friend’s albums.. a terrible picture from forever ago.. just a random shot of us hanging out in the living room of my apartment). She was asking my friend why my bf was in the picture. I thought this was a little odd, so I asked the bf who she was and why she would be asking. He told me he dated one of her friends a while ago, when we were broken up for a bit. He seemed to want to end the conversation pretty quickly, which I though was suspicious but I hate to press it so I left it alone. I figured, the more I know, the more I’ll want to know. And I didn’t think I wanted to know.
Hold on to your hats for some “He Said, She Said!” I’m sorry.
I noticed that this random girl was friends on the site with one of my best friends (whom I shall call J), an acquaintance (a friend of J, let’s call her A), and my cousin (C). It happened I was seeing J a day or two later, so I asked her if she knew this girl. Apparently they worked together forever ago, but weren’t really friendly nowadays. I told her about my conversation with the bf, as well that I wasn’t going to push the issue.
I got a text from J the next day. Apparently she was with A, and they had been talking about it. She told me she had the story, and I wasn’t going to like it. The bf was out of the house, at his parents’ place for dinner, and then out to see an old friend (or so he’ll have me believe). When J and I talked on the phone, she told me that my bf had another girlfriend (who we’ll call B), and he was telling her he lived with his sister. Which is so convenient for him because his sister and I have the same name! They dated when the bf and I broke up last year for a few months, and they lived together. Lived together! Tells me that they knew each other beforehand, don’t you think? You don’t really move in with someone too soon after meeting them, right?
Sorry if I get a little bitter. This only happened the beginning of this week, and I’m still working through it. Writing it out is definitely helping.
I always accused him of being in his own little world. Now I feel like I was the one in my own little world, for having not seen this happening. While J and I are on the phone, and I’m learning all this, the bf calls, upset because apparently he’s getting phone calls from “angry ex-gfs” and why are we “stirring shit up”. The girls relayed a message from B asking me if the bf is always texting on his phone when he’s with me, because I guess the two of them are always texting. And, yeah, of course he was. Constantly. As my friends were inquiring into this whole charade, calling B and asking her what the deal was, she and my bf were texting and talking. Which makes me wonder why he came back to me? And why did he stay? If he talked to her so much more.. Not like I care enough to know the answers… I just want to put this behind me.
A little background… We have been dating for nearly three years. And living together for nearly the same length of time, which, I know, makes me a hypocrite for criticising them moving in so fast, but, I guess that’s how he operates. He’s good at manipulating people, so good I’m already having trouble staying mad at him, because although he’s out of the picture completely, I don’t get my keys back until Wednesday. We hadn’t had sex in a while, or good sex in forever. I have a very high sex drive, so this was making me go insane. I’m blind and dumb to have believed his “120% into work” speeches. I felt as though I was having to deal with the -20% whenever he did come home, because we rarely talked, or made eye contact. Brutal.
He says that I cheated on him first, which makes no sense that he’s using a case of denial to get out of it.
It’s true, I have slept with other people, and we’ve discussed it, and he never seemed to care that much. I’m a believer in open relationships, if one person can’t seem to fulfill the needs of the other. As long as all parties are consenting, responsible and in full understanding, I don’t see the problem. I think I’m mostly upset about the dishonesty, rather than the fact that they never stopped sleeping together after he moved back in with me last year (although I’m so furious about his calling me his sister that I’m seriously thinking about changing my name). And I was still fucking clueless! It’s true that I was unhappy in our relationship and wanted to end it for quite a while, so this whole fiasco was just a catalyst that facilitated events that should have happened forever ago. I just think about how much happier, even a little bit happier, the last few months have been had there been a little more honesty present. No lies, no stress, just communicate and respect each other.
Word has it that he denied me to B, still claiming I’m his sister. I guess he’s not sure where to live now. But apparently, she’s sent him packing too. I hope so, because no one needs such disrespect in her life. I really do wonder why he moved back in with me, if he prefers to talk to her so much more (I know I sound juvenile when I say that, but he was using his phone all the fucking time while I sat there in the same room with him! Pathetic! I know!) But apparently A and B are such good friends that A went to her baby shower. Yeah… WTF!? Baby shower? Apparently my bf is a potential daddy for B’s two-month-old. Of course he’d bail on her around that time, because when you do the math, that makes her enceinte around the same time (ish) that he moved back in with me. Who knows? I don’t care; I don’t want to know; my only opinion on that matter is that I hope, if he is the babydaddy, that he’s held accountable. Because he will deny, deny, deny.
Unless, I guess, I hear about the two of them marrying and living happily ever after. Everyone deserves happiness.
You might be wondering why I’m taking the word of some girls I don’t know well or at all, over the word of my bf. His claims of pissy ex-gfs are hard to ignore, with those eyes of his, but the truth is, he didn’t fight very hard. He didn’t really fight at all. He just sat there, defeated, knowing he’s busted. I asked J if she thought this might be stories and lies, but she told me she hated to be the one to tell me all this, and she wouldn’t have told me if she thought it wasn’t true. Truth be told, he’s just shady enough for me to be able to believe this. Not to mention that the more I hear, the more I think about it… So many things make sense now. Hence why I feel so stupid.
However, I’m happy and grateful for the last three years, especially these last twelve months, because I am transforming into a completely new person. All of this has matured me, on so many levels. I am now undoubtedly a believer in “Everything happens for a reason”, even more so than before. I see it as, Fate took the situation out of my hands because I was taking too long to make a decision about my current relationship. And for that, I am so grateful. Excited, terrified to be single. But it will be a long while before I want to get into something serious again. I’m going to have major trust issues, and I have a lot of personal work to do. I’m excited, because maybe this means I will someday be the person I’ve always wanted to be, instead of pretending to be that person, when I knew nothing about her. And, it should go with saying, I’ve learned valuable information about relationships, as well as what I need and want in a partner.
B wants to add me as a friend on Facebook, but I don’t think I’m going to add her. I don’t mean to be a bitch, I just don’t think I want to know details. Writing all this, rereading it, has been very therapeutic
and cleansing. I think I’d like to let it all go behind me. It’s almost three years to the day that the bf and I met, so it seems to have ended rather neatly, compactly… No need to disrupt that. This chapter has ended, and as I approach my 25th birthday in two weeks, it feels like I’m being reborn in so many ways it’s overwhelming. I feel thrust, headlong, naked, insecure, but excited, into the world again, on my own. It’s thrilling, and I hope I have what it takes to fulfill all the potential I feel inside myself right now.
It’s unbelieveable how difficult it’s been to transition from living with someone, to living alone. I pretty much said fuck the exercise this past week, and my diet hasn’t been anything to be proud of, either. I so fucking bored. And lonely. And yeah, I know, wahh wahh wahh. But, seriously, I have way too much free time, and it’s getting me down.
