Losin it in Paradise

I went for another run on Thursday so made it twice in a row.  Was suppose to have a rest and recovery day inbetween runs, but because I am working 14 hour shifts on Fri, Sat and Sun I knew I would have no time for a run, so did two in a row.

I did great, but perhaps I did not cool down enough cause now I have fooken shin splints on my Right leg….ouch.  WTF!   I did read in the book I am reading about running, that they are common for beginning runners, but damn they hurt like crazy.

I am really feeling pumped about this running thing thou.  As you all know, I hate to exercise, but for some reason this running does not feel like exercise as all.  I get hot and sweaty but just love it…..so far.   I am suppose to run 4 days a week with a rest and recovery day inbetween except for the last two runs which can be run back to back days.   I am going to also do biking riding on the days I run, and then truly do rest and recovery on the days that I am suppose to.    Maybe in a couple months when my strength is up and I am running 5K a run, I will start to add free weights for some upper body strength.  DH lifts five days a week so I will see if he can start me on a light program.  But not for a while, right now I am going to consentrate on my running and building myself up that way.

I am to stay on this run pattern of 20 min a day alternating running with power walking until I am totally comfortable and feeling no exertion.  Then I increase the run time and decrease the walk time until I am comfortable with that and then I will eventually get to total run time with walk for only the warm up and cool down part.  I should get to a 5k to 10k run or 20 miles a week by the end of the summer.  That is my goal, and then I am going to do my first race…..  

Food wise I am doing okay, trying to eliminate more meat in my diet.  Especially red meat and to eat more fish.  Good thing I live on an island where fish is so abundant.   And that I like it.  :)  I noticed in my running book that runners need to up their complex carbs and flush their simple carbs and not have too much meat, so that is what I am aiming for….the complex carbs are need for the energy and really important to do a carb load before a race.  I can do that, I love pasta

Thanks for all your comments and personal notes regarding my blog from the other day.  You are all so very important to me, and special to me.  And I like soclose would miss you all so much if you were not in my life.  I love you!

First off, I have to tell all…………I did it.  I went for my first ever run.  I managed a good solid 2 miles.   I alternated power walk with running and did great.  I was hot, sweaty and pretty worn out after, but also in my glory….I DID IT!   I felt so great after, wanted to tell the whole world, but no one to tell.   I DID IT.  Talk about runner’s high

So I am going to try for 4 times a week, slowly building up to a solid 20 min run without walking.  Taking it like the book says,  slow and easy.   No injuries allowed.

I woke up this morning feeling great, no sore muscles or knees.  No shin splints…nada!  I DID IT.

Just adding an important message here for all us gals to be on the watch for:

Theft Problem IMPORTANT MESSAGE

You’ve heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

I read the blogs and read about the lives of other women that face daily struggles, joys and pain and I think how parallel our lives really are. I read about my dear wonderful anngirl and the pain and loneliness she is going thru as she searches for the right man to help fill her life. I read about our Rubes as her job is in jeopardy and how she is coping on a daily basis. I read about Judy and her surgery, Round and her new marriage and quest for a baby to add to her family. Soclose and her great daughter, Bobbi and her new marriage and I think we all have joys and we all have pain.

I remember when my mom was still alive she used to say that if you sat everyone you knew in a circle, asked them to write down their one worst problem on a piece of paper and put it in a jar in the middle of the circle and then passed it around for others to see and to choose anyone’s else problem they wanted, that all would choose their own back. She meant that our problems don’t seems quite so bad when we hear about others.

But we fix on ours, because it is causing US pain. Other people’s problems are awful but they don’t really affect us or hurt us directly. Sure we care and we empathize, but in reality they don’t hurt us. We want their pain to go away, or to share in their joy, but that is all we can do is share because it really doesn’t affect our lives. So we always feel that our pain is the worst pain, our joy is the greatest joy. Human nature at it best

I am not happy in my marriage. I married for all the wrong reasons. I married my DH because I wanted a weak man. Shocker isn’t it? I didn’t really realize it either until it was too late. My ex was the love of my life. I will never love anyone like that again. When I left him, I thought I was going to die. In fact I prayed for death. I really did. I survived but a part of me didn’t survive. A part of me died, and sometimes I think it was the very best part of me. The part that loved and was whole and was good.

My ex was a very harsh man, very domineering and very controlling. He ruled everything and God forbid I ever crossed him. He would make my life miserable, but had a way of making it all my fault. He would freeze me out for days, I hated that…would literally beg him to love me. I will never be like that again…ever. I will never be controlled again. So when I met my DH he was passive and weak and I thought that was a good thing. Gawd it gets old so fast.

