I will not deny my past road, as much as I wish I could pretend it did not exist. I toyed with the idea of deleting all of my previous entries, but really all the failures, frustrations, and roadblocks that I hit before are still part of my learning experience.

This time around, instead of being overwhelmed with all the weight I need to lose (which is easy for me to do), I aim to focus on the smaller steps.

First step… my next 24 hours. I will focus on progress, not perfection.

 I just reread one of my entries and the word commitment came up.  I’m not committed to movement at the moment.  I’m just floating, staring up in the sky, mind blank.  I’m not trying to lose weight anymore because I’m tired of having a weight problem.  I’m not trying to gain weight because, well, I’m already pretty good at that.  What’s happening is I’m just being.  Going nowhere.  Where do I go?  I’ve failed again and again at losing weight.  I’ve succeeded at gaining weight but have failed at keeping good health.  I’ve lost focus, my goals, my dreams… they just don’t seem to matter anymore.

 This sounds like a depressing entry but really it’s not intended to be.  It’s just an acknowledgement of my current state in terms of my progress with my physical health.  Floating. 

Do I want to lose the weight anymore?  Do I want to be thinner?  Do I want to be healthy?  Do I want to live a long life?  Do I want to sleep through the night again?  I do, but I just don’t know how to do it.  And not knowing how, scares me.  Not knowing how to do it well, worries me. 

What do I want for my life?

I want to be happy.  I want to feel comfortable with who I am in the world.  I want to walk out into public and feel like I’m presenting my best self.  I want to be acknowledged by others as being someone.  Not necessarily someone important, but just as someone.  I don’t want to be invisible.  I want to be important to another, matter to them.  I want to smile and feel joy.  I want energy to do the things I love to do.  I want to feel beautiful and self-assured.  I want to give back more than what I take. 

 How do I do this?  How do I gain these things in my life?  Certainly some of these things are already there but I’m so fogged in by my insecurities and flaws that I don’t see them clearly anymore.

Taking care of myself and putting myself first is the only way that I can overcome my insecurities.  Because, I will then and only then be living the life I’m intended to live.  So, commitment.  Be committed to myself.  I don’t mean this in a self absorbed way, but rather be committed to putting myself first; taking care of myself.  Sometimes this will mean saying “no”.  Other times it will mean setting up that invisible boundary around myself to keep those naysayers from penetrating my self esteem.  While other times, that means sacraficing whims that will hurt me for the things that will give me good health. For example, having a piece of fruit rather than ice cream.

Floating.  Kick my legs.  Wave my arms back and forth.  Pretty soon, I just might be swimming and it will feel natural.

 What I know now.  When I am stressed and consumed by a project or life responsibility, my personal care is the first thing out the door.  To me this means I am more susceptible to put others first before myself.  Putting myself first seems to be selfish.  This is something I need to change.  If I take care of myself first, I’ll have more to give back to the world.  I’ve also learned that when sugar and I are not good friends.  I would like to remain acquaintances but only on an as necessary basis.  E.g. if it’s somebody’s birthday, I can have  a little piece of cake and then walk away feeling satisfied.  But for now, I don’t think we can have that relationship.  Distance will make my heart grow fonder and appreciative.  Finally, I need to be balanced.  I tend to go “all or nothing” and that includes forgiving myself.  These are tough lessons to learn because I have built up bad habits through the years where I tend to swing toward the “all or nothing” mentality and then falling to failure.    Moderation and balance will bring me good health mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I wave my white flag.

On March 11, 2008 I decided to say sayonara to sugar.  After experiences of feeling horrible after eating or binging on sugar products (lethargic, tired, not able to think, bloated, gas-y, HUGE) I decided that it was time to find out what it would feel like if I didn’t have sugar in my day.  When I mean sugar I refer to products where sugar is a major ingredient in the food item.  Certainly it’s inevitable to stay completely away from sugar because it’s still often an ingredient in foods that we eat (ketchup, dressings, sauces, restaurant food) because it’s an additive that makes food taste delicious.  And while I need to watch those types of foods, my main purpose in this detox was to get all the intentionally sugar processed foods (cakes, cookies, sweets, desserts, etc.) and that included anything that was full sugar, sugar free, sugar alcohol products; e.g. sweets.  Coming from eating chocolate or some form of it everyday at least once a day if not more, it just seemed like a good place to start.  Thankfully, on 3FC a thread was beginning and a couple of other people were also struggling in the same area as myself.  So, I jumped on the bandwagon and have found it quite easy to eliminate this food from my day. 14 days later…  I no longer crave sweets.  I can walk through a cereal aisle or bakery area and not think twice or be tempted by all that’s around me.  Of course, I’m still walking a thin line because I know if I popped anything in my mouth, that will be the end of my effort to rid this habit/addiction.  Best to stay away and JUST SAY “No, Thank You”.  All that said, sugar is still in my life but I”m focusing on natural sugar.  I still eat fruit (you get so much out of fruit in terms of nutrients, fiber, flavor, etc.).

