song of the road

The last day of the last job is over now. I left last Friday. The long hell that started back last November, seems to be almost over. It has not sunk in yet. I am not sure yet what to do with myself. I mean I know on big-picture terms. But not on daily life. Feeling very weightless and a little bewildered. Lifting of that great load has made me a little giddy.

There were so many good-byes on Friday. It made me quite sad. Looks like more people liked me that I knew. I got job references from a few higher management folks. Then many have told me that I would have a job here any time I want to return. Well, maybe not really, but still nice of them to say it. Had a few lunch outings. One pending on this week. There is a gang of girls who could not take me out for lunch. So they have decided to treat me with a weekend getaway. So sweet of them. My team presented me with a hefty gift voucher of a very good book store. It was so sweet of them to remember my penchant for reading.

Well, now on life onwards. I need to get thin. Reduce my blood sugar level. I need to study for the certification. Or just have fun during this break. I am trying to go on a small trip with mom. It is difficult to move her though. Anyway, we are definitely going on a day trip to a forest nearby. One can see many tigers there. I will show you photos. They let you enter the forest only in a covered car under heavy escorting. And the entrance to the forest is like a supermarket. So not much hope of soaking up some peace there. They also have options of letting people spend nights in log huts but I should have tried that while R was there. Also planning on another trip which is a package tour. It sort of has it all - gorgeous beach, lovely backwaters, deep forests and high hills.

I am planning to catch up with all your blogs today. Lots of love to you all.

Thanks so much to everyone of you for being so happy for me. I felt so warm reading one after another of your comments. I belong to a community of such gorgeous women. I love and cherish you.

I was way too busy last week. I was doing the freelancing training. The participants were bright and alert. I had fun with them. Not only teaching was fun but it was enjoyable other ways too. They are so eager to learn and also so funny. I now feel like I have known them forever. They are all going to Germany in a week or so. Anyway it all went good. But I had to get up at 5:00 am (which is VERY early for me) and prepare for the day - looking for more examples and looking up doubts. Then this place was a nightmare to commute due to the traffic. I spent 4 hours each day on travelling. Everyday we would spill over our allotted time and when I would be home around 10 pm, I could barely keep my eyes open.

This was good. It proved to me that I have not really lost my zeal for work. It is only this company and environment that I find sapping. Then we recorded all the training sessions. I was so surprised when we listened back. I sounded tinny and a bit whiny and definitely not very confident. Generally that’s not how it works. I have a good voice and always come across sexier on phone. Also leaving in South India for 8 years have modified my accent a lot. I need to be conscious about these and become better again. Specially I want my voice to be full of laughter, confidence and that sexy huskiness. I remember I once asked my first boyfriend about how my voice sounds. He said, “it sounds best when I am silent”. I am still grinning.

Well, this is supposed to be my last week here. But it might get extended a bit. Last week there was some acrimony and some threats came from my boss. It’s my fault that I wasn’t cleanly doing my work because of my depression. But then I had been upfront with them throughout and tried my best to be fair. Anyway it is all going to end soon, give or take one week.

I am to go to Bombay for a few days next month. I am going to be there when we sign the rental agreement for our new house there. By the way, we have been considerably lucky there and got a 3 bedroom house for a lot cheaper than the normal market rate. The landlord liked my brother. I hope that is the only reason.

I am missing the kids I was training. They were so bright and fun. I guess I get attached too easily. There was this one guy who was so sweet. He would not only help out all the time but also anticipate problems and help. Quite a few times, I didn’t even notice the inconvenience and he changed a few things to make me more comfortable. I was surprised and very touched. Generally who would expect guys to be that sensitive? Later over lunch, I found out that his mom is not very well and his dad is physically challenged. He is making many arrangements for them to be comfortable while he is going to be in Germany. A really sweet guy.

I don’t think I would be able to catch up with all of you right now. I would be back later in the evening and do so. Everybody have a great week and take care.

PS On the weight loss front, my eating this week was BAD. I am not sure I would be doing any better this week. I am planning to get back on track from next Monday.

Okay, this will sound crazy to you. But anyway, I have to share this.

Often in arranged marriages, a bride is chosen for the groom by his parents and vice versa. In most families, generally both sets of parents make the prospective bride and groom meet and the couple decides whether they want to go ahead. Some take some time and some don’t.

When R and I broke off, you all know how he got married immediately. We had a big office party this last weekend. I knew R would come with his wife. I wasn’t sure how I would react to that. For one thing, I didn’t want to fly off the handle in front of so many people. Also after lots of thoughts for long time now, I decided not to tell his wife about me. She has done nothing, why ruin her happiness?

