Digging Deep

The Demon Within

Posted kiki on September 29th, 2008 | Filed under General | 1 Comment »

Today I am battling my own demons. The negative little bugs that try to procreate in my mind, hatch and birth more negative feelings and thoughts. I feel a little bloated. Probably from too much salt, or perhaps Aunt Dot is on her way to visit. Time and time again I get to this place. Although it is not as often as it use to be, it is still here. I feel shallow, a little lost, a little empty inside. I guess ultimately I am never really fully satisfied with who I am. I wonder what woman I will have to morph into next. Why can’t I ever be pleased and accepting of myself. I shouldn’t need anyone’s approval. I should be happy and grateful everyday in every way, but I am not.

SIDE NOTE: I came here today to write out my feelings simply because I am too far away from my journal right now. I don’t need anyone’s acknowledgement that you were at my page. It’s become clear to me that people on this site have their own “clicks.” Which is great if you want a good support system in your weight loss. However if you are here, feel free to use my site as a tool to help you along your way. MOTIVATION TO MOVE YOUR ASS has some nice blogs I previously wrote. So that being said, “Good luck to you in shedding your excess fat :)” Lord knows it isn’t easy.

So I guess what I’m basically saying is I’m in a funk today, but I’ll get over the tall mountain. I wish peace and love on myself. I believe in myself that I can do what I put my mind too. Therefore I will be successful at anything that I work hard at. The key to success is determination and hard work. Surprises will come along the way, but that’s to be expected. No one ever said life was easy.

 

Weight Update/Weight Loss Plan

Posted kiki on September 12th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

So I went to the doctor today and I gained 4 pounds over the last month. That’s not so bad. The key is to get back to where I want to be. I’m so shocked that I didn’t put on more weight than that. I have been eating extremely bad - especially the home made pecan pie!

But the good news is I had enough courage to go and get the update VS using my own scale. But the two usually average out anyway. At this point in the game and being as though it is so close to the holidays where people go ballistic and self control gets thrown outta the window; it is time to buckle down EARLY and get serious. So here’s my weight loss plan:

• Start a new Food Journal - Being sure to write in the book what is about to go in my mouth. What time, and WHY I am eating it (this includes water intake).
• NO SWEETS/SUGAR (candy, desserts, chips etc.)
• No eating past 8PM
• ABSOLUTELY no eating in the middle hours of the morning (yep I have started that back up)
• No Milk
• Workout 4-5 times a week
• Research gym prices in the area
• Submit an eating plan each week to my former trainer

SHORT TERM GOALS

• Lose 2lbs by next weigh-in (Friday, September 19th)
• If that goal is met by something in a size 8

LONG TERM GOALS

• Maintain a healthy eating regimen
• Never DIET again in life
• Excercise on a regular basis
• Maintain weight between 155 -163

Well, I think that’s it for now. Enjoy your weekend ladies!

Feeling…Blah

Posted kiki on September 10th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | Comment now »

Hello All (if anyone is reading)

I really just came to vent my frustrations, but not to anyone in particular. I am not myself today. My eating for the past 2 months has been psychotic and I should know better. It was hard work shedding 20 pounds. It can be so easy to put it back on, so I have to watch myself starting today. When you get in that place of saying I’m start tomorrow, I’ll do it next week, I can gurantee you - you are setting yourself up for failure. I need to sit down and write a plan down on paper and stick to it. I also need to keep a food journal again. I can’t tell you how much that helps. I no longer have a personal trainer, actually I think the last time I worked out in a gym was in July. So, I may consider joining another gym as long as its not too expensive or two far from home.

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. And I will do better with updating my blog. Summer months have been crazy and work is a whole other story. Too long to type, but I’ve been busy as hell.

Take care everyone, I will write again soon!

Kiki out.

So Sleepy…(yawn)

Posted kiki on July 6th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | 3 Comments »

So it’s pushing waaaaaaaaay past my bedtime. I just came back from a late dinner with a bunch of my cousins. I had crab dip with bread, garlic toast, 4 hot wings (as in buffalo wings with blue cheese dressing), 2 sips of raspberry iced tea, 6 fried shrimp, 7 french fries, 4 forkfuls of cole slaw, and a bite of this and that. DAMN. I am SO tired and full! Not stuffed, but full.

I ate way too much cook out food this entire week. I can’t even look at another hot dog. It’s a good thing I got my workouts in every day - including at 6am this morning! All I can think about it getting a good workout in tomorrow AM. At this rate, I may workout twice!

