song of the road

“Another fresh new year is here . . .

I did manage to go to gym both on Saturday and today. Did about one and a half hour of cardio on Saturday but skipped the abs. Stayed for 5 mins (I think) in the sauna. It was scaldingly hot when I went in. I don’t know which sadist made it that hot. I asked them to reduce it a bit and could stay a while after that. Made it to the gym today as well. Did lower body and abs work out. Skipped cardio. I don’t know why I was feeling so blah. I need to be more motivated. Well, I will work first to make it to the gym every day this week.

Cooked quite some this weenend. Mostly healthy stuff. But not all of it. Made soups for the week. I think I will stick to a healthier routine more easily on a work day. Let’s see.

Not much else happening. A little bit excited about the weekend trip. Hope I like it. I know most of the people going and they do seem lots of fun.

I am trying to be not depressed. I was trying out images of R and his fiancee in my head and I was quite unmoved. So I guess it is only my ego that is hurt. How could he replace me so fast! The whole thing ended only because his family problems and he didn’t feel guilty for 10 days! I am dull and rigid and conservative on many counts but relative to his background I was like a burning flame. Can’t really blame that he got scared. Just as I am not really that hurt because I was anticipating this. I guess without saying much he too was getting ready to get out for some time. On thursday, when we had that conversation, he kind of said the only thing I did was that I shelled half the money needed for his car, so he could buy it without paying any interest to the bank. What a guy! (I had very bad feelings when that car was being bought and my premonitions came true. BTW he has paid back all the money - please don’t worry). Anyway, enough said. And it is further proof that maybe I was not so involved after all. Notice how I said nothing about missing his company.

Hope we all have a great next year. I want us to have the best from life and be able to derserve it too. Let us keep earning our good luck. Love to you all.

PS reminder to myself - copy all book reco. from Ruby’s blog and comments.

I am having surprisingly good day today. Is it only because I am feeling positive? Nah! I guess, once in a while you get a little break. And I am going to enjoy it, with a big smile.

Even though I slept so very late last night, it was almost no trouble waking up at 6. Went to gym. I had received a snickers bar from a sweet colleague on his birthday. Passed that on to S. Since my mom too should not eat sweets much, I keep passing on my chocolates to S.

Had a very good workout today. S too was in full form. He pushed hard and I went along (of course, with saying “go away” many times). I was sweating and breathing hard. Then near the end, I was doing the abs - I had to do 100 reps of reverse curls. I literally ground my teeth and did it thinking how that was the last one. Then when S said, now do some side bends on the incline, instead of frowing, I dissolved into giggles. I was that tired. But I still could do 30 mins of cardio too. When you really work out hard (per your stamina), it is so euphoric. I think maybe that is why some people get addicted to exercise.

I don’t know why but I am feeling very clean and much lighter today. It might be some kind of weird reaction. Most likely the aftermath of the workout. But I know I have not felt this good in a while.

Remember I was supposed to go with some girls from my office to a spa before christmas. I agreed and made reservations. I didn’t know they were depending on me to drive them there. So a few days before the day, when I couldn’t make me feel enthusiastic about a day in spa, I made up some excuses and decided to drop out. Later I found out that nobody had gone. I felt so guilty. I should have made myself go.

Anyways, the good thing is now them and a few more enthu ones are going to a resort for the news year - the first weekend of the new year. I am going too. yay! And I am not going to ditch this time. Requested bro to not come on that weekend. I am feeling very excited. It is a very nice resort near a huge river here. I think they have some adventure sports plus tame things like boating and walking trails and campfires. I will tell you all how it went. So, hey, things are looking up.

A colleague from abroad called up and we had a technical discussion about some problem client is facing. I made some useful suggestions and he was appreciative. Even that added to the glow of the day. Like a fool, yesterday I told R about my plans for a new job. Hope that idiot doesn’t spread it. If he does, I will joke it out and anyway right now I am very useful here.

I know this high will not last. But I am going to enjoy it fully till it lasts.

I am going to cook a lot this weekend. Plus will try out some preliminary baking. I remember soclose talking about a quiche some time back. I am thinking of trying it out. I think she put it in a comment somewhere. Will have to read many blog entries to search it. If anyone has an easier idea, pleaaaaaase share. I should keep the useful things collected at one place. So I needn’t be searching all over for book and recipe recommendations.

Again thank you so very very much for the support and the super suggestions. Yes Ruby, I am wearing my best lingerie, a little of my fav. perfume, a good top with my friday jeans and feeling mucho better. I should go for a  facial, hair cut and works this weekend. Though to have a proper skin care regimen, I would have to put in a lot of hard work. I would though.

Can’t say it enough - how much each of you mean to me!

My profound thought of the day - Life is full of possibilities.

PS I am not a weirdo to feel so peppy after that low only 12 hours back, am I?

