Chasing away Chubby

Things are better…

Well I have decided that I am going to be proactive in my approach to life.  I sit too much on my ass and let life happen to me. No more!  I am going after it!

I walked 4.2 miles with Sis#3 last night. It was so nice to hang out with her and sweat at the same time!!  We talked about old times and ppl we knew.  Wish I could see her more often. This morning I have done 38 minutes on the wii fit and I am going to do 20 minutes of TBL.  The Wii fit reported that I am 1.8 pounds down in 6 days so yay to that. Now I just need to keep it moving!!  I’m not eating all day. Just clear liquids. I know, I know!  I don’t want to be preached at, but I am so sick of being fat and this is the only way I ever have any type of success.  So I will allow myself clear liquids and have whatever I want for dinner.  I am dreaming of grilled tilapia but don’t know if BF will go for that again. We just had that the day before yesterday.

Speaking of BF, things are better. :)  We had a huge, even uglier fight on Sunday and I got fed up took the kids to a civil war reenactment and then called his Mother.  He won’t listen to me but being the Momma’s boy that he is he listens to her. I told him about how he has OCD about the house and how he gripes at me and the kids about it constantly. She talked to him and things have been better ever since.  He has bitten his tongue when things haven’t gotten done the way he wants them and I finally got our bedroom all done.  I have a hard time cleaning with my ADD. I’m not good at organizing , and if the job looks too big then I just won’t do it at all. I literally can’t bring myself to do it, which is why DD’s room is so bad you can’t walk in it.  But she and I have a deal and we are going to start working on her room for one hour a day.  That way it gets done slowly and I don’t get overwhelmed!!

I woke up with a bad headache and can’t seem to get rid of it.  Well off to finish what I need to get done!

 

Things are not well.

I’m so sad and depressed.  Before Bf and I moved in together everything was so good. We were healing from his infidelity and things looked so promising.  As soon as we moved in together, things changed.  He instantly became another person…a person who does not like me very much.  He is a complete neat freak, and I thought once we got the house cleaned up it would be better, but its not gotten any better.  My room is still  a little messy and Trini’s room is such a disaster that at this point she can’t even sleep in there.  But the rest of the house is basically clean.  I work all day taking care of the kids and cleaning and then he comes home at night and points out every little thing that didn’t get done, which infuriates me to the point where I morph into super bitch. I become this instantaneously crazy, screaming, unhappy person, and that is not me at all.  On top of that we aren’t having sex anymore.  I mean he’s been here 3 months and have had sex like 4 times, before we were doing it like 4 times a week. I don’t understand why his moving in changed things so drastically between us, or why he doesn’t like me anymore. I don’t understand.  I’m trying as hard as I can to get the house the way he likes it, but I will never be a neat person.  I’m just not.  I try but I can not do it.  It’s not in my make-up to be neat.   IDK what to do and I am beginning to think that it wouldn’t matter anyway.  I think deep down this is not what he wanted and that he is purposefully trying to make it not work.  And I can not talk to him about it.  He doesn’t give a crap what I have to say about anything. I don’t think he really cares about me at all.  We had an awful fight tonight.  He called me a bitch and I told him I hoped he died.  Jow horribly awful is that of me?  I don’t want him to die, but I don’t like the personhe has become. I just can’t take any of this anymore.  This is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl and thought of happily ever after.  And this is not what I dreamed of with him, even knowing how imperfect he is~not even close.  I just know that I can’t try any harder especially when he doesn’t try at all.

I went today to  buy him a father’s day present.  I babysat all week and earned a paltry $80.  I bought him new racing gas pedals for his mustang and a visor Cd holder and a light for his jeep.   I don’t know why I try so hard. 

I wish that I had this type of staying power with my weight loss. I have gained weight with all that I had going on and its been especially hard to take off.  I wonder if that is what makes him not like me. Can 8 pounds really make that much difference in how someone views you?  I wish i had the answers in how to fix this, but I do not.

