Chasing away Chubby

I’m so sad and depressed.  Before Bf and I moved in together everything was so good. We were healing from his infidelity and things looked so promising.  As soon as we moved in together, things changed.  He instantly became another person…a person who does not like me very much.  He is a complete neat freak, and I thought once we got the house cleaned up it would be better, but its not gotten any better.  My room is still  a little messy and Trini’s room is such a disaster that at this point she can’t even sleep in there.  But the rest of the house is basically clean.  I work all day taking care of the kids and cleaning and then he comes home at night and points out every little thing that didn’t get done, which infuriates me to the point where I morph into super bitch. I become this instantaneously crazy, screaming, unhappy person, and that is not me at all.  On top of that we aren’t having sex anymore.  I mean he’s been here 3 months and have had sex like 4 times, before we were doing it like 4 times a week. I don’t understand why his moving in changed things so drastically between us, or why he doesn’t like me anymore. I don’t understand.  I’m trying as hard as I can to get the house the way he likes it, but I will never be a neat person.  I’m just not.  I try but I can not do it.  It’s not in my make-up to be neat.   IDK what to do and I am beginning to think that it wouldn’t matter anyway.  I think deep down this is not what he wanted and that he is purposefully trying to make it not work.  And I can not talk to him about it.  He doesn’t give a crap what I have to say about anything. I don’t think he really cares about me at all.  We had an awful fight tonight.  He called me a bitch and I told him I hoped he died.  Jow horribly awful is that of me?  I don’t want him to die, but I don’t like the personhe has become. I just can’t take any of this anymore.  This is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl and thought of happily ever after.  And this is not what I dreamed of with him, even knowing how imperfect he is~not even close.  I just know that I can’t try any harder especially when he doesn’t try at all.

I went today to  buy him a father’s day present.  I babysat all week and earned a paltry $80.  I bought him new racing gas pedals for his mustang and a visor Cd holder and a light for his jeep.   I don’t know why I try so hard. 

I wish that I had this type of staying power with my weight loss. I have gained weight with all that I had going on and its been especially hard to take off.  I wonder if that is what makes him not like me. Can 8 pounds really make that much difference in how someone views you?  I wish i had the answers in how to fix this, but I do not.

I feel so alone tonight.  I just want to be alone, but where can you be alone in a full house??  Ugh.  i wish i had friends but I don’t. I have nmade him and my kids my life so I have no one to talk to. Dsis #3 doesn’t come around much and she has gotten so judgemental that sometimes I feel like I don’t know her anymore. 

The job hunt isn’t going well. I didn’t even get a job interview at the school where my kids go and I student taught my second placement.  I have volunteered there for 12 years.  The staff knew me.  Why did they not give me an interview.  They interviewed another studnet teacher that was in my cohort.  She didn’t even graduate yet,  She failed a class while we were student teaching and didn’t get to graduate but they interviewed her.  I am just devastated by it.  I don’t know what I could have done wrong to cause them not to interview me.   I had an interview the next county over for a kindergarten job, but I really don’t want K and I think they picked up on that so thus I did not get the job.  I was suppose to be up for 2 reading specialist jobs but have heard nothing about them so I guess I didn’t get those either.  What if I did all this work to get my degree and I can’t get a job???

I’m just sick.  So I am going to go to bed.  Its warm 79 degrees at nearly midnight so I think that I may sleep on the deck if I can get the mosquitos to leave me alone.

s

Posted on June 19th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 3 Comments »

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. That is not like me.  I have had a semi-productive morning. I have started a load of laundry, a load of dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, and taken the dogs out. All before 9:00 AM! 

Yesterday was another good day diet wise!  I am not sure that I even ate my 1600 calories.  I had 1006 calories left by dinner time and I ate 1.5 chicken cordon bleu (Less than 500 calories), 1 little debbie cake (I know, Linda…not good cake but the chocolate creme cakes are delicious!  Really I was surprised how good they were!  Plus its TOm and they satisfy my craving for creme filled empty calories.) at 190 calories, 1/4 c peas, and 1/4 c mashed potatoes.  So I did not do the final calorie figurings but I should have been under my calorie goal.  My stomach must be shrinking because I was stuffed with what I had for dinner and usually I can eat ALOT more.  So yay me!

