song of the road

Yes. thank God it is friday! There is the movie date tomorrow. Though bad movie, maybe it will be okay still. I might buy a cover for my phone. May browse around a bit more. Why don’t I buy a fresh pair of jeans? Maybe I would do it! But I should lose weight soon and they it would go loose. Then I can wear it on days I feel bloated. let’s see.

I feel, the lunch with S on Sunday won’t work out. I have a sneaky feeling, he is feeling uncomfortable for some reason. Anyway, not going to do any pushing. I would have loved an hour’s conversation with him, without having to work out. But, it’s okay. I think I will read and maybe cook a bit.

I weighed 3 lbs extra today morning. So lost major turf on the weight loss challenge. However no use fretting. I did eat too much after dinner yesterday. Just couldn’t stop being restless. But good thing, I did not call up R. I am trying to read up on nutrition and be careful a bit more. Bought a small diary to keep note of food I eat. The people who are on the weightloss program in my gym and of course many others do that. Oh yeah, I am only trying to acheive general fitness officially.

Workout today was listless. though kept at it for about 2 hours due to S. But my mind was not fully in. So I kept doing badly. Chetaed on counts whenever S was not looking. bad behavior! S counted and told me I had said ‘irritating’, ‘tough’, ‘really tough’, ‘I want to go home’ at least 15 times. Anyways, still I think the ticker to count my cardio kms is paying off big time. I did 2.5 km even when I felt like stop walking every 30 secs. Planning to to gym tomorrow in the am and do some good amount of cardio. Hope I do.

Thank you everybody for the great support and love and encouragement. I am hanging in there. and well, for most part. Maybe I should look into the option of a new job, starting a week later. But then staying on had many benefits, plus I don’t want to run away. But staying also will complicate the getting over process much more. Let’s see how it goes.

Everyone have a great day and a very good weekend ahead. Love you all.

I woke up not feeling good. Went to gym but couldn’t do my complete workout. Only did about an hour. Not good at all for my weight loss challenge. Need to gear up again. Hopefully will be back to track tomorrow. Sent an whiny sms to S. He will get me into action, I hope.

I have been a bit more blue today. I know however much I reason with myself, I will have up days and down days. I am trying not to connect everything to what could have been in my life. Still feel I am doing much better than earlier. I hope I don’t lose it too much one of these days and undo all the good work.

Ella’s news has brought on some sober thoughts too. I need to work hard to keep my health and my financial security.

Well.. that’s about it for today.

A poem that was there in my mailbox 

 Pieces of me…..
 Scattered…..shredded…..
 
 As I gathered these pieces of me from the floor,
 I’ve found one piece that has not yet been severed.
 
 It was still in its perfectly-formed shape;
 has not been shredded, or trampled into pieces.
 
 I picked it up and looked at it closely -
 I realized, it was MY smile.
 
 I shall sew these pieces of myself together
 to form a comfortable quilt.
 
 It is going to be colourful.
 It is going to be warm.
 
 And of course - “The Smile” -
 It is going to be there.
 
 You are welcome to join me -
 but only you mustn’t be miserable.

Just thought I would write a quick one.

Well R came back day before yesterday. It is now finally over. That small voice of hope in my heart which was still thinking maybe he would choose me is now silenced (almost!). I knew that this is going to happen. But still it was hard to take. I fell apart a few times last two nights. The late nights make me feel so vulnerable and lonely and scared. But I am okay. I have made vast progress in growing up since my last break up. So I think I would be okay.

Many good things are happening.

One, I have tons of work to do. And fortunately I have lovely (for most part) coworkers (including R). So that is keeping me busy and happy for most part. I couldn’t work and was numb with sadness for a few hours yesterday but the day picked up later and I am in much better shape today.

Two, I am going okay on the exercise front. The tickers are helping. S as usual is fab and fun. My gym is now my biggest sanctuary. It is almost guaranteed good time for the hours I spend there. I just hope there is no plan yet in my fate for S leaving me too. I can handle only so much at once.

