Well believe it or not, I have a day off….you would think I would be happy to have a day off finally, but for some reason EVERYTHING is bugging me today.

I am offically SICK of my husband.  What has he done you say???  Nothing, I am just sick of him.  I woke up in one of my pissed off moods, and I cannot shake it…lets see if I can figure out why..

-I have been eating like a pig…literally

-I have gained weight not lost because of the pigging out…literally

-I am having problems getting back on program, and just want to let go and binge

-I have no fooking willpower lately

So instead of being a big girl (literally) I am a pissed off girl and taking it out on everyone.

BUT in my defense, my husband is driving me crazy.  As stated before in past blogs, he works from home, is a self employed contractor, so he is always in my face.  He comes in the house 50 fookin times a day, and I DON’T CARE IF HE IS ANGRY AT MR V, THE GUY HE CONTRACTS TO, I DON’T CARE IF HE IS HAVING A BAD DAY.

Why don’t I care?  Because he does not have the balls to speak up to MR V.  He runs him ragged and he just takes it, he under pays him all the time, and he just takes it.  He is like that with everything, Mr. Passive Aggressive.   Gawd forbid he ever opens his mouth to stand up for himself, or make a decision, or take control of ANYTHING.  He is weak, and I feel more like his “mommy” than his wife.  So he just keeps on taking it and then whines non stop to me, as if I should fix it for him like I do everything else…

When I first met him, I thought he was a strong man.  He came off as so macho, but it was all a cover.  It was his performance in front of his friends that is all,  in reality he is a mush.

Cannot make a decision if his life depended on it.  He is totally afraid of confrontation of any kind.  He is a child!  And I am so sick of being his mother.  He cannot even make the decision to go home and see his own mother who has just been told she has CANCER.  I refuse to tell him one more time that he needs to go, because he is so full of excuses, and wants to be “forced” to go rather than make the decision himself…..no way not this time, no way

I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE, AND DEAL WITH HIS OWN FOOKIN LIFE! 

Okay, now on to another rant :)

I AM FAT!  There I said it, I am not pleasantly plump, I am not fluffy, I am FAT!  Why am I fat?  Because I eat too much, and I eat the wrong foods.  BUT I LIKE FOOD!  I like pizza, and ice cream, I like hotdogs and hamburgers and french fries.  I like macaroni and cheese………..why do I have to live on salads and nutri system?????  BECAUSE I AM FAT!

Why can’t they invent a pill that will make junk food taste bad, and salads taste wonderful?  I like salads, but not as my main food, and then of course my favorite salad is Caesar Salad…figures!

So we are going into town today to pick out flooring for our living room.  Mr. Passive Aggressive or Mr. PA as I will call him from now on, promised me yesterday that he will take off early so we can go.  It is now 2:oopm and he has not even told Mr. V he is going.  He just said, can’t you go in alone and see if you like anything?  IF I WANTED TO DO THAT, I WOULD HAVE GONE YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS IN TOWN.  I WANT SOME HELP PICKING IT OUT.  But no, it will probably all fall on me just like the entire rest of the house renovation go, he cannot even help me pick out colors……he just goes, “whatever makes you happy.”  FOOK

Anyway, I got off on another rant, when I just wanted to say, that I will probably EAT what I should not when I go to town.  It is too easy to just grab a burger and fries and say to hell with it.

Where is my will power?  I had some last week.  What did I do with it????

Who do I get back on track?  Am I doomed to be FAT all my life?  It is so hard to try and break down the barrier.  My wall, my insulation, my protection, my fat.  When I am fat, nothing can get thru, nothing can hurt me, no one can see me, I am a jolly fat person, a non entity….no one.   BUT I AM NOT, I AM SOMEONE, AND I AM NOT JOLLY ALL THE TIME, AND I DO HURT…..does someone see me?