Chasing away Chubby

It’s exactly 11 months til christmas!  ( Ican hear the groans from here!) 

Obviously, I have not been here for a few days as life has, once again, gotten in the way of my well laid plans, and best intentions.  Tuesday was s snow day, and I don’t even remember what I did.  I did not sleep Tuesday night.  I kept waking up and thinking about Heath Ledger dying.  It was crazy.  For the record, he was a good actor, but I wasn’t a fan or anything.  I don’t know why it kept popping into my brain. Then at 3:00 Am I got up and went into the bathroom (not to wake the kiddies) and stretched.  I tried to exorcise the manic thoughts racing through my head and could not get the thoughts to cease.  I went back to bed and laid down and every second a new thought would enter my head, completely unrelated to the previous thought.  “Heath Ledger dies at 28.”  “I get monitored on Thursday.”  “I wonder how hard the math homework for class will be this week?”  “I will put the bear information in the science area, decorate the blocks wioth bears in the block area, put a teddy bear in reading…”  ” I need to run.”  Faster then you could read them, one after another ran through my head.  Finally I gave up and bothered the great, heavenly father with my dilemna (It is so good that he is there to help me out with these things.)  “Please Lord,  stop my racing thought and let me get to sleep.”  It worked after awhile I indeed did fall asleep, but still jerked myself awake a few more times.   I awoke feeling like I had not slept and drug myself outta bed.  I went to Wal-mart and bought some energy pills.  That’s when I saw it.  Relacore PM.  It gleamed at me from the metal shelf with it’s blue foil box shining under the flourescent lights.  I picked it up.  Too happy to give it a try.  Relacore is a weight loss pill.  It’s the one that supposedly helps you get rid of belly fat by lowering your stress.  I had taken it before and it does help your anxiety level.  So I thought “What the heck!”   It might chill me out and help me sleep!  I have taken it the last 2 nights and couldn’t be happier.  I still have woken up a few times a night, but when I slept it was a deeper, more satisfying sleep.  Yay for that!

I also have given up and am going to be tested for adult ADD on February 1st.  I need help.  I have always struggled with attention, and it is just getting worse the older I get.   I have been to my own doc 3 times asking for help and they wouldn’t do anything to help.  I never thought about going to Compcare until my sis said something about it.  So I called and got an appointment.  I can’t wait!  I have taken all the “tests” online for it and every time I have most of the indicators for it. So I hope all goes well and they can help me with this so i can be a more productive individual.  It would be nice to finish something I start instead of going “OOo  There is something shiny over there!” And I forget about what I was suppose to be doing.  Trust me ladies…it happens constanly….laugh all you want….my sisters do!

okay confession time.  I have not been running.  I have not ran since last weekend.  Running to WATP sucks.  My attention deficit does not allow it.  It is too boring.  It has been too cold to run outdoors (it was 2 degrees this morning), so I just haven’t run.  I haven’t been eating well either.  So I pretty much suck all around.  I feel really fat and hate feeling that way.  On top of that my mother smarted off to me about gaining weight.  She was acting like I had gained it all back.  She made a smart comment about my stomach being bigger.  So I told her “I haveonly agained about 5 pounds back.  It is not all my fault (okay, it IS, but I am not admitting that to my mother!) It’s been too cold to run!”  She says : “Well I told you I was gonna be there for you and tell you if Iyou gain weight.”  I say “Well telling someone they are fat does not help.  It will make them go out and eat more.  I weigh myself everyday i know how much weight I have gained!!”  Then I feel bad because I snapped at my mother, but I don’t need her monitoring.  I know what I have gained and I don’t need anyone to inform me of it.  I feel bad enough about my inability to get back up on the dieting horse.  So I type this tonight feeling bad about myself, because #1  I am fat.   #2  I can’t stay on my diet.   #3  I can’t stay with my exercise plan.  and #4  others are noticing my failures and seem to think that it is okay to tell me about them.  I am smart enough to know that negativity helps nothing, and actually is very destructive, but I can’t help the way I feel, and right now I feel like a big, fat, failure.

Posted on January 26th, 2008 by lodyangel
Filed under: General