 I’m no expert.  I’m grateful to have made it this far but I know there is so much more for me to concentrate on.  With this one thing under my belt and well on its way, I feel more energized to continue to gain my health.  So, I’m doing no sugar for 14 more days and this time I’ve included sweet drinks (that’s no problem for me since I don’t usually like them anyway… juice, sweet sodas, etc.) and diet soda (tough one!  I like Diet Coke).  I know I can make 14 days with no soda.  I did it with sugar, continue to do it, and just adding one more bit.  I believe I’m worth it.  (And, if I don’t I figure I”ll just keep saying that to myself and eventually I’ll believe it!).

I am committed to gaining health and to gain the health, I must lose the bad habits I have built up over the years. I will create new habits that make me feel good about my body, my self-esteem, my spirit, and my mind. I am committed today and with each day, I will recommit.

Thanks to another member, I have begun a 14 day “lose the sugar” effort. I have been committed to this agreement and thus far have been pretty pleased with what I have done. Certainly there are some choices I have made these last couple days that did not perfectly align with complete loss, but with the goal of letting go of processed sugary foods like cakes, cookies, candy, desserts, etc. I have done very well!

Without the sugar, I feel like I have more energy and the sluggishness I usually feel is lessened. I had an orange juice and diet coke today and bready carbs and I felt the sluggish effects right away. A reminder that those types of foods hinder my progress and are choices that don’t make me feel my best. So, as I plan for tomorrow, OJ, Diet coke, and carbs at every meal is more than my body can handle. I aim to drink water and tea tomorrow and as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I can.

I’m not perfect and that’s ok. Every day will be like an experiment where I will try different foods and if they don’t make me feel my best then that is a sign that I’m “allergic” to them. If I feel healthy and energetic then I know those foods are right for my chemistry and physical makeup. Steady goes my commitment to my good health.

I was watching an episode of Oprah the other day.  Bob Greene was talking about his book “Best Life” and invited several people who have successfully lost large amounts of weight.  One of the ladies commented that it was all up in her head.  Once she had her head, her heart, and the decision to lose weight everything else followed.  I know this is true for me.  I know that I am an emotional eater and whatever is “eating at me” ends up in some form of food going into my mouth as a means to comfort myself or fill up empty time.  So, this space is for me to unload whatever is clogging up my mind, causing emotional upset.

I’ve started tracking again. I have a Franklin Planner and now they have unique inserts where you can keep track of your food and exercise. This system has been pretty good to keep me more regular with my tracking. I still struggle though. I’ve been pretty good about writing down what’s going into my mouth. I’d like to track the calories (or points) but there isn’t any room. I try to abbreviate but I find that to tough on some foods. I’m just glad that I’ve kept up with the tracking. Although, I’ll admit that sometimes I’ll miss 2-3 days and will go back to recall what I ate but by that time I’d forgotten. A lesson on keeping up with it so I don’t have to take the time to “forget”.

11:59:59 is a perfect moment. It’s that moment on December 31 when you get to say goodbye to all the lousiness of the past year and it’s the moment of anticipation where you are refilled with the hope and desire of a new year. That’s how I feel this year. I have said good riddance to all that’s in the past and I am determined to make a difference in my life during this new year. Don’t I say this every year? Perhaps. But right now, at this moment, I know I have done things today to work toward GAINING HEALTH. I don’t like the 4 letter word I mentioned earlier and I’m tired of “losing weight” because I’ve failed at both of them. So, the opposite of those two words is “gaining health”. I like the word “gain”. It means you’re going to get something from it. You’re going to be richer than you were before in some way. This is something I can do and think about. I know how to “gain”. I’ve been successful at it for years. I think I’m better at trying to “get” something than to “lose” it.

