This Chickie

Someone wise on one of my 3FC threads reminded me that it’s not about whether you have MOTIVATION to lose weight it’s about your commitment. I take that as good advice. I rarely have the motivation to lose it. It isn’t fun, it often feels like deprevity, it takes a lot of work, and I haven’t been very good at it in the past. But, I know in other areas of life, perseverance is one of my best traits. I’m not one to give up easily if I’m committed to it.

I am committed to gaining health and to gain the health, I must lose the bad habits I have built up over the years. I will create new habits that make me feel good about my body, my self-esteem, my spirit, and my mind. I am committed today and with each day, I will recommit.

Thanks to another member, I have begun a 14 day “lose the sugar” effort. I have been committed to this agreement and thus far have been pretty pleased with what I have done. Certainly there are some choices I have made these last couple days that did not perfectly align with complete loss, but with the goal of letting go of processed sugary foods like cakes, cookies, candy, desserts, etc. I have done very well!

Without the sugar, I feel like I have more energy and the sluggishness I usually feel is lessened. I had an orange juice and diet coke today and bready carbs and I felt the sluggish effects right away. A reminder that those types of foods hinder my progress and are choices that don’t make me feel my best. So, as I plan for tomorrow, OJ, Diet coke, and carbs at every meal is more than my body can handle. I aim to drink water and tea tomorrow and as many fresh fruits and vegetables as I can.

I’m not perfect and that’s ok. Every day will be like an experiment where I will try different foods and if they don’t make me feel my best then that is a sign that I’m “allergic” to them. If I feel healthy and energetic then I know those foods are right for my chemistry and physical makeup. Steady goes my commitment to my good health.

Diet. DIET! DIET! DIET!!! Bleah. This word haunts me. It annoys me because it is temporary, limiting, 4 letters (does that make it offensive?), sacrificial, depleting, and I have failed at it again and again and again. I’m so tired of failing. Maybe dieting works for the people who only have 5 or 10 pounds to lose but I definitely have a “little more” than 10 to go. It’s no longer about losing weight or getting that sexy figure or trying to be those skinny models in the magazines. It’s all about my health.

11:59:59 is a perfect moment. It’s that moment on December 31 when you get to say goodbye to all the lousiness of the past year and it’s the moment of anticipation where you are refilled with the hope and desire of a new year. That’s how I feel this year. I have said good riddance to all that’s in the past and I am determined to make a difference in my life during this new year. Don’t I say this every year? Perhaps. But right now, at this moment, I know I have done things today to work toward GAINING HEALTH. I don’t like the 4 letter word I mentioned earlier and I’m tired of “losing weight” because I’ve failed at both of them. So, the opposite of those two words is “gaining health”. I like the word “gain”. It means you’re going to get something from it. You’re going to be richer than you were before in some way. This is something I can do and think about. I know how to “gain”. I’ve been successful at it for years. I think I’m better at trying to “get” something than to “lose” it.

In order for me to gain health…

1. I have to eat (my favorite word) but what I have to eat has to be balanced, nutritious, and strengthening to my soul. This means fruits, vegetables, fish, etc. because when I eat these foods I feel light, fed, stronger, and FRESH. My skin gets smoother, I feel more awake, I have more energy, and I don’t feel enormously full ALL the time.

2. I have to drink a lot of water because it makes my skin feel good (not itchy or splotchy) and (sorry to be gross) my pee is clear. A sign of hydration.

3. I have to exercise. I haven’t been exercising so I lost my breath easily, I’m tired all the time, I don’t sleep well, I feel physically weak, and I seem to get depressed easily. So, though I hate it, I am determined to fit in activity whenever and wherever I can. Even if it’s only 10 minutes in the morning or a quick walk at night. I’m also aiming to limit computer and TV time in the evening to allow for reading, movement doing chores, and resting my eyes and hands (which are usually stuck in front of the screen all day at work).

4. I have to eat breakfast at home. This has been my biggest success so far this year. For the longest time I ate breakfast in my car. I would go to through the drive thru or stop off at Starbucks because I “didn’t have time” to make myself breakfast. For almost the last 3 weeks I have forced myself to carve out 10-15 minutes after I get ready and before I leave for the office to fix and eat my breakfast at the kitchen table. Usually it’s cereal or oatmeal or an egg scramble. I’m not too strict on what I eat at the moment as long as I eat it at the kitchen table but I’m finding that because I’m not being strict with the foods, I’m choosing healthier foods anyway. Forcing myself to sit and eat makes me calmer, slows me down (a BIG change from before), and I’m not eating in the car or at my desk at work. I can enjoy the crunch of my cereal. Yippee!

