Still more meh. I am doing all that I should be doing. My eating is very well under control. My water intake is good. I ran 4 miles this morning and walked 1. But I just feel pretty meh. Getting a tad moody. Not sure if it is stress or hormones or me just being me. Mom’s appointment with the neurologist is Friday (about the bleeding at the brain stem). Then her appointment with the vascular surgeon about her carotid arteries is next Tuesday. She will be staying with us since she prefers this hospital to the ones closer to where she lives. So I will be on the front line in this. I hope that I ask the right questions and do the right things. It worries me. I also have this feeling that my world is going to come tumbling down around my ankles when we go in to the neurologist on Friday. I hope it is just paranoia.
I am thinking about sending off for my “be inspired” shirt from Special K. I have been collecting those little things off of the boxes. Then you are supposed to mail them the little things (5 of them) and a pair of jeans and they will send you the shirt. I am sending my biggest pair of jeans. Although I think I would rather burn them. Actually, I would like to cut them to shreds, douse them with gasoline and then torch them after running over them with my van a few [hundred] times. When I think about everything and I realize that it has just taken me a little less than 8 months to get here, it just really frustrates me. I mean, how long did I put this off?! About ten years. I want to go back in time and kick my own ass. Hard. Today I am in a mood and I am practically mourning the loss of all of those years. The years that I spent feeling ashamed and less confident. Feeling inferior to everyone around me. The feelings of knowing that I was damaging my health, but yet sitting there as though I was helpless in the situation as the doctor prescribed more meds and I just ate more food. Where the eff was my brain?
Breakfast and lunch were the norm today. Dinner will be some sort of pork tenderloin. Maybe the spice rubbed kind. Not sure. And not sure what to have with it. Probably cauliflower. If I was in a better mood, I might try to come up with something more creative. But I am not. Weight was 148.2 this morning.
