Losin it in Paradise

Just got off work and had a really good night.  My first night in forever that I did not pig out the entire night.  I walked away from the cakes and cookies and chocolate……did I mention that night nurses have the worst diets ever?

I usually have to tried something on every floor when I am doing my rounds, so I graze all night and then I eat MY lunch, and then I graze somemore…no grazing last night and I really did not miss it.

I brought my lunch and some fruit and that is what I stuck with.  And I drove by McDonald on the way home, key word drove BY…..  I dont even like McDonalds but I would have stopped for a Egg McMuffin anyway and eaten it on the way home and kicked my ass on the way home, and then felt guilty and fat and stoopid all day, or at least until lunch.

This time, I passed it by.  I came home and had some low fat granola and skim milk, and you know what I feel better than if I would have had the greasy McMuffin…

So today I feel proud, and know what????   I rock!

Time for bed, tonight will be another challenge.

Sweet dreams.

Oh yeah, for all you nice people who have left comments, I am meaning to reply but I am so new to this blog thing, and I get lost in here so easy, and I tried to add everyone on my blogroll but it won’t work, so write again, I am not being a snob I promise.

Lisa I hope you are doing okay, haven’t heard from you.

Just got home from Oahu.  Busy day, quick meeting.  They served lunch and I was proud of myself, had 1/2 of a chicken wrap with H20.  I am still hanging in there. 

I know that it is only going well right now cause my motivation factor is on high, but I also know me very well, and I am prone to disappointment and frustration and I am really weak on will power.

But I am the only one that can do this, so pull up your big girl pants and get on with it!

If I cheat the only one I will hurt is me and I am so sick and tired of hurting me.

Made it thru the first day, and down about 3 pound today, but that is water weight and I know it, but will take what I can get.

Flying to Oahu to a meeting this morning.  They will supply lunch so hope there is a salad choice, but just in case I brought my NS power bar.

I am hoping that seeing myself on this blog everyday will help.  I have to be totally honest cause if I lie on here, then I am lying to myself and that will not help at all.

My hubby whom I asked so nicely to help me with this battle came home last night with a box of Molson Canadian Ice….yes that is beer.  I used to love that beer and have not had one since I moved from Canada to Hawaii in 1999.   I hate american beer, so he thought we would bring me a nice treat even thou I have had a beer for years!   I went YIKES, you know I am dieting why do you do that?  HIM is always doing things like that, I am dieting so he buys me a homemade ice cream maker,  now the beer.  I made him put it in the back room, would not let him put it in the fridge at all.   Now I don’t really feel that is a tempation for me cause I am not a beer drinker, but do you see what I mean????

HIM is always trying to muck up my dieting.  HIM is overweight, loves to eat junk food, and I think he hates to see me dieting, he feels he is losing a pig out buddy.

When I first met my HIM, he was fit and fabulous.  A marital arts instructor, a jogger, rode bikes for miles and also did no hold bar fighting.  I was also thinner but not as fit, but we used to hike and ride bikes together as well as go to the desert and target practise.  When we moved to Hawaii he took a job that allows him to work at home.  Now he does NOTHING.  He sits in front of the computer and eats all day……junk!   He has a TV in his office and that is all he does.  He no longer works out, rides his bike, runs or does his marital arts.  He has gone from a size 32 waist to a size 38 and cannot figure out why!!!!!

We have been here for over 3 years and he goes no where, he know no one person on this island so has no friends, but ME.  I feel so pressured to alwasy be entertaining him, and being is buddy.  I have no friends of my own cause I feel guilty that he has no friend and don’t want to leave him home alone.  So we do EVERYTHING together, we are glued at the hip……I HATE IT

Cannot talk to him about it because he always says, “you can go out and have friends, I don’t care”  but he is so passive agressive, I would have to put up with the sighs and the depressed looks on his face, so I stay and be with him always and we eat together.  No more hiking or beach or anything for some reason.

I think he is depressed but he denies it, says he doesn’t need friends and is alright and is happy with his life, his job, his yard and his home renos he is doing……sigh

Life sucks sometimes.

Well I had better go and finish getting ready to fly to Oahu.

Another day……same ole same old

Just wanted to put some other things down that really bother me.  I am married, not so happy.  He is a great guy, just no chemistry.  My first husband was the love of my life, but totally toxic.  This time I married for friendship more than anything.  Totally non physical relationship and I know a lot of that is becasue of how I feel about this body of mine.

My husband, who will be known as HIM, is younger than I am by 14 years.  I was 40 pounds lighter when I married him, so was he

He is my biggest supporter but also my biggest enemy.  He is a junk food junkie and a chocolaholic.  He shows no mercy.  Our house is a mine field, every cupboard I open has junk food in it!  I told him he has to help me, and he agrees but the minute I start to fold he passive agressively helps me to fold.  I know he means well, and I know he loves me to death, but he is no help at all.

Not his fault thou, that I am where I am.  I am the one that keeps filling my face.  I am the only one that can do this.

My sugar cravigns are sometimes unbearable and no willpower ….bad combination.

You would think that being a nurse, I would have more common sense….fook!

Well here I am starting again.  Seems like I have been fighting my weight all my life.  One diet after another, lose then gain again.

I am on NS now and really like it.  Did well for a month, lost 13 pounds, and then went crazy with ice cream and pizza and anything I could stuff in my fat mouth…I feel like such a loser and not in a good way.

So today I decided to get back on program, grow up and try again.  I guess the only way you really lose the battle is if you quit the war.

So I took a fat picture of my jelly belly and put it where I can see it daily and if that doesn’t motivate me nothing will.

And hopefully a daily journel will as well.

Good luck to me.

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