song of the road

So many things swim in our heads. Don’t they? It’s such a colorful tapestry. Some sad, some happy.

Yesterday R got sweets to work because he is getting married. I was again upset. And then his fiancée sent a big bouquet of red roses to him at work. She lives in a different city. That kind of did it. : ) I had lied that I had eaten a sweet to bypass that. When all colleagues came to congratulate him, I could move away as my blessed brother called me at the right time. I tried to stop myself from being bothered about the roses and how it was my right and all that but didn’t do well. So I left work early with the excuse of an headache which was there though. A bit unprofessional, I think.

I bought some junk food on the way home. I had to open work from as soon as I reached because there were a few things which couldn’t wait. So I worked and ate and also read a book while I was waiting for clients to respond. Not a very restful evening but at least away from those flowers. : ) After about 10 pm, I decided that clients would have to wait for another day and closed shop. Read some more and went to sleep about 11:30 pm. Feeling better today, thankfully. I have no leave left to squander plus I cannot go off without notice any more. I will if I must, but can’t abuse it too much.

I was reading this book called “The Red Carpet” by another Indian lady writer writing in English. Lavanya Sankaran, I think. It is a nice collection of short stories. One is about this old guy living in a now-prime property are of Bangalore who spent his youth in the just Independent India with his almost demented wife. He is curious about the yuppie young couple living in an apartment opposite to his Bungalow who are quite well-to-do. His son lives in Australia, married to a local lady there and has two kids and never visits his parents. His father thinks he cannot afford to. And this old guy who is so lonely but not so unhappy as you would expect. How he spends his day keeping track of his neighbors and comes suddenly close to that yuppie couple and then something happens. It is such a nice story with all its colors so vivid and the place she describes is rather near to where I work.

There were a few more that I read. One was about a driver and his lady employer. That was awesome too. Somehow this lady has caught the India of people who are well to do, liberal and the India of people who are poor and very conservative yet. That was on over generalization, of course. Then there is this young girl brought up in US who visits India and expects it to be something out of a history book, almost with snake charmers : ) and all but finds again that curious coexistence of very modern and quite conservative and how things are changing and yet remain same in some ways. A young kid is bribed into cultural rituals with the lure of a CD player. I like the way this writer has captured it. It is so very real.

I was watching a Hindi movie a few weeks back. There was a shot where a couple of British guys say that India is a country of snake charmers and elephants. And now of chicken curry and call centers. : ) I know that is unfair but then how much do I know of many countries and I am sure I have preconceived notions too. Anyways then the Indian guy rattles back an impressive number of statistics about our technical progress, army size, number of languages, newspapers, magazine etc. I was impressed and also realized how less I know. So one of my new thing to do in free time is to read up more about my country. How is that for a 34 year old? : ) But still better late than never. I guess I will find myself a bit more in my country and my heritage. Soclose and also Ella made me think about my grandmother and mom and my aunts and what I know first hand about what has gone on to bring me here. There is no way I should be taking my achievements (however small in the grand scheme of things) for granted, much struggle have been gone through to bring me the choices I enjoy.

Well, on that note, let me work a little harder to earn the good luck and good fortune that I have and be a little more worthy of what I already have and rejoice in it. You all help me see things the way I never did and a big thank you from the bottom of my heart. : )

I always feel like writing either “Well…” or “Hmmm…” for headings. Does that show the poor quality of my thinking? I guess I need to read up on the art of heading writing.

Yes, the work load is high. Yesterday was a bit worse than usual as something broke and transportation came to a halt for my client. So the working late to fix it up. Thankfully it seems to have worked out fine. I am feeling a teensy bit headachy today. I think that may be due to the slightly less sleep and the medication. But I must get started on exercising.

I need to do much better both exercising and eating wise. My problem is that I lack focus. I need to actually think about this all the time and control myself. I am not doing that. I am thinking about work, relationship (much much less now) and other things much more than eating right and exercising well. Also I forget to try to meditate every night. I forget to put my creams on every night. I need to manage myself better. When I read you all here, I make up my mind to be better and then I forget. Work will have to take some thought for me to stay on top of it but the rest of the thoughts and visualizations must be spent on me getting better.

