Chasing away Chubby

I just got finished doing something that no woman should ever have to do…

Entering verbally abusive messages into my verbal abuse log on my computer. 

No woman should have have to have a verbal  abuse log.

Who are these messages from? 

My boyfriend.  That’s right my BOYFRIEND.  The father of my children.  The man who claims to love me.  Whatta fuckin Joke.

Man I am glad this blog allows me to curse, because I feel like cursing.

I would tell you the things that he is saying…but I don’t want to dwell on them.  They aren’t worth dwelling on.  It is no wonder my self esteem got so low.  He hasn’t acted like this for awhile.  It used to be DAILY.  It is no wonder I was such a mess.  Because I believed him.  I believed his hate, his venom spewing lies.  I believed all the things he said about me.  The things he implied about me.  I read meaning into the things he didn’t say…Like “your pretty.”  He never once told me I was, so I believed I was hideous.  Now I see that I am not.  Why should you put make-up on, work-out and exercise when it doesn’t matter to the one who you think loves you most.  I used food to relieve the pain.  Back in the day I was always Designated Driver…because he could not be trusted to be…He wouldn’t stay sober no matter what.  So I was DD and drove him and his drunk friends around.  Miserable, because I knew what was to come the fights, arguments, hatefullness.  We always went out to eat first before they all got too drunk and I would eat…Lord I would eat.  I would gorge myself because I was so unhappy.  I would eat until I couldn’t possibly hold anymore.  And thus I packed on the pounds.  Feeding your emotional pain is not the answer, but at the time I did not realize that was what I was doing.  Yes, I realized I was a binge eater, but I did not know why.  I did not understand.  I just ate.

So why is he acting so ugly?  What horrific crime did I commit to cause this usually calm man to turn into Satan? Nothing.  I kept asking him…”What did I do?  Tell me what I did.”  He never would, because he couldn’t.  I have done nothing wrong.

His addiction has a hold of him again and it is casuing him to act this way.  He takes it out on the ones closest to him, me his Mother, our eldest child.  That is why i do not live with him.  To protect them from his madness.  To protect them from his hate. 

Yet, I stay in this relationship with him for them.  To protect them from him.  So that they will never be left at his house alone for an entire weekend.   So DS9 will never have to know the feeling of those looks, those looks that bore right into you and leave you aching, shaking, cause in one look you know what is to come.  In one look he conveys all the hate and evil of satan,a  nd you know that he’s coming for you. 

Some will say, but he willnever get visitation, but that is not true.  Back years ago, I had a DVO against him.  He had beaten me up, in front of his whore, he was on crack (which is is not on anymore), an alcoholic (which he still is), all of which I could prove.  And when we went before the judge the judge said “he gets to see the kids, so when And where?”  He didn’t take into account his violent history, just his parental rights as a father.  A father who is absent most the time.  A father who is addicted, and pretty much useless.  So no, I do not trust the courts. I will do what I have to do to keep them all safe.

So I stay.  Most the time now, things are decent.  Not good, but okay.  I usually do not have to put up with this type of abuse anymore.  (He hasn’t been physically abusive since the DVO thing).  This hasn’t happened for awhile.  And it makes me wonder why it is happening now?

So please don’t preach.  I have heard it all before. I have to do what is right for me.  I will protect my kids the best way I know how, and turn off my phone when things get bad.  Because I know that nothing is forever…and eventually this too will pass.

Posted on November 18th, 2007 by lodyangel
Filed under: off topic