I feel so alone tonight.  I just want to be alone, but where can you be alone in a full house??  Ugh.  i wish i had friends but I don’t. I have nmade him and my kids my life so I have no one to talk to. Dsis #3 doesn’t come around much and she has gotten so judgemental that sometimes I feel like I don’t know her anymore. 

The job hunt isn’t going well. I didn’t even get a job interview at the school where my kids go and I student taught my second placement.  I have volunteered there for 12 years.  The staff knew me.  Why did they not give me an interview.  They interviewed another studnet teacher that was in my cohort.  She didn’t even graduate yet,  She failed a class while we were student teaching and didn’t get to graduate but they interviewed her.  I am just devastated by it.  I don’t know what I could have done wrong to cause them not to interview me.   I had an interview the next county over for a kindergarten job, but I really don’t want K and I think they picked up on that so thus I did not get the job.  I was suppose to be up for 2 reading specialist jobs but have heard nothing about them so I guess I didn’t get those either.  What if I did all this work to get my degree and I can’t get a job???

I’m just sick.  So I am going to go to bed.  Its warm 79 degrees at nearly midnight so I think that I may sleep on the deck if I can get the mosquitos to leave me alone.

s

Itchy Itchy, scratchy, scratchy…

I’m itching…

Badly…

I have poison ivy.  Its on my legs, arms, stomach,  and hands.  My right hand is really bad.  It itches the worst, and is covered in tiny blisters. I took 2 benedryl before bed and slept until 4 AM when I woke up itching and had to take 2 more benedryl and reapply all the stuff I am using to get rid of the poison.  I’m miserable.

I slept til 10:30 which is something I never do!  I am usually up by 8 AM.  I think the benedryl is what knocked me out.

WEight wise I thought I looked smaller but have not lost any more weight. I have been using the Dam Marrino hypnosis.  I had done hypnosis beofre  and it really helped me, so I fifgured I’d give it a try. I just started it. So we will see how it goes.

I’m going to start posting every morning again. 

Well I got a late start and I have tons to do so I am off for the day!!

Happy Hump Day…again!

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. That is not like me.  I have had a semi-productive morning. I have started a load of laundry, a load of dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, and taken the dogs out. All before 9:00 AM! 

Yesterday was another good day diet wise!  I am not sure that I even ate my 1600 calories.  I had 1006 calories left by dinner time and I ate 1.5 chicken cordon bleu (Less than 500 calories), 1 little debbie cake (I know, Linda…not good cake but the chocolate creme cakes are delicious!  Really I was surprised how good they were!  Plus its TOm and they satisfy my craving for creme filled empty calories.) at 190 calories, 1/4 c peas, and 1/4 c mashed potatoes.  So I did not do the final calorie figurings but I should have been under my calorie goal.  My stomach must be shrinking because I was stuffed with what I had for dinner and usually I can eat ALOT more.  So yay me!

I did not work out however because as the day progressed my ankle hurt increasingly more.    I am going to today.  I am going to do some Denise Austin exercise ball workouts.  LOVE those workouts!  I love the ball!  This will be fun!  :)   (Am I doing a convincing job being upbeat and looking at the bright side of sweating and making my muscles sore???)

Breakfast this morning was a fiberPlus antioxidants chocolate and almond bar (130 calories) and 6 ounces of green goodness fruit smoothie (95 calories).  Lunch will either be a ham or turkey sandwich or a lean cuisine.  Dinner, as always, is up in the air at this point.  DD has dance recital rehearsal tonight so BF will cook dinner again.  Hopefully it will be something good and unfattening.  (Is unfattening a word?  :lol:   )

I did some playing on flufffriends and farm town on FB.  I am going to try out some of the different apps and see what I like.  I have been addicted to fluffriends but only when they are having some sort of scavenger hunt thing.  The rest of the time it is pretty boring.  Everyone else seems to be addicted to farm town.  So I am trying it, but yesterday was not all that impressed.  So we will see how it goes.