Good night everyone!

Family, Food, Fireworks & Fun!

Posted kiki on July 5th, 2008 | Filed under Happiness | Comment now »

This week has been really interesting. My Uncle’s funeral was on Monday and this brought all of our family out of the wood works. The repass was filled with cookout foods. It was really nice to see everyone and catch up. The work week was short which was a blessing in itself. I went car shopping. I was looking to trade mine in for something more sporty. But so far, I haven’t had any luck.

The 4th of July was filled with great foods off the grill. I’m talking ribs, hot dogs, hamburgers (or in my case cheeseburgers Potato salad, tuna salad, mac and cheese. Wow. I was surprised that the only thing I had were hot dogs and a cupcake. Later that evening I ate way too much stuff though. But it was good to relax and actually enjoy the holiday. (I did get my AM workout in though).

And today there was yet another cookout to attend. Today I ate my heart out though. 2 slices of cake (there goes my workout at the gym this morning), a hot dog, fried fish with bread, a slice of watermelon, yummy! We played cards, laughed and enjoyed the breezy July weather. Tomorrow, all of the cousins are getting together to see Will Smith’s new movie “Hancock”

I hope everyone is enjoying their summer as much as I am. My birthday is this coming Thursday, it would be awesome if I could meet my goal of one hundred sixty pounds :O)

Still I Rise…

Posted kiki on July 4th, 2008 | Filed under Happiness, Motivation to Move your Ass | 1 Comment »

It’s been a LOOOOOOOONG interesting journey being here with you all these past couple of months. Finally eating right and getting in a daily dose of exercise has paid off in a big rewarding way. I am just 4 pounds short of reaching my ideal weight. 160. I could go smaller, but I don’t want to turn into a twig Here is a picture of me, my cousin and aunt from this Monday. I am in the black dress. With a little help and encouragement from friends and family, we can lose this extra weight that we don’t want on our bodies.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes sacrifice, committment, dedication, and all those big words you don’t want to hear, but I promise you in the end it is so worth it. I went from a size 14 to a size 8. I cried a lot, I cheated a lot, but I kept moving forward, until I found the formula that worked for me. Don’t give up on yourself. Even if you have a cheat day, get back on track that same day if possible, if not then the next morning. Just don’t give up trying. I hope you all know that by now, I am here for your moral support. I am here to push you and to cheer you on. Email me whenever you need to. Love you guys dearly!!

Independence Day

Posted kiki on July 4th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | Comment now »

To me, this is more than just freedom to love our beloved country. (USA). It’s more than sparkling fireworks and grilled BBQ cookouts with friends and family. Independence in general is important, perhaps maybe even vital in some aspects. Some time today take time out to reflect on what being independent means to you. Just think, in some parts of the world, you can’t even be a fly @ss woman and change your hair color light pink if that’s how you felt when you woke up this morning. You can’t be free to curse or talk about the messed up president we have without getting your head blown off. You can’t make the decision to VOTE for who you want in office. Having independence and the freedom to express yourself is so cool. We shouldn’t take it for granted.

Happy 4th of July

Weekly Weigh In Stats (Week of June 29th)

Posted kiki on June 29th, 2008 | Filed under Weekly Weigh-In Stats | 1 Comment »

Weight: 165

Chest: 36

Waist: 31

Right Thigh: 22.5

Left Thigh: 22

Left Arm: 11.5

Right Arm: 12

Hips 43

Weekly Weigh In Stats (Week of June 23rd)

Posted kiki on June 24th, 2008 | Filed under General | 1 Comment »

Weight 169

Waist 32.5

L Thigh 22.5

R Thigh 23

L Arm 12

R Arm 12

Hips 43

The Sexiest Thing Walking

Posted kiki on June 23rd, 2008 | Filed under Happiness, Motivation to Move your Ass | 2 Comments »

Well it’s official. I am the sexiest thing walking (according to my hubby-to-be). I just wanted to share that awesome compliment with you gals Often times we pick on ourselves and point out our flaws to other people who don’t even notice them. My baby is so proud of me that I am finally happy with myself and following through on my goals of losing weight. I have to give myself a pat on the back because there is no way in hell that any of this was easy.

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I’ll see if I hit the 165 mark. I had a good weekend (workout wise.) Saturday I hit the gym to see my trainer. What a brutal hour workout. My abs are still sore! Yesterday I walked and jogged for an hour total then did more abs. I missed my AM workout this morning but I packed my bag for the gym after work today. I hope I can make it.

