Have you ever just sat and wondered?

How did I get so fat?  I was skinny in elementary school.

Why do I make bad choices in my life, whether it is food, relationships etc?

If I know better why do I still do it?

Just wondering………

I am feeling okay, I am still on program if you don’t count the tiny bite of the eclair I had this evening.  But I am working a 16 hour shift, so I think I will walk it off.  I am just feeling pensive, not blue, not sad, just lost in thought.

I am at work, have been here since 3pm and it is now 9:30pm, and I don’t get off work until 7am.  It has been a very busy and stressful night so far.

Tonight I had to ship a baby (3months) to Oahu via MediVac.  The mom brougth him to the ER cause his tummy was swollen and he did not seem right the past couple days.  Two hours after his admission to ER, the doctors had to tell this brand new mom that he baby has cancer……………THE FOOKIN CANCER AGAIN!

This cancer shit has no feelings, it doesn’t care who it hurts or who it hurts.  First my best friend’s mom is dying of brain cancer right now this minute, my mom in law was dx with ovarian cancer last week, and now I have had to watch a mom dissolve before my eyes, as she is told her baby is going to die.

I have been a nurse so long, but today I wish I was anything but, I don’t know if I can do this anymore, but I dont’ know if I can do anything else.  I was born to do this.

I always wondered…..wondering again.  Am I fat cause I insulated myself?  Against the childhood sexual abuse, the abuse of my ex, the pain and death I see at work.  Do I put up the buffer of fat thinking it will protect me?  If so, it is time I realized it is not working.   I still feel the pain……….

Just wondering…