I am not so stressed now either. Though I am still talking to guys once in a while that my mom lines up. There was a guy recently whom I liked a bit on the first thought. Though he lives in US which is where I have to migrate if things work out. That is not good. I am very comfortable here. Anyway after that first conversation, no more of him and quite likely that I won’t hear from him any more. Which is okay. But I wish I did not have to spend even the few days’ thoughts on him. But I guess this is how it is and I am glad I am feeling so much better than before. Nowaday I can almost always chase away blue thoughts by just telling me “don’t you go there”. And touch wood. Hope I stay okay.

Also there is this new conutry manager at work who is shaking up things a bit. I don’t think that is bad. Plus I don’t think I have anything to fear as I do work hard and well. I used to be the assistant editor of the company newsletter.  But we got too busy with our project wrok load and I opted out. The editor-then didn’t let me go. He asked me to do less as I was busy and we decided that another girl on the team would do the coordinating. Bringing out a newsletter is far less literary than plain organization. This girl said yes but she is a bit scattered. The newsletter never again came out. Now I hear that without even asking me, I have been made the head of the newsletter team. So I can soon hope to stand in front of the new country manager and explain why the newsletter is not coming up. I think the person who was the head earlier would back me up a bit though I do suspect I am going to be pushed forward alone for explanations. Anyway I had made a list of my tasks in bringing out a newsletter earlier for training new members and will produce that as proof of why I can’t do programming, leading a team and bringing out a newsletter together. I must be strong and must not say yes to more than I can humanly do. Else I would be stressed and guilty forever. They will tell me I should do less and delegate more and must do my project work and manage by working only a little extra. And then there would be suggestions coming in constantly to make the newsletter as interesting as “Cosmopolitan” or something. I would drown if I say yes. Only thing I loved bringing out the newsletter, I loved it so. But it all can’t be done.

Well, I am going to focus more on health and keep doing one thing a day that I am scared of. Lots of love going out to all of you. Reading you keeps me grounded.

The day started off badly enough. I was feeling blue and blah. Overslept and missed gym. Eventually decided to start gym again from next week. Must not slip on that.

Then while reading soclose, I started feeling so much better. The work was really busy today. Came back home at 11:30 pm and then again worked for another hour. All is almost quite now. Though have more than a full load tomorrow too. With guys soon taking off one by one for their marriage, the coming months will continue to be like this. I don’t mind as long as my working out doesn’t suffer.

Nah.. too sleepy to write any more. All of you have a great day! Lots of love to you all.

This has to be another quick one, I am afraid.

I am not yet back to exercising. I know I need to push myself a little harder now. In fact, I am thinking about trying to do one thing (at least one small thing) everyday that I am scared to do. This should help me grow. And I think I would love the feeling of acheivement too.

I have made tons of soup this week. I found the link of vegetarian times from one of our blogmates here. They have wonderful recipes. I made grilled tomato bell pepper soup yesterday. It was nice. Though my microwave conked in the process. I need to check the manual and try to see if I can do something and then call the service center. Thankfully it is still within the warranty period. I feel it became too hot and shut itself down. No fuse got blown or anything. Anyway let’s see. Then there is the PC to fix too. I think I will be forever lagging behind in my list of chores.

Our annual appraisal is coming up. I need to catch up and finish a few online training modules I were planning to. Well, that is it for now. I will try to catch up with you guys soon.

Sorry to disappoint you guys! But I think that job lead is not going to work out. They cannot even pay me what I am getting now. I said I would think it over but most likely I am going to pass this one up. Feeling a little bad because it could have been so good. But I feel I need not go for a pay cut now. I don’t know for sure. Well, I have to do what seems right to me now and take the consequences. Since right now I am in one of my consequence taking phases, I am feeling a little less sure. But still I think I should always do what seems right to me.