Later - it’s now 10:30 pm. I am back from work. All my euphoria lost, drained. I am happy I could hold it together for the whole day. I will find something else to be happy about soon enough, because it’s weekend and I don’t need to go to work. But till I get another job, it is such a long hard way ahead.

This is later. Only a minute to midnight. I couldn’t sleep. Thank God, I logged in here.

Ella, Ruby, everyone, thank you thank you so much. I agree with all my heart. I will be okay. Like a stupid I called him once a little while back and I cried. That was stupid but I am done. No more crying.

It has been my fault. It was my mistake in judging people. I will get away from him. But I will have to live with myself. I am afraid of myself now. But still I know I will live. I love life too much. I was shaking for half an hour when I heard that. I left office earlier. But I was so happy only a couple of hours later, when the microwave oven showed up. I called bro and I could hear own my voice bubbling. So if a microwave can make me forget, I am sure time can too.

I cannot expect good things to come out of stupid actions. It doesn’t happen and will not happen. So here goes S too. Good alarm at right time. I will pay for this mistake with my pain and hope like hell that I don’t make another mistake, not soon anyway.

I am going to work out and eat well and try to meditate. I drink coffee in office now, Ella. I am going to be well. I am going to be responsible for my actions and try not to be stupid any more. I know I will falter badly. Please hold my hand then or push me to the right path.

I can’t tell my mom this. She will be hurt much more than I am. I will eventually tell my bro. He would be less angry than mom, but it will break his heart to see me like this. I don’t want them to feel pity for me. Okay, I have made a bad and time consuming mistake. But I am not that unhappy. They need not be too.

I will try very very hard now. I know you are with me. I need you a while longer. I need you forever.

R is most likely getting married in Feb. And we broke up in November end. Another colleague told me this now. That guy doesn’t know about us.

I don’t have the courage to ask R about it. I don’t know how I will survive the next 3 hours of my office day. I don’t know how I will come back tomorrow. He sits less than 5 feet away. Since I am his lead, there is no way I can avoid him.

So this was my love!

Well, I did go to gym today. After a whole week of break. Did not do full work out. Just 45 mins of cardio. But at least I got started again. Hope I won’t strat bunking again and stay afloat with my plans. I am slowly making progress with the list of my pending chores and that is making me feel much better.

My plan is not to set any goals right now. I need smaller goals of staying normal for a day at a time and then a week at a time. After that I would again start on exercise goals. Generally I am planning to work harder, work out harder, eat cleaner, reduce clutter and stay positive.

I think my mom is again gearing up for another round of making me meet guys. I think I will be able to afloat this time. I won’t get involved much. Though I agree with Ruby, if I am going to do it, better to do it wholeheartedly. So will try to stay sane, not take unnecessary stress, not get angry with mom. I feel I will do better.

I got quite a few movies to watch yesterday and day before. Somehow didn’t work out. I liked “Devil wears Prada” a little bit, “the making of an american quilt” a little better. Couldn’t finish “the color of money”. Somehow got irritated. And got very scared after watching half hour of “the things you can see by looking at them” and didn’t watch any more. I am yet to shrug off the depression. But getting there. It’s not like me to give up on a movie!!

Anyways, that is about it. I too am planning to check out the book suggetsed by round. I have never been much good in planning and working per plan. I have almost always gone with the flow. Maybe I could change a little.

Love and good thougts for all of you.

Had a good day foodwise. Almost no junk food. Made “sesame tofu with vegetable rice” - a recipe from vegetarian times. Saw the link on Shari’s blog. There are quite a lot of promising recipes there. This tofu dish also came out very nice - better than my expectation. The aroma of sesame is really nice.

Woke up with a good mood. Did quite an amount of work. It’s so nice when I can concentrate on my work. Coding is such an easily pleasing job. The satisfaction in solving something is good. Wish I could concentrate like this everyday. Anyway I will keep working on coming out of the depressive mood that the office inspires and submerge myself at work. Afterwards sent my resume to a few places. Let’s see if I hear from them.

Also at last found a dealer to exchange my microwave oven at a reasonable price. He was supposed to deliver it today but he didn’t. He wants to deliver tomorrow. It will be tough to be back home early. But I will try to make it. It will be fun if I can try out baking a little bit but before bro comes. The oven is a convection one. So it should allow baking. I have never baked anything. Plus I won’t be using eggs mostly. So… well enough said.

S is back in town. I got a call from him when I didn’t go to gym today. I have to start being regular with my workout again. No negotiation, no bunking with exercise. Hopefully things will be better now. S again called later for a coffee date. I didn’t go. partly because I was waiting for the oven delivery, partly because I am scared. I don’t know if I am running away from a good thing. Conventional wisdom says I am doing right. Except for messing up relationships, I have always done well with my mix of conventional-unconventional thinking. It is here, I mess up no matter what. Anyway, let’s see.

