My emotions are killing me…
…..seriously, they are. Don’t believe me? Well, look at the fat on my stomach, my thighs, my butt…yep, I’m killing myself. I don’t want to deal with the emotions. It’s so much easier to binge on the sugar than to deal with the lurking emotions. And, the sugar makes me feel better. Truly, it does….until I crash and feel like I’ve been rolled over by truck. I’m afraid to take out the emotions and really look at them because this might trigger the depression and I swore I’d never let myself get clinically depressed again. So, what to do? It’s not like my life is that bad. Not really. I have a wonderful husband (yeah, he’s a package deal with the Big B, but that’s not his fault) my daughters are wonderful (yeah, they’re mouthy and the older one is an insolent tween, but they get awesome grades and have beautiful personalitities) I have a beautiful home (yeah, the Big B lives downstairs, but her sorry butt isn’t right here in my face everyday.) So, what do I have to be emotional about?
I’m bored with my job,bored, bored, bored, but feel locked into doing it because of the flexibility and the pay and because I’m not getting any younger and I’d have to go back to school for 4 years to do anything else interesting. This current job uses almost none of my talents or personality strengths. I’m angry with my Dad because he decides to change his whole way of interacting with me and my brother when we were already dealing with the death of Mom. Good grief! I am a vital part of this father-daughter relationship. Don’t I get a say in this?! I was perfectly happy with the way we were. Then, he remarries quickly..and that opens up a whole other can of issues for me. She’s wonderful, but my Mom was wonderful, too. It seems like he doesn’t realize how wonderful she was. I could be wrong…I probably am…but, this is how I feel. And, Hubby, I’m still majorly attracted to you, but you don’t seem to see the woman anymore. I don’t want to be your buddy. I want heat, I want passion…..I want sex! I may be 80 pound overweight, but that sexy woman is still alive behind the fat. Then, my brother and Sister-in-law take my baby nephews all the way to Southeast Asia where I have almost zero contact and I miss them like crazy. I’m majorly PO’d with that assinine Dr. S who lied to me about my hysterectomy. Listen to me, you old goat! A total hystectomy does make losing weight much more difficult and it does impact your sex life and it does make you grumpy and irritable and, basically, an emotional wreck! And, guess what? Women are more than just a mound of estrogen! Yep, we have progesterone and testosterone, too. So, why do you want me to take this synthetic pill that pumps extra estrogen into my body when you haven’t even tested me to see if I need it?! But, most of all, I’m angry with you because I didn’t have to have the surgery!!! Guess what? A total hysterectomy is no guarantee that I’ll never have ovarian cancer. I still have ovarian cells within my abdominal cavity….because, I am a woman and I was born with ovaries!
Wow…I am an angry person. So, do I really want to take these emotions out and examine them closely? Not today. Maybe tomorrow.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
It is better to let the frustration out than keep it bottled up inside. We all get that way at times…it’s our women’s rights to “show out” at times.
I am happy to see you back with us again!!!
Hope things ease up on ya and you feel better soon!!
Big Hugs,
Judy
May 21st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I just wanted to send you some hugs xxx
May 21st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
hi, it sounds like a rough day, but I agree w Judy - good to get it out.
Have you ever worked on your major goals in life, what your big priorities are? i find having a clear idea of that makes other things fall into perspective much easier (frustration w weight, job, etc). Two things I’ve used that have helped - one is called “best year yet” — there is an entry on it somewhere in my blog, probably early January, and another is called “the passion test” where you identify what your ideal life goals would be and then prioritize.
Maybe one or the other could help?
Hugs to you
May 21st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Hugs - you’ll get through this day -!
bTW I agree with round - making a list of goals/dreams help a lot! Make a list of the 10 top things about you, or your 5 best memories, etc. I recently made a list of the top 50 things I want to do before i turn 50 - and included the mundane (like run 1-2 miles every day for a month) to the “impossible” (visit 50 countries!). I cheated a bit, and added a few goals I’ve already accomplished but now I have 44 more things to look forward to!
May 26th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Rhonda–I understand about not wanting to take the emotions out and examine them…sometimes it just makes you feel worse. But….isn’t there always one? But I think every now and again you do need to take them out like you did with this post.