5. It’s all in my head. I have to do this for me. Gaining my health is only for me. It’s not for my mother or for my social life or to gain the attention of a man (which I desire but don’t get) but purely for my longevity and being comfortable in my own skin. But, I know it all starts in my head. Since I was a teen, I have perfected that special talent of talking down to myself and I still catch myself in that mode. But, more times than none, I find that I am now able to turn whatever negative talk around and reassure that I’m alright. “Everything is as it should be, right now”. It’s taken some practice to speak these affirmations in my head but I’m definitely getting better at it. Wahoo!

6. Energy and endurance. It’s a long road ahead but I’m not going to think about it. I’m going to focus on gaining health today, right now. And, I’m going to lean on my faith for support during those moments when I must endure the difficulty.

I weight myself a few days ago. I was 242.6. I want to judge this weight right now, but I’m going to refrain from saying anything other than it’s a factual point. I’m 242.6.

Well, not literally. The scale has been on a downward slope and so were my habits. But, on Friday night I got caught up doing something at work and didn’t leave until almost 8pm. Because I was immersed in doing stuff on the computer, I didn’t pay attention to how tired or hungry I had become. I had a fridge full of leftovers from Thanksgiving that needed to be cleaned out and I didn’t feel like facing it. So, I went to Chili’s and got myself a burger, one of their appetizer platters, and a side salad. The salad was to “balance” out the rest of the food I ordered. I took it home and ate about 1/3 of the burger, half the platter, and all of the salad. This was the first fall off the horse. The next day I decided to “treat” myself and order dinner from a steak place where I ordered ribs, a salad (yet again to balance out the meal), and steamed veggies with a sweet potato on the side. I decided for eating out, I chose some healthier sides but the fact that it was a meal out, I knew it wasn’t the lowest in calories so this was my fall off the horse part deux. These choices have affected my emotional self as well as my physical self. The scale read a whole pound up this morning. Not bad, I’ve had higher weight gains in the past over a weekend of poor eating choices, but nonetheless I’m beating myself up over the choices I’ve made.

So, tonight, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, my mind begins to race and I think about how I am killing myself with all this overeating, poor habits, self hatred, and watching time pass by in a body I can’t stand. I hardly exercised this past weekend. I walked after work tonight but even then I didn’t feel I exerted myself to burn off enough calories.

Getting back on the horse. I can do this. I can get back on the horse. I can make that choice. I know I’m thinking aloud, but I’m needing to get this out of my system so I can go back to sleep and be rested for a new day. I’m writing all this more for myself than anyone else because I want to look back on this and be able to say “ah, yes, messed up thinking. I remember when… now I know better”. Don’t give up on me. I can’t give up on me.

So, I’m wondering, how does one get back on the journey after having fallen off the path and slowly heading back to the old downward spiral I am trying to emerge from. Here’s what I’m going to do…

1. Update my 3 Fat Chicks page to honestly indicate my weight gain. from 240.4 to 241.6.

2. I’m going to set up my Fitday.com page because I need to track the foods I eat and I haven’t been keeping up with the paper/pen version well.

3. I’m going back to sleep because I need the sleep to have energy for tomorrow.

4. I’m going to remind myself that I am a beautiful woman. A woman created by God to be one of His jewels and to be that woman it is worth it to take care of my health. My body is a gift from Him.

I’m doing this. I’ve hit a snag but I’m unsnagging myself and I’m getting back on the road. This was just one day of the journey. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be about caring for myself and loving myself enough to be healthy.

Have you ever been in that moment where you are numb and in an emotional void? That happens to me sometimes when I’m in my “binge phase”. Should I call it that? I don’t force down hoards of food but I do eat more “bad” foods than my body can really handle. I suppose you could say my binges are high in fat, high in sugar, and usually larger quantities that have now become more of a norm than the exception. I’m embarassed to even admit to these bad habits but I must be honest on this path to good health. I’ve been denying that my problems exist, probably because of the emotional void I put myself into when binging.

Diet in, diet out, diet in, diet out… that’s the cycle. I diet, I fail, I diet, I fail. It’s no wonder I’m the weight and size that I am. This pattern was established at a very young age and only worsened as I got older and grew into an adult. Now, it’s not only habit it’s part of me. A part I no longer want to be a member of.

I want to be healthy. I want to be able to shop in normal stores and wear respectable clothing sizes. I want to be free of worry that I may be at risk of many diseases and disorders because of my obesity. I want to smile and feel happy because I have successfully caused change in my life and reached the lifelong goal of being “normal”. I want to have grin lines that reveal the joy I yearn to feel.