I did not work out however because as the day progressed my ankle hurt increasingly more.    I am going to today.  I am going to do some Denise Austin exercise ball workouts.  LOVE those workouts!  I love the ball!  This will be fun!  :)   (Am I doing a convincing job being upbeat and looking at the bright side of sweating and making my muscles sore???)

Breakfast this morning was a fiberPlus antioxidants chocolate and almond bar (130 calories) and 6 ounces of green goodness fruit smoothie (95 calories).  Lunch will either be a ham or turkey sandwich or a lean cuisine.  Dinner, as always, is up in the air at this point.  DD has dance recital rehearsal tonight so BF will cook dinner again.  Hopefully it will be something good and unfattening.  (Is unfattening a word?  :lol:   )

I did some playing on flufffriends and farm town on FB.  I am going to try out some of the different apps and see what I like.  I have been addicted to fluffriends but only when they are having some sort of scavenger hunt thing.  The rest of the time it is pretty boring.  Everyone else seems to be addicted to farm town.  So I am trying it, but yesterday was not all that impressed.  So we will see how it goes.

Well I am off, the dishwasher and the washing machine are silent, so they are waiting on me to empty them.  Have a great day chickees!

Posted on May 20th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 4 Comments »

Bust   45.5″

upper waist  38.75″

lower waist 48.75″

Hips  48″

thigh   26.5″

calf     16″

bicep  14.75″

Posted on May 20th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: measurements | No Comments »

You all knew I would be back when the drama, the stress,  the excitement, the celebratory eating were all over.  And it is. 

It’s over finally!  I graduated!!!   The ceremony was supposed to be outdoors but thanks to the crazy KY weather they decided it would be better to have it inside in the old, ugly gym.  I can not tell you how great it felt to get that diploma in my hand.  I know I was beaming, grinning ear to ear, which is why I was so distressed to find out that my family had let my 11 yr old take the pictures and he did not even take one of me recieving my diploma!   I wanted to bask in the glow of the moment, my long hard won victory, but afterwards the family  just wanted to leave.  No one hugged me, no one said congratualations which hurt me terribly.  I wanted to enjoy my victory, but they were more concerned about getting home (mom) or getting to the restaurant and eating (kids).  At the restaurant the family redeemed themselves and we had a nice time.  However, I still felt empty.  Which just goes to prove that attaining your life’s goal does not always fill you up the way you thought it would.  I felt sad that my family was not more excited for me, sad that this chapter in my life is closed, sad to leave the college, and sad to leave the girls I had gotten to know and like!   I feel proud of my accomplishment, but it still doesn’t feel real to me. I guess maybe because it is only half the battle, the other half is actually getting a job.  Something that will be extremely difficult in these tough economic times, with school systems cutting teaching jobs.

So now I am free.  It feels weird not to have so much to do, not to be constantly busy. However, now there is no excuse.  I have to put me first and work to get this weight off, once and for all!  I gained some during studenteaching.  I weighed in this morning at 223.  My high had been 228!!  A tie for my highest weight ever.  Yep, I ad managed to gain it all back, but now I am going to get it all off- starting today!

The plan: 3 meals,  no snacks

Breakfast will be some sort of juice- acai berry or protein.  250 calories or less.

Lunch- Lean Cuisine. Less than 500 calories.

Dinner- portions measured calories counted.  This is usually where I lose all control.

workouts: 1 hour./ 5 days a week.

If I get serious and really work at it, I can lose 40 pounds by the end of September.  I can do this, time to start working at it.

I’ll be here everyday!  I promise!

Posted on May 18th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 5 Comments »

That just sounds perverted! 

I am so very tired!  I had a full day of teaching, and then had to go to class.  We were there for over 2 hours.  I worked out for over 30 mins at Curves.   I did not get up early.  For some reason my 1st alarm did not go off in time.  I will try agian tomorrow morning.

Food today was a tad better but not much.  I have started reading Dr. Phil’s book but have not gotten past the first chapter.  This time I am gonna get through it.  LindaT says it really has helped her.  I have read about half of it several times efore but I have never finshed it.  Maybe if I read and get all 7 keys it will help me do this for once.

Well ladies.  See ya tomorrow!  I am off to bed!

Posted on April 8th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 6 Comments »