song of the road

Things with mom are cool now. We are back to communicating freely and no more tension for now. She has given in to this decision of mine. When two people live together, there definitely would be some conflict some times. Hopefully the future conflicts will remain to that level. The problem is we hardly ever fight about small things.

Fortunately food is going all right. Lots of fruit and for most part less fatty food. Today I didn’t even have my low calorie chocolate bar.

I have got a mild cold and my TOM. Yeah, pineapple! Need to ask mom to get one.  Couldn’t go to gym today. Hopefully will go in a few days. Need to pick up on the exercising.

Brushed up my resume today after long procastination. Will also need to go and submit my passport application. There are some more chores pending. Also tons of work pending for my projects at office. Hopefully I will catch up this week. Because if things go right, I would go to Calcutta for a couple of days.

The plan is for me to go on Sunday morning and reach there by afternoon. My brother will take the afternoon flight from Bombay and come there in the evening. We have some work to do there. Then we will be back to Bangalore on late Tuesday evening. My brother will stay here for the rest of the week and leave for Bombay on Sunday evening. He has some things to do in preparation for his marriage next month. It will be good fun to go out of Bangalore even for a couple of days plus my brother’s visit is always fun.

I will buy material for my brother’s suit which he will wear on the marriage day and give it to the tailor for stitching. When he is down here next time, I will get the tailor to make the final finishing touches. I am also planning to buy some gold and pearl jewellery for his fiancee as a marriage present. Also would be partly financing the honeymoon as another present. I am also planning on giving them a wedding night suite on a 5 star hotel here so that they can have champagne and roses and all that. But they are not too keen on that one. I am to give that money for honeymoon fund.

His marriage will have a couple of ceremonies (decided after a lot of negotiations). We will have a small quite civil ceremony here with the marriage registrar coming down to the marriage hall. We will have a small party afterwards with our friends. T’s parents will be here too. Then they will leave for Calcutta and T’s parents are organizing another small religious ceremony there. There will also be a party there. Many of my brother’s friends who are in Calcutta would join there. Then the best part. They will go to Manali and Ladakh for honeymoon. Both of these are in North India and are lovely places on the Himalayas. But Ladakh is seriously beautiful.

Ladakh is in the Indian state Jammu & Kashmir which perhaps is more famous or rather notorious for being a major bone of contention between India and Pakistan. We recently had a war with Pakistan which is also known as Kargil war. Kargil is a district in Ladakh.  The politics on Kashmir is brutal. The terrorism there is killing at least 10 people daily. There is major military presence from India and Pakistan and there is a LOC. It is horrible. Folks there are suffering as hell. Anyway, forget the politics. They are going to Leh which is also in Ladakh and on the Tibet border which is relatively peaceful. One of the Mughal emperors (they ruled India till before the British started their rule) said about J&K - If there is heaven on earth, it is here, it is here, it is here.

Ladakh is the highest plateau of the Indian state of Kashmir with much of it being over 3,000 m (9,800 ft). It spans the Himalayan and Karakoram mountain ranges and the upper Indus River valley. Once you reach there, you are required to rest for a day to acclimatize with the thin air. They are going to drive up the Manali Leh highway which perhaps is one of the world’s best scenic route. A photo of a lake here. I don’t know when I would get to go there.

Things are slowly settling down again. At least it seems so.  

I had a few very intense days with the face off with my mom. This time was about meeting a guy for marriage again. This guy came home once to meet us and to be fair to mom he seemed rather decent. He is a divorcee and earns about half of what I do. This is a typical arranged marriage scenario. So anyway after the first meeting, he tells my mom that apparently his and my career plans don’t match (I didn’t say anything about my career plan in that meeting, mostly because I don’t have a plan) which means he is uncomfortable with my salary (I always pretend this is the reason as a defence mechanism) or something else. Then my mom still convinces this guy to meet me a few more times to know me better before finally deciding. Again, to be fair, she did not do much wrong. But somehow it was the last straw.  I was desperately angry with mom. I went to kitchen to break a few things inside the sink and then couldn’t do such a careful breaking and didn’t do anything. The next day my mom at first agreed to my not meeting him if that was making me so upset. I made a huge mistake then. I was caught completely unguarded with her acceptance of it and agreed to meet him just once. 

