“forgiving” pants
I refuse to call them fat pants even though that’s what I’m subconsciously thinking. But you know what I mean - the pants that always close comfortably, even when you’re a little bloated or recovering from a several-day calorie spree.
Okay, so about my “forgiving” pants. I COULDN’T BUTTON THEM THIS MORNING. That is NOT a happy way to start a day. So I presently have one pair of pants I can wear, and they are worn so thin that there’s the beginnings of a hole near my crotch where my thighs rub together. I’m sure with one more wash they’ll be past the point of no return.
I need to stop thinking about weight loss and food, and I’m trying to do that, but it slaps me in the face like this morning, and what do I do?
Posted by iriswhispers on October 21st, 2008 under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »I’m clearly just procrastinating… I’ve much that needs to be done in the next 3 days (overwhelmingly much) but I prefer to bum around 3fc than face the monster workload! Trust me, this is infinitely better than trying to re-learn ventilation equations for my industrial hygiene exam.
Today I bought the 30 day shred. I’ve never seen the biggest loser and know nothing about it or jillan michaels but I have heard it’ll kick your butt, which is just what I need. At some fairly recent point, my anxiety has started getting in the way of going to the gym.
Ok… need to figure out what I’m doing for dinner. And, of course, deal with the stuff I’m putting off. =)
Posted by iriswhispers on October 20th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »More than anything
I want to be healthy. Right now - more than anything, that’s what I want. Focusing on anything else when I binge and then lay around feeling crappy for the next 24 hours is impossible!
I feel like such a mental case, seriously!! This is not NORMAL. I am getting worse instead of better.
I had a huge bout of guilt recently. I was lying in bed with a giant headache and stomach ache because I’d eaten an entire half gallon of ice cream. Plus some other odds and ends. And I felt like CRAPOLA - and I’m thinking, what right do I have? People are starving to death and I’m eating boxes of ice cream and a weeks worth of other food I’d just bought at the grocery store. And then when I’m at the checkout and they’re doing one of those fund raisers, like “$3 feeds this starving kid for a month” and ask if I want to donate I think I can’t afford it. Yeah, maybe if I wasn’t scarfing down a week’s worth of food every other day.
I’m lonely here, and food is my friend. That’s no excuse, but I think that’s really what I’m doing - I feel isolated, so I just eat, cos the food is always going to be there for me (lucky me, being an American with a job and a fully-stocked supermarket just down the street).
Posted by iriswhispers on October 16th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »D’you feel a little down today?
I do. Trying to work through it. It might help to be social but I just can’t bear to. As long as I don’t turn to food. Yesterday was the first day in a long while I didn’t binge and I’d like to follow suit with that today.
I wasn’t going to go to my evening class tonight, but I figure that’s a guaranteed 3 hours during which I WON’T be binging, so my butt better be in that chair from 4-7. Besides, skipping classes is an old pattern from when I was depressed in undergrad. I’m trying to be more mature than that and take better care of myself now. (Which also means that I should TALK to people and reach out instead of isolating myself with ice cream and cookies).
Posted by iriswhispers on October 14th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »Day 1
I’m counting today as binge-free. Although I did finish that bag of candy-corn and mellowcreme mix that my mom sent. However since I ate most of it yesterday, what was left today still fit into my calorie count! My roommate is currently making cookies and the smell is SINFUL.
Also…I’m hungry. I just ate dinner but my tummy is not ready to be finished for the day. I am also tired and would like to just go to sleep but I have to get some things done TONIGHT that need to be done for Thursday, since tomorrow I am at work and in classes and appointments all day. *sigh*
Posted by iriswhispers on October 8th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »how can I comment back?
Thanks to those who have left comments! It’s exciting! =) How can I get back to someone’s site who commented to me? I thought their username would be a link, but it’s not.
Posted by iriswhispers on October 7th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »the pants-o-meter says it’s time for a change
today I finished the other half of that carton of ice cream… and 3/4 of a bag of those stupid halloween mallocremes (the mix of regular, chocolate candy corn, and the pumpkins. divinity. pure sugar). honestly I knew if i opened the bag I’d eat them all - almost in one sitting, but not quite. Those were a gift from my mom. the 1/4 bag that remains is sitting on my desk, likely I’ll finish it tomorrow.
but the pants-o-meter… the best way, in my opinion, of measuring weight loss success, is not providing positive feedback. If I don’t get my poop in a group, i’ll have to buy all new clothes, and entirely aside from how depressing that would be, I can’t afford it! Seriously, I was budgeting a little from my next paycheck for a new outfit (target has some really cute stuff right now!) but that’s shot to the wayside because I had to purchase another book for school.
seriously. I am not fitting in my clothes. this is bad. baaaaaaaad.
Posted by iriswhispers on October 7th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »Double Chin
Today at the grocery store I was perusing the ice cream isle and was shocked to see what I thought were the words “double chin” plastered on a number of the cartons.
DUUUHHHHH… it was double churned. Although double chin may be more appropriate. I bought a carton of fat free chocolate fudge brownie. The chocolate ice cream was good, the little brownie pieces were disappointing. I’m not buying ice cream anymore - if I really want some for a treat, I’ll go to DQ or somewhere and get a full-fat real deal that’s a small size. Once and done, and surely more satisfying!
Posted by iriswhispers on October 6th, 2008 under Uncategorized | Comment now »another day, another binge
what’s a girl to do? After yesterday’s binge, and after walking a 5k first thing this morning (the Step out for Diabetes walk), I come home and binge again? *sigh*
i realized - maybe yesterday - that I don’t think I can focus on losing weight right now. I need to focus on LOVING myself and being healthy. I’ve been getting into some real self-loathing funks, and it just isn’t conducive to getting anything accomplished. Of course, all of this is much easier said than done.
I tried to lay out the basics of an eating plan for this week on sparkpeople.com. I’m still trying to decide whether I like that better or the dailyplate, but I can’t get TDP to let me put foods in for future days. The big thing for me this week will be focusing on school and work. When I really lost weight in undergrad it was by throwing myself into my studies - so my health AND my grades improved. Well… at least when I remembered to eat. But that’s why I made a food plan this time!
Posted by iriswhispers on October 5th, 2008 under Uncategorized | 2 Comments »i have a blog!
Cool, I have a blog now!
So - today was a really down day for me, but I don’t want to start my blog off like that.
I’ll start instead by saying that tomorrow I am doing the “Step out for Diabetes” walk. You can choose either a 5 or 10K route and I’d really like to do the 10… but I’m doing it with a team, so I’ll have to see what they are up for. I just need to remember my sunscreen! Big dilemma is, I don’t have any bottoms to wear. I’ve recently gained back about 10 lbs and my shorts all bunch up cos of my thighs. And the thought of wearing jeans when it’s still about 90 degrees is not too appealing to me. I even shaved my legs for this!
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