Three, some of my girl friends from work were thinking of going to a spa. I am encouraging them to visit a fab spa I went a couple years back. They had yummy massages, facials, skin enhancers, wraps - the whole works. I had tried only one massage last time and it was so divine. I think we will go there on the weekend before christmas. It is bringing a big smile of anticipation on my face.

One the very bad front of course is dealing with the breakup with R. I am trying to stay calm and logical and forgiving as much as possible. But not doing such a great job always. But anyway it has to be done - I have to become okay again and I will get there one way or other.

I sometimes visualize things. Like Soclose said that day, the wheel turns. I agree. I see this huge wheel with me kind of wrapped on the rim and it is turning. The peak of pain is when of course I am at the bottom of that wheel. Now I don’t know if I am going to the bottom or coming out of the bottom.

Then now I see myself mostly in pieces on the the floor. I am picking up the pieces and gluing them back up into me. Only I see that my smile is still dazzling and all intact on the floor.

Well, ini, stop the drama now. Nothing is so bad.

On the not so good front, that new guy who I met on Saturday is turning out to be a bit of a bore. But I am going to be water and be more patient as I am most definitely biased because of the other things in my life now. Hope I can feel more enthusiastic about him soon. He wanted us to go for a movie this Saturady. He expects me to get the tickets which is kinda okay. I had to change my schedule a LOT to be free at the time he wanted. and now the worst - we have to watch a stupid movie I had no intention of watching (not to mention the over-expensive Staurday evening tickets for that movie?? yuck!!!) , just to suit his schedule. I let it go after a mild protest. So I will go this time. Let’s see how the conversation goes there. The future is not looking good on that one, as of now.

Well, that is about it. Time for me to grab my  lunch now.

Everyone have a great great day! You bring light to my life.

Had a generaly good day yesterday. Woke up late around 9:30 am. After a sketchy, lazy breakfast, went to gym, met S and gave him the money. Afterwards went to the library to change my books.

 It was almost a month since I changed books. I was reading a rather heavy book called “God’s Little Soldier”. It has some interesting angle on religion and the protagonist is extremely religious. He tries to find himself - first as a born muslim and then later converts to chiristianity and at the end practices hinduism for a while too - all in his about 35 years of life. He feels he is God’s chosen one to save mankind. He tries to do lot of good but because (I think) he is ruthless and in a tearing hurry, he picks up very questionable means to his ends and for most part mankind needed to be saved from him. Then there is his brother and father who are extremely liberal and they have their ways too. It is an engrossing book though a bit scary and can take an emotional toll.

The other one was an english translation of an urdu novel called “Umrao Jaan Ada”. This has been made into a very successful hindi film in the eighties. Umrao Jaan is a courtesan in British India - around late 1800s. This one also is a superb biography novel. It talks of her life from when she got kidnapped at the age of about 12 and how another courtesan buys her and teaches her singing, dancing, poetry writing, her loves and losses - a long journey of a strong woman.

Anyway, this time I just did not want any heavy stuff - so just didn’t veer towards english fiction by Indian writers. I picked up a couple of novels on movies - one I think is “never been kissed” and one more - I have already forgotten the names. To go whole hog on light reading, I picked up a couple of Jackie Collins novels too. One Micheal Chrichton - “Five patients” and a couple more something. As in food, my gluttony shows up in reading too. That is why sometimes I think I don’t enjoy reading as I should. Rounded it all up by buying some magazines for mom.

Did some cooking too yesterday. Made that pasta salad with penne pasta, loads of bell pepper - green, yellow and red, a bit of carrot, onion, garlic and a dash of chilli, vinegar, mixed herbs and olive oil. It definitely was not anything authentic but it was yummy and fun and light too. Made some mixed vegetable curry - carrots, cauliflower, beans, capsicum, potatoes and a lentil soup with spinach to go with rice for dinner. I think I did okay vegetable wise yesterday and had a small bowl of pineapple too.

Did not work out yesterday even though I went to the gym. S was working out all seriously with gloves, belts - the whole paraphernelia. Anyway made it to gym today. Instead of pressing snooze, I stopped the alarm when it went off at 6 and slept on. Luckily the guy who works out before me didn’t come and S called up asking me to come early. I couldn’t go early but made it in time somehow. Worked out for about 2.5 hours - including lower body workouts, abs and cardio. I think making the ticker for walking goal is going to help me out.

