Losin it in Paradise

Only a week left until I fly to Canada to see my grand daughter…woohoo!  I so excited.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday, or I should say she talked…..I understood about 1/8 of what she said, but my she is just babbling away now.  Hard to believe she will be two years old already.

I am still running, and still loving it.  I am trying to get in two runs a day now instead of one.  I only run on my days off and it has been the best thing I ever did.  The only exercise I actually look forward to…..I must admit there are days I have to force myself to do it cause i can come up with a million excuses, but once I get out there and run, I feel so good and so proud of myself.

Diet wise I still suck, so have decided to try something different.  I saw a coworker the other day and she has lost over 50 pounds in 4 months and looks fantastic.  I asked her how she did it and she said high protein.  I am not a big fan of Atkins so asked her if that was what she did, and no……what she does is has two liquid meals.  She uses muscle milk which is high protein.  Then for her meal she has a huge salad with either shrimp or chicken for the protein.  She also has one fruit a day, fresh not canned.  She looks great, feels great and said it was so easy.

So I decided to give it a try.  She is going to help me and be my inspiration.  I also signed up on the web site, “myfooddiary.com”  to keep track of my exercise, food intake etc.  It is $9 month but so worth it.  It will tell you if you are eating too much or too little, to much salt, too many calories, too much fat in your diet etc.  It is by far the best on line food diary I have found.  I find myself religiously recording everything cause I want a green smiley face……yes I am a sucker for instant gratification….hate those red frowny faces…

On the home front, things are looking up with DH and I.  We seem to be finding ourselves again.  His working away from home has really been a bonus.  He is feeling more confident and proud, and I am actually looking forward to his weekend at home.  We are talking more, laughing more, and for the first time in over 3 years, we are getting physical…….I won’t go into detail, but I will say there are definate benefits to having him work away from home.

Work wise, I am continuing to work my butt off.  We have had a rash of horrid MVA lately, and I am so tired of the carnage.  We have also seen a rash of suicides and suicide attempts.  Maybe the downfall of the economy is adding to that.  I don’t know but I hate suicides, families never recover from them.  There is never any closure, and the quilt of the survivors is relentless….I wish that people that killed themselves had to hang around in a kind of limbo to watch the sorrow and grief they cause, and they would have to feel it as well….   When I was a senior in high school my bf shot himself, no warning, no classic signs, just went home after a party and took his dad’s gun and shot himself in the head.  No note, no nothing, just gone……..I still grieve….his family totally fell apart after that.  His sister turned to drugs and alchohol, his dad died shortly after and his mom was never right again.  It was over for him, but his family is still suffering.  How cruel can you be?

Oh well, I shall not dwell on the past…..I am going to just x off the days until I leave to see my son and grand daughter….

ciao…..

Well I have been MIA for a couple weeks.  Frankly I guess I am just not too good at daily blogging.  I don’t have a way with the written word like Ruby Jean and Anngirl.  I actually bore myself so imagine what I am doin to ya’ll.

Hubby is doing great,  put up with a lot of whining and belly aching the first two weeks he had to work in Oahu.  I had to bite the inside of my cheeks to keep from screaming.  It was so frustrating listening to him whine and moan…”poor me”    BUT then he was finally given that raise he has been asking for……fook…only took four years!   But it was a hell of a gooder, and he also gets all his expenses paid as well….ie:  airfare, meals, lodging etc.  So he is feeling pretty proud of himself right now, and rightfully so.  I feel he is finally getting what he has deserved for a long time.  And the nice thing about this raise is that as production increases so will his raise.  It is not just a one raise and we will talk in a year, it will be based on how he produces.  So it is an incentive for him to work hard, as well as a reward for when he does…

Diet wise…I suck!  nuff said as she sits here with her muffin top hanging out and her double chin bobbing in the breeze.

One good thing I am doing…running!  Yup still at it and still lovin it.  Hubby got me a treadmill and it is a really good one and will even take my weight without a problem.  And so much easier on the knees.  I run 3 to 4 times a week.  I run 1.5 miles per run.  My goal is to run 3 miles per run for 9 to 12 miles per week for the six months and then increase it to 5 miles per run or 15 to 20 miles per week.  My ultimate goal is to be able to run 10 miles per run or 30 to 40 miles per week.  But I am a long ways from that goal, so just mini goals for now.

