Butterflies and Rainbows

Okay….that was definitely a depressing post!  Yes, I fight depression….have been fighting this battle since I was 28.  It may be organic….could be hormonal….could be learned behavior from my Mom.  Whatever the cause, it is absolutely horrible to go through.  Part of the problem is that I work from home and only leave the house once or twice a week.  I’m a social person and this just kills me.  Hubby talks with me…some…and the kids talk with me..some….but, its just not the same as having girlfriends to do things with.  When we first moved here two months ago, I told myself that I was going to go out and meet people.  But, its so easy to just fall into the same ole comfortable routine.   

The solutions seems easy….find reasons for leaving the house!  So, this Sunday, I will drag my butt and Hubby’s butt out of bed, get the kids dressed, and we’ll start going to church again.  Also, I think I’ll join that health club we visited when we first moved here.  Yes, I will have to drive about 25 minutes to get there, but it will be worth it.  And, I’ll join the PTA for both girl’s schools.  And…..maybe I’ll start walking around the neighborhood in the evenings. 

   Okay….so, now I feel better!

I just feel so depressed today…and I absolutely hate it!  I woke up with a terrible headache this morning and ended up going back to bed after taking Excedrin migraine.  That stuff seems to make me depressed.  This is the first time in a few weeks that I’ve actually had doubts that I could do this.  It could also be that I desperately need my hormones.  The pharmacy should be shipping them to me today and I’ll have them in hand tomorrow.  Please God, let me go back to normal.

Yuck, I can’t stand to be around my ownself these days!  I am one big ole mean grump.  I know why, too……and I can’t do a darn thing about it.   You probably think its PMS…Nope…I’m right smack- dab in the middle of ‘mental-pause’ and I’ve run out of  hormones! :O  We moved two months ago and I had to find a doctor in my area that prescribes my kind of hormones(bio-identical.)  Because I’m a new patient, I cant get in to see her until the 14th of this month.   Well, I cut down on my dosage so they would last longer, but I ran out about 10 days ago.  At first, I thought….”hmmm, maybe I don’t really need them afterall” because I felt just fine.  It didnt take long for me to get some big reminders of why I take the darn things…….my feet are swollen, I’m not sleeping through the night,  I’m starting to get hot flashes, my temper is hot, hot, hot and quick, quick, quick….and my weight loss isnt keeping up with my efforts…. a big .6 of a pound for my efforts last week.   Of course, I’m not exercising. (sigh)  Add to this, I’m staying up way to late watching Big Brother After Dark episodes and getting way too little sleep…..Yeah, I know…..I’m rotting my brain with this stuff! (per my SIL….but, what does she know? )

You know what really amazes me?  Through this time, I haven’t once gone off plan.  I’ve thought about comforting myself with food….but, I’ve been able to squash these thoughts quickly and stay on course.  This time, its for real.

Last evening, Hubby makes steak, salad and broccoli for dinner…all Southbeach friendly.  Well, I have my portions….then I go back for more!  And, all the while I’m overeating, I know I’m doing it and just dont’ care.  Then, I eat my usual portion of SF ice cream….and go back for seconds!  After two weeks of staying on-plan with my food and my calories, I crashed.  But, I didnt burn….because, I’ve not used this as an opportunity to quit my plan and keep indulging myself.  I’m right back on track today. 

I did spend some time thinking about why I overate and I now realize that I was hurting last night and didnt even realize it.  Yesterday, I got dressed up to take my daughter’s to their school orientations.  My jeans are getting a little loose on me and I wore a shirt that I havent been able to get into since February.  I spent extra time with my makeup and hair and I was looking great and feeling great.  Well, we ran into ‘A’s’ Mom and I said ’Hi’…..she looked straight at me and didnt say a word….no smile, no nod….nothing!  But, she greets ‘E’ who was with me….but, nothing for me.  I joked with my daughter that she probably didnt recognize me without my glasses, but I’m sure she knew who I was.  When we first moved here, A’s Mom and I had an awesome conversation for over an hour the first time we met.  I was excited because I thought I’d found a potential great friend.  But, for some reason, she decided that she doesnt think the same thing about me.  I know its silly, but I’m hurt and can’t help thinking there’s something wrong with me.  Self esteem issues are rearing their ugly head again.  After orientations, I took the girls shopping for church clothes.  Hubby surprised me by mentioning that he’d like to start going to church again this Sunday.  Of course, I cant fit into any of my church clothes, so I went shopping for new ones.  Although I’ve lost 25 pounds and was feeling super slender earlier in the day, the reality is that I’m still very overweight and finding clothes has not gotten any easier yet.  So, I walk in the door and sit down and eat, and eat, and eat.  Yes, the eating made me feel better…..No, the feeling didnt last!

Today, I’m back on-plan.  I do have a long way to go, but I’m not ready to quit.  Hopefully, I can continue learning things about myself.  Maybe next time, I can recognize what I’m feeling before I try to use food as comfort

but, you can’t make her drink…..or get on the doggone treadmill!  I always thought the biggest issue with dieting is staying with on-plan foods and within my calorie limit…but, no…I have to be difficult.  I’ve been on-plan for two weeks now and having no problems with my eating.  My problem appears to be drinking the water and getting exercise.  This is like a giant roadblock in front of me and I just havent been able to make myself get up and push through.  Its kinda weird the way my mind works on this.  I get that “all or nothing” mentality.  A part of me says its okay that I’m not exercising everyday or drinking any water yet because I havent really begun that part of my journey(other than the one and only time I’ve used that bright shiney new treadmill)….so, its no big deal right now.  I havent failed because I haven’t even begun!  I know that my weight loss will slow down dramatically and stop soon….unless, I get a handle on the water and the exercise.  So…..enough planning for it.  Time to get up off my fat butt and get busy.  Today, I will walk on that treadmill for one hour and I will drink at least two big glasses of water.   And, since I will have begun…..I have no more excuses, right?