Relapse
I was doing quite well… Then I don’t know how it snuck up on me… I am in the middle of a bad relapse again.. I feel like weeping all the time… saying even one word needs such an effort.. I am so scared… Though I started off being angry… I thought I had lost my anger about R going scotfree and me taking all the grief over what has happened… I guess I am over reacting…
I am on the verge of leaving the job even earlier than planned…. I am trying to hang on for another month… just for myself… let’s see… I bunked work for quite a few days last week and have managed to drag my body in today somehow…
I know all will be well… I know I have an exciting life ahead… This is only one phase… everyone has ups and downs… I will be doing well for quite a while and then suddenly the grief will hit like a big wave and I can barely breathe…
anyway, enough of that… I am at work now… Feeling like dung… However the stay at home was not bad… I cooked some… yesterday I made pasta in spinach sauce… it came out well… then there were the beetroot parathas and beet bread rolls… I read a couple of books by Maeve Binchy… Really liked her upbeat stories… I think I will be more regular in listening to Mckenna… they kind of work… I formatted my PC and reloaded Windows… while re-partitioning, I by mistake formatted more drives than I intended to… so the upshot is that I have lost all old data, photos, books everything :).. I was surprisingly calm… I guess it was because it was my fault…. however… 
Doing some job hunting too…
Crying on your shoulders has made me feel a little better… on then, march on iniya… it will all be okay… to be precise, I am not in that much trouble, anyway…. I guess I need to have more steel in me rather than the salt pillar I am…
Love you all….
anngirl said,
July 29, 2008 @ 10:34 pm
Hugs ms. ini - lots of warm, loving and rejuvenating hugs for you. You’re right - you tread water for what seems a really decent amount of time and then ‘whooshhhhhh’ the undercurrent catches up with you.
It’s ok - it’s part of the grieving and recovering process. My friend today who was heartbroken by her boyfriend of 3 years said to me today, ‘When does it end. I want it to be over now!’
pain sucks. suffering sucks. Goodness knows I dwelled in sorrow when my relationship ended and hung onto it like a safety blanket for a good 3 years after it was over. Missing, wondering, wishing, being angry, crying, etc. But you know Ini - it didn’t have to be so long and so strong. I stifled myself so many times when I should have just let it flow in my own space & time.
Love yourself Ini - you are a true gift and you will love again - have a family and raise children who will also be joys to the world as you are….
be kind to yourself,
hang in there,
it’s almost over.
A new journey awaits you Ini.
We walk that path together darlin’ - you can always lean on us 
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox
ellabella said,
July 30, 2008 @ 6:17 am
I am so very overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of Anngirl’s “comment” - it hardly seems like a comment at all - more like the wise and wonderful words of a shaman or saint, or at the very least, of a very damned good psychologist who happens to love her patient very much.
I can’t even begin to approach Annie’s depth - just know how much we ALL care, and how much we ALL want for you to be happy, Ini. And you will be - in time.
Love,
Z
islandgrl said,
July 31, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
Anngirl said it all, only much better than I ever could. True words…..
soclose said,
July 31, 2008 @ 10:55 pm
Listen to Annie, what she said is soooo true—read it again and again when you need to. A BIG hug to you today. We ache with you; we’ve all been there and know it’s hard Ini. YOU will be fine in the end!!!!