I am going to Canada on October 12th for my grand daughter’s 2nd birthday.  Wow can you believe she is going to be 2 already?   I can hardly wait to see her and my son.  I miss them so much.

Things are still bad between my son and DIL.  They are still together, but not sure how much longer.  I am not going to stay at their place when I am in Canada, too much tension.  I am goin to stay with a really good friend.  She lives only 5 mins from them, so I will be able to be there with my grand daughter all the time, but won’t stay there.  My son is totally cool with it.  I just told my DIL that they don’t have the room now that her niece is there and working for them.  And that is true too, so it works out fine.

Well that is what has been up with me.  I will try to stay in touch more, but won’t make promised that it will be daily.  I do miss you guys, so sorry I haven’t been around.  But I do get in here and read once in a blue moon just to make sure everyone is okay….

ciao

Well I got a treadmill for my birthday.  Steve got me a really good one.  Has all kinds of bells and whistles.  I am liking it and finding it so much easier to run on.  So far I a have done 1.5 miles every day this week.  No knee pain, no shin splints etc.   I find it is so much easier on the entire body to run on a treadmill vs the hard road.  Not as scenic but a lot easier.  I am going to increase to 2 miles next week and the add 10% every week until I am doing 5k without exertion.  Then I will alternate between the treadmill and running along the ocean for a change of scenery.

I went with a treadmill because it is too hard during the day to run, and with DH now in Oahu Monday to Friday, I am uneasy running at night by myself.  Hense the treadmill.  I can run in the safety of my own yard, and my pups are with me and it is safer.  Our exercise “room”  is a room that has only two side built out of bamboo and a conrete floor.  It is attached to our carport and surrounded by hibicus plants and palm trees.  I love it, always a cool mauka breeze and the sound of the wave breaking against the shore.  It is like running outside without the danger.

Diet wise I have not been too good.  I have been eating whatever I want.  I am trying to stay within 1000 calories a day for two weeks and then increase to 1200, but the weekends are killing me.  That is when DH is home and we always go out to eat and I am not fookin strong enough to just have salad,   I don’t want a fuckin salad….I want meat..!!!  And Saimin, and pizza….shit WTF

I cannot seem to get a handle on the eating thing again.  I was doing so well and then BOOM, the old appetite took over, even thou I know half the time when I eat I am not even hungry……FUCK

I was trying to eat granola bars at work, and avoid the chocolates and yummies that are alway there, then I read what is in granola bars and decide to make my own.  I just threw together some dried fruit, nuts and sunflowers with some rolled oats, added honey instead of corn syrup and 1/2 the amount of brown sugar, used real butter not margerine, and baked.  It turned out great.  Now I know it is high in calories, but a much healthier snack than chips, and chocolate etc.  So I keep some of it in the fridge now for my munchy days or when I just need a pep up.

Today I am going back on line to my other diet blog where I use as a food journel and I am going to keep track without skipping days or cheating.  Causing I am not cheating anyone but myself….

Well I have to work a double tonight, so best go and shower and get ready.  The 3fc website has been blocked on our company computers, so cannot write at work anymore, that sucks.

Just one more way for corporate to ruin things…

I just finished having five whole days to myself.  And they were wonderful.  I only had to work one of those five days too!!!  So I got to stay home with just me and the pups. Had a pedicure and nails done, soaked in my tub, putts around in the yard with my orchids and just had a blissful five days.

My DH had his first week in Oahu.  Orginally when he went it was suppose to be for 3 days, but his boss asked him to make it 5 days.  He wants him to be there for 5 days for a month so they can get the shop in shape and work all the kinks out of this new change.  The money issue is still up in arms and I am not sure if my DH is ballsy enough to stick up for himself……same ole shit!  I told him that a month is fine, but if Van can not come up with some definite money in a month, then Fuck him.  We are not going to take on DH living in Oahu five days and week, commuting etc if there is no raise.  The only one that will benefit from that is Van, and me from having some space every week, but space also has to go with raise, cause I cannot do this alone anymore. 

