Butterflies and Rainbows

Have you ever started a diet, then went off-plan because of a special event? ie….birthday, anniversary, vacation,etc.  Have you ever postponed starting a diet because special events are coming up and its just not a convenient time? 

That is the story of my life and of my yo-yo dieting history.  There is always a reason to veer off-plan……and staying on-plan is never convenient.  Just look at where this thinking got me…..fatter than ever before and feeling absolutely miserable! 

This weekend, we have family guests at our home.  Uh-oh…another “opportunity” to indulge myself and go off-plan?  No…not this time.  This time, I am quite enjoying playing the part of on-plan martyr!    So, everyone is enjoying a large delicious breakfast of omelets, sausage,bacon and bagels with cream cheese?  Big deal…..I’ll eat my bowl of steelcut oatmeal, then excuse myself to go shower and make the bed.  So, everyone is munching out on chips, cheetos and ice cream?  No problem, I’ll eat my 1/2 cup of SF ice cream, then go log onto 3FC and read the encouraging uplifting posts of my fellow on-plan friends.   So, everyone wants to go out to eat and they want to go to a restaurant that doesnt have much on-plan for me?  I’ll just eat before I go and enjoy a diet coke at the restaurant…..afterall, its all about the interaction and not the food, right?

Why have I chosen to stay on-plan and not grab this opportunity to indulge myself?  After all, that is my modus operandi.  Could I have finally reached the point where I realize that no indulgence is worth staying fat and unhealthy for the rest of my life?  Has something finally clicked for me?  I think so…..I hope so……I pray so. 

….we’ve all heard the question…many of us have our answer.  (Personally, I believe that God created the chicken who then produced some Southbeach friendly eggs for us. ) On 3FC today, there was a thread that raised an often discussed issue…..”which comes first…insight or action?”  Do we need to understand why we have an issue with overeating before we can hope to be successful at winning the battle?  Or, do we win the battle and then understand our whys?  This question is one for which I’ve spent a lot of thought…and….my answers have evolved since the beginning of my journey.

   Upon the re-start of my weight loss journey in January, I firmly believed that seeking understanding of the whys of my overeating was just a bunch of “touchy feely mumbo jumbo.”  All of this yada yada and not enough action!  Who cares why?…does it really matter?….just get the job done!  Needless to say, this attitude didnt serve me well in the long run.  Two months later….you guessed it….I was right back where I started.  Granted, I was still 17 pounds lighter, but I gradually drifted off-plan….no more exercise, no more veggies…Hello, sugar!  Good-bye weight loss!  What happened?  Why did the honeymoon end?  Maybe, I should have taken just a little time to evaluate my whys? Hmmmmm.

   I had a few half-hearted attempts at re-entering the battle, but they never lasted long….a day or two.  It took me a while to build up my courage to make the committment again.  My self esteem had taken quite a beating.  Just how many times can you fail before you never get back up again? But, I am back up and I am trying again.  This time, my priority is to figure out the whys.  Dr. Phil says ”the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.”  I really do believe he’s right…unless I make a conscentious effort to change my behavior.  I have to find out why I overeat…why I stop trying…why I’m afraid to give up my best friends, Sugar and Starch. 

   Recently, I have begun to find some of my answers…and, I know that I’m just beginning to dig into that mountain.    So, do I need to know the whys before I enter the ring again?  NO!!!!!! I believe many of my answers will come from the journey itself.  I have entered the battle with what I know now and with hopes of knowing a lot more about myself at the end.

….yeah, I really do!  Despite the fact that I just now finished an hour on the treadmill.  Today was my first day in over two months that I’ve been back on track with my exercise plan.  We finally put the treadmill together last night, so I really had no excuses.  And, I almost talked myself out of it….you know how it is..”its been a long day….didnt get much sleep last night…..had a headache this morning and they always leave me feeling drained.”  But, I made myself get on and go. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful, confident and happy about this journey and my goal of reaching lifetime health and thinness!  I was actually feeling this way early this morning, but now I’m feeling even more hopeful, confident and happy.