T.T.T

Put up in a place
where it’s easy to see
the cryptic admonishment
T.T.T.
When you feel how depressingly
slowly you climb,
it’s well to remember that
Things Take Time.

Piet Hein

Well, I think this is the year when I came nearest to celebrating Christmas! It is so good to read all of you and I feel the warmth and joy. It is as if I am there with each of you, my friends.

The year is closing by. I have this stupid superstition to believe that years/dates adding up to 3 are lucky for me. I fight this sometimes and sometimes I just can’t help myself. So I had a lot of expectations from 2007. Okay, I lost my love which is mostly a boon in disguise. I started my most successful stint of gymming. I met S who is my dear dear friend in physical world. I found all of you. There is nothing that I can say about the love and support I have received here. The most amazing thing (which shouldn’t have been) is how similar we all are despite our different countries and cultures. I theoretically knew it. But I never thought people from so far away could be the friends I could not find near me. So lucky of me!

A new year is looming up. I feel so hopeful looking forward to the changes. Will a new me emerge again? I was thinking about myself yet again - that’s my favorite subject. I think I am quite a nice person but I need a bit more confidence. Not so much that I lose my objectivity. But a little more won’t hurt at all. Maybe that is why I am going through this - to earn my confidence. I have often arrogantly thought - I don’t want to be lucky, I want to deserve everything I have. Well, like many other wishes, I guess this wish is to be fulfilled too - at least partly. Am I being too arrogant?

I was so upset yesterday. I actually cried a few times. I couldn’t particularly figure why I was so sad either. I don’t really think I am sad about losing R. I am angry a bit because my ego got bruised badly. Still I was feeling so low. I almost couldn’t hang on. Somehow managed to do a bit less than reasonable amount of work. Then when I was climbing the stairs to reach my home on 2nd floor, saw the almost full moon and I smiled.

Read till 2:30 am. I am almost at the end of the book. This must be the only or one of a very very few books, I have read more than once, in my adult reading. I can’t really describe why I love this book so. I think I admire Howard Roark so much because of his confidence, not his talent. I wish I had some confidence in me, for whatever talent I have.  I do try to do my work honestly most of the time.

Woke up to a sunny morning. Lovely weather today. While coming to work saw much merry crowd in the churches on the way. There is festivity in the air. I am sitting alone in my wing of the office. I didn’t see anyone except support staff when I went for a tea. The security guys outside are watching a violent movie. They look relaxed and happier. I am playing some music. I can’t begin to describe how peaceful it is. I am planning to order a pizza for lunch after a while. I know I like people. I love you. But it is so awesome to have to see or talk to or smile at nobody. I have quite an unsocial streak in me. I have no problem at all to share a smile or a greeting or a kindness with a stranger at all, it is the ennui of the faces I know. I love some of my colleagues but I don’t know why the rest irritates or perhaps scares me! I love to be alone, in a safe way. I can imagine things and get very scared too. Anyway, I was thinking I should come to work on holidays alone perhaps. But then it won’t stay so beautiful. It is only for today and I am going to soak it in.

Planning to go for diabetic checkups tomorrow and take mom. However could not get the appointment today. Let’s see if I can get the appointment tomorrow. Or I might try to exchange the microwave tomorrow. Need to clear up the gulty load of pending chores. I want to feel light and right.

The new year is looking up indeed. Such a great excuse to get up and get going. I know I will fall and stumble and lose hope many times, but at the end of the day or month or year, I would have made progress and I would love me a little bit more.

Wish you all a very merry Christmas! Have lots of fun with your loved ones. You know I am there too.

PS I got a call from bro too. He is on the job of figuring out the reasons I need to leave my job. And I got instructions about what to do to fix the PC at home. He can make things so easy. The chat with him perked me up no end, as usual. He also said that he would try to come some time in January. That is going to be so “yesssssssss!!!!!!!!!!”

Just another day. Eating has been reasonably okay. I have made another big bowl of soup - green beans, onion, potato, carrots and a dash of garlic and vinegar. Yet to taste it. Going to have that with a couple pieces of toast, for dinner. I have got a healthy lunch packed too.

Again the usual feeling of restlessness. I did call up the bank and changed the address for my mom’s account. Still lots of chores left. I didn’t wash my car yesterday. I am yet to organize my papers. Spent most of the weekend reading and watching old seasons of tv serial - this time  “Mahabharat” - a  very popular and a bit old tv series based on what is India’s best written epic. This one book truly has it all and I mean all.

My PC is not getting switched on. I will try once more by unplugging and plugging all cables. Then I guess I would have to call a technician. Hope the modem/router doesn’t go out in the meantime. I will be in trouble without internet. I am supposed to do some night support this month.

Not much happening on the job front yet. Sent my resume to a few agencies. Well, anyway it is a long process. I have to get started properly soon.

Time for work. Hope you all have a very merry christmas!