Then I kept on questioning my decision and had a miserable week. At the end I didn’t go to meet him with a weak but classic excuse of headache. This time my mom was very upset. Then she kept badgering me to call or email him. Fortunately my aunt (chotomasi) called me that night and my confusion cleared to a great extent. It was during that night and the next day that I decided about facing R at work instead of running away and refusing to do anything that I didn’t want to do.  

Again to be fair to my mom, I have been acting rather restlessly the last few months. One day I wanted to adopt kids. Another day I wanted to give up my job all together for a 6 month leave. And then the next day I wanted to get a technical /content writing job to get more time and to explore my writing talent and to see if I have any. All this made my mom upset and scared and she was completely decided upon to help me by making my decisions for me; though she kind of has done that most of my life.

Anyway the fact of deciding to do only what I wanted has helped me a lot. I am felling more stable and calm. She brought up meeting that guy once more yesterday. This time I let go and yelled at her and told some of the unfair things she had done to me. I guess that let out some poison even though it gave me a throbbing headache. Anyway later I apologized for saying those things but I told I won’t meet any more guys including this one. She said that it is difficult for her to accept my staying single and so she is finding it very difficult to give up. Today morning I decided to be extra nice to her since I am not going to do that guy meeting thing. Hope I can hang on to the thinking for myself thing. I can think all I want, but I find it difficult to not do the peace making thing, to not do the approval seeking thing and do what I think is right. I apologize all together too much to everybody. Let’s see how I do with the problems coming up in the next few months and years. 

On the good side, my junk eating has gone down considerably. I am not cooking so much these days. I made a pie a la Ms. Soclose a few days back. It came out well. Today I made some savory cake out of semolina which is made my steaming a mix of semolina, plain home made yoghurt, a bit of green chilies, a dash of ginger, a tea spoon of lime juice and a pinch of baking soda. It is good and subtle tasted for our tongues used to more fiery tastes; though I am mellowing down rather quickly with age. I may make chinese style noodles for dinner with lots of vegetables.  

The Chinese food here is very very different from true and authentic Chinese food of which there is many variety based on different parts of China, as I understand with very limited knowledge. In my native city Calcutta, there is a reasonably big Chinese population who has settled down there for many many years now. For most part they have become quite Bengali. Even the religion has mixed up in a small but bizarre way. Anyway, some people from there and some enterprising chefs from around India have created a heavily spicier and more fried and some would say disgusting Indian versions of many Chinese food loaded with MSG and chili sauce and tomato ketchup. Often only the 5 star and some expensive boutique restaurants serve authentic far eastern cuisines; though now the trend is slowly changing. Many people including me are getting a bit tired of the road side Indo-Chinese cuisine and seeking out the more authentic and subtle fare. Everything far eastern is Chinese to roadside eateries.  Another problem is that huge parts of the Indian population are vegetarians. So the food has been bastardized more to suit the palates more here. We have dishes called “chili chicken”, “chicken Manchurian” going around as Chinese but as far as I understand they are anything but. Specially that Manchurian thingy is a rage here with versions made of chicken, prawns, cauliflower, cottage cheese, baby corn, mushroom and even potatoes I think. Once in a show in Discovery they had a show on roots of Indo-chinese food and they requested a chef from Shanghai to try some of our stuff. The poor guy said, “it is very interesting” but he was smiling a lot which rather belied the “interesting”.

Anyway so after that rather tangential discussion on Indian Chinese food, let me say again just that I am very very very happy that I am seriously snacking less these days. I have those 104 cal chocolate bars which are very good. I am a little low on energy though. I guess the lack of exercise and the medication are the reasons for that. I have ordered a small supply of a vitamin supplement. I am trying to remember to mix my protein shake powder in either shake or cereal. Hope things would improve soon. Also I am yet to get regular with my exercise. I am scared to test it but I am hoping my diabetes is not acting up. I need to get in to a regular rhythm again. 