Have a great day everyone!

When Enough is Enough

Posted kiki on June 17th, 2008 | Filed under Happiness, Just Venting... | 2 Comments »

I spoke with my trainer today and he blew me away with his statement. Our goal is to get me to one hundred and sixty pounds. I thought we’d try to get to 150, but he said that’s too much weight. He said I would loose mostly all of my womanly curves and I’m sorry, but I love those too much to let them go– so does my husband-to-be.

On the other hand I am glad that I finally have a limit set for myself. I’m glad that I don’t have to obsess over being a certain size. I’m glad that I’ll be able to eat the foods I like love  and do it in moderation. This summer is definitely off to a fine fresh new start!

I wish you all well in your endeavors of losing the weight you want to lose. As the old cliche goes, “If I can do it……anybody can do it.”

Well on My Way

Posted kiki on June 17th, 2008 | Filed under Happiness | Comment now »

The weekly doctor visit went well. I lost 2 pounds this week. That brings me down to 169. I think I’m on target for weighing in at 165 by the next weigh in. This week I must committ to staying focused on my eating plan. I want to say I won’t cheat, but we all know me.

I guess all you can do is keep trying, remain positive, and stay consistant. Besides 2 lbs a week is a good healthy steady weight loss drop. I wore a size 8 suit today and it fits nicely. You can see my shape and my curves are finally all in the right spots for once! SMILES.

The weather is gorgeous today and I think I may have an outdoor PM workout when I get home from work later. I also have to do better on my water intake today.

Have a great day everyone!

Weekly Weigh In Stats (Week of June 16th)

Posted kiki on June 17th, 2008 | Filed under Weekly Weigh-In Stats | Comment now »

Weight: 169

Sorry, I forgot to check inches this morning…I’ll update next Tuesday with next week’s weigh in.

Hangin’ In There

Posted kiki on June 16th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | 1 Comment »

Tomorrow is weigh in day. I’m somewhat nervous. My sister had a birthday and I did have a few bites of vanilla cake with white icing as well as some vanilla ice cream. What can I say, I love food.

In other news though, people all around me are starting to notice the beautiful change in my body and my appearance. It is my soul belief that when you feel good, you LOOK good. When you look good, you ooze confidence. And when you lose weight, you can get your ass in a smaller clothing size! YEA BABY! As we all know, all clothing is made differently. I can now fit into some size 8 pants. Unbelieveable I know, but it’s true. I have on a pair today. I guess I am losing inches all around and that’s why this is possible.

I saw my trainer this past Saturday and he was awe struck at how much progress I’ve made over the last few weeks. June is definitely going down as one of the unforgettable months I will remember this year. It’s the month I finally got my identity back. Again, the key is just being happy with who you are, and loving the body you are in. Yes, I am 170,  but I feel fit and happy and healthy. I wouldn’t trade that in for a size 2.

Tomorrow I go see my doctor to weigh in and see how I’m doing with this low calorie diet I was put on. I believe for sure I will be 165 by the end of this week. I hope everyone is using the summer months for some extra motivation. Get out there and do something that makes you feel good. And I don’t mean just eating something that will make you feel good. Go out and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.

I will keep you posted with my weigh in results tomorrow.

Kiki out.

A Poem for Self

Posted kiki on June 13th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | 2 Comments »

Sometimes it is so easy to tell others

how much you love them

You can look at them and fall in love

with what you see dancing in their eyes

It is easy to accept when they let you down

But you accept their apology anyway and move

on back to being friends

It’s easy to open up and be honest with them

It’s easy to accept who they are - flaws and all

It’s easy to write a poem for them

expressing your feelings and emotions out

on a blank sheet

It’s not the same when I try to do that for me

I treat myself like I’m my own worst enemy

I don’t accept myself for the woman I have become

I judge and criticize everything I do

I’m not accepting of my many flaws

incapable it seems to love the skin I am in

Harsh quiet voices roam my head all day

Reeking havoc on my thoughts of myself

Feeding me lies that I know aren’t true

Even when I’m happy - they try to make me blue

So I sit today and write a poem for me

I’m trying to accept who I am

I’m trying to love the skin I am in

I’m trying to be a better woman than I have been

But the past holds on and clings

trying to make me remember unforgettable things

Still, I try

Trying is all I can do

It is the only thing that will make me feel like I’m not

a complete loser

I can not love hard and without thought

without first loving me

Without first accepting me

This is one of the most important lessons in life

to be learned

I’m still trying to pass this test

Often times my emotions are a mess

But still, all I can do is try

Yes, my sweet one

you are beautiful

your smile shines bright like a warm

Thursday afternoon

Your energy invigorates all that you meet

Your love wraps around people in layers

and keeps them warm

Yes, you are beautiful

You are smart

You will succeed

You can do anything you put your mind to

Yes, you will make it

Yes, you are special

You are a gift to the world

and there’s nothing you can’t do

Let your light shine brightly

For there is no other who is

like you

Written by: SMC (me)

