Be a gazelle

11/24 200.4

i feel crazy, maybe i am crazy, normal SANE people dont get upset about the stuff i get upset about. for example, this weekend my husband and i signed up for tmobile family plan, for that you have to both have the same area code, and since he knows more ppl out of the country it would be harder for him to have a new number, so reluctantly i changed my number of the past 8 years. it was a good number. and the new number i got sux, i cant explain HOW it sux, it just sux. i know i sound like a 3 year old, and right now i kinda feel like one cause im about to cry about having a new number. i feel like ive lost a friend not a freaking phone number. wtf is WRONG with me???? i dont even know WHY this bothers me, i mean its kinda inconvenient having to let everyone know u have another number, but thats really no big deal, i just dont like the way this new number LOOKS, how crazy in the head does that sound????? sigh maybe it will just take some time getting used to….but i still feel like crying

in other news, im bouncing between onederland and 200-201(double sigh), im ganna be working overtime the next 2 weeks cause everyone in the office has exams coming up. which also means less time to get down to my family to see my dad, they have him on dialysis, and they have had to give him a blood transfusion, honestly ladies its not looking good. and somehow i feel oddly detached from it, like when someone calls me on the phone from home to tell me whats up with my dad, i dont get upset as they are telling me these things, its not till after i get off the phone that i have my melt downs. i feel like because i dont get upset when they are telling me these things that they think i dont care or something is wrong with me. when really its killing me on the inside, it hurts me that i cant be there every second, that i have to be here in D.C. because of work, because this is where my husband and i have started to build our lives together. i guess they just kinda expect me to drop everything and move back down there, and i feel bad because i cant, i feel even worse cause i dont WANT to.

11/18 199.7

so ladies i did it, down OVER 50lbs to bring me into ONEderland. ive been wondering for a while what it would feel like when i finally got to ONEderland, and i’ll tell you what, its every bit as fantastic as i thought it would be!!!!!

so i got another 50lbs to go before i reach my next big goal, and 75lbs till i reach my final goal of 125! i no longer have three digits worth of weight to lose!!!!!! and the next 50lbs fells TOTALLY do-able, no problem, easy-peazy, peice of cake….hmm well not cake, maybe some no-sugar jello hehehehe

so ladies i have a theory, and please let me know if its just my body that does this, or if yall have noticed this too.  here goes: ive been carting my weight loss and calorie intake daily since july first of this year and ive noticed a pattern, the 2-3 days around the time that i ovulate and the 2-3 days before my TOM i lose weight somewhat rapidly (a pound or more a day!) even though i eat like im a bottomless pit! atleast on one of these day durning ovulation and before TOM, i go over 1500 calories (usually from 300 extra calories of chocolate lol) my usual calorie intake is between 1200-1400 and with that intake i lose 1-2lbs a week, on a none ovulation/preTOM week.  normaly 1200-1400 calories a day more than satisfys me, but during these “special” time of the month, no matter how much i put in my tummy, it feels empty, some times painfully empty! ive tried looking up some stuff about this online but to no avail. so please tell me, am i normal, or is this some freak thing only my body does? the only thing i can think is that because my body is proforming these additional “tasks” during these times…that im burning up more calories than i realize. any thoughts?

11/12 203.7

so close to Onederland…. Since starting this journey on July 1st 2008 i have lost 46.3 lbs i feel kinda embarrassed to admit this but i carry around a planner/notebook with me where ever i go and write my daily progress in every day after i weigh in in the mornings. i also write down time spent at the gym and calorie/weight loss goals.  every Tuesday i “officially” weigh in and give myself a happy face if i have meet the weight loss goal for that week. (- 2lbs every week)

so im looking at my planner today and realized….if i keep making my goals, i will be in Onederland by December 2nd (the day before my 23rd birthday) OMG! its the best birthday present i could possibly get, my body BACK!  so that means if all goes according to plan i should have made it to my first mega goal of 150lbs (100lbs lost) by may 19th ( a few days before my 3rd wedding anniversary). and my final goal of 125 (half of myslef lost) by august of 09. im totally jazzed! im ready! hopefully ill keep up with this -2lbs a week. although i am finding it harder and harder due to less calories burned due to less weight im carrying around. to burn the same amount of calories in one hour NOW that i used to burn when i weighed 250, i have to put the resistance up to a level 6 on the elliptical, and trust me, it almost kills me…… but what doesnt kill u makes u stronger right?