I know right now that leaving is not an option I will even consider. I in all honesty can not say if it is because I don’t want to hurt Steve, or I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t know. I am so disappointed in him, so frustrated with him and so unhappy with the state of my marriage but it also makes me sad to think about life without him.I am just truly fucked in the head right now…..

We have separate bedrooms and I think that is great. It is the only time I am away from him. That and work. My sanctuary. We have had separate bedrooms for about a month now. I insisted, I cannot sleep with him anymore. I can’t, and I don’t see where it has affected our marriage at all. He has not touched me in almost three years. Nada, nothing. There is no intimacy in our marriage at all. He doesn’t kiss me, or touch me at all. I always knew he had a really low sex drive and at one time even thought that maybe he was gay, but now I know he is just asexual. Just doesn’t do it for him. Combine that with the fact that I am uncomfortable with being touched, and you have a piss poor recipe for marriage. My not wanting to be touched is another long story and stems from sexual abuse as a child, so not going to get into that here and now.

I did mention a marriage counselor to him, but he wants no part of it. He thinks our marriage is a normal marriage, that all married people live like this….shit!

I just think that just once in this fookin life I would like to have someone who would look after me…..ME! I am tired of being the strong one, the one that fixes everything and everyone. I am tired of supporting someone, I want to be looked after. I want to know that if something happened to me, we would survive. Not just have someone tell me, “well you have enough money put away to get us thru don’t you?” FUCK. Just say, “it doesn’t matter if you are off work we will make it, if not I will get a second job to get us thru.” NOT, you have PTO and temporary disability right?

I have offered countless times for him to go back to school. I tell him that now is a good time as I am making good money and he can work part time and go to school, but he is not interested. He just wants to skate by life and not do anything, making a poor salary at a poor job. He has been with this company for over four years and has never gotten a raise. Has no benefits…nada. But it is too bothersome to find another job, or get an education. He has grade 12 and that is it and thinks if we moved to the mainland he would be pulling in 6 figures!!! WTF He is happy working from home, gets up 5 mins before work, doesn’t shave or comb his hair and boom he is at work. He is in the house ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I am never away from him. I cannot even have a day off that he isn’t here. He will not leave me alone. And yet I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life.

He is not a lazy man, he will work his butt off around the house, but he is lazy as far as working for a living goes. Steve is a good man, but he is a weak man. I am with someone that is more like a child to me than a husband. He tries to be a HUSBAND, but I am so turned off by his weakness and lack of motivation that I cannot see him as a HUSBAND, a mate. I just look at him as a responsibility not as a partner.

I know a lot is my fault too because I have become to strong, and because I will never let a part of my heart go again as I will never love anyone the way I used to love my ex, I will never give up that control again. I remember my ex saying to me one time, that the one that loves the least has the most power. I have never forgotten that. I need that power to survive inside.

If Steve left me today, I would survive and be just fine, life goes on. And I would be happy, but he would not be if I left him. I don’t want to ever be responsible for hurting someone the way I was hurt. Never.

So leaving is not an option. I will just have to deal the best I can. And right now it is thru work and this blog and my friends. I am reading about running and going to use that as a stress relief as well.

Sometimes life is just not fair. But as dear old dad always used to tell me, “who in life ever told you that life was fucking fair?”  I am tired of being broken….I just want to be happy.  I am tired of not being good, of not being able to love……….I don’t want to be broken anymore.

Except for my DAMN diet!   Well not totally, I didn’t completely blow things just one night, last night.  I had a brownie with cool whip, ice cream and hot fudge sauce………..DAMN……….it was good.   Of course I flogged myself and wept tears of remorse…NOT.   Only today do I feel like I was a naughty girl, and should have said no way.   BUT, I bet there is not a women in the house who would have walked away after smelling the warm brownies, and seeing their piggie, oops I mean hubby stuffing his face and so obviously enjoying himself….I caved, I admit it, I am weak…DAMN it was good. 

So today I am being a good girl.  No chocolate will cross these lips, no candy, no sugar, and definitely no brownies.   Today I am strong, hear me roar……..meow!   No really today I am being good.  Have been all week expect for last night.  And I am not going to allow one night to derail me.  Back to salads and baby carrots today.

I am working the evening shift today, as an extra shift.  Seems funny to be here during the day.  I am working 3pm to midnight.   A whole new set of faces here in the afternoons….weird.

Well I must go and do my rounds, got to walk off the brownie that I can feel hugging my hips

ciao

 Thought I would put in some humor for all that suffer or have suffered with dear old TOM.

Also for those that are wondering where our dear Bobbi is…..well she is fine and she ask me to pass on this msg for u…..SHE IS GETTING MARRIED!  the big day is July 18th.  She figured after 6 years together it was time…..Yay Bobbi

On that note, I am doing fine, diet was blown out the window today, but was good all weekend.