Counting calories is going well.  I’m starting off with a goal of 1700 calories a day.  I quickly discovered that it doesnt take much to reach that number!  Wow….my natural peanut butter is 110 calories per tablespoon, my German whole wheat bread has 100 calories a slice and my Smart Balance spread is 80 calories per tablespoon.  No wonder I’ve had a hard time losing weight in the past!  Hopefully, the scales will start showing consistent “happy” numbers.

as most of us are that have been overweight all of our lives.  Here is a list of what I already knew or have learned from my friends at 3FC.

1. For me to lose weight despite my insulin resistance, I must remove all processed sugars, HCFS, white bread, white potatoes, white pasta, white rice and corn……in other words,  Southbeach……I love it!
2. Despite my protests, there is truth to the belief that dieting comes down to calories in vs calories out.
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise…….I have to move to lose….and, as I get older, I have to move more.-
4. Strength training builds muscle which ramps up your metabolism.
5. Water - for some reason, it seems to help the pounds drop quicker….with the added benefit of softer clearer skin. Yes!
6. Sleep - lack of sleep slows down the metabolism.

Yep, I’m a dieting expert!  For the first time ever, I’ve decided to utilize all of these steps in one single week and see what happens….kind of a trial-by-fire.

1. I’ve been on Southbeach for a week and the sugar withdrawals are over (with the added benefit of a 6 pound loss!) so I have no excuse for not working out.  Today, I will put together that treadmill I bought 4 weeks ago and I will re-start my walking program…..60 minutes. 
2. This morning, I began tracking my daily calorie intake…..if Southbeach works so well for me and calorie counting works so well for others, why not combine the two? 
3. I will keep a full water glass by my side and re-fill it often…..64 oz a day is my goal. 
4. I will dig those bands out of the closet and start strength training again.  One day soon, I’ll join that fitness center I checked out 5 weeks ago.  They have some awesome weight equipment…and the fitness classes really look fun.  
5. And, one of the most difficult steps for me, I will turn off the @#$% TV and get to bed by 12:00 each night. 

I’m expecting great things this week……inches and pounds gone for good!  Maybe I can lose a steady 3-4 pounds a week and avoid plateaus?  Wouldnt that be amazing!

…..caught sight of myself in a three way mirror yesterday and I found tons and tons of incentive to stay on-plan.  Wow…what an eye opener.  I felt like crying and comforting myself with something absolutely yummy and off-plan, but I was able to turn the negative feelings around and use them for incentive.  I guess I’m making progress at this lifestyle change :D  We went to TGI Fridays for dinner and I ordered an on-plan salad…then, we took the girls to Dairy Queen for a treat and I ordered nothing!  Came home and had my 1/2 cup of SF ice cream, so I didnt feel deprived at all. 

The headaches are gone….I was in bed all day on Friday with the last one.  Woke up yesterday and was headache free!

The scales are looking very promising for weigh-in tomorrow, so I’m really excited to be able to change my ticker and post on the weight loss thread on 3FC.  However, I’m constantly fighting against that negative voice that periodically sneaks back into my head….you know the one……it tells you that “yes, you lost weight this week..but, will the scales really drop again next week?” “You’ve done this before, but never stuck with it”  “How long will you committment really last.”  I hate that voice!!!!  This time, I really need to work on changing my mind-set permanently……I want to make that voice shut-up forever!  If others can lose large amounts of weight and keep it off, then why can’t I?  What makes them so much more special than me? 