Then DH gets home from Oahu tonight, so we had about an hour to visit before I had to leave for work, and all he did was whine…WTF.   Cause he had to be away all week…..I reminded him that when we first met I travel nursed and was often gone for months, and that we all have to do what needs to be done.  He then whined back with, “but you had it better than me cause you had an apartment”  WTF.  I then told him to stop whining that it was he that decided he would be going to Oahu and he has only done it for one week and already is “poor meing”…….GOD!  will he ever grow any??

Anyway nuff of that.  i just am not going to listen to him when he whines.  i hate his poor me attitude, and he has always been like that, so not going to change him, but I sure in hell don’t have to listen.

WEIGHT WISE…..I have now gone to fat pig status.  I am back in my 14s, feel like a shit bag and ripple when I walk.  No, not ripple…thunder when I walk.  It is a good thing scrubs don’t come in corduroy or I would break the sound barrier when I walk…..WTF.   I did so well and now all of a sudden I am obsessed with food again.  And not the good stuff either…

I think I need a friken food lobotomy…

My thighs look like two pink pot belly pigs running side by side when I waddle down the hallways, and my ass…OMG….my ass……sob……

Had the day off yesterday.  Totally blew the diet.  Wasn’t bad having the barbqued hamburger, only had one and no fries.  Even the peach and the mango salso was okay.   BUT then I ate a whole damn bag of Good & Plenty!!!!!  WTF

So today I am tryin to be better.  Got to work tonight and they called a code as soon as I walked in the door, so spent the first 1 1/2 hours of my shift doing CPR.  Now I am all sweaty and yucky.

DH will be going to Oahu for his first week come Monday…YAHOO!  I even changed shifts so that I get Monday and Tuesday off to have the whole house to ME ME ME….

Saturday is my b’day, yes I am fooking OLD!   DH is taking me out for seafood and I am not sure what else he has planned.  He wants to know what I want for me b’day.  Told him he can never go wrong with jewelry or massages…..

Things still in the air with DIL and son.  My heart is sore thinking about it.

Well had best go make another round and make sure all is well……cannot sneak up on anyone anymore thou cause my thigh friction is too loud…

I rreally don’t like the new lay out at all.  Too confusing and certainly not as user friendly as the old way.

Sorry I have been MIA, life has a way of getting in the way of blogging.  And with my boring life, I really had nothing to report.

Nothing has changed with my son and DIL.  Divorce is still in the talks, but then they are also talking about coming to visit in Sept….I think it would be nice if they could remain friends.  But I don’t see that happening.  I think with her periods of insanity and rages and then the lulls, that she really doesn’t believe he will leave.  And she think she hates him, but if he goes she will really hate him and that is so sad because they have been such good friends and I know he cares about her.

And then of course there is Courtney :(   Just once it would be nice to see a happily ever after.

Diet wise I am okay, not great but okay.  I have been watching calories and wrting down EVERY THING I eat, and wow…..it is amazing how little it takes to make those calories sky high.  It has been a real eye opener to me, so really am trying to watch it and so far have lost 4 pounds just doing that.  Eating everything but just not allowing myself to go over 1600 calories a day. 

The hormones are doing well.  I had to lower the dose of testosterone as it was causing oily skin and breakouts.  No beard thou…hahaha!    If any of you are going thru menopause or perimenopause, I really encourage you to read “ageless” by Suzanne Somers.  I know she is an actress and should know nothing about hormones, but believe me when I tell you she does.  That book helped me so much, on how to approach the doctor, on what I should be looking for and asking for, and what my body needs.  I feel great.  I feel like someone gave me back 10 years.  And my hair no longer falls out and I find that my stomach pouch is shrinking……WTF   Now her book is not the bible and she does have some way out there things, but for the most part she is right on.  My doctor has been great and is also open to trying these things, and the best part is my pharmacist also read her book and is really into compounding hormones…..how righteous is that?

I hate this new layout!  Fuck

Now if I was Ruby Jean, I could probably say that really nicely…..but fuck!

Hubby goes to Honolulu on the 25th for the start of the three days a week he will be spendin there.  Money is not solidified yet, but so far the talks are good.   He better go fast or he will be smothered in his sleep one night.