I am reading “I Know This Much is True”. It is awesome. This guy Wally Lamb is simply too good. I identify with the story on many levels. Plus it is one heck of a story. I am yet to finish it. I am planning to write a thank you note to Mr. Lamb afterwards. (Do you know I once wrote one thank you note to Paulo Coelho and he actually wrote back and for a couple of days afterwards I walked on air)

On the other hand, I read my first Marcia Muller novel. She is good too. I will read the rest of her available in my library. Thank you Ms. So Close. I am also reading “The Complete Idiot’s guide to Creative Writing” in bits and parts. I am planning to do some work shops or courses once the dust settles a bit.  

I bought a few books too recently. One is “A Beautiful Mind”. The movie blew my mind away. I am ashamed to say I saw such a great movie only very recently. So I am planning to read the book. In a slightly bizarre coincidence I am getting suddenly a lot of material on schizophrenia from different media. I am not really seeking them out. I hope the disease itself doesn’t decide to make a personal visit. Since I have schizoids in my family, I am sometimes really afraid and that is why I ran to a shrink at the first sign of trouble. Perhaps, just perhaps, I should have been strong enough to tackle the problems on my own. However I am not taking any chance and not doing anything stupid like stopping medication suddenly. 

The other book is “The Argumentative Indian” by Amartya Sen. I have heard good reviews about this book. The last one was a complete impulse buy. I am not sure if I will like it at all. It is “Women who run with the wolves”. I loved the cover. The back cover mentioned things like “inner life”, “ageless knowing” etc which almost made me put it down. Let’s see how it goes when I pick it up. 

Well, that is the end of my long and meandering thoughts for now. I need to quickly catch up with you all. Tomorrow is Monday and I have too much work pending on me.  

I am doing mostly okay. Food is reasonably good. Started going to gym from yesterday and again planning to be regular.

I did some soul searching in last week and found out that I would like to make my own decisions from now on. I will try to not let my mom manipulate me in to doing what she wants. It’s a long story how all this came about but I can’t go in to all that as I have a lot to do at work and must run soon.

Anyway, I am going to take care of my mom as best as I can but not be her slave. I generally ignore a lot of bad things and often refuse to see the bad side of the things. I say this with very less anger that my mom has always made me do whatever she has wanted and never treated me like an independent human being. I was always supposed to be weak, inefficient and worthless at times. Whereas the expectations from me has been higher than that from my brother, the respect given to me has been less. Each of my activity has been twisted and made as a proof of my weakness and an excuse for my mom to drive me. Anyway, whatever is done is done. Now we are both adults and equal. I am not going to take revenge on her but neither am I going to let her use me to acheive her dreams. I have done it for very long and I think I have paid my dues. I am going to ignore her sulks. She needs to grow up.

Also I am planning to go back to work next month as originally planned instead of asking for an extension. R is a very bad person. He couldn’t wait a month after our break off to decide to marry someone else. Then he kept talking to her and flaunting her to hurt me. I have done nothing wrong in trusting him and giving the relationship my best. I am not going to run away from the situation and face it. I have not done any wrong, why must I assume the guilt and pain? It’s okay for someone to stop loving me when he wants to. Why should my life stop for that?

So I am going to work hard at my career. Try my hand in writing a bit. Exercise and lose weight. I think now that I am taking responsibility for my own decisions, I am feeling light and bright. My junk food eating has stopped too, maybe only temporarily. I will make a few wrong decisions and maybe falter a bit but I am not going let anyone to make me think less of me. However strongly someone sites someone else’s example to prove how I am going to have a barren and unhappy life, I know I won’t. I am going to be happy and strong. I am nobody’s door mat any more.

A little too late to rebel? But better late than never to find one’s sense and sense of worth.

Lots of love to you all.

Feeling slightly better. I am quite scared to utter it. Each time I say I am getting better, there follows a meltdown and I get worse. But hope springs eternal.

Diet better than before. Exercise not yet regular. Lots of thoughts in the head. And life goes on…

Love you all my dearest friends!

Feeling much better today. Went to gym and had a massage too. Perhaps yesterday’s outburst was due to the heavy emotional stresss I went through for my brother’s marriage. Also good is a release of the pent-up angst.

