I think life would be easy if you just did not have to live it………or if you got a million do overs, or if guilt did not exist, or if everyone was perfect, or if nothing really mattered, or no one got hurt, or no one needed love or forgiveness

I just spend two weeks with my son and DIL.  It was my grand daughter’s first birthday.  It should have been such a happy time.  But is was not.  I cried so much.  My son and DIL are having marital problems.  Why shouldn’t they?  I was divorced by the time my son was my grand daughter’s age, why should it be different for my son?  Because I want it to be…because I want him to be happier than I was, to not hurt like I did, to not have to be alone.  I don’t want my grand daughter to not be raised in a two parent home, to not know her dad, or to not know me.   What if my DIL falls in love with someone else and she has a new mother in law and then a new grandma and I am not wanted anymore.  That happens, OMG, I feel my heart break as I say the words.  I don’t want that for my son, I don’t want that for me, I don’t want that for my DIL and I don’t want that for my grand daughter.   Life is not fuckin fair, but I knew that, I have always know that.

They love each other, they are hurting right now.  My DIL is severely depressed.  They are working 7 days a week, no time for each other, the new baby, own three businesses.  No wonder times are tough for them.  They are willing to go to counseling.  I can only hope, and love and support and be here for them.

Sometimes I think we get punished for the things we did as parents.  I was a kid when I had my son.  Just 19 years old.  Thought I was so wise.  Then 20 and divorced and a single parent.  My poor child.  Then I am back in school and trying to raise a kid.  They don’t come with instructions, they don’t teach you how to be a parent.  When my son was 14 I sent him to live with his dad.  I was losing control of him.  He was stealing and breaking into the school.  I don’t think he ever forgave me for that, but it was the best thing I ever did, the hardest thing I ever did but the best thing.  He straightened right out and became an honor student and is a good and honest man and I can credit his dad for that.  He moved back with me as soon as he turned 17 and graduated and got a job, but I think a part of him will always feel like I gave him away.  I know that I always will feel guilty about it.  Like I abandoned him, but I had to.  He is such a good man and I am so proud of him, but I feel that we lost something when I sent him away.  Like a good mother would never do that.

I did not even go home and visit my dad when I was in Canada, with all the drama with my son and my DIL, I could not face a visit with my dad.  It is hard enough at the best of time to try to visit or have a relationship with my dad, but with the way I am feeling now I could not do it.  And if my brothers would have been anywhere near him, I would have been a mess and I would not have been able to cope.  Usually I am strong enough to get thru it, but I am anything but strong right now.  In fact emotional wreck would be a good term.  So I made the hard choice to just not visit and to just avoid adding to the stress right now.  Of course it added to the guilt but that is okay.

Well, I can only hope and pray that things will work out for them.

All this talk about the book the Secret.   Two weeks ago I knew nothing about it, then all of a sudden, I am reading about it on the blogs here, and then my bff back in Canada is telling me her DH is reading it and then I see one of the nurses here reading it, and I think WTF, maybe I should look into it and see what the hell all the talk is about.  I am one big sceptic when it come to stuff like this so will let you know what I think.

My fur baby, Zachary, is home and doing well.  He is kinda like a post stroke patient right now.  Weak but walking.  He is almost done with his medications, and can go for short walks.  He is not allowed to jump at all anymore.  We have to lift him into the car etc.  He is a bit changed personality wise, almost like he knows how close he came to dying, but he is still Zachary and I love him to pieces and and am so glad he is home with us.

My DH has been surprising strong and supportive during the whole upset with my family and Zachary and all which is totally out of character for him, but a nice and welcome relief for me.  Nice to have someone to lean on and be strong instead of it always being me.  I am not feeling strong at all at this point right now.