Anyway, so I was seeing the party photographs today. I saw his wife’s photo. And I haven’t stopped grinning. You know, I always knew he would never get a woman more funny, intelligent and kind than me. Neither with my education and money, because of his background. But I always thought he would get a much better looking woman than me. If for nothing else then because almost everybody looks better than me. But can you believe it? I am 1000 times prettier and sexier than her. She is awfully ugly (I am sorry). She looks like a frozen skeleton from Sudan. I couldn’t believe that anyone can be that thin and outside of a hospital. Her features are quite bad too. Even though I shouldn’t be so gleeful, but there is no intelligence on her face. I think her only qualification is that she is from the same stupid caste as he is. Her neck looked like a twig really. This is one time, I saw a thin person and not a for moment I wanted to be like her.

I can’t believe how his parents chose her for him. Because R always told his parents would not find me pretty enough. And now they have got this specimen from hell. I know how vain R is. I cant believe why he agreed to marry her. Deep down (she is not more than two inched wide anywhere) she may be good and all that (her face didn’t say so), but R is too shallow for any “deep down” stuff. I used to get long lectures about how I should improve my appearance and now this. God!!! I have lost nothing. He has lost everything. He can keep a poker face in public, but I know everyday of his life, he will compare her with me and she will be wanting in every single way. It’s not even six months of marriage for him, we will see how long the poker face stays.

I kept on thinking how he could buy his car with money from me as loan and marry someone else within three months after that and get away with it and get to be happy after manipulating my emotions so badly. But who knew the universe has acted already. His parents hated me but they have taken done my job way better than I ever could have. I never imagined and hoped that this could happen. That girl is so much less than me in every possible way. I can’t believe it. THANK YOU GOD!!!! Also for not giving me such life-ruining parents. All fun of his life was those two years with me. Now he has perpetual hell in front of him. Though the girl may not live all that long, seeing how horribly thin she is. She must be sick in some way.

Okay! deep breath. I guess, I should now put a cap on my bitchiness. You know, my full name is Indrani. That means Queen of Heaven. After seeing her, I really thought I AM queen of heaven compared to her. you know R never showed his marriage photos to any of us at work. Now I know why. I had thought he wanted to spare my feelings. But now I know that he had long back realized how his fate has backfired.

I know it is very shallow of me to be so happy. But what the hell!!! Thank you soooooo much all of you for being here with me and cheering me on my darkest time. Now I feel not cheated at all, I can clearly see the biggest loser. Oh sweet sweet revenge.

Lots of love to all of you!

I am still a little too euphoric.

Sorry to be MIA. I was missing you guys.

Less than 3 weeks to go before I leave this company. I am feeling a mixture of emotions. I am sad. I had a lot of fun here. Also lot of anger. One is the thought that R is going scot-free. I am yet to shake off the feeling that he should get punished. Also the fact that I ruined a good amount of my professional reputation due to all this. I wish I could have been a better memory for the folks here. I had very successfully and practically single-handedly run the company newsletter. That should count for something.

Meanwhile something lucky happened. I got selected by a company to train their developers for 5 days which is freelance work. I would be paid roughly one-third of my regular monthly pay check. I am so happy and excited. I am working on course materials, handouts and assignments. This is bonus money and will help during my unemployment stint. Also in some ways, I love teaching. Then to free up time for the teaching stint, I am working harder at work too. Also knowledge transfer going there too. All in all satisfying time in many ways.

Slowly the wrapping up of affairs is happening. Bro and T have started looking for a new apartments. T’s elder sis and bro-in-law are too coming down to Bombay at roughly the same time. Mom and I were mildly scared of interference from them. However not bothering any more. We will see how it goes. My brother is doing very well in his job. That is very very good and satisfying for all us. It is only now that he is getting to implement his ideas and the company is backing him too. He had to hang in for very long before this good opportunity.

Well, not much else is up. Weight loss is completely in back burner. Except for fruits, not much good eating either. I am trying to read Lean Uris’ Exodus and Haj. Also reading Margaret Atwood’s “Robber Bride”. Taking some time over it. By the way, I read a couple of novels by Maeve Binchy. Loved those. Watching movies is going slow.

I need to stay awake for some more time for my client in Salt Lake City, Utah to pick up my phone. So long ladies. Love you so much.

everybody sooo much for the lovely comments. Specially Annie. You are holding me together.

Having a somewhat better day. I am planning to try to hang on for August. The money will really come handy. I was thinking of leaving early. Hope I can stick on. I want to think of me as a strong person.

Lots of love.

PS  I watched it’s a wonderful life yesterday. It was such a sweet movie. Could you guys please suggest some good movies for me?

