I don’t really even know what to say. I really want back in old routines like writing here, but yet it is really hard to get started again. I am still trying to find that moment when you give yourself permission to return to some of the old familiar parts of your life in a situation like this. I am just tired. So, so tired. And sleep does not fix this kind of tired.
My days are a blur of details and visitors and flowers and thank you notes and phone calls and words that were not of my normal daily vocabulary: funeral, died, casket, obituary. These words come tumbling out in conversation as though I am talking about the weather and then I stop, rather stunned, and realize I don’t recognize my life.
Right now, my life is about trying to support my mom. But I need to stop allowing myself to get lost in food. I have been doing pretty well for breakfast and lunch. I had brought my typical foods with me so that I could at least attempt to get through this without turning to food to get me through it. However, I have messed up of the evenings. At various points over the past week, I have eaten empty calories in the form of cookies and cake and banana pudding. I have had saturated fat. I have eaten too much. I have eaten from brain-hunger instead of true hunger. I have basically done every no-no on my list. All of this food that people have brought…it was not a problem at first but it is like there is only so much that I can take. And I am the person who has dealt with the food all week. Finding a place to put it. Getting it all out for meals and heating it up. Sorting through it. Putting it in smaller containers. Working it back into the fridge like some sort of puzzle. Cleaning up the kitchen. Finally, I cracked. Today I am back on track, though. And the food is almost gone now.
Thanks for all the support over the past week. I hope to be able to get back to writing more regularly now.