Annie, I agree a pshychotherapist might be a good idea. Let me see and try to bring it up with my doctor this Sunday when I have my next appointment.

Thank you all for the greatest support and will catch up with you all soon.

On good front, I went to gym. Then got fed up and left after fighting with S. He kept on harping about how much weight I have gained. I kept quite for a long time. Even at one point another trainer told that it is okay to gain a little weight as that is why they are there to help. S still kept on and on about loss of stamina, muscles etc. I know it is not his fault. Then he was taking my fitness test. I did poorly and kept on getting angrier with each comment. Then while running on treadmill, I ran flat out for a minute and my heart was jackhammering but for some reason the heart rate monitor showed it to be much lower. So he kept on increasing speed. I asked him to stop and then I moved on to the next stationary machine. But he just wasn’t listening. So I said I would leave if he doesn’t stop. He asked me to go ahead and leave and I did. I got very angry. Anyway, one more thing to deal with. My fuse is getting shorter and shorter.

I wrote a couple of longish emails and that “my room” thingie and cooled down a bit. Then I found out that R has taken leave and has allowed everyone to take leave at once. We had some argument and I lost my head again. His in-laws are visting and that is his emergency to allow whole team to be absent on a support contract. Well his watertight excuse is that he has told our manager and he is okay. Really I should have let it go at that. But I yelled like a maniac. And then called my brother and cried and howled that I want to leave this job this minute. I cooled down again after a while.

Only good to happen out of all this is that I am getting friendlier with my mom. Otherwise I feel I will become a howling raving lunatic soon. I don’t know why this is hitting so hard and so late. sick! sick! sick!

My brother’s wedding fiascos are near over. I managed to get my mom around having the religious ceremony (albeit a short one) as well here. Hope there won’t any more issues. I am a little bit angry at having to give way to them. But I am too exhausted too. And as my mom said, the situation is getting bizarre. If the choice is between cutting my brother by half and taking a piece or to let him go and live in one piece, better to let him go. I am still a bit scared and worried. But whatever is to happen will happen. I am exhausted and not sure that I can keep it all together. My head is throbbing with madness.

I will catch up with everyone once I can get my breath back. I am too restless to read even a little bit.

I was writing this piece to just to cool myself down. Here it is for you too.

Well…. what to write about? Right now there are a few things in my head - Shahrukh Khan, my gym and personal trainer, my job and my plans of adopting a child (or two if I am very lucky).

I am lying down on my stomach supported by a rather thinning pillow with my laptop in front and a cup of black tea standing on a black note book. The noon outside is hot and silent. All is peace and harmony in this house at this moment. This used to be Chiku’s room when he was here. In fact even now when he comes down for a visit, it becomes his room again. There is something of his personality left here which makes me feel an usurper still. The smoke smell from the pillows and the bed cover and the walls are gone. It may be our personal computer sitting idle and mute in the desk in front of my bed that is yelling his presence. The unoccupied chair is infrequently dusted. You should have seen the perfectly  parallel stripes of dust on the internet mechanic’s black trousers fitting his rather ample butt. It was hilarious.

Anyway, the computer is not working now. The poor machine perhaps have given up breathing after losing that boy who used to play games and plan adventure bike trips and projects of building electronic gadgets and moon in general with an overflowing ash tray on his side. Who would now sit on the uncomfortable plastic chair for hours and often look like in the process of getting sucked in by the monitor in to some fairy land of his own where games and gadgets rule.

The drawers of the tables still spew his endless collection of CD, a pack of unused new pens, a few empty packs of cigarettes (kept why exactly?), a red ball made of some unknown polymer which when thrown on ground lights up, a bunch of pencils still sharpened (memory from the days spent on preparing for CAT which by the way I am giving away to masi for her kids), bunches of wires, cables, headphones and related paraphernalia. The drawers of the computer desk are still forlornly empty. The upper one holds a pot of ink waiting for his sporadic hobby of trying to recapture the magic of writing with fountain pens and a lone CD of Ravindra Rachanabali which has refused to get installed in my work laptop. The bottom drawer has a stick of glue and a camel cigarette pack bursting to seams holding coins collected as change from innumerable procurements of cigarettes.