Well I am off, the dishwasher and the washing machine are silent, so they are waiting on me to empty them.  Have a great day chickees!

Weigh in week of 5/16-5/22,2008

Sat 5/16     226

Sun 5/17 226

Mon 5/18  223

Tues 5/19 224.6

Wed  5/20  223

MEASUREMENTS

Bust   45.5″

upper waist  38.75″

lower waist 48.75″

Hips  48″

thigh   26.5″

calf     16″

bicep  14.75″

Lazy, late, and limping

Yesterday afternoon I was stepping on the steps from my deck down onto a stepping stone.  I didn’t realize that there was a 2 inch gap from the stepping stone to the ground, stepped on the edge of the stone and subsequently turned my ankle.  It’s okay. Maybe a tad puffy and a little stiff but no bruising or anything.  So that throws a wrench into my plan to go run today.  Oh, well I can start in a day or two when the ankle is not stiff and puffy.  I think I will strength train instead to day.  I will do TBL DVD!  That should kick my fat, flabby, butt!  :lol:

Yesterday went well!  I stayed underneath 1700 calories.   My official total was 1673.  I tracked my food on sparkpeople, because it is free.  Sometimes it is hard to find the right food to log so many times I will just enter it myself.  It takes longer that way, but I know for certain that the calorie totals are correct.  Sparkppl scolded me for going over my fat goal.  My goal is to stay under 58 grams and I consumed 64.  Ogf course I didn’t realize I had a fat goal until the day was over!  LOL! Still not bad though.  Despite the turned ankle I walked for 35 minutes.  So I am happy with my first day back on the wagon! :)

What I ate yesterday…

B-fast

Naked protein juice smoothie 8 oz

Lunch

LC Tortilla crusted fish (yummy)

2 T tartar sauce (largely good fats)

2 pcs Dove dark chocolate (good fats antioxidants)

Dinner

Grilled chicken Breast strips, 6 OZ (yummy)

Chicken Rice, 1 cup

1/2 C sweet peas

Hot dog (no bun)

Little Debbie Chocolate Creme Cake

Snack

2 mandarin oranges

Okay so everything I ate wasn’t the most nutritious stuff, but I promised myself that I would be allowed to eat what I want.  I ate many healthy things as well.  Small steps will get you big rewards.

I weighed in this morning at 224.6!!! That’s up 1.6 pounds from yesterday, but TOM arrived yesterday so I am thinking maybe its water.  BLAH!  Its still down from 2 days ago when I weighed in at 226!  So I’m not sweating it!

I’m late this morning, not that I have anything to do, but I didn’t get my butt out of bed until 11:00!  I hate when that happens because I feel like I wasted the entire day away!  I’m drinking my breakfast the other half of the naked protein drink I drank for b-fast yesterday.  I am not enjoying it as much today.  It is a little bit grittier than it was yesterday.  It was gritty yesterday but I could ignore it because it tasted so good.  Not happening today. Maybe I didn’t shake it up as well as I thought I did yesterday??  Oh well, I will chugg it down and get on with it.

Lunch will be a ham sandwich (Under 300 cals), tortilla chips and salsa.  DInner is till up in the air.  i think BF is wanting to cook out again.  I’ll make sure to save plenty of calories!

My son just walked up and told me that my elbows “Look old.”  This from a 5 year old!!  Now he has brought me a small watermelon from off the kitchen counter and is chanting “Last melon…last melon!” (Ice age fans will recognize the reference).   I guess I should get off of here and feed him.  Have a great day chicks!

 

Back on the wagon

This is the only picture of me at graduation.  My family let my 11 year old son take the pictures.  This is me getting ready to recieve my diploma.Me and the kiddies after graduation.You all knew I would be back when the drama, the stress,  the excitement, the celebratory eating were all over.  And it is. 