S would be changing all the workouts by Wednesday and a new routine will start. Though I think in the last few months, we have not done any routine properly as both S and I kept missing workouts. Hopefully I would do better this time. He said he would give lower weights and higher repititions for next time. Will that be good?! Anyway, lets see for a few days.

By the way, there was a nutrition quiz in the gym on saturday. I would go and ask them the correct answers tomorrow, if I can remember. I did quite badly there. I hadn’t realized that I know so less. Though one question was - “How many calories are there in 60 ml of whiskey?”. Of course I have no clue whatsoever. But I guess that won’t hurt me. Which reminds me, maybe I should look up the calories in 60 ml of vodka, so if I go to a pub next time, I will be able to mar my enjoyment by counting calories. Anyway I hardly ever drink alcohol, so it’s okay.

Maybe I should try to figure out calories of what I eat everyday a bit more. Because we never measure ingredients, it could best be approximate. Then too finding out calorie content of each ingredient - it is going to be complicated arithmetic. So, let me stick to reasonably healthy options and exercise more and let’s see. Though eventually I guess I will have to sort out the eating more, because I may not be able to work out this much always. Hope I can though, because working out is far better than eating restrictions.

On that profound note, let me end my long post. Everybody have a great day in all possible ways. Love you!

Went through my entire blogroll. Almost no one had a new entry. So here comes my day.

The day started good. I checked my weight when I went to gym. I am down again a bit. 69.3 kg which is about 0.5 kg/1 lb down. Not so bad. The day I enrolled for that weight loss challenge, I was at 70.5 kg that day. So per them, lost quite a bit by the first week alone. I know that’s not the whole truth. Anyway, need to work harder next week. Should not squander it away. This week I did nothing extra to lose weight.

Next week I need to do more cardio. I am planning to follow round’s example to make a walking/cycling goal. I noticed that between the cross trainer and the treadmill, I managed 6 km today. I think I will have a goal of 200 km by Dec. end. I think 150 km can be doable. So let me try 200. Let’s see how that goes.

S has got into some trouble with the relatives he is staying. He has to move out to a new place within a couple of days. It’s a stupid mess. One of the kids in the house, had stolen S’s cell phone which is quite a costly one. Surprising that he has splurged so much on that phone. Anyway, S kind of caught her and got the phone back. Now the whole family is embarassed and wants him to move out. Here we need to pay ten months of rent in advance as deposit money with the landlord which often works out to be a hefty sum. I am loaning part of it to S. So may go gymwards again tomorrow. Maybe should work out a bit. Though when S suggested that today, I told him that working out on Sundays is a sin.

Oh ok, I went out to meet the new guy. This one was not the one I talked about earlier. I talked with him on phone quite a few times. Something sounded very phony about him. He sort of had the tendency to run over everything with his ideas and preferences and seemed a bit manipulative too. Maybe I am over-reacting, I don’t know. But planning to stick to my gut feeling.

So this is another guy that I went to meet. Mom is working hard. Anyways, this one is nice too. I think he makes less than me which is ok by me though I am not sure of that yet. Designation wise he is way ahead. It’s just that not all professions pay same here. He has a long navy background. Now in private sector though. What I liked in him - he is confident, seemed kind of balanced too. not so good - too much talking (insecurity? may get better later), a bit hyperactive. not good - well, he is not R and he doesn’t drive. I know that’s silly but I always wanted a boy friend/ husband who drives very well, so we can have many long drives. What my mom won’t like is that he is short, I am ok about that. Anyway, let’s see how it goes. I hope he doesn’t try to change me a lot. Poor guys - they will often sound so enthusiastic and I am often not even half there. This is why I want to wait. Anyways let’s see.