of a massive headache.   At first, I thought the headache was from sugar withdrawal, but I’m not too sure anymore.  I’m starting to think I may have an allergy/sensitivity to something I’m eating….or, I have a massive sinus infection.  I dont think its a sinus infection as I’ve not had a cold or anything.  I do wake up each morning with a very stuffy nose and just feeling rotten.  I’m thinking my body might have an issue with the 1/2 cup of SF ice cream I have each night or the 1 diet Barq’s I allow myself each day with dinner.  Tonight, I will forgo one of these and see what happens in the morning.  Wouldnt it be great to wake up feeling fantastic tomorrow morning!  I havent had that happen in years!   One good thing……I have resisted the “need” to comfort myself with something sugary and starchy…..so, I’m losing weight even through this rough time.  Wow, who would have thunk it?:D

Today is day 2 of being back on-plan and the sugar withdrawal is horrible!  I feel like I could just lay down and sleep for hours. Unfortunately, that is not an option as I still have 3 more hours on the job, then Mommy/Wife duty calls.   I know that better days are coming soon.  Once the withdrawal is over, I know that my mind will be clear and fresh, the depression will let up and my energy level will be tremendous.   I can’t wait! 

Good morning, All! Well, I’m all fired up and ready to go on-plan today. Hubby planned menus for the week and bought groceries last night….so, we’re officially back on Southbeach. I cleaned out the frig and pantry while he was gone and gave all of our “temptation” foods to Mom-in-Law. Took a long relaxing bath and read a couple of chapters of “You on a Diet.” Wow, this is a great book. I’ve had the book for a while, but never took the time to read it. I skipped right to the chapters on emotional eating and it seemed like those chapters were written just for me. So many things they wrote really hit home with me, but the following sentences literally slapped me in the face and made me wake up to reality……”your fat serves as a literal and metaphorical protective layer that keeps you from interacting with reality. You don’t have to play the game of life if you’re constantly making excuses for living on the bench. If only you could lose weight, if only you could fit into that bikini, if only you could take a hike with the family without breathing heavier than a prison escapee. While some people may say that fat is a failure, the truth is that fat - for many of us - is a way of avoiding failure, because it’s an excuse for never competing and engaging in life.”

Yes, I’ve been sitting on the sideline of this weightloss journey for a long time….too afraid to try again…too full of self-doubt and low self esteem.  I joined 3FC in November 06.  At first, I started off with a bang!  For some reason, I hit a wall in March and havent been back on-plan at 100% since then.  I’m not really sure what happened, but I intend to figure it out so that I don’t get de-railed again.  I’ve watched some of my 3FC friends do amazing things…and I’ve cheered them on and been so very excited for them…..while never really thinking that I could do amazing things, too.   Why do I believe in everyone else but myself?  I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines…I want victory over the food and the fat, too!

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Yep, I’ve joined the blogging bandwagon. :)  Never thought I’d see the day, but I really think I need this.   Not that I think my struggles are so very unique or special….I have the same ole struggles that so many do…..I eat to feed my emotions…and I am such a mess of conflicting emotions and hormonal fluctuations!  Some days, I just feel so doggone crazy…and, I’m sure Hubby and the DDs would agree wholeheartedly!

I could have named my blog many different things, but I like the idea of a fresh new beginning and building hope for my thin future.  I need to figure this out…once and for all!  Life is rough.  There are always going to be difficult times…..times of sadness, of joy, of boredom, of celebration…etc,etc,etc.  There will always be an excuse to eat.   So, will I always have an excuse to be fat? 

Saturday, I celebrated my 43rd birthday….it was time to reflect on my life again…time, yet again, to become depressed over my weight gain.  Today was my weekly weigh-in.  I’ve gained another 4.4 pounds in the last two weeks.   On July 14, 2008..what will I be reflecting on?  Can I reflect on the loss of 100 pounds and the beginning of my running program? 

I’ve been told that journaling my thoughts and feelings will help me to gain control over my emotional eating.  So, here I go…starting the journey over again.  I’m so very tired, but I refuse to give up.  Sometimes, I may ramble…sometimes, I may be downright boring!….but, I’m gonna journal my journey this time…and, I’m gonna re-learn this old dog some new tricks!