11/4 206.1

election day! did u vote? you know its ur civic duty right? that if u dont vote then u cant bitch?

anyways so i hope every one is having a lovely tuesday, i know im ganna be up late watching the returns in the election poll, i was thinking about having progresso WW approved soup with a grilled laughing cow cheese on WW rye bread sandwich. even though im not doing WW, some of there food isnt half bad. so about the weigh, *sighs* i have to blame trick or treaters…well lack there of. we got all this candy for halloween for the trick or treaters and guess what… NOT ONE KID CAME BY!!!!!!!!. wtf is that about? if one kid had come, it would have been the luckiest trick or treater cause i would have given him or her ALL my candy. but sadly no one came and i have been stuck in my house with a very large bowl of tempting candy. i have been counting out the calories when i eat a few pieces, but my body doesnt seem to care that im still eating 1200 calories, its mad cause im eating 1200 calories of JUNK! or maybe im just in a hurry to loose, im still on track with my weight loss. my weight loss goal that i set back in july for this week was 208.. and im at 206, so i SHOULD be happy, but im sooo close to ONEderland its driving me CRAZY!!!

the gym hasnt been bad, hubby and i tried out the bikes that they have there (we normally do the ellipticals) and i thought the bikes would be easier, i mean after all ur sitting right? well the bikes kicked my bum and hubbys bum, were we normally do an hour on the ellipticals, we could only do 20 mins on the bikes, how sad is that. so i guess its back to ellipticals, I can kick the ellipticals bum

so something totally not weight related….has anyone read the twilight series? i had a lady come into the office reading one and when i asked her about it she said she would really recommend them. so i went out and got them (4 books total, i LOVE to read) any ways i read them and i really feel like i didnt have a normal reaction to them. like they kinda totally pissed me off, it wasnt a totally bad series…but the final book…could have saved it, could have made it GREAT, but instead the final book ruined it, in an unforgivable way. its like she (the writer) got tired of writing these books, so she made up some bogus ending and was like here, this is how it happened.  and after HOURS spent with these charaters it was a big blow. *sighs again* maybe it was just me, maybe everyone else loved it. i dont know if that makes me feel better or worse.  anyone have any thing that they would recommend reading?

10/30 205.7

so there has been SO much going on in my life right now, but i dont even want to think about the bad stuff right now, so this post is going to be a happy post, ill get a round to the depressing stuff when i think i can mentally handle it better.

SO anyways i was at the gym the other night…..nothing new….i was happy when i got to the gym to see that “my elliptical” was not being used. (i use the 3rd one cause it doesnt squeak or click no matter how long or fast i go…i cant stand it if it squeaks or clicks) so anyways i hope on “my elliptical” throw my sweater over the screen that shows distance, speed, calories burned ect ect. because i noticed that i always do better if im not obsessed with the numbers on the screen. so there i am headphones plugged,  focusing on the T.V. in front of me, moving my tush right along….and then i notice…the guy next to me is….um looking at me. well not just looking at me, he is blatantly STAREING at me. i turn my head and look at HIM and he just continues to look at me, not even HIDING it. it REALLY creeped me out, i mean did i smell? was he surprised that a fat girl could move so fast? was he mad that i got on the machine next to his when there were other free ones? i mean its not like he was just sneaking a peak at me here ladies or he was just trying to see how fast i was going or how far i had gone, cause all the info was covered by my sweater. when i told the hubby he just smiled and was like “maybe u impressed him” hmm fat chance. has this ever happened to any one of yall?

so in other less strange news, or maybe even MORE strange….im down to 205.7, thats almost 45lbs GONE!!!! i dont know what had happened, my weight loss was going soooo slow there for awhile and then all of a sudden its like its been melting off. ive lost almost 4lbs in the past week and i couldnt tell u a thing ive been going differently, actually i was afraid that i might gain cause i was on TOM and i was eating like all the sweets i could get my hands on, not to mention that we went out to eat one or two times in the past week (totally something we dont normally do) hmmm i totally dont understand how my body works, hopefully this isnt just a fluke, and i wake up tomorrow weighing 209

10/23 210.1

i was just remembering this lady that came into the office one time. she was here as a lab representative, and was waiting to speak with the owner. No one was in the office except her and I and we started to talk. she was like

“I can tell that your german”

i was like “wow yes i am, im kinda a mix of a whole bunch of stuff, but how could you tell”

she was like “because your facial features, your probably over wight because of your heritage”

(first of all, YES i was fat but how are u ganna come up to someone you dont know and SAY THAT!, second how the hell did she know it was because of my heritage?)

she went on to tell me that i had some kinda of disease where if u eat things like bread and pasta and rice, it makes you sick and serverly bloat and get fat. she asked what other things im mixed with, i told her Irish, Scottish, and native American, and then she was like “yep just what i expected, you def have (name of the disease i cant remember)” she went on to say that even if i dieted and totally cut out the bread pasta and rice i would probably never get beneath a size 14, because of my “large frame” but i should try to get down to a 14 because i have “such a pretty face”. i just sat there (red as a tomato in the face from blushing from embarrassment) and smiled and took everything she said like a punch in the face, i didnt have enough confidence to stand up to her.

ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!! that month i was soooo sad and angry and depressed. i didnt want to get out of bed or go to work because of the embarrassment i felt, added to that the thought that even if i did diet i would (according to this lady who claimed she was also a nutritionist) never be smaller then a 14. well i wish i could see that lady today. i would tell her that

NO i dont have whatever that disease was

I HAVE lost weight while eating bread pasta and rice (with portion control)

I WILL be smaller then a size 14

and NO im not really “big boned”

and i would tell her to stick her unsolicited advice up her ASS

actually the “big boned” thing was an excuse i used to tell myself also so i didnt feel so bad about being fat. but now as the weight has started to come off i would actually say im more of a medium build (although i do think i have an abnomally large head for my body)

anyways just thought id share that story with u chickies.

10/20 212.6

ugh where to start…..so i went on a trip home this weekend. all was good, i went to the gym on friday in preparation for a weekend of chilling at home with the family, and i worked my bum off at the gym. on Saturday morning , after Friday night in hampton roads with family i, i got on the scale totally expecting to see a tiny gain…NOPE down to 209!, only 9 small pounds from ONEderland. i was soo happy i was floating on air all day. my parents asked if the hubby and i wanted to go out to dinner on sunday before we left, i said thanks but id rater not ruin all the progress i made that weekend, they were cool about and were like well we can cook at home, and mom offered to make my favorite…sea food.

i sat down to the table sunday expecting to indulge my sea food craving a bit, but to keep it in control. did i? NOT A CHANCE! ugh! i had a heap of spicy fried shrimp, marinated tuna steak, steamed shrimp, king crab legs, corn. oh it was sooooo sooooo good. i was soo full i could hardly walk, i reminded me of my OLD self, the one that would eat till near bursting, and it made me really depressed. Whats even more depressing? my weight this morning was 212.6  i felt like crying. and i have no one to blame but my self and the uncontrollable goodness of sea crustaceans…..i think it might be better if i take out my negative emotions on shrimp and crabs rather then myself, but i do really feel like i let myself down. GYM TONIGHT NO EXCUSES.

10/16 213.2

oh ya u see that number…that number means that i will NEVER go up to 215 again! yester i ate

2 90cal special k bars (im like in love with these things)

1 100 cal pack of chetoos (sp?)

1 100 cal cookie pack (yes this is all junk food but i was CrAvInG it, at least i stuck to 100 cal packs right?)

1 banana

but then…..dun dun dhuuuun……the boss bought the office lunch from panera, i ordered a chicken salad sandwich on whole wheat…..looked up the calories its 570, so i had 1/2 for lunch and saved the other half for dinner (half of their sandwiches are the size of 1and a half of the ones i make at home. they are freaking HUGE) anyways i also had a 100 cal bag of kettle corn (im a popcorn feind) oh and a itty mini milky way (40 cals) while i was watching the new episode of “true blood” the new vampire show on HBO, dont normaly like that kinda show (im happy with cartoons, i hate all the violence and gore and such) but its really interesting… the premise is that vampire have now “outted” themselves to humans because japan has created this synthetic blood called…u guessed it “true blood” and now the humans are dealing with having vamps incorperate themselves into normal society. neat idea no?

wow that was a long ramble, i got away from myslef (nothing new) anyways im saying like 1200 cals for the day but i was still shocked when i got on the scale and it went down! hubby has started a job at subway (they feed him all he can eat there)and he has already lost 4 lbs in the past week…guess the subway diet reallly does work im really happy for him he needed that, he scale had been staying the same for him for awhile, and i know how crazy that can make you.

oh and BRSAY……thanks for calling me brave….no one has EVER called me that before.. it means ALOT

10/14 214.4

i did something last night with my husband that ive never done with anyone else before….(get ur minds outta the gutter girls!!!!)….i told him how much i weigh. we had been watching a marathon of tivo’ed Biggest Loser, and i thought to myself, these people take off their shirt and stand on a scale in front of AMERICA, i shouldnt have to hide it from my husband. when i told him i started crying, and he sat there like a man, totally baffaled by the tears. he told me that my weight is okay with him, and he loves me no matter what, but that he is proud that im trying to loose weight and be healthier. sigh. what a perfect husband. well chickies thats the update for today. one hour at the gym last night, hopefully another hour tonight, im feeling good

10/12 215.4

its back. im back to 215 it wont go away. ugh ugh ugh im sooooooo annoyed, i know its normal to hit stand stills, but ive come to the point where im so freaking frustrated. when u put in the effort at home, with food, with the gym, and u dont see that effort translate to weight on the scale, it really hurts u. ur standing naked on the scale and u just want to cry. hmmm unsightly. i thought when i got down to 214 that i had broken out of the 215s. sigh thats all i can do right now. sigh