After that meeting was over, I roamed about in a smallish shopping mall for a couple of hours. It was quite nice. I bought a nice notebook and some crazy pencils for work. Then went to the food section. Bought a wine bottle opener - have lost one somehow. Planning to make risotto tomorrow. So have to open the bottle of white wine in the fridge. I picked up a couple of Pringles pack but somehow got bored after a while and kept them back. I surprised myself so. I guess I am thankful I lost a pound without doing much - don’t want to screw that up. Bought bell peppers colored bright red and yellow. May make a colorful pasta salad tomorrow with the whole wheat pasta I bought. Got myself a nice lip gloss too. Even roamed near the purfume counters and almost bought one but stopped myself in time.

The perfume counters drive me crazy. I have hardly any make-up stuff, much skin and hair care stuff which lies neglected, but quite a lot of perfumes. Love the bottles - both inside and outside. May treat myself to chanel no 5 once I lose 10 kgs. At least I will lose my head sniffing and trying many of them. Like wine testing, there should be something similar for perfumes. Maybe there is!

Everyone have a great weekend! I love you!

So many things.. oh, sooo many things..

I skipped office and gym both and again yesterday. I woke up feeling awful again. Just couldn’t face up to the whole long day at work. I kept on thinking that I would go even if late but still couldn’t. This has scared my mom a bit, I think. She has kind of agreed to my point of view. She kept cooking me goodies yesterday and today. I felt so bad for her. Poor lady is scared of me, scared for my future. Wish I could do something to take away her worries, her pains. Kind of keep her in a world insulated from all pain. She is trying so hard to take care of me when it is so completely my turn. I used to visualize keeping my parents inside a mobile glass bubble where no pain can touch them. But I guess that can be awfully boring. :-)  Life is tough for her now, but she must be having some fun trying to work it out.

This not being able to face work scared me a bit too. I need to do almost anything to avoid the onset of a long depression. I talked to myself some yesterday and tried to pin point what is bothering me so much. I think (I am never sure), I need some time to close the book on R, mourn the relationship before I can want to meet want new guys. This pressure of trying to meet new guys and trying to find nice interesting things to say is killing me. I just need to go off this now. As usual my timing is all wrong. I am getting too old and if I want any family, it is high time I get on it. But what can I do? My life is plain refusing to follow the conventional Indian woman’s life. I am more and more settling down and becoming okay with my – what is it – waywardness or freakiness – whatever. :-)  This American term – whatever – I love using it.

There is trouble ahead. Closing the book on R wouldn’t be easy at all. I like him immensely plus he has become a habit. Of all the bad things, I will have to go on working with him for quite some time. For both of us, this job is working out fine and none of us want to simply change the job. As it is, it is tough enough to break off, interacting with him everyday while trying to cut off all personal equation is going to be a killer. I at least have gone through the horrible pains of the heartbreak once before when I broke off with my ex-boy friend, so maybe just maybe I would fare a little bit better this time around. I don’t know how R is going to handle it as I am his first serious relationship. Maybe I am worrying for nothing, hopefully he would be the emotionally stronger one and I would only have to deal with my problem. Anyway enough of that. I know I will somehow come out of this too, a little battle scarred maybe, a little more cold-hearted maybe – but stronger and maybe a little bit more confident. And if I can hang on to my weight loss program, I will come out of this looking good in every way. I just need to remember to stop myself from cursing R’s parents to hell, in my mind. Just like I don’t feel like meeting new guys now, they don’t feel like having me as their daughter-in-law. It is their choice – wrong choice of course – but still only theirs to make.

I am having a far better day today. Doesn’t mean I won’t go down again. But I would guard hard against that. I am back to work anyway.

It is surprising that I am actually having a sort of good day – emotionally at least. Just one year on this day, I lost my dad. My dad had made enough fuss all his life. But he just died that morning – only mom was there. In fact even she wasn’t. He had worked on his stock portfolio, even the night before. Somehow at the night, he fell badly when he was going to the loo. Since my mom was sleeping under medication, it took him a while to wake her up. He had a bad pain in his waist. My mom called the apartment caretaker and they took him to a nearby hospital. My dad was perfectly lucid and was directing my mom’s every move. The doctor came and after preliminary check-ups, decided to admit him for a day or two for the waist. They wheeled him upstairs to a room and my mom was downstairs filling up the paperwork. She did it and went upstairs to check up on him and he wasn’t any more. In that short time, he had a massive heart attack and that was that. It was after that my mom called us (it was only 6:30 am) and the doctor called our neighbors. Could something have been done? He was only 65. We would live with that.