In order for me to gain health…

1. I have to eat (my favorite word) but what I have to eat has to be balanced, nutritious, and strengthening to my soul. This means fruits, vegetables, fish, etc. because when I eat these foods I feel light, fed, stronger, and FRESH. My skin gets smoother, I feel more awake, I have more energy, and I don’t feel enormously full ALL the time.

2. I have to drink a lot of water because it makes my skin feel good (not itchy or splotchy) and (sorry to be gross) my pee is clear. A sign of hydration.

3. I have to exercise. I haven’t been exercising so I lost my breath easily, I’m tired all the time, I don’t sleep well, I feel physically weak, and I seem to get depressed easily. So, though I hate it, I am determined to fit in activity whenever and wherever I can. Even if it’s only 10 minutes in the morning or a quick walk at night. I’m also aiming to limit computer and TV time in the evening to allow for reading, movement doing chores, and resting my eyes and hands (which are usually stuck in front of the screen all day at work).

4. I have to eat breakfast at home. This has been my biggest success so far this year. For the longest time I ate breakfast in my car. I would go to through the drive thru or stop off at Starbucks because I “didn’t have time” to make myself breakfast. For almost the last 3 weeks I have forced myself to carve out 10-15 minutes after I get ready and before I leave for the office to fix and eat my breakfast at the kitchen table. Usually it’s cereal or oatmeal or an egg scramble. I’m not too strict on what I eat at the moment as long as I eat it at the kitchen table but I’m finding that because I’m not being strict with the foods, I’m choosing healthier foods anyway. Forcing myself to sit and eat makes me calmer, slows me down (a BIG change from before), and I’m not eating in the car or at my desk at work. I can enjoy the crunch of my cereal. Yippee!

5. It’s all in my head. I have to do this for me. Gaining my health is only for me. It’s not for my mother or for my social life or to gain the attention of a man (which I desire but don’t get) but purely for my longevity and being comfortable in my own skin. But, I know it all starts in my head. Since I was a teen, I have perfected that special talent of talking down to myself and I still catch myself in that mode. But, more times than none, I find that I am now able to turn whatever negative talk around and reassure that I’m alright. “Everything is as it should be, right now”. It’s taken some practice to speak these affirmations in my head but I’m definitely getting better at it. Wahoo!

6. Energy and endurance. It’s a long road ahead but I’m not going to think about it. I’m going to focus on gaining health today, right now. And, I’m going to lean on my faith for support during those moments when I must endure the difficulty.

I weight myself a few days ago. I was 242.6. I want to judge this weight right now, but I’m going to refrain from saying anything other than it’s a factual point. I’m 242.6.

So, tonight, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind begins to race and I think about how I am killing myself with all this overeating, poor habits, self hatred, and watching time pass by in a body I can’t stand. I hardly exercised this past weekend. I walked after work tonight but even then I didn’t feel I exerted myself to burn off enough calories.

Getting back on the horse. I can do this. I can get back on the horse. I can make that choice. I know I’m thinking aloud, but I’m needing to get this out of my system so I can go back to sleep and be rested for a new day. I’m writing all this more for myself than anyone else because I want to look back on this and be able to say “ah, yes, messed up thinking. I remember when… now I know better”. Don’t give up on me. I can’t give up on me.

So, I’m wondering, how does one get back on the journey after having fallen off the path and slowly heading back to the old downward spiral I am trying to emerge from. Here’s what I’m going to do…

1. Update my 3 Fat Chicks page to honestly indicate my weight gain. from 240.4 to 241.6.

2. I’m going to set up my Fitday.com page because I need to track the foods I eat and I haven’t been keeping up with the paper/pen version well.

3. I’m going back to sleep because I need the sleep to have energy for tomorrow.

4. I’m going to remind myself that I am a beautiful woman. A woman created by God to be one of His jewels and to be that woman it is worth it to take care of my health. My body is a gift from Him.

I’m doing this. I’ve hit a snag but I’m unsnagging myself and I’m getting back on the road. This was just one day of the journey. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be about caring for myself and loving myself enough to be healthy.