Enjoy the following:

 

A lesson in “branding.”

 

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It’s PC Magazine’s 2007 editors’ choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from “Aunt Flo”. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants . .  which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong”.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Not much going on at all.  Had two uneventful days off, didn’t do much except for laundry and that shit.  It was too windy for the beach and with all the vog we have from the volcano not much sun either.

I am back at work, diet is going well.  I am still enjoying my salads.  Managed a big triumph tonight.  3 tower had a huge double chocolate cake, and I mean huge, layers and layers with chocolate fudge icing and shaved chocolate all over the top.  AND I WALKED AWAY WITHOUT TAKING SO MUCH AS A TASTE.  Fucking sucks :(   OMG, HOW I WANTED JUST A TASTE, A LITTLE ONE…..but I didn’t do it and I actually am proud of myself now that I am away from it.

Dieting sucks, being fat sucks. Having to eat healthy sucks.  But getting compliments feels great and I got two today.

I am still waiting for the magic pill to be invented.  The one that melts the fat off no matter how much you eat, and no exercise involved……anyone notice if hell has frozen over?

I finally had a big beautiful salad, loaded with lettuce, tomato, red onion, radishes and cucumbers with 3 oz of grilled chicken.  It was heaven, and the best part???   I was able to keep it down.  That is the first lettuce since my surgery that I have been able to keep down.  It was truly glorious :)  Heavenly!  Divine!  Not to mention just fookin delicious :)  

DH and I went to the show on Saturday night, actually we went to TWO shows on Sat night..OMG.  I worked a 14 hour shift on Friday, slept for about 4 hours when I got home and then we went to town to buy an air conditioning unit for the living room.   We decided since we were in town that we would take in a movie, well I wanted to see, “what happens in Vegas”   DH wanted to see Indiana Jones.   So we compromised…we saw both!  I was so tired after the first movie but WTF, I promised….And it was fun.   My diet was not so good that night thou as I did have a hot dog at the movies and popcorn, but only once.  I did not have anything at the second movie.  And the rest of my weekend was good diet wise so I really cannot complain.  

My DH and I live on the island of Kauai, we live on the west side, which is the dry hot side.  We have been here since 2005 when we moved from Oahu.   We have no a/c except in the bedroom, which is vital as I work nights and there is not a hope in hell I would sleep in the heat of the day.  We cool the rest of the house with ceiling fans, and if we are lucky good trade winds.  None of our windows are solid panes, they are all louver window, which is the norm here because of the trades being used to cool.   WELL, our fookin house is so hot, it is uncomfortable and miserable.  My damn makeup melts before I can finish putting it on when I try to get ready for work.  Not to mention my poor new fish tank almost boiled my fish!!!   So we decided to break down and buy an a/c for the living room.   The power here is very expensive and we are dreading the extra cost but we did use it for a bit today and it was great.   We are not going to use it daily but just sparingly.  Our power bill is already 400 a month and that is for just two people.  Of course DH works from home so he always has his TV on and his computers and fans etc.   So that adds to the power bill for sure.   We won’t have to use it during the day as I am sleeping and we have the small one in the bedroom and DH is out in his office, so mainly it will be for my days off or for cooling the house in the early evening while I get ready for work, we don’t need it at night at all.   I am still scared to see the power bill.  DH say it will not be any worse than running 5 fans for the entire day like we do now.   We’ll see.

As you all know I have bitched and belly ached about my hatred of exercise.  And as you all know that I walk, and I walk a lot at work.  I do wear a pedometer and that is how I know how far I walk, it doesn’t count steps thou and that would be cool.   I think if I was to exercise, I would love to jog.   But the vision of all the flab and the pouchy stomach flopping around, and my thighs whistling as a run kinda is a real turn off for me.   I can just see my stomach bouncing up and down, and my boobs flopping, and my HUGE ass causing hurricane force winds as a pass someone………….BUT……….I think I would like to learn how to jog.  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to start?  Remember I hate walking, but I am sure that is where I have to start.  How do I get started on jogging?  Just run, or do I start slowly, or do I push for a mile or what?  What if I have a fookin heart attack?   What if someone else does just watching me run?   WTF, I know CPR

Well the weekend has arrived and all is well.  I am working a 14 hour shift tonight but then off for Sat and Sun.  Glorious :)  The weather is perfect and life is good.

Exercise sucks!   I never have liked to exercise and probably never will.  I can dig in my heels better than anyone I know and make more excuses than a 5 year old.  I hate exercise.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I walk 6 to 9 miles a shift.  WTF   That is exercise…right?   Why should I go for walks on my day off??  I do still use my elliptical.  Only do 2 miles a day and only on my days off, but that is exercise…right?  And I shop, that is walking….exercise…right?    And I do love to go hiking and as soon as the doctor gives me permission to do so, I will start to hike again.  You cannot live in Hawaii and not hike

I read about you all and your yoga, walking 45 minutes etc and I feel so damn lazy.   I HATE EXERCISE!