Well best get back to work……yawn!

 Did I ever mention that I am a control freak??  Yup that is me, totally.  I have to been in control all the time…don’t show emotion, control the environment, myself and most of the people around me.  I feel completely lost and helpless when I lose that control……

I am not in control now.  I fear for my son, I fear for my grand daughter, and yes, I even fear for my DIL.  And there is not a damn thing I can do about it.  Even thou he is my “baby”  he is 33 years old and an adult.  He has to go thru this, I cannot protect him nor stop him from hurting.   I so remember my divorce, did my mom feel like I am now?  I imagine she did, but she stayed neutral and loving.  Always there when I needed her, but always on the outside never butting in and taking over, or telling me I was wrong or right.  Just that she loved me….   It is a good memory of my mom, and she was still drinking at the time.  I also remember thinking that maybe she didn’t care, that all she cared about was the booze, but I see now that she stayed away because she LOVED me.  Because she knew that I had to feel the pain and to go thru this even thou she didn’t want me to hurt either.  Pain is all  part of growing up…isn’t that sad?

But that pain made me stronger, made me who I am today.  I am no longer weak and passive.  I would never had dared to packed up and leave Canada for parts unknown, to try out new adventures.  I would never be where I am now professionally or personally if I had not gone thru what I did in my past.  For that I am grateful.

My son will be a better man for this too I am sure.  He is like me and is strong, but sensitive to a fault at times.  He will grow with this even thou he will have to hurt to get there.  He agonizes over his daughter, he life with his wife….15 years is a long time to say goodbye to no matter how you feel now.

But I still want to hold him in my arms kiss the soft spot on his neck, take his pain away and tell him that Mommy will make it all go away and it will get better………..maybe he already know that?  Maybe he knows that mommy would if she could………….. if she could……but I am not in control……heartbreak sucks.

Nope, don’t think so…

Sadly seems like my son and DIL will be divorcing after all.  He is seeing a lawyer this week.  Things have gone from bad to really bad for them.  My DIL has always had anger issues, I think it comes from being an abused child, she has never been willing to get help for these issues always blaming others for her anger.  In fact she has had two criminal charges on her for hitting people…!!!  One of them is her mother, who has a restraining order against her now.    I know about this problem but she always seemed to in control when I was around.  I knew they fought and I knew she would throw things and scream and throw his stuff out in the yard, but he always managed to make light of it.  But lately it has really been bothering him, as he hates her screaming around the baby and swearing etc.  He said it is horrid and even worse now that they are divorcing.  She is telling him that he will never see his daughter again, that she will tell the courts he is a child molester.  In fact he told me yesterday that he even fears for his safety right now and didnt think he would ever feel that way.  I told him he needs a lawyer right now, and he needs to go for joint custody.  No way can he give her total control or she will take the baby away.  He is NOT a child molester, not now not ever, that is a horrid nasty and evil thing to say.  That breaks my heart.  I have loved her like a daughter for 15 years, and now she is doing this stuff to MY SON….I am between anger and heartbreak.   I dont even want my grand daughter with her right now, and if I was closer to them, I think I would be interferring so it is better that I am here.  Part of me wants to phone her and ask her “what the hell are you thinking?  What the hell do you think you are doing?”    I want to let my son handle this, but I hear the pain in his voice and the fear for him and for Courtney.  I am hoping his lawyer will tell him to demand a psych eval on his wife before any custody hearing.  I love her, but I am deadly afraid right now.  I think she has had some kind of break down and really needs help.   My son said she will not hear of it, and that she lies to her friends and to anyone else that tries to help.  I am really feeling helpless right now………

And then there is MY DH.  I am still waiting for something to come of this damn job of his.  It has been 2 months now and nothing…nada…..fuck all…    He keeps saying they are working on it.  He goes to Oahu on August 25 in what is suppose to be the beginning of his working there three days a week, but they have not discussed salary etc.   And now it comes out that HE will have to pay his own airfare, as HIS BOSS feels he cannot justify the money to fly him there to work.  WTF!  I dont’ think so……this was to be done so that he would get a raise not so we could spend more fucking money for nothing!!!!!   And DH keeps saying, “trust me”  Whenever anyone tells me that, I know trouble is coming………..I don’t fucking trust anyone.  I hear them on the phone and they are planning and scheming but nothing will come out of it, and my DH will have a million excuses as to why and why he is to weak to do anything about it…..