I was doing quite well… Then I don’t know how it snuck up on me… I am in the middle of a bad relapse again.. I feel like weeping all the time… saying even one word needs such an effort.. I am so scared… Though I started off being angry… I thought I had lost my anger about R going scotfree and me taking all the grief over what has happened… I guess I am over reacting…

I am on the verge of leaving the job even earlier than planned…. I am trying to hang on for another month… just for myself… let’s see… I bunked work for quite a few days last week and have managed to drag my body in today somehow…

I know all will be well… I know I have an exciting life ahead… This is only one phase… everyone has ups and downs… I will be doing well for quite a while and then suddenly the grief will hit like a big wave and I can barely breathe…

anyway, enough of that… I am at work now… Feeling like dung… However the stay at home was not bad… I cooked some… yesterday I made pasta in spinach sauce… it came out well… then there were the beetroot parathas and beet bread rolls… I read a couple of books by Maeve Binchy… Really liked her upbeat stories… I think I will be more regular in listening to Mckenna… they kind of work… I formatted my PC and reloaded Windows… while re-partitioning, I by mistake formatted more drives than I intended to… so the upshot is that I have lost all old data, photos, books everything :).. I was surprisingly calm… I guess it was because it was my fault…. however… Doing some job hunting too…

Crying on your shoulders has made me feel a little better… on then, march on iniya… it will all be okay… to be precise, I am not in that much trouble, anyway…. I guess I need to have more steel in me rather than the salt pillar I am…

Love you all….

Nothing much new is happening. I am yet to exercise regularly. I am doing a little better foodwise. I am still eating more or less whatever I want. Only trying to stop the moment I feel full or the food doesn’t taste so good any more. I think I have a lost a kg just like that.

Another one and half month left in this company. Sometimes I feel a little sad but mostly relieved. However as the change is coming nearer, I am getting a little worried about money. This would be the first time in eleven years after I graduated from college that I would be without a monthly salary. I am still not job hunting very hard. Must start soon. I am getting out of the lethargy a little every day.

I am still with Paul Mckenna. I loved his weightloss CDs as well. Though there was one CD which is for some mind programming - kind of hypnosis. That didn’t work too well after first time. He was speaking in a very slow speed and I was getting impatient. I was doing better the first time, but my brother called in between and I lost the thread. Anyway, the positivity CDs are helping me a great deal, I think.

Love to you all. Stay well, my dear dear friends….

I have got my hands on the Positivity CDs of Paul McKenna. They seem to be really good. I have listened to only the first two episodes twice before going to sleep. Already I am feeling so much better. I had been missing gym for so long. Today without any prior planning, I got up much earlier and went to gym. I am feeling happier and more enthusiastic about life. Ruby, Annie, please give it a try. He has a two CD pack for weight loss. I am going to get that next.

 About my last post, I am planning to get into weight training once more. Then I am trying to go for a healthier choice almost all the time. I am not beating myself up when I slip. Because I am going to count all the time when I don’t slip. I will lose slowly this way but I will stay guiltlessly happy in the process. Even if I can make good food choices in an average of 50% per day, I am going to be happy. Also I am planning to have more protein in food and more walking and stairs etc in my non-exercising part of the day. I will do some and miss some. Even though I have gained back all the weight I had lost, I now eat fruits absolutely every day and in fact have managed to love fruit. A year back that was unimaginable. So with all my slow progress etc, I am sure by next year I would have incorporated more healthy habits in my life.

On the life front, more or less all is calm. I missed out a really good job interview call by not checking my mails regularly. I have applied now. But I am not sure if I will get a call now. However I am going to start job hunting with more vigor. Just the fact that I am moving out of here, has healed me much. Hopefully Mr. McKenna would do the rest.

Hope you all doing fabulously well. Love and good thoughts for you.

I was reading this article in Prevention about why guys seem to lose weight so much more easily than we women do. I am just writing the main points here, in case you find them interesting –

• They don’t crave sweets. Apparently while women would turn to chocolate, potato or something cheesy, guys go for more protein like a roasted chicken breast. So if we too more protein heavy food, we will be more satiated and of course can drink water also helps.
• They don’t berate themselves when they screw up. They don’t aim for perfection and so they are less likely to fail. There’s this 80% rule: hit your weight loss goals 80% every single day you can. Some day – 120%, some 50%, some 20% - but make sure it averages to 80%.
• They go for weights with muscle. Well, women too should train with heavier weights as muscles help to lose weight faster.
• They don’t use food as a therapist. More importantly they get physical with anger. A guy who gets angry goes out and pounds nails. Of course major generalization, but the idea is to get moving when we are angry.
• They don’t give up things they like. This is where I found a great idea. I am not sure if it works or not. Apparently, Toronto based weight loss coach Mary Crawford lost more than 20 kilos on what she calls the enjoyable diet – a program she developed that allowed her to eat whatever she wanted, every day. The catch; she restricted herself to 800 calories every other day and didn’t diet on the alternate days. It solves the girly dilemma: I want it – lots of it – because I can’t have it.

What do you think? I am quite intrigued by this enjoyable diet idea. But calorie counting here is tough. I am thinking if I can mould it to my situation. Also I am thinking about buying a pedometer.

Love you ladies. : ) Keep well.

I would need to lose 22 lbs to go back to this.