It has been so many years that I have been away from home for work. Before that too, dad had to stay alone for quite a few years, as mom stayed with us in another city for our schooling. The things our parents had done! I make at least 5 times of what my dad got as his salary (though later he did much better with his trading), and so many times I run out of money. It is a mystery how my parents ran two establishments in two cities and paid for our education too – two engineers – though thankfully our college education was virtually free fee-wise but there were tons of other stuff. Anyway, the thing is I think, since dad has been away from my daily life so much, it still hasn’t sunk in. It is as if he is just away somewhere and would just be back any time. Or I am a numb cruel person.

I keep thinking so much more about him these days. For the first few months, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Now I remember him a few times a day. I have always been a heavy dreamer. And he is there almost everyday. I remember how I used to think of all the books and all the movies where your dad just speaks to you and tells you what you should do. I will stare or turn fast to catch a glimpse of him sitting on his favorite sofa or just a chair watching us. He was never anywhere. 

I had a hard time learning to drive when I was 18. I was very scared and just couldn’t get it. Dad gave up and then one of the drivers from his factory came and taught me. He is another awesome character. I still could barely drive when he wasn’t sitting beside me. I don’t know what dad thought because he couldn’t stop telling me how I could do anything if only I would want to do it and try and work a little harder, but I was sure I would never drive independently. Meanwhile my bro learned driving almost on his own and honed it in a nearby driving school. He is crazy about all modes of transportation – starting from bikes to cars to trucks to trains to airplanes. He forced me to buy the car. His logic was if his girl friend could drive, most definitely I could too. :) and just taught me for one day and I could actually drive. He sat with me for a week on the way to and from office and I started to drive around independently. And trust me, in Bangalore traffic and with my skills that is no mean feat at all. And I wanted so bad to show off my driving to my dad. They were supposed to come visit us and I was supposed to get them from airport and get them in style in my car. And we were to go on long drives of which each of us in our family are crazy. Only it never happened. Okay, I took my mom around but no fun at all without dad and his comments. I kept imagining him sitting beside me while I was driving but what good is that!

I bugged him and bugged him and got them to make their passports. So we could have at least one holiday abroad, maybe one cruise too. My dad would have loved that. They got the passports too. But I couldn’t plan the trips soon enough. Who knew this would happen when both his parents lived to more than eighty. But I should have acted sooner. I kept saying I need to plan a trip abroad soon before one of them falls too sick (and I always thought that would be mom), but I just said that and couldn’t get around actually acting on it.

Well, I know I was his favorite. My bro was too but because I came first, I just got the bigger chunk of his heart. Not fair? My brother tried and became more his friend. To my ever lasting grief now, I did not always make the effort to be really close to him. Oh, I got him gifts galore and he was mighty fond of them too. But we couldn’t agree on many things and I wanted to avoid fights at all costs and so I kept quite and let discussions become monologues. And I never did tell enough how much I loved him. The one guy who loved me so much, who after so much disagreements too had almost unconditionally supported on me on anything I did, I did not love him back enough.

Oh what to say of weight loss now. Dad, your not being here as my last resort on everything any more, has scared me enough and I am learning only now to try to be more healthy. But as you said, I would do it – I can do it. I can do anything, right?

Well.. Thank you all sooo much for all the kind comments. You did make me feel so much better. I really appreciate your love and warmth. In such a short time, I have started to depend on you.

The new guy is kind of okay. We chatted some yesterday. I think we would meet for dinner on Saturday. None of the weekdays are looking good. Let’s see how it goes. I feel like I am cheating on R. But I think even R would advise me to do this, which of course will make me feel more like not doing this. I agree that being water is the best possible course now. If I can like someone else, I guess I can move on. If I can’t, I am okay too. My mom too will settle down sooner or later. As we say in this part of the world - “no can go against their fate”. I know how that sounds, so we have this other saying too - “a deer will not enter the mouth of a sleeping lion”. I remember someone saying that for every proverb, there is a counter proverb, which is rather true.