The cupboard still holds books and CD (yes again here too, apart from a suitcase full of them under the living room bed and albums of them on the living room sofa) and the old digital camera and the older yet still camera and a group photo taken at Wipro, exactly as he arranged. The table proudly displays the paperweight from Harley Davidson and the photograph of a submarine brought back from a trip of Vizag which was a souvenir gift in turn for me, mom and the girl friend.

The room would never be mine. It is as if I am holding it for its rightful owner. In spite of the can of ocean scented Odonil room freshener, the Nike Women deodorant ( a recent acquisition),  the bottle of Dior Addict (a perfume I would cherish forever as a gift from the room owner though it is really a little too aggressive for a goody-two-shoes like me. well, I am goody goody most of the times though less and less ), a bunch of books - some fiction and some work related, there is very less of me in here. But then I guess I miss my brother that much less in here.  and to think we would leave this house for another some time sooner than later. If I ever write a memoir, perhaps I could fill quite a few chapters only with my brother’s rooms. I find his way of nesting amazing.

I have been feeling lost for last week or two. I could go to gym only once or twice. I am planning to be a serious regular soon. So went yesterday. I did too much and then felt ill the whole day. : ) I had joined the gym last year about this time. I was around 74 kg then. These months of depression has got me at 77 kg. All good work has gone down the drain. It is time and more to pick myself up and start piecing myself together again. All the clothes which I was on the point of throwing away because they got too loose are now uncomfortably tight. Too much of chocolate and chips will do that. I want to write all this off as collateral damage and move on.

On the good news front, my mom has completely come around the idea that I should adopt a baby. I imagine a couple of babies as in taking in a couple of siblings. That is such a big deal. I am not even so scared which means I don’t yet feel real about it. I would start working towards it. I don’t know what kind of a single mom I would make. Well, I will try hard to do well. There are so many sane kids from completely dysfunctional moms, so I guess I won’t do too badly.

Lately just so many ideas and thoughts are bombarding around my head. My medication seems to be working fine, though I don’t feel like doing anything. I have been meaning to write here but just couldn’t get myself around to it. I was not even feeling like checking my mails. That is rather unusual. Hopefully I am around another bend and will go towards good from here.

I want to ditch software as a career and want to write for a living. My talent is not worth a novel or a book of short stories yet. But I am thinking perhaps I can pick up technical writing, content writing etc to start with. I need some free time to do some creative writing courses too. Also if I do adopt in a year and two, I will need to go on with software for the money. I guess the joy of brining a kid (hopefully two) will negate much of the ennui of my job. Also I was thinking of learning a few or one of these foreign languages - French, German or Spanish. I would ease in to the writing thing by doing some translation work first. It is also lucrative money wise (not as good as IT but good) plus I can work more easily from home. I feel at times I can’t and I don’t want to cope with a really demanding career. My certification studies are on hold for now. Actually I am quite good in my current job too. It’s just that I don’t know which way to go and what to do. I am hoping my manager would let me extend this stint of working from home. I might resign too. I will just take a few months of doing nothing and then may be go back to IT after all.

If you have read so far you must have realized how I am feeling these days. Because I was feeling quite unwell and very restless yesterday, I am feeling a bit odd today. It’s as if I am recovering from a long long illness and there is this lightness floating kind of feeling. Not in very good way, I am afraid. I am feeling unsure and rudderless.

This staying at home has done another good thing for me. I have become friendlier with my mom. She understands me better and we are not so much at loggerheads any more. Anyway, let us see how things go. I have also started communicating with my aunt (chotomasi) and that is going well. Though I could not write the last couple of weeks and she got scared thinking I was offended by something she said. She called up today and I couldn’t tell her exactly why I couldn’t write.