I hate the word diet. “Diet” sounds temporary; a quick fix. I’ve never been good at it as it’s only led to failure in the past. But, I love the word “Healthy”. It’s a lifestyle. It’s strength, self control, energy, life. Healthy means no more extra doctor visit, only the yearly exams to keep me maintained. It means my mother will no longer complain about my size, my saggy boobs, the abnormality of my waist circumference, and the embarrassment of my walking out in public. Healthy means being attractive to other people but more importantly comfortable in my own skin. I can’t wait to be healthy. To get there, I have to first put healthy into my body.

To be healthy. Fresh vegetables, fruit, lean meats, water, healthy fats, nutritious foods packed with vitamins; natural and organic. Little to no sugar, minimal white carbohydrates, unwanted fats, sodas, processed foods. Physical activity is key to keeping my bones strong, my muscles functioning, and the fat burned off. To be healthy also means skincare, haircare, and keeping my teeth clean. It is just as important for me to keep my emotional self healthy with spiritual care, building relationships with family members as well as expanding but nurturing friendships, and intellectual stimulation through reading, puzzles, conversations, volunteering, traveling. There is so much to live for.

Be Inspired.

Be Yourself.

Take action.

I can’t believe I’m wide awake. It’s 3 and I should be sound asleep right now. I usually have no problems sleeping but tonight was an exception. Insomnia! I have insomnia. I layed in bed thinking and thinking and thinking…. then the thinking led to more thinking which in the end cause great frustration and worry. I got up and read for a bit. Went back to bed. Got up and stretched. Went back to bed. Got up and actually pulled on workout clothes and a jacket to go for a walk outside thinking maybe it would tire me. And here I sit in front of my computer waiting for morning to come. Now I worry, because I’m supposed to get up for work in an hour or so. Don’t know how I’ll get through a work day without sleep. This is bad! I’m worried about work, which I hate. I’m worried about my health, which is failing. I’m worried about my fat because it’s causing my health to worsen and sucking the life out of me (literally and metaphorically). Life feels like it’s passing me by and I’m not an active participant in it. When did this start happening? I’m only in my 30’s.

Deep down in all of these layers of worry, frustration, and disappointment is that little voice telling me “you are worth the effort. Put those running shoes on, grab that carrot stick and bottle of water and hit the road girlie. It is time to take action and charge of your life. Don’t let the fat ruin it.”

(An old Chinese proverb)

Weightloss. It’s been a lifetime issue for me. It started when I was a kid. Chubby, I was. Perhaps I would have grown out of the chubbiness but my mother was anxious that I wouldn’t. Her anxiety came off on me and I turned to food to relieve myself of the worry, the embarrassment, the shame. The years went by and there I was… chubby. Chubby grew to overweight. Overweight grew to fat. Fat is now obese. It’s a problem and the problem is only getting more serious. Now my health is affected. I know it but I don’t seem to do anything about it. Denial.

I’m a woman in my mid-30’s. I am at a time in my life when I should be at my peak in the way I feel about myself and the way the world views me. Thriving! But, I find myself standing in this spot at this moment…STUCK and looking around wondering where I am going and looking back realizing I can’t turn around. So, I look ahead. I’m hesitant because I know the way that I walked to this point hasn’t been the easiest path. Nor has it been a profitable one. One step forward, two steps back…three steps forward, one step back… two steps forward, five steps… and so on. Yo yo… yo yo… Some days I wish I could just rip off my “fat suit” and reveal my skinny one. Maybe if I had the magic of a Hollywood film star. HA! The road ahead seems grim and long but I can’t wait to get to the destination. There’s so much weight to lose and I am my own worst cheerleader. Rather, I am my own best critic. I’ve tried the weightloss programs and have failed. Time and time again. I think I want to do it, but really I do it to appease my mother. This weightloss thing… it’s really because my mother wants it. Isn’t this her deal in the first place? Not that I don’t want to be skinny, but even more so, I just want to be myself. I don’t want to be what my mother wants me to be. I don’t seem to care very much about myself. This is a hard reality for me to face. But, I face it. My mind is in a better place now. I used to often say things to myself that I knew were not true and they were hurtful but I said them because I had to find a way to control me. I am learning to mother myself. My mind is now quick to notice the beautiful me. The “me” God created me to be. Someone who is worthy, lovely, and acceptable just as I am. Now, I am here, in this spot.

Ownership. This baggage of extra weight is my problem now; no one elses. I put it here, I can take it off. I had the control to plaster it in the most inconvenient areas of my body. Now, I have the control to offer my body (and mind) the love and attention it has required for most of my life.

I am here, taking my step forward. One step closer to my destination. One step closer to my healthy self. I’ve taken these steps before but this time, instead of worrying about how many steps it will take to get to the destination, I am focusing on this one step first.

Hello World!

Please share this journey with me. I’m glad to meet you here.

Cheers,

Julzchiki