Having a much better day today.  Not feeling the anger I felt yesterday, so I am more at peace.

I know that a lot of my anger is internal, and aimed at me, but easier to take out on someone else.  Blessedly, I have a patient husband that more or less blows me off when I am in a bad mood.

When I was younger I used to have black rages.  Totally fly and not even remember, just come out of almost like a trance, not knowing why I was so anger, or that I had said or done the things I did.  I did go thru some therapy, and realize a lot has to do with the childhood sexual abuse, and being raised by alchoholic parents.  But I also realize that there comes a time in your life where you have to say, “I am an adult now, and I alone am responsible for my actions, and cannot keep using my childhood as an excuse.” 

I am the only one in my family to graduate from high school, go to university and get a degree.  I am the only one in my family that does not drink.

I lost my mom last year and miss her terribly.  She was a recovering alcoholic.  She had been sober for 15 years.  I was so proud of her, still am.  She became the mother I always wanted when I was a kid.  I love her alot.  My dad and I have a stuggling relationship.  We had none at all until my mom died, and I saw him for the old man he was, and thought I cannot hate you forever.  But it is hard to be close to him when we never were, but I do try to talk to him.  You know I will be 50 this year, and my father has never once ever picked up the phone to call me, not to say hello, happy birthday or anything.  My two brothers I have nothing to do with.  My kid brother is a drunk, a waste of air.  My older brother is a bully, he is mean and not nice, so I stay away.  Have not seen them for years.

So I don’t have much for family at all.  My husband, and my son and his family.  But they are all I need.  My son is my life, as is my grand daughter.  I am blessed.

I have a lot to be proud of regarding myself.  I raised a great young man, and did it myself.  I put myself thru nursing school while raising a young son.  And I did it myself.

So if I am that strong, and that determined, why do I continue to hide behind my fat.  Why do I continue to feel worthless and unworthy?  Why do I continue to have this anger?

Will I ever be truly content and happy?  Will I have be able to accept love?  

Again I am in a wondering mood, but that is okay.  This is my blog and I can feel what I want and be safe to say what I want…..in here I am safe.