I am hoping very hard that the exercising would help. I am planning to get in to my old routine with S from tomorrow. That was the other stupid thing that happened yesterday. I was joking with S as I usually used to do. He started it. : ) You know how in conversations we often say things which we normally won’t. He was joking about my watch, my t-shirt, my cell all being my brother’s. So I said who knows maybe it was him who got my cell stolen and I should do a body search and maybe I would maybe get it back. A joke not in a very good taste but only a joke nevertheless. He got pissed off big time. I said sorry so many times but still he kept at it as how I should be more careful of others feelings etc. Then I left. I wasn’t angry but I was a little irritated by this remark – “I know you don’t have any feelings, but you should care about others’ feelings”!!!! Anyways hopefully he would cool down by tomorrow.

Now let me say the thing which has triggered this meltdown. As usual this post is going to be very long. But I know I am forgiven much here. It is going to be a long whine. : ) The thing is my brother is scheduled to be married this June. That is a good thing, right? Not. : ) I was happily planning to buy a suit for my brother and a pearl jewellery set for my would-be sister-in-law. I am also thinking of booking a honeymoon package or at least a five star honeymoon suite for them.

Now there is too much trouble how the marriage should be held. My mom is adamant is that it has to be a small quiet ceremony. As such none of the three of us are at all in to religious rituals. So a big night long Hindu Bengali ceremony is out of the question. My brother himself is quite opposed to that kind of circus wedding. Then my mom’s next killer argument since I am older and I am unmarried, she doesn’t have the emotional strength of going through a big ceremony for her younger son. Plus there are not many relatives who would be able to attend from our side which is actually a good thing. These ceremonies tend to turn in to competitive shows. Obviously between the three of us, we won’t be able to manage and would get thoroughly dominated. That doesn’t bother me so much, it is only a day. My mom will be really angry and will hold a life long grudge and will remember each insult. Already when her parents spoke to mom, her mom went on and on about the marriage of the elder sister of T (my sis-in-law). Of course my mom is furious as she felt they were trying to poke her wound. Then there is my own dear brother who has a legendary rage. He is generally okay but there is a good chance that he will get in to a towering rage on any chance insulting remark to me or mom. He can kick and slap and break things and simply run out from the wedding. He can harm himself too in such occasions. It is only me that too we are not very sure who can manage him then. He is working very hard now to keep peace and to keep everyone happy and is under a lot of stress. We don’t know when the volcano would erupt.

This is bringing up all kinds of problems. I have now decided not to get involved too much. But I was involved in the beginning. After all I am the big sister and we have no father. My brother wants to keep peace and so tending to give in to most of T’s suggestions. My mom is unhappy about it, to say the least. I had a big fight with my mom as I am sick and tired of my spinsterhood being the source of all kind of unhappiness. I got so angry that I said I would better kill myself as I seem to be my mom’s biggest problem. Of course I didn’t mean it. But my mom was very hurt. I actually howled with rage and cried quite a bit. By the way, when I was crying I suddenly remembered dear Ruby’s mom’s crying jags and her comment about her mom’s stamina. : ) That thought brought such a big smile that I couldn’t cry any more. Ruby, please please don’t mind, no offense is meant. Anyway this cleared the air a bit between mom and me. I apologized too.

Remember how due to the stupid caste system we have, R and I couldn’t get married. The same problem is there between T and my bro too. So my dad was opposed to their relationship from the beginning. We always knew we would get him around. My mom doesn’t like T for worse reasons such as she is short and dark and her son is too good looking for her. Of course there is no point paying any attention to such rubbish. But all this history is complicating the whole thing very much.

One night my brother was too fed up and called me up. He said since we are not supporting him during his crisis and his fiancé is, he is planning to do the wedding exactly as they want in Calcutta and not in Bangalore. I don’t know what happened. I snapped and was very hurt. I icily told him to do as he pleased. But in my mind I decided to give him up if he does it. I was being so excited and happy for his marriage and if he is going to cut me out, he can go to hell. My brother is literally the last safe haven left for me. I have always supported him, even when I perhaps shouldn’t have. Couldn’t he see that his fiancé is supporting him because she is getting her way?

