Sorry I have been gone for so long.
Things have been rough here. Remember when I said I thought that my fiance was cheating. Well he was. I caught him last Friday night out with the most disgusting, vile, gutter-slut, crack-whore. I never understood why when he has an upstanding, hot, good, woman like me- why he wants to put his dick in the dirt???? Anyway, so I catch him riding around town with this whore in the car with him and I chase him down. When I catch up with him he is in a parking lot putting her out. She is so drunk she is hanging onto the car. I ask her if she is screwing my man and she indicates she is. I told her she was a whore. She gets all irate with me and comes around the car like she is going to kick my ass. I tell her to back up or I am going to kick her ass. She keeps coming. Stupid BF gets in between us and tries to stop the fight, but little miss skank reaches over him and grabs my shirt. That’s when I hit her. She was on something because I beat that girl like I have never hit anyone in my life (This from a girl who used to fight back in her red-neck youth) and she never let go of my shirt. She ripped my shirt almost completely off of me. When the cops showed up she walks over to the cops-all beat up- I thought I was going to jail for sure. Her eye was swollen and blue and she had a few cuts on her face. The cop immediately puts her in hand cuffs- which tells you right there that she is a trouble maker and probably a crack head. They didn’t even wait to hear why she was beat up. Next he came and talked to me and i told him hat happened that she was with MY boyfriend and that she got out of the car and walked over and grabbed my shirt. The cop said it was self defense and let me go. The whole time I figured- there foes my teaching career. No school system in the country would hire me with an assault charge on my record-all my work would have been for nothing.
So since that night I have seen BF almost everyday. We took the kids to the IRL race Saturday, and to 6 flags on Sunday as we had originally planned. And I succeeded in not screaming at him on the way there or on the way home in front of the children. He has came out to the house most rest of the days of the week. He took me out to eat last night. The entire time all I can think of is that nasty girl on him. He wants to work things out- but I don’t know if I can. This is not his first time cheating. I haven’t trusted him fully in years.
But how do you walk away from someone who you have loved for 14 years. He is so deeply ingrained in my life that I don’t know how to move on without him. Then there is the kids to think about. We would have to split them up, and he is a heavy drinker- I really don’t want him to have them alone. No matter what type of stipulations that the court or me could put on him there is no guarantee he is not going to drink around them or have some of his freaky friends there with them and one of them might hurt my babies.
So what do I do?
The one thing I am NOT going to do is fix this for him. I am not going to rush in and try to make everything better like I did in the past. This was his decision, this is all his fault, and HE is going to do the work to fix it and if he doesn’t then- it won’t get fixed. I’m not making him promise to be faithful- he will have to figure out how to say the things that need to be said- and mean them on his own. I ‘m just not gonna do it.
I know people who are reading this think that I am incredibly stupid. I’m not. I have been stuck in this hell- in limbo for years. We have had some good times- hell I even believed that we were past all of this cheating stuff. But I can’t figure out what to do. How to walk away. How to start a life all over again. I don’t trust the courts to make the right decision with my kids. And it is my job to protect them. I have been raising them pretty much on my own for years. I am their mother and their father. I coach their T-ball and soccer games. I taught them how to throw a baseball and how to play basketball. I took care of them when they were sick. I am the one who is struggling to make their lives better. So why should I have to give them up even for one night every other week?
There has been no exercise. I have pretty much stopped running. I am going to go run today. Food has been good. I am on God’s plan now. And it works! All I do is I pray to God every morning ( and all through the day) to help me eat less, and make better choices. I lost 6 pounds in 8 days! The last week I have not lost any, but my focus has been off thanks to all the drama. I just need to get back to God and make this work. And you can eat whatever you want. you just trust God and your body to tell you when you are full. Then you stop eating. It is too easy. Of course you have to thank God for all your success, because it comes from him- I have no will power.
So that is all I have right now. I missed you ladies.
Posted on August 16th, 2008 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 4 Comments »
That’s only 5 pounds away from my starting weight! I have to do something!! My mind tells me to try to be conscientous about what I eat and get back on track starting Saturday (class ends Friday night) but I wish I had the time to focus on it now before abother pound is gained! Grrrr! I am soooooooo mad at myself!
However, when the hunger hits I will eat.