But then again, I hate being fat and unfit.   So if I must…..sigh!

I see so many overweight people that come into the hospital and I mean obese.  We in Hawaii have a real problem with obese.  We have many people that are over 350 pounds or more.  And I see them unable to move themselves in bed, walk or enjoy life and I wonder how they could do that to themselves…..They have ulcers on their legs, diabetes and all kinds of health problems.  They will be sitting in our ER waiting for admission to the floor, and the next thing they are whining cause they are hungry!!!  WTF.   So out goes a family member and comes back with bags and I mean literally bags of junk food from McDonalds or Burger King and the whole family sit in the ER room and consume these bags.   And the patient is suppose to be sick!!  I see diabetics eating fries and burgers with a milkshake to wash it all down…….   I don’t understand it. 

I know how hard it is to lose weight, I am there.  I am overweight, but there has to be a time when you see what you are doing to your health and you say….NO MORE   Sad situation.

TOP TEN REASON FOR ME TO LOSE WEIGHT

10.  size 8 please

9.  I want to be able to breath when I walk

8.  I want to remain healthy

7.   I want to like what I see in the mirror, no muffin top please or double chin

6.  I don’t want my family to be ashamed of me

5.   I want to play and dance until I am 90

4.  I want to look pretty

3.  I want to be able to try on anything I see and it fits

2.  I don’t want food to control me

and the number one reason I want to lose weight is…………..

1.  I want to be able to play with my grand daughter, and to live to see her grow up.

There is no food in the world that is worth more than that….none.

I decided today to change the name of my blog.  I had two reasons really.  The first was that I noticed that someone had the same blog name as mine………..!  So I changed mine.   The second was:  that is exactly where I live and what I am doing

This is my third shift and have to admit to being a bit tired.  I have two days off after this thou… I have to go to a staff meeting in the morning before I go home, so it will be a long shift.

Thankfully despite there being a big old full moon outside, this weekend has been calm and not crazy. 

DH gave both pups a bath and a hair cut today while I was sleeping.  They look so pretty!   That is my job usually so it is nice that he did it and I get a break.  Would not be so bad but our cocker HATES his bath.  And he hates being groomed too!  

Diet wise, still doing okay, but did have a couple sips of Pepsi today…..OMG.  Thought I had died and gone to heaven.  It was wonderful, crisp and refreshing.  Got to stay the hell away from that stuff……….

Isn’t it sad we have to “stay away” from the stuff we love?   I love pizza and pepsi, and cold beer on a hot day.  I love Mexican and Chinese.   I literally will crave fajitas!   And a baileys over ice, and a soft ice cream cone, and a, and a, and a………..no no must not go there!   Must stay away.

Damn where is that sugar free gum???

Not much to report here at all, boy I live a boring life!   Work, eat and sleep, same old, same old……Gawd I love it.  I am so glad to be back to a routine and feeling good and life is really not half bad after all.

Diet wise I am still doing great.  Not fantabulous, but great.  I am still away from the sugar, at least as far as the licorice Goodies are concerned.  Have not had even one tiny teeny morsal

I have on the other hand had Mexican, pizza and a piece of Turtle Pie…..OMG!  I can feel my ass falling as I type.  Strange thou as I have absolutely no feelings of guilt or remorse.  It was damn good, I liked it, in fact I loved it.  The good part is that I only ate half of what I usually eat if that, but I still ate what I wanted.  I kinda like this part.   And I stayed at my points!

Got my aquarium up and going as well too.  I used to have a beautiful salt water tank when I lived in Oahu, but no place to get salt water fish here in Kauai so I have a fresh water tank.   The fish are not as colorful or as exotic, but a whole hell of a lot cheaper.  I paid 3 dollars a fish vs  50 bucks a fish for saltwater.   I love the tank, it is relaxing and calming to watch.  It is a big tank, 50 gallons so I have room for some big fish and quite a few fish as well.  I go for the semi aggressive as they are a bit prettier.

DH is still golfing and has met a few men that he is now golfing with, thank you God!   He is actually leaving the house without me……………..go figure!    Now if he would just get a job that gets him out of the house, gets paid what he should get paid, and grow some balls……but that is a whole nother story!   And my mood is too good to be thinking that way right now.   I am hanging on to my good mood for all it is worth because I know how fragile it is and the dark pit is always just on the other side….

Oh and I think the fookin HRT is finally kicking in, I only have had about a dozen hot flashes tonight inside of 50 gazillion…..  You would think with all this sweating I am doing that I would shrink

Oh well, back to work I go….

ciao