Shrink Yourself - an update on the book I’m reading

Posted kiki on June 11th, 2008 | Filed under Motivation to Move your Ass | 1 Comment »

 Well I am on part 2 of the book: “Shrink Yourself.” If you remember my post last month, I told you all I was going to order it and find out some more about emotional eating and the root cause of it all.

In simplest terms I HIGHLY recommend this book for anyone trying to lose weight, anyone wondering why they can’t lose weight. Anyone struggling to lose weight. You get the idea. Basically if you have a blog here you should really consider purchasing this book. It’s no nonsense straight talk that can and WILL change your life.

I can’t tell you how many light bulbs went off in my head as I was reading this. It’s a true eye opener and you will never look at food the same way again. What’s also important to me is it isn’t a BORING read. With me being a writer and all there’s nothing worse than reading a stupid ass or boring ass book. You get frustrated easily (at least I do) and begin to wonder why you wasted your money.

If you don’t purchase this from a book store, hit up Amazon.com and buy it used. (Note: I get all my books and CDs from there.)

Do yourself a favor and get this book. Your body will thank you for it, your life will be different.

Kiki out.

Cheating on My Diet

Posted kiki on June 11th, 2008 | Filed under Just Venting... | 2 Comments »

I’ve had a few slips ups this week but nothing like I would do in the past. NO BINGE eating whatsoever! For the most part of the day I follow my low calorie diet to a “T” but for the past two days in the evening I’ve made some pretty bad choices. Yesterday I had tunafish on crackers (about 8 crackers). That wasn’t so bad. But hubby came home LATE LAST NIGHT with pizza, and you guys know my favorite number one food of all time is pizza. So I had a slice and a half. I ate it slow and savored the taste. I paid for it this morning though. I guess because I haven’t been eating fried/greasy/fattening stuff for the past 2 weeks, my body rejected it. I couldn’t stay off the damn toilet this morning!

This evening for dinner I went downstairs and cooked fried potatoes (from 2 whole potatoes) and two scrambled eggs -WITHOUT cheese - HUGE step for me! I enjoyed my dinner at 5pm. At 6pm I went downstairs looking in the fridge and the freezer. I think this was out of boredom, cuz I wasn’t hungry. I think my mouth just misses chewing. So, I had a chocolate eclair icecream bar (I think it’s 150 calories). I also ate that slowly. I keep mentioning that I eat the food slowly because 2 weeks ago this was not how I ate. I ate pretty fast and as a result didn’t give my body time to signal my brain that I was “full.” Therefore leading to overeating.

I guess the purpose of this post is to let you all know that it’s not easy sticking to a restricted diet, even if you have the most serious intentions of losing weight. I completed an AM workout today and I enjoyed it. I don’t feel guilty about cheating on the diet. But I am still very focused on the prize. The key is consistency. Although I had a few cheat foods, that’s not an excuse to pig out tonight and “start fresh” in the morning. No-f*cking-way would I mess up all my hard work. (again, that’s what I USE to do!). Instead my cut off for eating was 6:05–after eating that ice cream bar. If I get hungry at 9pm, I’ll swallow a glass of water. That’s all there is to it.

You must have self control and PATIENCE with yourself. Don’t give up if you’ve eaten a few bad things. Don’t let your slice of pizza turn into a full blown pig fest. It’s not worth the emotional damage you will cause yourself. Enjoy your life, AND your foods, but still keep your eyes on the big picture. My big picture is weighing in at 165 next week.

Kiki out.

Official Weigh In Results (Week of June 8th)

Posted kiki on June 10th, 2008 | Filed under Weekly Weigh-In Stats | 1 Comment »

This morning went well. My scale read 169. At the doctors, it read 171. So they wrote down in their records that I lost 8 pounds. I was a little disappointed at first until I started looking at the big picture. Which is: I LOST WEIGHT.

