This Chickie

Have you ever just floated in water staring up in the sky?  Going nowhere.  Just letting the water lift you along.  I’m not swimming to get to a destination.  I’m not struggling to fight.  I’m just floating. 

 I just reread one of my entries and the word commitment came up.  I’m not committed to movement at the moment.  I’m just floating, staring up in the sky, mind blank.  I’m not trying to lose weight anymore because I’m tired of having a weight problem.  I’m not trying to gain weight because, well, I’m already pretty good at that.  What’s happening is I’m just being.  Going nowhere.  Where do I go?  I’ve failed again and again at losing weight.  I’ve succeeded at gaining weight but have failed at keeping good health.  I’ve lost focus, my goals, my dreams… they just don’t seem to matter anymore.

 This sounds like a depressing entry but really it’s not intended to be.  It’s just an acknowledgement of my current state in terms of my progress with my physical health.  Floating. 

Do I want to lose the weight anymore?  Do I want to be thinner?  Do I want to be healthy?  Do I want to live a long life?  Do I want to sleep through the night again?  I do, but I just don’t know how to do it.  And not knowing how, scares me.  Not knowing how to do it well, worries me. 

What do I want for my life?

I want to be happy.  I want to feel comfortable with who I am in the world.  I want to walk out into public and feel like I’m presenting my best self.  I want to be acknowledged by others as being someone.  Not necessarily someone important, but just as someone.  I don’t want to be invisible.  I want to be important to another, matter to them.  I want to smile and feel joy.  I want energy to do the things I love to do.  I want to feel beautiful and self-assured.  I want to give back more than what I take. 

 How do I do this?  How do I gain these things in my life?  Certainly some of these things are already there but I’m so fogged in by my insecurities and flaws that I don’t see them clearly anymore.

Taking care of myself and putting myself first is the only way that I can overcome my insecurities.  Because, I will then and only then be living the life I’m intended to live.  So, commitment.  Be committed to myself.  I don’t mean this in a self absorbed way, but rather be committed to putting myself first; taking care of myself.  Sometimes this will mean saying “no”.  Other times it will mean setting up that invisible boundary around myself to keep those naysayers from penetrating my self esteem.  While other times, that means sacraficing whims that will hurt me for the things that will give me good health. For example, having a piece of fruit rather than ice cream.

Floating.  Kick my legs.  Wave my arms back and forth.  Pretty soon, I just might be swimming and it will feel natural.