The headache situation is better today. Feeling more healthy and upbeat from morning. Let’s see how the day goes. I think I am getting a slightly better control over my thoughts. I still need much more work there. But even in small changes, it is such a great thing.

I am thinking of starting the gym routine by tomorrow or latest by Monday. Eating is mostly okay. Though yesterday had some snacks after dinner. But I had become very upset again in work just before leaving. And I woke up with such a fresh mind today. So I am writing it off as an necessary evil and that is that. I am planning to do some grocery shopping tomorrow. Will stock up on healthy options soon.

Lots of love to my lovely lovely blogmates.

Had a remarkably good day today. Though I have a running headache from morning. Not very bad but a dull ache which did not go away. Had a cup of coffee and almost 4-5 cups of black tea which kept helping me temporarily. No gym still. Planning to start on Monday or maybe Saturday. Let’s see.

I was moderately productive at work. Did not waste almost any time. So that is good.

The headache became bad for an hour or so when heard R talking to his fiancee again today. To be fair, he said fewer than ten words and wrapped it up immediately but I could hear her voice from two feet away. I was upset again but I did not cry, I did not make sarcastic or cutting remarks or replies, just my head throbbed like crazy for a few minutes. Then we went to the cafetaria for lunch. I was pretty normal with everybody there too. Afterwards I went out for half an hour to the bank. Going out in the bright sun cured most of the headache. Had a couple cups of tea after coming back with the guys and I was all set to work again. I know most of the credit goes to the medication. But I am happy that I did not fall apart.

There was another piece of good news waiting for me in my yahoo mail box. I have got a very good lead for an interview for a job in Bombay. It is a better company and hopefully would be a better job profile too. I am keeping all my fingers and toes crossed to get an interview call. I think I would make it if I get a call. Hope it works out. It would be the best if I can get it. I would be okay if I don’t get it too, there would be other oportunities too. But it would be so nice if I can get it.

Well, that is about it. I ate reasonably well today. No junk food. yay! I was so late in coming back from office that couldn’t buy the muesli today but will soon. I am excited about trying it out.

I can’t begin to say how much your support and love means to me. Thank you all so very very very much. You are the best thing to happen to me for a long time. My love and best thoughts are all for you, my wonderful wonderful blogmates.

A long week after, I think a stronger and a more purposeful me has emerged. After I came back from that trip, I was so happy… till the afternoon. Then I lost it again big time. Couldn’t stop running to the restroom and crying my heart out. I am thankful now that no one seemed to notice. Anyways I couldn’t stop being sad and sick after coming back to home too. I was awake all night long. Called up R at 4:30 in the morning and talked, argued, yelled, cajoled for one and a half hours. And then fell asleep exhausted. When I woke a couple hours later, I was still sick and by then very very afraid for myself and my future. 

I had done one good thing on that sick Monday to have decided to visit a psychiatrist who fortunately stays very near my home. I had seen him once a few years back when I was very down and low. His medicines worked though I stopped after taking them only for a month. I felt better and decided on my own to go off medication. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea, however it seemed right then.  

Anyways, so I went to see him on Tuesday as per appointment. I couldn’t stop myself from crying while talking to him. But he is a nice and calm guy and must have seen much hysteria. We talked for a while. He prescribed a couple of pills (that reminds me, maybe I should google the medication) and a lot of exercising to drive away the negative thoughts.  

Well, the medication completely threw me off on Wednesday. I had a good and deep sleep but woke up very nauseous and quite dizzy. I had to fall back on bed and kept on sleeping on and off for the whole day. My appetite was completely gone. I was better but still very shaky on Thursday too. So again another chat with doc and I reduced my sleeping medication. Slowly became better by Friday.  

All that time off from work without any notice did go surprisingly well. My manager had a little chat with me where I apologized completely and explained my problem a bit. He seemed okay. My team didn’t complain any. But that doesn’t mean they are not thinking it silently. However I am confident now that I would overcome it. I could have had lot more trouble. 