I feel healthy because I am eating better and my energy level is up and up and up. I don’t lag in the morning or need coffee either. I can get up and workout with ease. This morning I had to fight with myself for 10 minutes though. It is usually my mind that plays these tricks on me. It was telling me that I was still sleepy and lay back down. But my body was up and ready to go. I did lie back down for 5 or 7 minutes, but I eventually made myself get up and leave out of the room to go downstairs and workout.

It was a tough workout. I haven’t really done cardio/weight lifting (dvds) in awhile. Remember, I’ve been outside walking these days. (Soon I will be bike riding outside). But I got through the workout and felt great afterward.

So the lesson in all of this. STAY MOTIVATED. It’s not that bad giving up the foods you like until you’re at a maintenance level. Really, I’m being honest. Like I said it’s more of a mind thing. If you want to lose weight, hang in there and don’t be so hard on yourself. Do it at your own pace. Moderation is key as I’m learning. I feel fantastic. I will be 150 by sometime in July. This I am certain of. I have a birthday in July and I might just skip my birthday cake this year.

Ahhhh, but there will be wedding cake in September, and I will be eating it

Tomorrow’s Weigh In

Posted kiki on June 9th, 2008 | Filed under General | Comment now »

This morning I weighed in at 169. I have not seen 160 anything in approximately two years. I was thrilled but for some reason I still feel skeptical about all of this. ME? 169? Me? The one who always drops five pounds then gains it back. Then drops it then gains back 5+4. The one who binge eats her life away, wishing things were different. The one who works out but doesn’t eat right. The one who eats right for a week and then doesn’t work out for two weeks. You get where I’m going with this.

I guess I’m writing to say that I’m nervous about weighing in tomorrow morning (at the doctor’s office.) I always have to weigh in with clothes on and their scale always says something totally different from mine. So maybe I am all excited about dropping 10 pounds for nothing. Maybe I really only dropped six. Logically I know that’s impossible because my calorie intake is sliced to shreds. I mean SLICED. All I drink is water. I’ve been doing cardio six days a week, so maybe I did lose weight and not just water.

Either way, it takes a strong woman to bite her bottom lip and walk pass Krispie Kreme and not go inside. It takes an even stronger woman to pass off the free pizza at work and not give in to her deepest temptation of having a slice and then a slice turns into 3 and she gloomly walks away saying “I’ll start over tomorrow.”

So for what it’s worth I am proud of myself. I have come a long way and I’m just proud. So I’m not going to be nervous tomorrow. I’m going to walk in there with confidence knowing that I did my best. And yes, I had funnel cake yesterday - but without strawberries and I didn’t even eat half! It’s moments like these in life that should be shared, and enjoyed. You shouldn’t feel gulity for eating things that you like. Eating food is a part of being human. Abusing that privledge is when the problems start.

Kiki out.

LOVING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted kiki on June 7th, 2008 | Filed under Happiness | 2 Comments »

Well, I’m sorry but I couldn’t wait to spread the great news! I know it’s not Tuesday but damnit I can’t keep this to myself.

My weigh in today is ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY pounds!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s right girls: 170.

If you remember reading correctly from my last post which was Tuesday, I was 179. That’s correct a NINE pound weight loss in one freakin’ week! I am estactic and I’m just going to keep doing what I’ve been doing.

I know you must be wondering what the hell am I doing. I’ll be more than happy to share. I’ve cut back on EVERYTHING I like to eat. And I eat small portions of meat (only chicken or fish—NOTHING FRIED), 1 cup of green veggies and a piece of fruit as my meal for lunch and dinner. Breakfast is just one piece of fruit (either an apple or an orange). I have been drowning myself in water. I do not eat after 8pm. I do not raid the fridge anymore between 1 and 3AM. And I walk everyday for 45-50 minutes.

At this rate, I am bound to meet my goal of wearing a size 10 by the second week in July. I am finally coming out of the size 14 pants and it feels so damn good. I thought my scale was lying to me. It said 171 yesterday and today it reads 170, so I am dropping weight. Even if 5 pounds of it is water weight, f*ck it. It’s five less pounds of it on me.

I am motivated to continue with this bland eating plan. It may be bland, but it’s worth it. I would just about chop off my right hand to be 160 anything. I can’t believe by the end of next week, I could very much so be 165! I haven’t seen that number in 2 years!

Well ladies, I’m off. Just wanted to share the good news. Keep up the great work everyone!

Happy SUMMER!!!!!!!!