A thousand mile journey begins with one step…
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Weightloss. It’s been a lifetime issue for me. It started when I was a kid. Chubby, I was. Perhaps I would have grown out of the chubbiness but my mother was anxious that I wouldn’t. Her anxiety came off on me and I turned to food to relieve myself of the worry, the embarrassment, the shame. The years went by and there I was… chubby. Chubby grew to overweight. Overweight grew to fat. Fat is now obese. It’s a problem and the problem is only getting more serious. Now my health is affected. I know it but I don’t seem to do anything about it. Denial.
I’m a woman in my mid-30’s. I am at a time in my life when I should be at my peak in the way I feel about myself and the way the world views me. Thriving! But, I find myself standing in this spot at this moment…STUCK and looking around wondering where I am going and looking back realizing I can’t turn around. So, I look ahead. I’m hesitant because I know the way that I walked to this point hasn’t been the easiest path. Nor has it been a profitable one. One step forward, two steps back…three steps forward, one step back… two steps forward, five steps… and so on. Yo yo… yo yo… Some days I wish I could just rip off my “fat suit” and reveal my skinny one. Maybe if I had the magic of a Hollywood film star. HA! The road ahead seems grim and long but I can’t wait to get to the destination. There’s so much weight to lose and I am my own worst cheerleader. Rather, I am my own best critic. I’ve tried the weightloss programs and have failed. Time and time again. I think I want to do it, but really I do it to appease my mother. This weightloss thing… it’s really because my mother wants it. Isn’t this her deal in the first place? Not that I don’t want to be skinny, but even more so, I just want to be myself. I don’t want to be what my mother wants me to be. I don’t seem to care very much about myself. This is a hard reality for me to face. But, I face it. My mind is in a better place now. I used to often say things to myself that I knew were not true and they were hurtful but I said them because I had to find a way to control me. I am learning to mother myself. My mind is now quick to notice the beautiful me. The “me” God created me to be. Someone who is worthy, lovely, and acceptable just as I am. Now, I am here, in this spot.
Ownership. This baggage of extra weight is my problem now; no one elses. I put it here, I can take it off. I had the control to plaster it in the most inconvenient areas of my body. Now, I have the control to offer my body (and mind) the love and attention it has required for most of my life.
I am here, taking my step forward. One step closer to my destination. One step closer to my healthy self. I’ve taken these steps before but this time, instead of worrying about how many steps it will take to get to the destination, I am focusing on this one step first. 