Did I ever mention that I am a control freak??  Yup that is me, totally.  I have to been in control all the time…don’t show emotion, control the environment, myself and most of the people around me.  I feel completely lost and helpless when I lose that control……

I am not in control now.  I fear for my son, I fear for my grand daughter, and yes, I even fear for my DIL.  And there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  Even thou he is my “baby”  he is 33 years old and an adult.  He has to go thru this, I cannot protect him nor stop him from hurting.   I so remember my divorce, did my mom feel like I am now?  I imagine she did, but she stayed neutral and loving.  Always there when I needed her, but always on the outside never butting in and taking over, or telling me I was wrong or right.  Just that she loved me….   It is a good memory of my mom, and she was still drinking at the time.  I also remember thinking that maybe she didn’t care, that all she cared about was the booze, but I see now that she stayed away because she LOVED me.  Because she knew that I had to feel the pain and to go thru this even thou she didn’t want me to hurt either.  Pain is all  part of growing up…isn’t that sad?

But that pain made me stronger, made me who I am today.  I am no longer weak and passive.  I would never had dared to packed up and leave Canada for parts unknown, to try out new adventures.  I would never be where I am now professionally or personally if I had not gone thru what I did in my past.  For that I am grateful.

My son will be a better man for this too I am sure.  He is like me and is strong, but sensitive to a fault at times.  He will grow with this even thou he will have to hurt to get there.  He agonizes over his daughter, he life with his wife….15 years is a long time to say goodbye to no matter how you feel now.

But I still want to hold him in my arms kiss the soft spot on his neck, take his pain away and tell him that Mommy will make it all go away and it will get better………..maybe he already know that?  Maybe he knows that mommy would if she could………….. if she could……but I am not in control……heartbreak sucks.