I spent all that time reading and almost completing Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”. As again she managed to instill confidence in me. And I watched FRIENDS when the reading got too heavy. Also I thought it out a bit. I can’t really explain but I do feel stronger, calmer and more confident. I am going to control my thoughts. I am going to do the things I don’t want to but I know I should. I already have taken small steps towards that. Okay, it is very early to comment, but so far things are going well. I was very productive at work after a long long time yesterday when I finally went back. I am also going to read – “The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari”. It is good and I think will help me with self-discipline. 

I know the good feelings will be difficult to hang on to. But I very strongly feel now that I can do it. I choose to spend my time more effectively, doing more productive work and enjoying my life more. I have not yet gone back to gym because I am still feeling a little light headed but will soon go back. I am going to read non-fiction more. I will work on clearing up my backlog of chores and then I will free up some time which I may spend on training myself or something else. 

So here to a new me rising from the ashes (drama! drama!). I don’t really know if I will get a life-partner. But I know I am going to do well in life by using all the opportunities I already have.  

Thank you all so much for being here for me. The journey has begun yet again and I am so excited!

Feeling so much refreshed coming back from the cool trip. It was very good. We started around 10 am on Saturday. I was up early packing and getting ready. It was about 2 hours drive from Bangalore. The driver we took with us drove real slow for some reason. He later said that engine wasn’t working well. We stayed on a very lovely two storied villa and a log hut. They had tents too but we hadn’t booked those. It is a eco-resort near the river Cauvery. From the main road we drove for a couple of km on a unpaved narrow mud road through the jungle to reach it. It was really serene.

They had a small artificial lake near the villa with lots of ducks, hens and one turkey who felt he(?) is a peacock. The kids went crazy chasing the ducks and hens. We giggled a lot too chasing the kids and keeping them away from water. And realized how less I know about anything after the numerous whys and hows? If I have a kid, I will teach her using Google right away and I would use it till she can, to keep answering. Quite a few of my friends took their kids alone and I really admired their stamina. There IS a reason why nature has not made me a mom yet. I don’t really think I can do justice to a kid.

Anyways, we had lunch which was very rustic and delicious and vegetarian. I overate a bit. Left some food on my plate but that was only because I decided to have second helpings of the things I loved more. They had a jungle gym where we tried walking on logs, a bit of archery and some other things. I was not fit and brave to try most of it. Then we had tea near the river bank. It was lovely. The silence and the hills a little farther away. We did took turns boating in a small round boat called a coracle. The kids pointed out each submerged rock as crocodile or “crocile” for most part. And one kid was particularly interested in explaining how he will save me, if I were to drown. It was a job to make him sit still so as not to overturn the boat. We lazed near the bank for some more time till it was very dark. Then it was time for more snacks and a camp fire. We chatted a bit and some sang funny songs. Some kids sang too, including a two year old who made up her own lyrics. The dinner was early and very good again. Though not as good as the lunch but I guess I was not that hungry any more.

After dinner six of decided to have a facial and a face pack each at the Ayurvedic treatment center they had. That was truly fun. They massaged our face with some kind of an aromatic oil. It was so relaxing. Some fell asleep on the table. Then there was a pack to wash off the oil. And a red face pack containing red sandalwood powder among other things. We had to wait till it dried and it burned so much. They said it was okay and not to worry. I christened it “chilly powder pack”. After much giggling and making fun we finished all that by midnight. We took turn being the tribal chief with the face pack on and sitting on an arm chair and ordering people (mostly managers) to be boiled. The faces did look much brighter and rejuvenated after the treatment.

A few of us went to sleep at the log hut. It was a lovely wooden house with the floor raised a bit from the ground. The next day morning after breakfast and some more duck chasing, we couldn’t go for the trekking because we were not sure if the kids would be able to walk and climb that much. So we went to another nearby place where Cauvery meets another river. We stayed nearer to the bank as there are many dangerous undercurrents in that place. With much splashing and playing and running around in the water, we all got drenched from head to foot. But it was such glorious fun. We should have taken some balls for playing. I think all the stress got washed away in the river. Everybody let go and became kids themselves. I don’t know what it is about water that brings out the joy in us so much. We dried ourselves a bit sitting on a big rock in the middle of the river (which is a meteorite from a far away sun as explained to me by a alien cartoons crazy 4 yr old kid I also got graphic descriptions about something called “a ghost freak” (I think) who opens its stomach and tentacles come out of its stomach and the rest). I am actually thinking of watching some of these crazy cartoons a bit. They did sound interesting.