I HAVE FUCKING HAD IT WITH THIS LIFE……………

Yah right!

I have been so busy, I have been totally neglecting everything and everyone…sorry!   I had the weekend off and DH and I went on a really rough 5 hour hike.  We went up the Kokee mountain and hiked all the way down to the Alakai swamp and back.   OMG, I thought I was going to die on the last 50 yards up hill….  My butt cheeks are still sore from all the climbing.  

And then I worked one day and had three off….can you believe that?????   I won’t have that happen again.  So I took total advantage of the time and painted my living room, foyer, bathroom and laundry room.  Again my butt cheeks are sore from going up and down the ladder.  

Now you would think I would have a tush like iron after all this, but alas it is more like a tush of marshmellows…..sigh!

The hormones are going well.  No more hot flashes, I am sleeping a tad better, my DH says my mood is better and judging by the fact that he is still alive, he may be right :)   Started the low dose testosterone two days ago and so far no beard ……….  I go back to see the doctor in two weeks and we will see how my levels are then and if anything has to be “tweeked”

DH has his first week in Honolulu working at the shop starting August 25th….YIPPEE!!!

My days off are over and I am back with a vengence.  Working a 16 tonight, and 12s Sat and Sunday, off Monday and then 16hrs again on Tuesday with 12s Weds and Thurs but then off again for a 3 day wkend..

Diet wise, I suck!……nuff said

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ‘ESTROGEN ISSUES’

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You have the air conditioner on high and are sweating while everyone else is wearing a jacket.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space.’
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 On that little note :)   I finally went and saw a doctor, a real OBGYN, not my family doctor.  No bad against my family doc but he is a he and he is not an OBGYN.  Now why in hell I put it off as long as I did, I will never understand especially when I came out of that appointment educated, listened to and involved.  How simple is that?

I went and saw one of the female OBGYNs that work here and who I really like.  I told her about the problems I am having and about being on premarin.  Here is what we talked about and it really is a no brainer:

1.  hormones doses are NOT a one dose fits all.  And it seems that the entire female population that is on Premarin is on 0.625mg once a day.  Not all woman are alike so why should their hormone needs be alike??  

2.  lots of options besides Premarin and they are not animal products, but are bioidentical which means they are like what WE humans produce.

3.  Woman also make testosterone not just estrogen, so when we have no ovaries we don’t make either, so why do doctors just put us on estrogen?

3.  The first dose of hormones that a doctor puts you on is just a trial.  It takes testing and tweeking to find the dose that FITS YOU.

4.  Just having a hormone level that is ADEQUATE FOR YOUR AGE, is not appropriate.  It is good to have a hormone level that is healthy as it was before you were post menopausal….OR MY AGE!

5. Men will NEVER understand even if they are men doctors.

So she started me on Divogel at triple the dose of the Premarin I was taking.  I used the gel once a day.  I am also on low dose testosterone cream once a day.  And progesterone cream for 6 days a month only.  This is what I have noticed already………..I have some breast tissue again, not just two tube socks hanging on my chest.  My hair is no longer falling out in hand fulls.  I have not had a hot flash or night sweats since Monday. 

What I have not noticed yet is an increase in my libido, an improvement in my irritablility or moods, or improved insomnia.  She said that can take a while, so we are to give it 3 weeks on the same dose before we start to tweek it.

But bottom line is that I am feeling better.  And I have faith that she will help me find what is right for me.  Finally after 6 years of doing the Premarin battle, there is hope. 

So if anyone out there is on Premarin and doesn’t feel it is working for them or you are worried about the problems associated with Premarin, see a OBGYN and talk about biodentical hormones.  And if they won’t talk to you or listen to you, go to another one until you find one that will listen and talk.  Trust me it is so worth it.  No one should have to live in hormone hell…ever.

AND, she also told me that Premarin cause weight gain especially in the stomach area!!!!!    WTF, I thought it was the chocolate chip cookies