They have going out from when they were in college. My brother said it is high time that we accepted his decision of ten years old. Well, I told him that we were opposed to her only in theory. While in college, my bro spent hours on phone and dates with her and ruined his studies, my parents kept quiet. We told ourselves that it was not her fault but my brother’s. Then she went to US for further studies. My bro didn’t want to leave Calcutta and wasn’t getting any good job there. He sat at home and tried for admissions in MBA schools. Trust me that he is and was intelligent enough to get in to the most prestigious schools in India. My retired dad paid a fortune on internet and telephone bills which my brother spent communicating to her as she was homesick in US, They used to talk for 3-4 hours every single day. So his score fell just short of what needed for the best schools. He didn’t agree to go to any school even a little inferior. My parents kept quite. He came to live with me in Bangalore. He got a job here almost immediately. But before he did, I bought him a cell phone and a computer (which I was doing without for the 3 years when I was alone) immediately again so he can communicate with T. again they would talk for hours and literally whole nights on the weekends because of the time difference. She would call my bro everyday after he reached work to make sure he reached safely! The day I went with my bro to buy my car, she called four times in between as generally those Sunday mornings my brother spent with her on phone and she didn’t know what else to do. My bro agreed it was puke-worthy behavior. But except for a few fights they got along very well. Again my brother tried for those MBA schools. He got leave from work to study but did he get leave from T? no. All the leave, everyday at least a couple of hours had to be spent with her. That was in my presence. And predictably he did worse this time around. So he is minus a MBA to this day. I agree completely that it is my brother’s own weakness of character that did it, not his girl friend.

It is only now that he is finding his own. He is getting appreciated and winning performance bonuses consistently in this job. But still his career is just taking off. Already he is going to be saddled with a wife. There is no real need for his marriage to happen just now, from our point of view. But since he wants it and more realistically he wouldn’t listen to us and it is his life after all, we all agree. But my brother provided the courage T needed to go to US and carried her throughout from here and now she earns double than my brother does. Even she would agree without one hesitation that my brother is far more intelligent and capable and more success-worthy than she is. So what is so wrong that we blame her a little bit for my brother’s lack of a spectacular career so far? I know my brother will do well but it is taking him long. It is okay if he doesn’t do well too, but it is not okay because my brother is ambitious and wants to do well and it is important to him.

Anyway, all this got brought up because I was terribly upset that day. He too got very angry and said that we must stop blaming her for it. I in fact like T moderately in spite saying all that I said above. My brother couldn’t stop praising her and I quite believed it. Now I am developing a healthy dislike for her. It is not only my mom any more. All this poison spewing for a mere ceremony. T was okay to live together with my brother against all social mores because it suited her then. My mom asked them to get married then so many times. But now she must have the correct religious ceremony which by the way is meant for folks who are virgin and of the same caste and whose parents completely agree to the match.

My mom tried to talk to T to explain why she wants a small wedding. T didn’t quite agree and said she would try to convince her parents. Whereas my brother says he cares nil for her parents, but it is T herself who wants the big ceremony. They are trying to work it all out. I too am sick of it now. Whatever happens, I would somehow make my mom to attend and I would be there too. There is no one else except for the two of us for my brother. But I am going easy on fighting with my mom for him.

In all this, I have ditched most of my hope of our living together with them in Bombay. It would have been a good change for me. More support for my mom. It was going to be much easier for me to manage my babies with them around. I don’t even know if I would move to Bombay any more. Perhaps we would rent another apartment nearby and not live together in one house. Though it is quite prevalent in India but I don’t think we would quite manage it. Then again, things may settle down quite well after all.

I had to visualize a life where there would be no support from my brother. I know I can do that too. But am I to lose everyone? I guess it is no use saying it is unfair. I have to let go and can’t think of being a millstone around his neck, specially his neck. I can’t even be angry at him. Whereas I quite never suspected lack of support from him, it has also occurred to me that my brother doesn’t think I should be spared so much hassle for his marriage now. Not because I am single (Boy am I tired of that argument) but because I have lost a relationship recently and fighting to keep my sanity and my job. All these bad thoughts about the person I do really love the most, is draining me. I am trying to sort myself and not seeing much light at the end of the tunnel.

PS Please take my statements about T with a pinch of salt, as I am so obviously biased. : )