Well anyway after the river jaunt, it was back to the resort for cleaning up and lunch and we came back home by 7:00 pm. I am so happy I did it. I had loved my trips with R too but there wasn’t ever this much laughs.

So I am back to work today. I couldn’t make it to gym today as well. I will need to do some self talking starting from evening onwards to make me go back to it from tomorrow. I remember Ruby saying she would rather clean the bathrooms. Once I am in the gym, I don’t feel so bad but the dislike for exercising is deep in my bones. I need to keep myself in tight check or I would not go. But I know I will go back and work on being more regular. By the way, I felt during the weekends that my stamina has not increased that much. Oh, it has increased but not by any spectacular amount. I guess I still have a long way to go. One of the ladies on the trip has lost an awesome 12 kg by gymming and dieting. I need to too.

Lots of love for all of you. I would try to catch up reading all of you by tonight. Thank you again and again for being there for me when I go down. I am going to work hard today to not lose the good feeling but I guess I will go up and down under once in a while. In fcat the ups bring the worry of the oncoming down but no forethoughts of grief any more.

Had a much better day so far. Though again skipped gym. Looks like I can’t do all good in one day. Need to get there slowly. But have been much much more productive at work. I will be so happy if I can just do my work, work out and eat healthy. I won’t have time for anything else then.

 I can’t begin to say thanks to all of you. Ella, I agree with you completely. It IS more my ego than my heart. But I have too much of an ego. I know at the bottom of my heart, this has been good for me. It is just that I forget it at times. I guess I need to reorient my thinking and me. But you all make me feel so good and so confident about myself. I must be strong and brave to keep your faith. And I will. With so much love and support and good thoughts for me, I can’t do anything but be very happy.

Well, all excited about tomorrow’s trip. Though it has not stayed girls only. A few guys have joined in too, as part of couples. I am sure, I am going to have fun. Hopefully I would have some good pictures to share. I think I would blog again on Monday. The resort I am going to has a rustic environment (with no tv) and is near a huge river. Looking forward to it.

Love you all so so so much!

Working so hard to hold it together. I try to fix one thing and some thing else falls apart. Couldn’t make it gym today. Felt like my whole body has been beaten up. I was sore all over and cold. Came to work somehow.

Arranging for R’s leave for his marriage and listening to him talking to his fiancee is not helping at all. Had crying jags a few times. I must have done something really wrong to deserve this. I guess my judgement about people is really really bad. Anyway what’s the use thinking about all that? In fact the crying has helped. Now I am numb and drained and can go on, I think. However much I wish it to finish soon, this stupid mess will take it’s own time to get resolved. I just don’t want to be unhappy, at least not this much. But I guess all this is part of the game and I would have to play it. Yesterday I caught a part of a soap mom was watching. One of the characters was saying - “life is a drama and you need to play your part. While playing your part, if you can act so as to keep all the unhappiness to yourself and share only the joy in you, people will remember you even when you are not there”. I think everyone will like to be with people like these. But I am not strong enough. I seem to share only my unhappiness. In the big picture, my problem is such a stupid and silly one. Why can’t I rise beyond it?

I guess I need to stop whining and go back to work. That should help. I cannot see how I will get a job when I am feeling like this. I think I will have to bear with this for the time being and there is no way I can bypass it. Maybe the pain is the price I need to pay.

Anyway screw it all. I know I will make it. It is high time I learn to take it as a man(?). Everybody has problems. They bear it and don’t whine and whine and whine.

And I have you guys. I will read some of your loving comments and I surely will feel better.

PS Yes! I did go and read some of your comments and I am already feeling better. I am going to be strong. I can so do it. Love you!