It’s over finally!  I graduated!!!   The ceremony was supposed to be outdoors but thanks to the crazy KY weather they decided it would be better to have it inside in the old, ugly gym.  I can not tell you how great it felt to get that diploma in my hand.  I know I was beaming, grinning ear to ear, which is why I was so distressed to find out that my family had let my 11 yr old take the pictures and he did not even take one of me recieving my diploma!   I wanted to bask in the glow of the moment, my long hard won victory, but afterwards the family  just wanted to leave.  No one hugged me, no one said congratualations which hurt me terribly.  I wanted to enjoy my victory, but they were more concerned about getting home (mom) or getting to the restaurant and eating (kids).  At the restaurant the family redeemed themselves and we had a nice time.  However, I still felt empty.  Which just goes to prove that attaining your life’s goal does not always fill you up the way you thought it would.  I felt sad that my family was not more excited for me, sad that this chapter in my life is closed, sad to leave the college, and sad to leave the girls I had gotten to know and like!   I feel proud of my accomplishment, but it still doesn’t feel real to me. I guess maybe because it is only half the battle, the other half is actually getting a job.  Something that will be extremely difficult in these tough economic times, with school systems cutting teaching jobs.

So now I am free.  It feels weird not to have so much to do, not to be constantly busy. However, now there is no excuse.  I have to put me first and work to get this weight off, once and for all!  I gained some during studenteaching.  I weighed in this morning at 223.  My high had been 228!!  A tie for my highest weight ever.  Yep, I ad managed to gain it all back, but now I am going to get it all off- starting today!

The plan: 3 meals,  no snacks

Breakfast will be some sort of juice- acai berry or protein.  250 calories or less.

Lunch- Lean Cuisine. Less than 500 calories.

Dinner- portions measured calories counted.  This is usually where I lose all control.

workouts: 1 hour./ 5 days a week.

If I get serious and really work at it, I can lose 40 pounds by the end of September.  I can do this, time to start working at it.

I’ll be here everyday!  I promise!

Another crazy Monday

Sorry I have been MIA for so long.  Things got pretty crazy.  I had a portfolio that was due, and it took me about 80 hours to get it all uploaded to livetext.  Then I had checkpoint 3 interviews, which went amazingly well!  I scored the highest score that I could on the interview.  :)  So that made me happy.  Then I had my last “Solo week” of student teaching.  This is my last week of student teaching. I am “phasing out” so there is nothing for me to do this week.  I was suppose to teach this morning since my supervising teacher had a meeting, but I couldn’t go in.  My eyes are all swollen up and ITCHY from some sort of allergic reaction.  I am breaking out in hives and just now I had a small blister form on my knuckle.  Yesterday I kept getting dizzy and at times felt short of breath.   So I called in today.  Hoping this subsides so that I can get better.

During the 80 hour upload nightmare.  I did nothing but work and sit in front of my computer.  It was TOM week so I ate bad things and retained some water.  Because of that I saw the number on the scale I never wanted to see again. 228.  My highest weight ever- again for the second time!!  UGH!  So I hopped back on the eating healthy train and lost 5 pounds last week. I am now back down to 221 so that is a loss of 7 pounds in about a week and a half. 

I ran last week one day and was able to run over a mile without stopping.  Next week I am going to get serious about my training for the 5K.  If I get serious about this I can lose 30 pounds before summers end.

Well that starts next week because by then my student teaching will be OVER. 

I graduate on May 16th.  :)

Well that is about all for now. I will try to check back in tomorrow!

Quickie on Hump Day!

That just sounds perverted!  :lol:

I am so very tired!  I had a full day of teaching, and then had to go to class.  We were there for over 2 hours.  I worked out for over 30 mins at Curves.   I did not get up early.  For some reason my 1st alarm did not go off in time.  I will try agian tomorrow morning.

Food today was a tad better but not much.  I have started reading Dr. Phil’s book but have not gotten past the first chapter.  This time I am gonna get through it.  LindaT says it really has helped her.  I have read about half of it several times efore but I have never finshed it.  Maybe if I read and get all 7 keys it will help me do this for once.

Well ladies.  See ya tomorrow!  I am off to bed!