Anyways, I am feeling nice and good this morning. I guess this is the aftermath of exercising. Made it to gym today. S messaged me 5 mins before 7, asking me to be there by 7. I made it there by 7:10 am and he said “did my sms wake you up?”. I said. “of course and then I teleported myself here”. the guy who works out with S just after me, has perversely started coming early everyday to bug me. S would often try to manage two diverse work outs together. Though I shouldn’t really complain, as I often get lots of extra time and attention from S.

I am stuck at 69.7 kg. Again can’t complain with the amount of work I am putting in. Need to do lot more cardio. Must get on it from tomorrow. and I need to brush my teeth the minute I finish my dinner. I have noticed that if I do that, I don’t feel like snacking later.

The eating this weekend is going to be bad. One would be that dinner with the new guy. and I need to plan something and take S for lunch one of these days too. S is so fussy about eating, I am yet to figure out where to take him. I don’t want to go to one of his regular jaunts and would rather go somewhere a little high end. But let’s see. Maybe next weekend. Apart from this, my team and I go out for lunch every friday. I need to think hard and do something to not sobatge my weight loss too badly.

 Well, that’s about it for today. Everyone have a great day towards meeting your goal. In fact having a goal in itself is such a fulfilling thing.

Feeling bit better today. Yesterday I slept on and off throughout the day. Generally I stay up far longer on off days and keep doing something or reading at least. I kept on falling asleep yesterday. I guess it is becoming like the start of a depression. Mom also got worried. Watched a few more episodes of M*A*S*H late last evening and that did make me smile.

Anyway, I am back to work today. Skipped gym today and slept still more. I have a slight headache from too much sleep, I think. Or it could be due to the lack of exercise. Need to get back in track soon. Thankfully things at work are not so bad and should be under control.

With my mom’s pushing and nagging, I did agree to chat a bit with a guy, who apparently is planning to get married soon. I didn’t dislike him too much. He earns way more than me and seems to be generally doing very well in life and quite a few of our ideas match too. I might meet him sometime tomorrow.

 On one hand, if this thing with the new guy works out - it would be a solution and a huge relief, for at least time being. and if i agree to marriage, i would definitely give it a whole hearted try too. meanwhile what about R? he is trying so hard to get his parents agree to our marriage. though we both know, it won’t work out most probably. and the worst thing is R doesn’t even want me to wait. he knows how much I want to have a kid and so he thinks I should move on if things don’t work out between us.

I am so completely confused. I want to to do the right thing. and hopefully find happiness for me and the folks I care for. and the poor guy who would marry me. then again these are early days. most probably this thing with the new guy would fuizzle out and I would be back in my comfy rut. and I need to stop thinking so much. I will go with the flow and let’s see what happens. If things go wrong, I will just have to pick me up and start fresh.

Food-wise yesterday was okay. I was so feeling so low, i did not feel like eating much. Hopefully I would be okay today as well. Must go back to gym tomorrow. the 3kg loss goal looks not so good now. Must get over all this and go for the weight loss.

I love you all. Have a great day!

Did not have a good weekend at all. My mom is now full time on the case of my marriage. She is now really messing up my peace. I know she means well but it can be hard to take at times. Let’s see how things work out. I am trying to hang on to my sanity.

Was not able to talk to R whole of yesterday. Could get in touch today. He is also going through his hell. His parents are reacting terribly. Anyway enough of all this.

Went to gym today. My t.o.m. started yesterday. Was quite tired while working out. Still work out was quite well. I used weights while doing ab exercises - both for upper ab crunches and reverse curls. It was quite good. Did about 15 mins of cardio too. Not much progress made towards the 3 kg goal yet. Ate bad yesterday. Even now I was eating a bar of chocolate.

Had another argument with mom after I came back from gym. So called in sick today. Hopefully staying at home, I will be able to sort myself out and would feel better tomorrow. Just couldn’t bear the thought of driving all the way to work and staying there whole day. I need to get out of this depression soon. Or I will screw up work which will be terrible. Hopefully things will work out somehow.

well… that’s all for now. I might login later. Hope you all are having a better day in reaching your goals and generally living life!